Julia Justiss (26 page)

“Oh, my dear, selfish as it is of me, I rejoice in your scandal! Were it not for Miss Standish’s knavery, I should never have allowed myself to approach you. And if you wish to attempt a recover, I shall still let our relationship go unacknowledged. But I could not do so without, just this once, seizing the chance to let you know the truth. But here I’m rattling on, when I meant to show you this first.”

Taking Helena’s hand, she led her out of the parlor, down a hall and into a small, elegant sitting room. Gesturing to the portrait of a young man that hung over the mantel, she said, “Your father, Gavin Seagrave.”

Helena felt her breath leave in a rush. But for the
gender of the subject, as she gazed at the man’s snapping dark eyes, curly black hair, tall frame and arrogant tilt of chin, she might almost be looking in a mirror.

It all made sense—perfect, awful sense. Lambarth’s rage, the beatings, his twisted desire to keep her a prisoner he seemed at once to both want and despise.

She turned to Lady Seagrave. “Did Lambarth know?”

“Though he, too, was dark-haired and dark-eyed, he must at least have suspected. Did…did he treat you badly?”

Badly. The small word did not begin to encompass what the man she’d called father had done to her. Curling her damaged hand into its glove, she said simply, “Yes.”

Lady Seagrave closed her eyes, as if receiving a blow. “My dear child, I am so sorry. ’Twas your mother’s darkest torment, to think of you all alone at Lambarth’s mercy. Forgive me! If I had insisted on seeing Diana before she married him, perhaps I could have somehow prevented it.”

Vowing to conceal what she had suffered, Helena took Lady Seagrave’s hand. “With only suspicions, you could have done nothing. Nor should you reproach yourself now.”

Lady Seagrave smiled tremulously. “Thank you, my dear. Knowing the truth, you still have a choice. For all her flightiness, Lillian Darnell is a clever lady. If you wish it, I’m sure she can figure out a way to salvage your reputation. It might be best to maintain the fiction that I am simply an acquaintance who, having weath
ered scandal before, felt sympathy for you tonight. It will be enough for me that
you
know you are my grandchild.”

“I have no intention of letting Aunt Lillian risk any more of her social standing trying to redeem me. I shall leave Darnell House tomorrow as soon as I can pack my things. And if…if you will have me, I should like to stay with you until I decide what to do next.”

“Are you certain?” When Helena nodded, tears brimmed once again in the older woman’s eyes. “Nothing would give me greater pleasure. Why not send a note to Darnell House telling them you will stay the night? Oh, I have so much to tell you!”

C
OMING GROGGILY AWAKE THE NEXT
morning in a strange room, it took Helena a few moments to remember where she was. She’d managed only a few hours of sleep after sitting up nearly until dawn listening to Lady Seagrave describe everything she knew of the love between Diana and Gavin, their reunion after Gavin’s rescue and their life together.

Her parents had wed under local Caribbean law, but to their grief had no more children. Having amassing wealth as a privateer, Gavin settled down after their marriage to become a successful shipper of rum and sugar. Tapping his network of trading partners and some less respectable contacts from his days on the high seas, he had watched and waited for the day the daughter he dare not acknowledge could be freed.

She was still marveling at these revelations when Lady Seagrave entered bearing a tray of hot chocolate.

“Good morning, my dear! I would have let you sleep longer, but you said you wished to be up early.”

“Thank you,” Helena replied, accepting a cup. “But you must be tired, too. You shouldn’t have waited on me.”

“You would have me send a maid? Indeed not! I needed to make sure you were truly here and not just a dream.”

“I am quite real…Grandmama,” Helena said shyly.

Tentatively Lady Seagrave reached out her arms. Helena let the woman enfold her in a hug, then clung to her in a wave of gladness. She was finally free of Lambarth, of the man whose cruelty had caged her spirit much more successfully than his castle walls had imprisoned her body.

