Journey (35 page)

“Bullshit. I don't recall that you were ever from the right side of the tracks, or even knew what they looked like. Hell, you were a whore when you were a kid. Look at Lizzie.”

“Yeah, look at her. She's a great kid, and a decent person in spite of some pretty rotten breaks, thanks to me. I owe her something now. And I owe myself something.”

“You owe me everything. And I hope you realize you'll be out of a job if you leave me.” His eyes glittered like steel.

“Possibly. I'll let my lawyers handle that, Jack. I have a contract with the network. You can't just throw me out without notice or compensation.” She had gotten braver and smarter while fighting for her life in the rubble. She wondered how he could think that the things he was saying to her would convince her to stay with him. But once they might have, out of pure intimidation. That was the sad part.

“Don't threaten me. You won't get a dime out of me with that bullshit. And don't forget the prenup you signed. You walk out of my house empty-handed. It's all mine, even your fucking pantyhose. You walk out on me, Maddy, and all you've got is the hospital gown you're wearing.”

“What do you want from me?” she asked sadly. “Why do you want me to stay? You hate me.”

“I have every right to hate you. You lie to me. You've cheated on me. I know you have a boyfriend who calls you every day. How fucking dumb do you think I am?” Not dumb. Mean. But she didn't say it to him. She was brave, not foolish.

“He's not a boyfriend. We've just been friends till now. I have never cheated on you. And the only thing I've ever lied to you about is Lizzie.”

“I'd say that's a big one. But I'm willing to forgive you. I'm the victim here, not you. I'm the one who's gotten screwed over in this deal, and I'm still willing to put up with you. You don't know how lucky you are. Just wait till you're starving and back in some shit hole in Memphis, or Knoxville, or wherever the hell you wind up with your bastard kid. You'll be begging me to come back,” he said, slowly approaching the bed as she wondered what he would do next. There was a look in his eyes she'd never seen before, and she was instantly reminded of everything she'd been told in her abuse group. When he would sense his prey leaving him, he would do everything he could to stop her. Whatever he had to. “You're not leaving me, Mad,” he said, standing over her, as she trembled. “You haven't got the balls for that. You're too smart for that. You're not going to throw a golden life and your whole career out the window,
are you?” He was wheedling and terrifying, and there was an implied threat just in the way he looked at her. “Maybe you got hit on the head last night. Maybe that's what happened to you. Maybe I ought to knock some sense into you to get you thinking straight again. How about it, Maddy?” But as he said it to her, she felt everything rise up in her, and she knew that if he laid a hand on her, she'd kill him. She was not going to let him do this again, drag her back and torture her and humiliate her and convince her she was dirt and deserved all the misery and accusations he heaped on her. And the look in her eyes would have terrified him if he'd understood it.

“If you lay a hand on me, here or anywhere else, I swear I'll kill you. I've taken all the shit from you I'm ever going to. You cleaned the floor with me, but it's all over, Jack. I'm not coming back. Find someone else to dump on, and abuse, and torture.”

“Oh listen to the big girl threatening her daddy. Poor baby. Do I scare you, Mad?” he asked, laughing at her, but she was out of bed now and facing him. The time had come. The game was over.

“No, you don't scare me, you son of a bitch. You make me sick. Get out of my room, Jack. Or I'll call for security and have you thrown out.”

He stood looking at her for a long moment, and then came and stood so close to her she could have counted the hairs in his eyebrows if she'd cared to. “I hope you die, you fucking bitch. And you will. Soon, I hope. You deserve to.” She couldn't tell if it was a direct threat or not, and it scared her, but not enough to make her change her mind. And as she watched him spin on his heel and walk out of the room, there was an insane
instant of wanting to stop him and beg him to forgive her. But she knew she couldn't. That was the sick part of her, begging her to go back, feeling guilty, wanting him to love her at any price, no matter how much pain she had to take from him in order to get it. But that part of her was no longer in control anymore, and she watched him go silently, without making a move. And when he was gone, she was engulfed by sobs of pain and loss and guilt. However much she hated him, and however evil he was, like a malignancy on her soul, no matter how deep she gouged to cut him out, she knew she would never forget him, and he would never forgive her.

