Jonathan's Hope (12 page)

Whatever will be, will be

My love, my eternal gratitude is yours

No matter what the future holds

No matter what will come of us

My love, my gratitude

Forever yours.

This time, after reading it again, he felt it better matched his emotional state, and what he was trying to express.
How will Dan react? Will he appreciate the effort he made?

Trying to access the print settings of his laptop, he discovered the wireless network that Dan & Sean had set up in the house. It was called “lovenest” and he had to smile.
I’m sure that was Sean’s handiwork
. He had obviously never met the man, but he must have had a wicked sense of humor. As their cabin was in the middle of nowhere, without neighbors, Sean had not added any password, so Jonathan’s laptop connected immediately, allowing him access to the network, and the printer. He didn’t want to print his poem right away and instead spent some time experimenting with various fonts and sizes to make sure the few lines he had written would fill the entire page.

Happy with the results, he saved his work and went on to experiment with other software packages, including the one with the compass, called Safari, which took him to Apple’s website upon opening.
Ah, a web browser
. Jonathan had never worked on an Apple computer before, and was unaccustomed to the naming conventions, but thought that a compass was an adequate enough symbol for a program to surf the Internet.

Something held him back though, and he closed the lid. Deep within him was the fear of leaving the confines of the cabin, the security of Dan’s careful supervision during their town outings.

It wasn’t until later in the day, when Dan asked him about taking a walk, that Jonathan saw his chance to finish his project. He had to let Dan down. He left the cabin, head drooping with Rascal by his side. Jonathan opened his laptop, and printed the document. It was just one page, but nevertheless, Jonathan was happy with the result. He rolled the paper into a scroll and placed a red ribbon around it, tying it neatly. The ribbon was rescued from Rascal’s bone.
He won’t mind.

He placed the scroll under the tree and got started on dinner.
It’s the least I can do today
. Dan was gone for what seemed like forever. There was so much going through Dan’s mind. The stupid fight about the Christmas presents, only it wasn’t so much of a fight really, it was more of a misunderstanding. He really hadn’t meant to hurt Jonathan, quite the contrary. At least Jonathan seemed to be in a slightly better mood when he left the house, not as depressed as he was after breakfast. Dan circled the entire lake with Rascal, their path in the snow easy enough to find after having walked it so many times. It was Rascal who created new paths, off the main track, running off to look for things to chase, sniffing things.

The dog, it seemed, was worry free. A tinge of envy tore through Dan.
If only...

Maybe I’m doing this all wrong
, Dan thought.
Maybe I need to give Jon more space, or maybe I need to push more?
As he contemplated his options, he returned to the house, pushing any painful thoughts to the back of his mind,
for now
.

Inside, Jonathan was in all out cooking mode. The table was set, and candles were lit throughout the living room and kitchen. When Dan walked in and saw his lover,
is that really what he is after one night
, was smiling at him, busy hovering over pots and pans. “Hey, welcome back. Dinner will be ready in a few minutes. Why don’t you wash up?”
That was cheerful
, Dan thought, happily. He really didn’t feel like having to deal with more gloom today, and Jonathan’s change of spirits was welcome.

When he returned from the bathroom, Jonathan was ready, beaming beside the kitchen table. He turned off all the electric lights in the house, except the ones lighting the Christmas tree. The candles cast a beautiful light throughout the living room and Jonathan’s teeth were glowing white. His smile was bright and happy.

Dan wondered what had caused this change of heart, but figured he would learn, sooner or later. He sat down and the two men dug into the meal that Jonathan had so carefully prepared. Dan noticed that Jonathan was fidgeting the entire time, casting glances over to the Christmas tree, smiling at him, throughout the entire meal. He was sitting with his back to the tree and couldn’t see anything, but his curiosity was rising. “You’re in a good mood tonight. What happened?” he asked.