Lady Seagrave’s eyes were moist as she released Helena. “So, have you decided yet what you wish to do?”

“Not precisely. I must remove from St. James Square and it would probably be best if I left London.”

“You are sure you do not wish to attempt repairing your reputation? Lillian Darnell can work wonders.”

“No, I’ve seen enough of Society to feel certain I shall get along quite well without it. My only regret is my scandal must cause problems for the Darnell family. Otherwise, I am ready to go elsewhere.”

She couldn’t bear remaining to witness her beloved Adam married to Priscilla Standish, even at the distance of a news item in the
Morning Post.
It hurt too much to imagine him wed to a gloating Priscilla or to envision how living with his bride’s pettiness might slowly stifle his warmth and compassion, until the choice honor dictated narrowed into naught but the bitter fulfillment of duty.

“Should you like to travel?” Lady Seagrave interrupted her dark thoughts.

Helena shrugged listlessly. “Perhaps.”

“If you are certain you wish to acknowledge our connection, would you consider sailing to St. Kitts? There could be no greater joy for my son than to finally meet the daughter he has loved and longed for all these years.”

The Caribbean—far from Adam and the heartache of knowing he could never be hers. Certainly she was curious to know the man her mother had loved, whom she resembled so closely and had just discovered to be her father. Maybe Gavin, who had borne grief and loss himself, could teach her how to endure it. “I believe I should like that.”

“Wonderful! And you will stay with me until arrangements can be made?”

“I will return tomorrow after I have…taken leave of the Darnell family,” she said, those few words barely hinting at the heartache performing them would cause.

“Excellent!” Lady Seagrave cried. “Enjoy your chocolate then, my dear. I shall visit Gavin’s London office immediately to see what can be arranged. Ring if my staff can assist you with anything.”

After agreeing to meet for dinner, Lady Seagrave left. The note Helena had sent to Darnell House the previous night had instructed Nell to bring fresh garments this morning. While she waited for the girl, she would write some additional notes.

To Aunt Lillian, apologizing again for the scandal she’d caused and telling her she would return this
evening after the ladies went out to collect her things. To Lady Jersey, asking that she not hold Helena’s transgressions against the Darnell family. To Mr. Pendenning, saying she would call this afternoon to discuss plans for her future.

But to Adam she would write nothing. Instinctively she knew he would wait for her tonight, that he would not let her depart without seeing her one last time. She both longed for and dreaded that meeting.

Uncertainty might cloud her future, but one fact was blue-sky clear. Now that she knew not a drop of the blood in her veins came from a wretch depraved enough to beat, starve and imprison a child, there was one last thing she meant to do before leaving London.

Though she would not attempt to trick the man whose honor she so admired into breaking his betrothal vows, while Adam Darnell was still unmarried, she was quite prepared to compromise his honor just enough to seduce him. Before she was forced to abandon him to a loveless marriage, she would give him one night of joy in the arms of a woman who loved him completely.

And if time permitted before she returned to Darnell House, she would seek out the courtesan she’d once seen in the park and ask her the best way to pleasure a gentleman.

A
FTER COMPLETING HER ERRANDS
and returning to share a simple dinner with Lady Seagrave, Helena was about to set out on her last, most important mission when Nell came in, announcing that Mr. Dixon had called for her.

Though she had assured Nell and Dickon that Lady Darnell would find them other positions after she left, with a loyalty that warmed Helena, both affirmed they would rather follow their mistress, regardless of where she settled. Far from reluctant to leave the city of his birth, Dickon had expressed a great enthusiasm for visiting the island realm of planters and privateers.

Her thoughts consumed by her approaching rendezvous with Adam, Helena’s first impulse was to tell Nell to send her caller away and proceed immediately to the address in Covent Garden her disapproving maid had charged Dickon to obtain. The courtesan, Dickon had obligingly discovered, would soon be leaving to meet her lover at the opera.

