Judy Garland on Judy Garland (51 page)

JG:
It does.

JP:
Did you hear about the producer who was fired …

JG:
[Interrupting.]
Also, you must hear, first, darling …
[touches Paar's face].
Oh, forgive me for interrupting.

JP:
You must never interrupt me. [
All laugh.]

JG:
First you must mention the man who wrote the music, too. Harold Arlen.

JP:
Harold Arlen. [
Applause.]
Oh, I used to love him in all those airplane pictures. Oh, boy! Anyhow … [
all laugh].

JG:
That was
Richard
Arlen!

JP:
Richard Arlen. Oh, yeah. Well, this song has all the … Did you hear about the producer who wanted to work with you and got fired because he wanted you to open with “Over the Rainbow?” He wanted you to walk out, sit down, and open with “Over the Rainbow.” That's an inside joke. And I see it stayed inside!

JG:
Yeah …

JP:
Anyhow, this is a great song, I'm telling you. Don't fool around when I say something. You know that. “Little Drops of Rain.” You ready?

JG:
Yes, I'm ready.

JP:
All right!

[Lights dim as Judy sings “Little Drops of Rain” in her seat alongside Paar, who leads a standing ovation at song's end.]

JP:
I know you've never done this song before, publicly, but I'd like for you to do it for me: “Paris is a Lonely Town.”

JG:
What's that again?

JP:
“Paris Is a Lonely Town.” [
All laugh.]
Will you do it for us?

JG:
Surely. But do you mind if I go over and make sort of a production of it? [
Strokes his cheek.]

JP:
[Enamored.]
I don't care
what
you do!

[Judy sings “Paris Is a Lonely Town” to an enthusiastic audience literally yelling for more by the song's conclusion.]

[Commercial break.]

JP:
Listen, tell them that crazy story about Orson Welles.

JG:
Oh …

JP:
She's got the greatest stories in the world. I'll let her talk.

JG:
Oh, no. You mean the one about the opening in Washington? Well you … do you want me to?

JP:
Sure
I want you to do it!
[Audience applauds.]

JG:
Orson Welles. Orson Welles is a great friend of mine, and when he first started in the theater he did weird, weird plays.
Wonderful
plays. But he used platforms that came up out of nowhere, and revolving stages and all kinds of things that hadn't been done before. And they were doing some
very
extravagant play. I forget … I think it was a Shakespearean play. As a matter of fact, I think it was a combination of
three
Shakespearean plays. And at one point …
[laughs]
at one point he had fifty soldiers with crusade outfits, you know, with the
[gestures]
helmets, march onto the stage with bows and arrows, you know, and they pulled their bows and arrows and shot the arrows into the wings where there was a big board. And it had gone all right, you know, all during rehearsal. And they opened in Washington. [It was] a very formal opening, with lots of senators and little old ladies, and it was black tie. And these fifty soldiers … I have to stand up …
[stands].
Fifty soldiers came marching up and they stood and pulled their bows and arrows. And just as they pulled the bows and arrows, somebody pushed the button to turn the revolving stage and
fifty arrows
went into the audience!
[Audience laughs.]
You've never
seen
such people saying, “Let's get
out
of here!”
[Audience laughs and applauds as Judy returns to her seat.]

JP:
He's a marvelous talent.

JG:
Oh, he's marvelous. Yes, I remember one. Can I tell one more? Oscar Levant. You know Oscar?

JP:
Oh yes. I do. I've had the pleasure to … [
laughs].

JG:
Oscar Levant came to Paramount Studios to make a movie, and he always wears a blue suit that he's worn for about 108 years. The same blue
suit and same dark tie. Black tie. And it was his first day at Paramount and he was sort of shuffling around with his pigeon toes and wondering what stage to go to and so forth. And he saw in the distance, a great big man come out with a Hawaiian shirt on, white pants and sandals, and big black glasses. Eight scripts under each arm, and a bunch of secretaries in back with papers just flying left and right. And as this group drew nearer to Oscar, he realized that it was Orson Welles—you know with the Hawaiian shirt and the girls—and he didn't say anything. He just looked. And as Orson passed Oscar, he looked at Oscar and said, “Hello, Oscar. I hear you've gone Hollywood!” [All
laugh and applaud.]

JP:
Hey, tell us some of the stories about the concerts you've done. The crazy things with the microphones and all. Like tonight.

JG:
[Laughs.]
Yeah. Well, let's see. Well, you know I did all those concerts. I did forty-three concerts in forty-three towns, and so it got to the point where you just got into town and hit the hotel. And I would lie in state like Stalin, you know, and not talk. And then hit the theater and sing and get
out,
you know. Before they caught us. But we did one thing I think you want to hear. We played Houston. And we had curtains that parted in the middle, you know. And there were two stagehands
walking
the curtains, you know, how they have to walk the curtains out around the bandstands. And this little old man … He didn't like me or anything ‘cause he wanted to play gin, obviously, with the rest of the musicians. Oh, sorry! The rest of the
stagehands.
Oh my! And he was standing, waiting to walk the curtain. I'd finished part of my show, the curtains had closed, and he was standing waiting to open them again. I said, “Open them, open them.” He walked back and somehow he managed [
stands and turns],
as he was walking, to get caught [in the curtain]. And he just kept rolling up and rolling up and rolling up, and he got all wrapped up in the velour! I didn't see him and I had about three more numbers to do, and David Begelman and Freddie Fields, my
darling
managers, were backstage and they …

JP:
The man was yelling, wasn't he?