Chapter 22

T
HE DAY AFTER THEY RESCUED HER
, Maddy went back to the nursery to see Andy again, and they told her the social worker had come to see him that morning. They were taking him the next day and placing him in a foster home, until they could arrange for long-term placement. And she went back to her room with a heavy heart. She knew she would never see him again, just as once she had known it about Lizzie. But God had given her a second chance with her, and now she wondered if Andy and his mother had come into her life for a reason.

She thought about it all afternoon, and later talked to Bill when he came to see her. He knew about her visit from Jack the day before, and he was both relieved and worried. He didn't want him coming back to hurt her. Now that Jack knew that she was leaving him, there was no telling what he would do, and he urged Maddy to be careful. She was going to pick up her things at the house when she left the hospital, and she agreed to take
someone with her to do it. She was going to hire a security guard from the network. And Bill had promised to buy her some clothes to leave the hospital, but she wasn't worried about Jack. She felt surprisingly free. And although it pained her to have said what she had to him, she was amazed that she didn't feel guilty. She knew that she would again, at some point. She'd been warned about that. But she knew she had done the right thing. Jack was a cancer that would have killed her if she let him.

But she was haunted about Annie's baby. “I know this sounds crazy,” she finally admitted to Bill, “but I promised her I'd take care of him. I guess I should at least let the social worker know that I'd like to know where they place him.” Bill thought that was a good idea, and they talked more about the disaster in the mall. One of the perpetrators of it had been apprehended. He was a twenty-year-old boy with a history of mental disorders, and a prison record. And he had apparently done it with two partners, who hadn't been found yet. There were memorial services everywhere for the victims, and it made it even worse that it was almost Christmas. And Bill had already told her he was thinking of not going to Vermont, and staying in the city to be with her.

“Don't worry about me. I'll be fine,” she promised. She felt surprisingly well, aside from a few aches and pains, and she had already decided to move into Lizzie's apartment with her. She was arriving in a week, and they were going to spend Christmas together. And she didn't mind sharing a bedroom with Lizzie, at least for the time being.

“You can stay with me if you like,” he said hopefully, and she smiled at him as he kissed her. He had been extraordinary
to her since the disaster at the mall, and long before that.

“Thank you for the offer, but I'm not sure you're ready for a roommate.”

“That wasn't exactly what I had in mind,” he said, blushing a little. She loved his gentleness and the kindness he constantly showed her. They had a lot to look forward to now, and to discover about each other. But she didn't want to rush it either. She needed to recover from a lifetime of abuse, nine years of Jack, and Bill was still wending his way through the grief process over Margaret. But there was certainly room in their lives now for each other. What she wasn't sure of was where Andy fit in, and yet she knew she wanted to make a place for him, even if only for an occasional visit, to honor a promise made to his mother. Maddy was not going to forget that.

And she said as much that night to Lizzie on the phone when they talked. Lizzie had been so panicked about the explosion at the mall, that she was calling her mother several times daily.

“Why don't you adopt him?” she said with a nineteen-year-old's simplicity, and Maddy told her that was ridiculous. She didn't have a husband now, might have lost her job, she didn't even have her own apartment. But after she hung up, the idea rolled around in her head like a marble in a shoebox. And at three o'clock in the morning, still awake, Maddy wandered into the nursery, sat in a rocking chair, and held him. He was sleeping peacefully in her arms when a nurse came in and told her she should be in bed. But she couldn't. She felt as though a force greater than she was pushing her toward him, and she could no longer resist it.

She was waiting nervously in the hall when the social worker came for him in the morning, and Maddy asked if she could speak to her for a minute. She explained the situation to her, and the woman looked interested but startled.

“I'm sure it was a very emotional moment for you, Mrs. Hunter. Your lives were all in danger. No one would expect you to honor a promise like that. That's a major decision.”

“I know it is,” Maddy explained. “It isn't just that…. I don't know what it is … I think I've fallen in love with him,” she said about the blue-eyed baby Annie had asked her to take care of.

“The fact that you'd be single isn't a handicap. Although it could be a burden for you,” the social worker said to her. Maddy hadn't mentioned that she might be out of a job, but she had enough money put away in her own name to be secure for quite some time. She had been cautious with what she'd made over the years, and had a healthy nest egg for her and Lizzie, and even a baby. “Are you telling me you want to adopt him?”