Jonathan smiled. “Well, I just fell in love with the laptop you gave me. I wasn’t fair this morning, and I’m sorry. You have been so kind, so generous. I just felt silly, inadequate for not being able to give anything back to you in return. You know they say the spirit of Christmas lies in giving...” He sighed then continued. “But I accept that for every giver there has to be a receiver, and I’m grateful for that. I’m thankful for everything you’ve done for me. I know I can’t repay you, and I know the cliché about no words ever being enough to say thank you, but I hope you will accept this...” Jonathan stood up, Dan’s eyes on him as he walked over to the tree, and picked up the white scroll with the red ribbon. Dan hadn’t noticed it before, his heart beating faster, curious as to what Jon had come up with. “Please, Dan, please accept this tiny gesture from me. I know it’s not valuable. I know I don’t have any money to buy you what you really deserve, but I just really wanted to give something to you.” He handed Dan the scroll, and bowed down to kiss him. “Merry Christmas, Dan!”

Dan accepted the gift, and removed the ribbon carefully. Opening the scroll, he read.

Jonathan’s Hope

I was afraid

I was alone

There were trees, nothing but trees

So many trees, so many trees

I had no food, I was hungry

I was cold, so very cold

Alone, so very much alone

Longing for warmth, a hug, a kind word

Longing for a smile, encouragement

Longing for love, safety

Then I found you

I found love

Unconditional love

Whatever will be, will be

My love, my eternal gratitude is yours

No matter what the future holds

No matter what will come of us

My love, my gratitude

Forever yours.

Dedicated to Daniel Timothy Jackson from Jonathan Bates.

Dan read the poem, once, then twice. He read the dedication, noticing for the first time Jonathan’s last name, noticing that he had remembered his full name. A tear fell on the paper, smudging the ink where it hit. Dan tried to wipe it off, but that only made it worse.

“Oh, Jonathan, I’m sorry!” He looked up, expecting Jonathan to be upset that he’d ruined the gift, but he saw tears in Jonathan’s eyes as well, and happiness, gratitude for having successfully conveyed his emotions, and having been able to give something back to Dan.

Dan got up from his chair and kissed his lover passionately then lifted him up and carried him to their bedroom.

Their lovemaking that night was careful, deliberate and slow. It felt as if time stood still, as if no worries could ever interrupt them. The walls that had been built between them were torn down again. They had each other, and for now, that was enough. They let the outside world stay outside. They saw and worried only about each other, their pleasure, making sure to maximize feelings and sensations. Jonathan memorized every move, every stroke that Dan had administered the night before, combining them in new ways, bringing more pleasure to Dan than he had ever thought possible. His moans and groans testament to his success. As they did the night before, they took turns entering each other. Dan went first this time, his need for Jonathan too great to bear, bringing Jonathan to an unexpected first climax. However, as before, the young man was full of endurance, and provided Dan with the ride of a lifetime minutes later, his previous orgasm allowing Jonathan to go longer, deeper, stronger, not even a second orgasm stopped him. At times, Dan thought he would lose his mind, close to fainting, overwhelmed with pleasure. Falling again, falling freely, enjoying every minute of it. When Dan fell over the precipice, emptying the precious cum over his chest, the involuntary tightening of his ass muscles pulled Jonathan right along with him, unloading again, deep inside of him.

Jonathan collapsed on top of his lover. Sweating, both men kissed each other passionately, remaining like that for hours before Dan got out of bed and cleaned up. When Dan returned from the bathroom, Jonathan was already asleep. He lay down behind his lover, wrapping his arm around him, kissing his neck, smelling him, relishing the moment, before he, too, succumbed to sleep’s embrace. It had been a good Christmas after all.