JG:
The manager, the manager …

JP:
Wasn't he yelling? Wasn't the old guy yelling?

JG:
No, no, no. We couldn't hear him. Well, I couldn't hear him. I guess he could.

JP:
You didn't hear him, but he was yelling.

JG:
He was in three feet of velour.

JP:
He was all wrapped up.

JG:
So they rushed up to David and said, “How much how much longer is she going to be on?” And he said “Not too long, not too long. Don't worry about him. He'll be all right,” you know. Terrible. And I sang for about thirty-two minutes and I went off. I looked down and there were these little feet and one hand. One hand. And just a voice going, “Mmmmmpppphh.” [
Audience laughs.]
And I said, “What the
heck
is going …” And they said, “Never mind!” Needless to say, at the end of the concert we unfurled him. We flew him out by unwrapping the curtain.

JP:
How old a fellow was he?

JG:
Oh, he was about sixty-eight.

JP:
Probably the best action he's had in a long time! [All
laugh.]
Even at sixty-eight he's a little
velour!
You know, it's
something!
Oh, dear. [All
laugh.]

JP:
We'll be back after this message …

JG:
[Laughs.]
You wanna bet?

[
Commercial break.]

JP:
There's a boy backstage growing older …
[audience laughs and applauds]
I was telling Judy, you know, with his hair, that great voice, and this marvelous personality, and all that curly hair, and he's got skin like Lillian Gish, as she pointed out … [
all laugh].

JG:
He's so darling. He's
dreamy.

JP:
Why can't he have a few pimples? Just to give him … [
all laugh].
Ladies and gentlemen, one of the nicest guys in the show business, Bobby Goulet. [
Audience applauds as Goulet enters and kisses Judy.]

JG:
Oh, you are a pretty one!

JP:
Did you think we weren't ever going to bring you out?

Robert Goulet:
I wasn't sure!

JP:
[To
Judy.
] He's a handsome devil, isn't he?

JG:
He's murder.

JP:
And I think it's obscene, don't you?

JG:
I don't …

JP:
Don't you have any crooked teeth or
anything?

RG:
I've got a pimple here I thought I'd grow for you.

JG:
[Laughs.]
Where? I wanna see it!
[Audience laughs.]

JP:
And he's a real nice man. Real nice man. And you're gonna open in Boston …

RG:
Yes, I go to Boston this week sometime. I'll be opening the night that we play this [
Jack Paar]
show …

JP:
I'm glad you brought that up.

RG:
Did I? [All
laugh.]

JG:
That's what he's here for, honey.

JP:
Let's try it again! Hey, I hear you're going to open in Boston.

RG:
Yes! [All
laugh.]
It's funny you should ask. Yes, I'm going to play in at Blimstrom's in Boston, yes. Very soon.

JP:
That'll be about the same time this show is playing.

RG:
As a matter of fact … [
all laugh].

JP:
In the picture
Gay Purr-ee,
there is a song called “Musette.” Would you do that?

JG:
[To
Goulet.]
You want to?
[Audience applauds.]

JP:
It's a wonderful ending for us tonight.

JG:
I don't know. Do you think we can remember the words?

RG:
I don't know. It's been so long since I've done it.

JG:
[Purposely ignoring Paar.]
And by the way, are we supposed to sing or anything when we go around to all these places?

RG:
No, no, no. But the thing that irks me is that we have to go to all these places [
laughs]
and theaters.

JG:
What are you going wear?

RG:
I don't know.

JG:
You don't? Are you going to wear a black tie?

RG:
I think I'll wear a black tie.

JG:
Oh, will you?

RG:
Yeah.

JG:
All right.

JP:
[To
audience.]
Do you feel I've lost the ball? [All
laugh.]

RG:
Why don't we sing, Judy?

JG:
[
Laughs.]
Yes …

JP:
Watch yourself at all times!
[Audience applauds.] [Judy sings “Musette” with Robert Goulet.]

JP:
And now a refreshing scene from Menthol Newport Cigarettes! [All
laugh.]

[
Commercial break.]

JP:
[Breathless.]
In many, many years of crazy, wild, informal, unwritten, scriptless teases, this was the most enjoyable night I've ever had. [
Applause.]

JG:
Oh, Jack …

JP:
[Looks at wristwatch.]
We're late! [To
Goulet.]
May you be a big smash at Blimstrom's …

RG:
Thank you, Jack.

JP:
And Judy Garland, I'm indebted to you for coming on this show. I don't even belong in the same
building
with you.

JG:
Oh, don't be
silly,
darling!

JP:
Good night, sweetheart.

JG:
I loved it. I loved every moment.

JP:
Good night!

JG:
Good night!