JOSS: A Standalone Romance (Gray Wolf Security) (15 page)

Joss

I pulled the rental car to the side of the road and lay my head on the steering wheel. I wasn’t sure I was ready to do this, but I couldn’t imagine it was something I would ever truly be ready to do. It was so odd to be back here, to see familiar places that had barely changed in the last two years. We used to joke that nothing would ever change in this place because it was lost to time, and I was beginning to think that was true. The same convenience store was still at the turn off to downtown, the same dark, tired buildings lining the main street. Even the farmhouses that dotted the countryside were basically the same.

“You would laugh if you could see it, Esteban,” I whispered.

I slowly stepped out of the car and waited for another vehicle to pass before I walked to the side of the road where a small, white cross made of simple sandstone stood. Esteban’s family had erected a permanent memorial on the side of the road where the accident had happened. I was told that Esteban’s former students came to this place quite often to leave gifts: pencils and apples and poems. They were all things Esteban would have appreciated in the classroom. People remembered him with such affection that my heart swelled with every story I heard.

I’d been here nearly a week now. I’d visited with his family, cried with his mother, gone to Mass with his grandmother. I even went to the NICU and spoke to a few of the nurses who’d worked so hard to keep Isaac comfortable.

I’d thought this trip would be the hardest thing I’d ever done. But it wasn’t.

This…this was hard.

We went to the cemetery my first day in town. I placed flowers on Esteban’s grave, a little truck on Isaac’s. But that…their bodies were there, but their souls had gone long ago.

“You’re moving on,” Esteban’s mother said to me last night.

I nodded. “I think so.”

She touched my hand and smiled. “He’d want that.”

It was as if a weight was removed from my shoulders. I had thought she would resent my choices. I thought she’d want me to grieve her son for the rest of my life. But she understood more than I’d given her credit for.

I had chosen not to come here. It brought up the memories of that night, of passing in the police cruiser and seeing the blood on the crushed windshield. Of all the things that happened from that night forward…that was the one thing I tried not to remember.

“I love you,” Esteban said, as the baby cried in his arms and my frustration level began to ratchet.

“Just go,” I’d said.

Those were my last words to my husband. And I stood there, watching him put Isaac in the car seat, watching him wave as they drove away, and I couldn’t even wave back. I knew, deep in my heart, that he understood. But it still didn’t take away the shame.

I touched his name on the sandstone, then Isaac’s.

“I’m sorry,” I whispered. “I should have been more patient. I should have remembered that it wasn’t your fault that I was feeling so overwhelmed. You did the best you could.”

Being a mother was so demanding. I wasn’t prepared for all the time Isaac would require. I didn’t know that his cry would be so harsh, so arduous, and so immediate. I’d watched women in the grocery store, in the mall, saw babies lying contently in strollers and parents stealing kisses. I thought it would all be peaches and cream. I hadn’t realized that real life was never the way other’s made it look. And in my delusions, my inadequacies, Esteban just smiled and told me he loved me.

“I used to think that God had played a cruel trick, that he’d taken the wrong person. It should have been me.” I touched his name again. “You were so kind. Your students loved you so much. No one would have missed me but you.”

Tears wet my cheeks. I brushed them away.

“I did love you. I should have said it every chance I got. I’m sorry for that.” I took a deep breath. “You taught me so much, and I will be a better person because of it. I’m grateful.”

I stood there a moment longer, my hand resting on the top of the cross. Then I took a deep breath and walked back to the car. It was time to go back, time to face my life in Santa Monica with a new outlook on life.

Donovan was getting married in a week. There were all these things we had to do, rehearsal dinners and bachelorette parties and bachelor parties and showers and breakfasts and things I wasn’t even sure what the purpose was. But it was a happy time and I was so ready for something good to happen.

Life was an ever-evolving animal. I was hoping it would be a kind, gentle one for the foreseeable future.

Carrington

I pulled the car to the side of the road and pointed to the beach that unfolded to the left of us.

“What about this? Do you think this looks good?”

“It’s November, Daddy.”

“I know.”

“It’s cold.”

“It’s Florida, McKelty. It’s never cold here.”

She crossed her arms over her chest, her eyes fixed on the windshield.

“I still don’t understand why we couldn’t at least wait until Joss got out of the hospital. She’s my friend.”

“I know that.”

“She was hurt.”

“I know that, too.”