THE DAYS FOLLOWING
Christmas went by quickly, uneventfully. The two lovers had their routine including a lengthy morning session of intense lovemaking, much to the chagrin of Rascal, whose morning walk was unacceptably delayed. They would walk the dog together, make breakfast, then Dan would work a bit while Jonathan cleaned up the kitchen or explored his new laptop. Sometimes he was assisted by Dan, particularly as he first ventured onto the web, afraid of what he might find. After a light lunch, they would continue working unless the hunger for each other got too intense. Dan found it impossible to resist any touch from Jonathan. If needed, they would drive to town for provisions. Later, before dinner, they would take Rascal out on another walk, longer this time, talking, laughing, watching as the dog relished in the blooming harmony emanating from his pack. After dinner, they would just sit on the sofa and talk. Jonathan would lay either in Dan’s lap or propped up against his shoulder. With no television in the house, they would often go to bed early, though never to sleep, at least not for a while.

On the night before New Year’s Eve, Dan seemed more nervous than usual. Although he had only known the man for roughly three weeks, he’d noticed certain traits, and he could feel how tense he was, obviously withholding something.

The nervousness made Jonathan uneasy, and uneasy wasn’t something that he coped with well. Too close were the memories of his ordeal, too fragile his sense of security, and he really didn’t know when he might be on the street again, when Dan would grow tired of him. Jonathan’s self-esteem was never strong but after the recent couple of months, it was all but shattered. Some say that offense is the best defense so Jonathan thought asking directly was the best way to find out what was troubling Dan. “Hey, is something the matter with you? You seem on the edge? Did I do something?” Jonathan had a hunch it was about him, but was unsure how. Something, somewhere deep within him, was anything but certain if he really wanted to know.

Dan sighed heavily, as if he were caught with his pants down. “Um, eh, um...” he started, clearly uncomfortable with the subject being brought up, but there was something else that Jonathan saw in Dan’s eyes. It wasn’t just discomfort but also excitement. “I might as well just say it, but please promise me not to freak out...” Dan continued, seeing how Jonathan tensed as he spoke those last words. “I’ve got tickets to the Empire New Year’s Eve party tomorrow night. My editor sends them to me every year. It’s the hippest party in the city and I thought, hoped, that maybe, you and I could go? I don’t want to push you, and going back into the city is a big step...”

Jonathan interrupted him, his voice excited. “The Empire party? Are you kidding me? That’s like the coolest place in the entire city. The hottest New Year’s party! Of course, I want to go!” His voice was excited, loud. His face was just plain happy.
That was easier than I thought
. Dan relaxed in his body, his muscles not nearly as tense as they were a few seconds earlier.

“But, I’ve got nothing to wear...” Jonathan’s spirit faltered, but with the ‘big’ thing out of the way, Dan moved in to save the day. “Don’t worry, I have a plan. We can drive into the city early tomorrow, get a nice room at the hotel, and then go shopping? The stores are all open tomorrow. We can get you a tuxedo if you’d like or just something hip. Sean knew all kinds of good places to shop. I should still remember where they are.” Dan had already made reservations at the Empire hotel, but there was no need to spoil the entire surprise for Jonathan, who was literally jumping up and down on the sofa now, his face all smiles.

Dan felt he needed to address one more thing. There was this biting fear within him, and since Jonathan seemed to be so open to going back to the city, he wasn’t overly concerned to put it on the table. “Listen, you haven’t been back to the city since your parents abandoned you. Are you sure you’re really up to this? I mean, we could run into people you know. Heck, we might even run into your parents, although I doubt they’d be at the Empire, given what you’ve told me. But clients of your father’s might be...” Dan didn’t finish the sentence, he had said enough. Jonathan needed to process this, think about what might happen if they were to stumble across someone from his past, someone who knew his parents, who knew him. Questions might be asked, questions to which the answers might get Jonathan in trouble, or his parents. Dan wasn’t sure if Jonathan was up to the task, and that was really what he was afraid of. He had no concerns about the party, per se; after all, it was the best in the state.

Jonathan sat back down on the couch in deep thought. “You know, I’ve been thinking about this for some time. I mean, I can’t really hide out here for the rest of my life, right? I need to finish school. I’ll need to get a job, since obviously I don’t have the money to get an education. I can’t hide from them forever, and now that I’m legally of age, there’s only so much they can do to me, right? I mean, they can’t force me to move back in with them, not that they’d want to. Do I care if they get in trouble? I’m not sure, to be honest. What I really want is to stay out of their way, stay as far away as I possibly can...”