“I think so,” Maddy said, feeling a wave of love wash over her for him. It felt like the right thing to do, for her, if no one else. She had no idea how Bill felt. But she couldn't give up her dreams for him now either. She had to do what was right for her. And if it worked out for both of them, it would be a blessing for everyone, not just her and the baby. But she at least wanted to ask him how he felt about it. “How long do I have to decide?”

“A while. We're placing him in a temporary foster home. They're a family who have helped us out before,
but they're not interested in adoption. They do this out of the goodness of their hearts, for religious reasons. But a baby like this will be in high demand. He's healthy white, eight weeks old. He's what everyone wants to adopt. And there aren't many like him these days.”

“Let me think about it. Would I have any kind of priority?”

“As long as there's no family to object, and we're researching that now, he could be yours very quickly, Mrs. Hunter.” Maddy nodded, and a few minutes later, the social worker left her room, after giving Maddy her card. And when Maddy went back to the nursery later on, she felt her heart ache, knowing he wouldn't be there. She was still down about it when Bill came to see her a little later. He had bought her a pair of gray slacks, a blue sweater, a pair of loafers and some underwear, and a new coat, and some toiletries and makeup and a nightgown.

She complimented him on how well he'd done, and everything fit perfectly. She was leaving the hospital the next day, and had agreed to stay with him, until she could set up Lizzie's apartment. She thought she could do it in a week. She wanted to pick up her things at Jack's, and she had to get back to work. She had a lot to do, and she sat talking to Bill about all of it, and then brought up the baby. She told him she was thinking of adopting him, and he looked startled when she said it.

“You are? Are you sure that's what you want to do, Maddy?”

“Not entirely. That's why I'm talking about it to you. I'm not sure if it's the craziest idea I've ever had, or the best thing I've ever done … or what I was meant to do. I just don't know,” she said, looking troubled.

“The best thing you've ever done was leave Jack Hunter,” he said firmly. “This could be the next best thing, after Lizzie.” He smiled at her. “I must say, you threw me a curve on that one, Maddy” It underlined to him how much older than she he was. He had loved his children when they were young, and he loved his grandchildren now, but taking on a baby at his age was more than he had bargained for, although he was crazy about her daughter. “I'm not sure what to say.” He was being honest about it.

“Neither am I. I'm not sure if I'm asking you or telling you, or if either is relevant. We don't have any idea yet where things are going with us, or if it will work out, no matter how much we love each other.” She was being honest about that, and he admired her for it. And what she said was true. He was in love with her, but whether or not it would prove to be a relationship for life, or one that even worked short-term, neither of them could judge yet. This was just the beginning for them. They hadn't even been to bed yet, although the prospect of it was certainly appealing. But a baby was a major commitment. They had no argument about that. “All my life,” she struggled to explain to him, “people have been telling me what to do in that area, as well as every other. My parents made me give Lizzie up. Bobby Joe made me have abortions early on, and then I had them because I didn't want his kids. Jack forbade me to have kids, so I had my tubes tied. And then he forbade me to see Lizzie. And now this baby comes along, and I want to be sure that I do what I need to do, what's right for me, not just for you. Because if I give him up, in order to have you, maybe I'll always feel that I gave up something I shouldn't have. On the other hand, I don't
want to lose you over a baby who isn't mine anyway. Do you see what I mean?” she asked, looking confused, and he smiled and sat down next to her on the bed, and put an arm around her and pulled her close to him.

“Yes, I see what you mean. Although it sounds a little complicated when you say it. But I don't want to take something away from you that's right for you either. You'd wind up hating me for it, or feeling cheated someday. Particularly since you've never had a baby since Lizzie, and you're not able to, and you missed nineteen years of her life. I've had all that. I don't have a right to deprive you of it.” It was what Jack should have said to her seven years before when he married her, but hadn't. But they hadn't been honest with each other, and this was extraordinarily different. Bill had absolutely nothing in common with Jack Hunter. And the woman she was now bore no relation to the woman she had been when she married Jack. It was a whole new world.