“Why couldn’t we stay? Why couldn’t we go see her when we were back in Los Angeles? Why couldn’t she come to Florida with us?”

I sighed. We’d had this conversation a half dozen times since we left Oregon. McKelty had been traumatized, and I thought it best to get her out of there. She wouldn’t let go of Joss for the longest time, and when she finally did, she wouldn’t stop crying. She was still crying on the plane even after the doctor Ash had found sedated her. Once we were home, the hysterics began all over again, and it was all focused on Joss.

“She protected us.”

“I know, baby. I know that better than anyone.”

“But you just left her alone in the hospital.”

I regretted telling her that Joss had gone to the hospital. I regretted watching those backwoods cops question her while she knelt on the cold ground, blood running down the side of her face. And when she lost consciousness…

“I told you, Ash assured me she was fine. It was just a little cut.”

“There was a lot of blood.”

“Head wounds bleed more than others.”

McKelty shook her head. “I don’t believe you.”

She’d never spoken to me in that way before. I thought a trip to Florida, a trip to see her grandmother, would bring her out of this attitude, but it only seemed to make things worse.

I started the car and turned it back around, heading back to my mother’s condo.

“She’s just trying to deal with a difficult situation in the best way possible.”

“She’s driving me mad.”

My mother brought me a cup of tea and joined me at the kitchen table. McKelty was in bed, sleeping—finally—after a great deal of arguing. I wrapped my hands around the mug, trying to take some comfort in its warmth. I needed comfort from something.

“Tell me about this Joss.”

I groaned. “You’re not going to start, too, are you?”

“She saved my son and my granddaughter’s lives. I want to know about her.”

I lifted the tea to my lips and took a cautious sip.

“Cary…”

I shook my head. “She’s ex-military, a professional security operative. She works for Gray Wolf—”

“I know all this.”

“Then what do you want to know?”

“Why did McKelty have an expectation that she would be welcome in the woman’s hospital room? She clearly thought they were friends.”

“They spent twenty-four seven together while those people were after us.”

“But there was more.”

She looked at me with eyes that saw through the façade I tried to project to the rest of the world. She’d always been able to see through me.

“We were involved, but it was…there was nothing permanent about it.”

“You don’t care for her?”

“I did. I just…I can’t get involved in a relationship now. There’s too much going on.”

“And when will it be a good time?”

I sipped the tea again, trying to find a way to get myself out of this conversation. But there wasn’t one.

“I love you, Mom. I do. And I adore McKelty. But this isn’t about her or you. This is about me.”

“This about Andrea. She shattered you when she died.”

I nodded. There was no point in denying it. “She did.”

“And you’ve had a hard time moving past it.”

“Yes.”

“But don’t you think it’s time?”

“Have you moved past Dad?”

Her eyes dropped to the table, and I thought I’d won my point. But then she looked up and offered me a crooked smile.

“I was meaning to tell you…”

“What?”

“There’s a man—”

I stood up and stormed across the room, slamming my hands against the countertop.

“A man?”

“He’s good to me, Cary.”

I shook my head. “My mom has a boyfriend.”

“You didn’t expect me to spend the rest of my life alone, did you?”

I laughed because my life seemed to have suddenly become one, big cosmic joke. I laughed because I thought I knew who I was and where my life was going. I thought I knew my mother; I thought I knew what to expect from her. I thought I had everything under control. But the joke was on me. There was no such thing as control.

“I love you, Cary,” she said, coming up behind me, pressing her hand to the small of my back. “I loved your dad and, God knows, I adored Aidan. None of that will ever change.”

“I know.”

“You have a right to be happy. To hell with Matthews Shipping. If the business is what’s keeping you from being happy—?”

“It’s not that.”

“Then it’s Andrea.”

“I failed her, Mom.”

“No, baby,” she said, letting her hand move slowly up the length of my back. “She failed you. When are you going to see that?”

A part of me wanted to argue with her. But I knew she knew everything and if she’d come to this conclusion, nothing I could say would change that. I turned and wrapped my arms around her, pressing my face to the top of her head. If she could see that and Joss could see that, why couldn’t I?

Why did I have to hang on to all that guilt?

The answer was suddenly so simple. I didn’t.