Dan was surprised at Jonathan’s maturity, but then again, thinking about consequences of a chance encounter is one thing. Having to deal with it would be quite another matter entirely. “What if someone presses charges against your parents? What they did is a felony. The state would have to press charges, whether you want to or not, if this ever becomes common knowledge...”

Jonathan quickly shot back. “Then I’ll lie. I don’t want any trouble. Can’t you see? If I face my father, I relinquish some of the control I’ve gained. I’d just rather never see them again...”

Dan nodded. That made sense. “So you’ll need to come up with a cover story. Any ideas?”

“No, not yet. You’re the writer, you tell me.” Jonathan was getting tired of this conversation. He just preferred not to think about his parents, to just push all those memories into the back of his mind. Dan sensed as much and dropped the subject. They went back to the comfortable routine they had established over the past days, not mentioning it again.

The next morning, they got up early, made breakfast, and packed the car. Dan called ahead to a friend of his before they had gone to bed the night before, asking if he could drop off Rascal for a couple of nights, as they weren’t allowed to bring the dog to the Empire Hotel. She had been surprised to hear from Dan, but happily agreed, glad to get back in touch with her old friend.

They packed their bags for the two nights they would be gone and left before the sun was up. The drive to the city took about three hours from the cabin, and since they had to do some shopping, Dan wanted an early start.

Jonathan was nervous, even a little scared, as they approached the city. He was afraid he might be spotted by someone on their way into town. He had relaxed considerably by the time Dan pulled the car into the driveway of the Empire Hotel. They checked in, did their shopping and got ready for the party, which started at eight with cocktails and dinner.

Jonathan enjoyed himself thoroughly. Being back in a city he knew, familiar surroundings, the sounds, smells, feel and the energy being so utterly different from Dan’s house, the forest. The contrast could hardly have been bigger. Here it was bustling, there it was lonely. Here it was loud, there it was quiet. They sat at a table near the windows with an amazing view of the central business district. It reminded Dan of his own apartment, the one he sold after Sean’s death.
Maybe I shouldn’t have
, he thought, thinking of Jon and the prospect of whatever lay ahead.
Let’s not think about that now, let’s just enjoy ourselves, shall we
, he convinced himself, raising his glass to another toast. He looked over to Jonathan and noticed that he was staring at the back of the room. “You okay?” he asked, but Jonathan wouldn’t respond. Dan turned around to see what Jonathan was looking at, but didn’t see anything out of the ordinary. “Hey, Jon, what’s the matter? You look as if someone just walked over your grave,” he teased his lover, putting the glass back on the table. He stretched his arm out to touch Jonathan, but Jonathan recoiled, as if his touch was electric, painful.

Jonathan now looked positively frightened. His back stiffened, his face pale, a bead of sweat running from his temple. “Jon, baby, you’re scaring me. What’s going on? You want to leave?”

It was too late.

“Jonathan? Jonathan Bates? Is that you? Well, I’ll be damned. Your father said you were going to some posh school on the east coast, and you were more or less locked up, couldn’t even make it to your mother’s funeral and all... And now you’re here?”

A man had walked up from behind Dan, Jonathan’s eyes fixated on him.

“Well, boy,” the man continued, “have you lost your speech? Sorry to hear about your mother, by the way. She was a fine woman. That accident was a tragedy. How are you holding up, son?” He walked around to shake Jonathan’s hand, barely noticing Dan sitting there.

Jonathan couldn’t move, couldn’t speak, but somewhere, Dan noticed the faintest plea in his eyes,
get me out of here
....

“Good evening, sir. My name is Daniel Jackson. I’m a friend of Jonathan’s. And you are?” Dan stood up to face the stranger, putting himself in between the man and Jonathan, giving his lover a much needed moment to gather his thoughts.