But Mr. Dixon had been her friend from her first Society appearance. His seeking her out after last night’s disgrace could only mean he intended to offer his support. She couldn’t repay his loyalty by avoiding him.

Resigned to postponing the meeting with the courtesan, Helena cheered herself with the reflection that, under the terms of her bargain with Mr. Dixon, perhaps she might ask him a few of the questions she’d intended to address to the pleasure woman.

When Helena entered the parlor moment later, her caller rose and came over to kiss her hand fervently.

“My dear Miss Lambarth! How I regret that a dull dinner engagement at my great-aunt’s prevented me from attending the musicale last night. I should not have left you standing in the middle of the floor, I assure you! I can’t imagine why Darnell was so hen-hearted!”

“Thank you, Mr. Dixon, but you mustn’t think badly of Adam. Knowing he needed to protect the reputations of the ladies of his own family, ’twas I who demanded he leave me and see to them. Then Lady Seagrave offered her help.”

“Did you really hold Blanchard’s friend’s horse outside White’s? ’Od’s blood, I wish I had seen it!”

“Yes, but enough said of that.”

“Indeed, ’twas the talk of the clubs! I can’t imagine another female skilled or intrepid enough to do so.”

“Certainly not a lady,” Helena observed dryly. “Instead of discussing that, may I presume once again upon your friendship and ask some rather indelicate questions?”

His eyes lit and he grinned. “Absolutely!”

Thinking about the strange excitement that had filled her when Adam’s lips touched hers, she said, “What is it about kissing that makes men desire it?”

Though Mr. Dixon reddened, he gamely replied, “Kissing—and other forms of affection that proceed from it—are…profoundly pleasurable. Shall I show you how much?”

Ignoring the offer, she continued, “Were I to kiss you, how could I make the experience…more pleasurable?”

As she waited expectantly, his face turned scarlet. She was about to conclude she had exceeded even his tolerance when at last he said, his voice a throaty rasp, “You could let me draw you close, so that I felt the whole length of your body against mine. Open your lips, so that I might touch your tongue with my own.”

“Doing so would make you want…more?”

His exhaled a gusty breath. “Merely looking at you makes me want more. But if you wish a tutorial on kissing, I am much better at showing than describing.”

“You…want to kiss me?”

“More than I want my next breath.”

Regretting now that her inflammatory questions had obviously ignited his desire, she thought perhaps she owed him a kiss. A goodbye kiss for a faithful friend.

Perhaps a kiss that would show her whether her passion could be aroused by one man only.

“Kiss me, then.”

He moved quickly to take her in his arms. Thankfully he did not try to bind her against him and his lips, though insistent, remained gentle. She found his caress…pleasant, but he engendered no urgent need within her to draw him closer or to open her mouth to his probing.

Unlike Adam. In a rush of sensation, she remembered how he had sparked her to flame with the merest brush of his lips. Made her chest ache with wanting to be encircled in his arms and never let go.

She eased away from Mr. Dixon. Before she could apologize for using him so shamelessly, he dropped down to one knee.

“Marry me, Helena! No man could admire more than I your unconventional, questing mind, your strength, your uninhibited passion. You may ride whatever horse you choose, drive as fast a phaeton as you desire. We can even explore the streets of the city in disguise together! Let Society gossip as it pleases. I shall never forsake you!”

“Please, Mr. Dixon, get up!” she said, dismayed by the direction her inquiry had gone. “You mistake me entirely! I should not have gone out in disguise if I could have explored as I wanted. Nor did I choose a spirited horse just to set Society on its ear. I have never
tried
to incite gossip, but only to live according to my lights.”

“Then let me live with you, protect you, love you.”

Not sure whether it was love, loyalty or a secret desire to tweak Society that had promoted his unexpected declaration, she said, “Mere words cannot express how honored I am. But I cannot accept your offer. I fear, by kissing you, I have already imposed grievously upon your friendship. I never wish to marry.”