Joss

I stood at the back of the church, more interested in being close to the bathroom than watching the ceremony. I was glad Kate hadn’t chosen me to be one of her bridesmaids. Kirkland seemed outraged by it, but I was glad to see Ricki walk down the aisle in my place. It was more appropriate. Kate had so much more in common with Ricki than she’d ever have with me. And I think she needed to surround herself with people who weren’t part of Donovan’s world, who weren’t making their living running in front of bullets.

Not that I’d been doing that much lately. Between the time I took to go back to Illinois and the time it took me to recover from my two wounds, I hadn’t been assigned a case in a while. It had been nice, actually. Nice to get up in the morning and know that it was just the waves and me for as long as I wanted them. I went this morning, taking a few risks because I knew I wouldn’t be doing it much longer. My board was waxed and the waves were awesome. It was the most peaceful thing I’d ever known in my life.

Except maybe looking into the face of my newborn child.

Those memories were slowly escaping the box I’d placed them in, and I was grateful for it. I wanted to remember the good times now that they didn’t hurt so much. I’d been a mother, and I wanted to treasure that knowledge. It seemed unfair to Isaac not to embrace that.

The music began and my boys—Donovan, Ash, David, and Kirkland—appeared at the altar. Kirkland caught my eye and winked. Even Ash seemed pleased to see me standing there despite the coolness that had grown between us since the conversation in my hospital room. If only he’d overheard what the doctor came to tell me just after he left…then maybe he would warm up just a little.

Not that I’d wanted that to change things between us.

It seemed like everything was changing though. Donovan was getting married. David was walking, and he was engaged. Change was in the air for me, too. Exactly where that change would take me was unclear at the moment, but I’m sure it would make itself known soon.

I watched as three pretty women walked up the aisle to meet Kirkland, David, and Ash. Then Kate came up the aisle on the arm of her father. She was a beautiful bride. I found myself wondering if it wouldn’t be worth all the hassle to have a proper wedding like this one.

“Kate,” Donovan said when it was his turn to speak his vows, “a tragedy broke us apart too many years ago to count. But a new tragedy brought us together and reminded us what it was we saw in each other to begin with. You are my friend, my lover, my confidant. I can’t imagine wanting to spend my life, to have children and walk into the future hand in hand, with anyone but you.”

Was it stupid that I began to cry? But, again, my eyes weren’t the only wet ones in the church.

I slipped out just before the ceremony ended, ducking into the bathroom. I knew I shouldn’t have eaten that oatmeal for breakfast. I knelt in front of the toilet, trying in vain to keep the skirt of my dress from getting soiled by the dirty floor. I heard the door open, and I closed my eyes, willing the retching to stop. But, of course, it was as if my body was determined to be found out.

“Are you okay?”

Ricki. Great.

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Are you sure? Joss?”

“Yeah, I’m good. I’ll be out in a few minutes.”

There was some hesitation in which I heard her feet shuffle a little against the tile floor. Then she cleared her throat.

“So, Kirkland wanted me to ask you if you needed a ride to the reception.”

“No. I’m good. Tell him thanks.”

“Okay.” Again, hesitation, feet shuffling. “Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

She finally left, and I picked myself up off the floor. I washed out my mouth at the sink, using the handy little bottle of mouthwash I’d begun carrying with me most of the time now. I’d never been one to get sick. This was threatening to push me over the edge.

When I had full control over my bodily functions, and I was pretty sure it’d been long enough for everyone to have left, I made my way out of the church. The limos were gone, but there was a single Cadillac Escalade sitting at the curb, a red-haired man leaning back against it.

My turn to hesitate, my ankles wobbling in the heels I shouldn’t have worn.

“I was beginning to think you’d slipped out the back door.”

I shook my head, squinting in the bright sunlight.

“What are you doing here?”

“I called the office, and they told me you’d be here. Rose. She’s a very helpful lady when she wants to be.”

“Rose? I thought…?” I tilted my head slightly. I was pretty sure Rose had been in the front pew during the ceremony.

He came toward me, slipping his sunglasses off as he moved closer.

“McKelty keeps asking about you.”

“Tell her I miss her, too.”

“I will.”

I nodded, crossing my arms over my chest and then uncrossing them, suddenly feeling uncomfortable and unsure what to do with myself. Carrington smiled softly, that charming smile that he must have learned from Kirkland. Not that he looked anything like my friend. I don’t even know why I compared them, not sure what I was thinking. My thoughts were moving around in circles, my heart pounding. Why was he here? What did he want from me now?