“Kendall. Marvin Kendall. Nice to meet you, Mr. Jackson.” He gave Dan a quizzical look. “Friend, eh? I’m Jonathan’s principal, well, former principal, since Jonathan left us in November.”

The announcement almost took Dan’s breath away, as it was the one thing he had hoped to avoid. A confrontation with Jonathan’s old life. “And how do you know Jonathan?” Mr. Kendall wondered, his eyes trying to see around Dan, locating Jonathan. “We met a few weeks ago. I no longer live in the city. I’m a freelance journalist.” Dan didn’t really know what to say, so he volunteered information that was of little factual importance and wouldn’t betray Jonathan. “You’re
the
Daniel Jackson? The writer?” Mr. Kendall was impressed. “I love your writing. In fact, I read your latest book on climate change. Very compelling. Very compelling, indeed. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Jackson,” the older man said, smiling warmly. He took Dan’s hand in a firm handshake, using said handshake to literally propel himself around him, so he could once again look at Jonathan.

“Are you okay, boy?” he asked. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost?”

Dan couldn’t take it any longer. He needed to get Jonathan out of there. “He’s not been feeling very well. I think I’ll take him to his room to rest. It’s been nice meeting you, Mr. Kendall.” He pulled Jonathan from his chair and the two left the dining room as quickly as they possibly could with Dan more or less dragging Jonathan along. By the time they got to the elevator, the emotional upheaval was too much and Jonathan cried, quietly, his desperation showing on every fiber of his being. Dan held him tightly and led him back to their suite.

Once they got there, he poured Jonathan a glass of water. “Baby, why didn’t you say something when you noticed him? We could’ve left before he saw you. I’m so sorry. This is all my fault. I’m the one that talked you into coming here...” Dan took Jonathan in his arms, holding his head tight against his shoulder. Jonathan was still in tears, crying calmly, as if he’d just been tossed out into the forest all over again. The look of complete and utter despair in his face and body language was heartbreaking.

“Honey, please, you’re safe here. Nothing is going to happen. You’ve done nothing wrong. You have nothing to be afraid of. Nobody is going to hurt you, not your father, not Mr. Kendall!” That’s when he heard the first sound from Jonathan’s lips. “Mom!” And Dan understood, or at least started to understand what emotional turmoil Kendall’s words had unleashed. Jonathan’s mother was dead? The reporter in Dan was curious, and he knew exactly what to do to find answers for Jonathan if he needed any, but right then all he could do was hold him, comfort him.

Jonathan had just lost his mother, and no matter what she had done to him, and no matter what she had not done to him, he still loved her. And now he was utterly devastated. There wasn’t much Dan could do besides hold his lover. Eventually, he got up and fetched one of his sleeping pills from his toiletry bag and gave it to Jonathan. “Here, take this. It’ll help you sleep tonight. I promise you, in the morning, things will look just a little bit different, okay?”

Jonathan swallowed the pill and drank some water. Dan led him to the bedroom where he helped Jon out of his new shoes, his new clothes and tucked him in. He’d had somewhat different plans for their first big night out, but for now, Jonathan’s well-being was paramount, making the New Year’s kiss he was sure to miss, feel insignificant. He lay down behind Jonathan, holding him tightly, stroking his hair gently, kissing his neck. Eventually, he could feel Jonathan’s body relax, he fell asleep, his breathing becoming regular. Slowly, the horror on his face was replaced by a more relaxed expression, the tears all dried up.

Dan gave it another few minutes before he disentangled himself and exited the bedroom, wondering how to proceed. He really wanted to talk to Mr. Kendall. He needed to find out what had happened to Jonathan’s mother. Might as well take the bull by the horns, he thought. Although uncomfortable with leaving Jonathan alone in the room, he hoped the pill would provide him enough relaxation to not wake up until Dan was back. The journalist needed answers, and
damn it
, he was going to get them!