Had he gotten my dozen messages?

I couldn’t tell him now, not out in front of a church, not just after my friend got married. It just didn’t seem right.

“You look…amazing.”

“I’m not really a formal dress girl.”

“You wouldn’t know it by looking at you.”

“Thanks,” I said, running my hands over my full skirt. It was a simple, blue dress that fell from a sweetheart neckline into a full, A-line skirt. I picked it out in a hurry, realizing a week ago that I didn’t have anything to wear to the wedding.

“I miss you,” he suddenly blurted.

“Carrington, I can’t—”

“I can’t stop think about you,” he said, moving closer to me.

He touched my jaw, but I pulled back. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t let myself feel hope again where he was concerned. I’d just gotten my head in a good place. I couldn’t let him mess that up.

“I know I screwed everything up,” he said. “You have no reason to believe anything that comes out of my mouth. But when I saw you there, blood pouring over the side of your head—”

“Let me stop you there,” I said, holding up a hand. “That night was very emotionally charged. I understand if you think that what I did means anything for us, but it really doesn’t. I was just doing my job.”

“I know that.”

“It was about saving McKelty. That’s what you hired me to do.”

“I know.”

“I don’t want you to think you owe me something because of that.”

He made this face, his bottom lip moving up to create a dimple in the middle of his chin.

“I don’t.”

I nodded and started to move around him.

“I love you, Joss,” he said. “And that has nothing to do with that night.”

My body went rigid. I hadn’t expected that.

“I mean, it has a little to do with that night. What you said…when you told me that I needed to get over my guilt where Andrea was concerned. You were right. My mom’s been saying the same thing for years, and hearing you say it somehow finally got through my thick skull.” He came up behind me and touched my arm lightly. “I thought I couldn’t give my heart to someone new because I couldn’t be the partner that person would need. But then I realized that I gave my heart away without knowing it. That I found the partner
I
need. I realized that I don’t want to pretend that I don’t love you anymore.”

His hand on my arm sent warm shivers through my body. At the same time, my stomach twisted and turned, what was left of my breakfast letting me know it really didn’t want to stay there anymore.

What the hell was I going to do?

“Say something.”

I turned slowly. “There’s something you should probably know before you say anything else.”

Concern was instantly etched in his face. “Is it too late?”

Tears suddenly filled my eyes. I couldn’t…I rushed to the side of the steps and leaned on the railing to retch into the bushes. He came up behind me, pulling my hair out of the way and holding me around the waist so I wouldn’t fall into my mess.

When the spasms past, I turned around, wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

“Sorry.”

He shrugged even though his eyes were narrowed with concern.

“I…uh…when I was in the hospital with the head thing…” I touched the side of my head, aware I wasn’t doing this very well. “The doctor told me they found something in my bloodwork.”

“Are you sick?”

“In a way.”

I reached up and lifted my hair off of my neck, suddenly overheated despite the cool November breeze that moved over us.

“I tried calling your office, but they kept telling me you were out of town.”

“I was. I took McKelty to visit her grandmother.”

I nodded, my eyes shifting to the street, the cars passing by. I wondered what their occupants thought of the scene unfurling on the church steps.

“So, the thing is,” I said, trying really hard not to look at him. I felt like a fool. What kind of teenager thing was it to get myself in such a predicament? “I’m pregnant.”

“You’re pregnant,” he repeated as if he didn’t quite understand what I meant.

“Yeah.”

He was quiet for so long that I finally had to look at him. He was watching me, this big, goofy grin on his face.

“What?”

He laughed. “Did you really think that would scare me off? You do realize I already have a kid.”

“Yeah, but I wasn’t sure if—”

“Oh, hell, Joss. For such a strong, brave woman, you can sure be stupid sometimes.”

He pulled me into his arms and kissed my neck, holding me so tight that I thought he might break a rib. And then he started to laugh. “I thought you were dying, or something.”

“How was I supposed to know that wouldn’t be a shock to you?”

“It is a little of a shock, but not enough to make me not love you.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

I pulled back and looked up at him. “Say it again.”

He grew very serious despite the laughter dancing in his eyes. “I love you, Joselyn Grant Hernandez.”

I smiled because I was afraid I would burst if I didn’t.

“I love you, too.”

He laughed again, rocking me back and forth in his arms. But the movement….

Oh, I loved morning sickness!