Jump When Ready (2 page)

Nikki gazed out at the clouds. “Also, tell him we like
sunny skies.”

Jamie looked at me. “Actually, this weather is kind of
depressing. If it’s okay, we’d like to change it back again.”

All I could do was stare back at him.

Jamie shrugged. “Never mind. We’ll get to that soon. What
Nikki’s trying to say is that you really do have to face what you did. She
could have been more diplomatic, definitely. But, dude, it really was obvious
you committed suicide. Why did you do that?”

Life in
Technicolor

It seemed like Nikki was still kind of pissed off, but not
pissed off enough to go away. She just popped her earbuds in again and turned
her back to us. Which made me start to wonder: If this was some sort of
afterlife, were we allowed to leave this tree? Maybe Nikki just couldn’t get
down. I’d heard of eternal fire but never eternal fir trees. Had we maybe done
something collectively to rile nature? Nothing came to mind, although I guess I
could have been better about recycling.

Either way, I didn’t have any more time to think about it
before Jamie rolled his eyes at Nikki’s turned back and waved me closer. “Let
me explain,” he said, his voice lowered.

I leaned in to hear. “Explain what?”

“The first step,” Jamie said, “involves recognizing that
you’ve moved on and accepting how you Transitioned. We’ve learned that if you
don’t, things remain really crappy. And not just for you. It affects all of
us.”

Once again, I had no idea what he was talking about. “I
didn’t kill myself,” I repeated.

Jamie looked at me, his eyes kind of sad. I tried to
ignore his Cocteau Twins T-shirt. Who were these bands?

“Look,” he said, “sometimes it helps to review things. We
all come in with our defenses. Do you think you can handle it?”

“I guess so.” To be honest, I wasn’t sure I could handle
it since I had no idea what he meant by “review things.”

“Okay, then let’s get started. Go ahead and imagine some
sort of screen. Totally your choice.” Jamie raised his eyebrows toward his
spiky hair and waited.

The first screen that came to mind was my father’s
computer. He had one of those iMac deals with the giant display. Immediately,
the same kind of monitor appeared in the air before us.

“Nice choice,” Jamie said. “Although it’s funny how few
people think of movie screens nowadays.” He lowered his voice and added, “Nikki
still uses a black and white television. Kind of quirky.”

“I like retro, nub,” Nikki said, without turning around.

Nikki’s voice startled me but Jamie just said, “So you
do.” He turned his attention back to me. “Whenever you’re ready.”

Whether I was ready or not, I couldn’t say. I stared at
the blank monitor waiting for something to happen.

“Oh, right,” Jamie said. “Try to imagine seeing something
you need to know about your, well, past life. Sorry, I realize that takes some
getting used to.”

He couldn’t have been more right about getting used to
that idea. At the same time, I was still partly convinced this whole deal was
some sort of prolonged dream or hallucination. “Like maybe who ripped off my
purple hoodie? That’s been bugging me all year.”

Jamie considered for a moment. “I guess you could,
although right now you might want to focus on, um, more important stuff. Maybe
let the screen show you what you need to see first. You can even ask it out
loud.”

I waited to see if he was joking about me talking to the
iMac, but Jamie’s expression remained neutral. And given what I’d experienced
so far, talking to the iMac seemed as good a plan as any. So, I looked at the
iMac and said, “Anything I need to know right now?” The screen came to life
immediately.

I had heard before about how people supposedly experience
their entire lives flashing before their eyes when they died, like some movie
playing incredibly fast. That isn’t exactly what happened. I did see a bunch of
scenes from my life, but they weren’t at warp speed or anything like that.

In one, I was like five. My father and I were in the
driveway messing around with a radio controlled car. I kept driving it at his
feet as he ran away, pretending to be scared, while I laughed my butt off. I
saw one of my birthday parties where I was surrounded by friends and presents,
all smiles with cake on my face. Another showed our family skiing. I was just
learning but my parents kept saying things like, “You’re doing great!” and
“You’re getting it!” I kept flashing this big dopey grin. Stuff like that, all
these happy times with my family.

Then the scenes skipped forward to more recent events.

I’d just walked into the kitchen while my parents were
making dinner. Suddenly, I was pale and skinny, almost as tall as they were. My
hair hung over my face and I was dressed all in black. I looked like a totally
different person.

“Hi honey,” my mother said.

My father looked up from stirring a pot. “We’re making
chili. Hungry?”

I didn’t hear them because of my iPod and just kept
walking. My mother looked at my father and shrugged.

My parents were playing Wii games with my brother and
sister. My father called upstairs, “Henry, why don’t you come down here and
join me and Mom’s team? Bethany and John are killing us.”

“No thanks,” I called back from my bedroom. Nothing more.
I didn’t even explain that I was into the book I was reading. Instead, I just
crossed the room and closed my door.

“What’s up with him?” my father said.

My mother and I were driving in the car. She looked over
at me while I stared out the window watching houses and trees pass by.

“Everything okay?” she asked.

 “Yeah, fine.”

“You’ve been kind of quiet lately.”

I still didn’t turn to face her. I snapped, “I’m just
tired, okay?”

 She got the message. Leave me alone. At the time, I
didn’t see the hurt in her eyes.

More scenes like that followed and I realized I’d been
giving off this totally depressed vibe. I don’t know, maybe I’d just needed a
little space after all those years of being the little kid in the family. That
was definitely part of it. I’d also been a little down at the time too, sort of
on the outside socially at school. It wasn’t like there were any big conflicts
going on—more that I’d just sort of gotten sick of the cliques and all that
trying to fit in. So, I’d been kind of keeping to myself lately, thinking that
high school would probably open some new doors. Still, I’d never intended to
hurt my parents’ feelings or make them worry. But they had been worried, I could
see that now. I felt like crap for doing that to them.

I looked at the screen again to see myself earlier that
same day, getting ready to lie to my brother and sister. See, here’s the deal—I
wasn’t supposed to go to the river alone. That was against the rules for me,
even though Bethany and John could if they wanted to. But John was sixteen and
Bethany seventeen, while I was still only fourteen, so I guess my parents
thought that was fair. Looking back, I realize my parents were right to worry.
Bad things do happen. And lightning can strike the same place twice. In a way,
that was exactly what happened. Two big bolts of lightning, both of them
striking my family. But at the time I thought my death was all they would have
to deal with.

The screen showed John and Bethany, both in the kitchen
where I’d last seen them. He was making a sandwich and she was sitting at the
kitchen table with her laptop, online pretty much like always.

“I’m just going to go ride my bike for a while,” I said.

“Not too far,” John said. “You know the deal.” His eyes
showed that he was laughing at my situation. At sixteen, he’d finally crossed
the milestone for personal freedom in my family. I still had more than a year
to go.

Usually, I’d get pissed off, but I didn’t take the bait.
“Sure, I’ll stay in the neighborhood,” I said.

Bethany stopped typing long enough to shoot me a
sympathetic look. “Sorry, Henry, but you know.”

Sadly, that was the rule my parents had set for me if I
was by myself. My fifteenth birthday was just three months away. In another
year, I’d be driving. But I still couldn’t leave the neighborhood alone on my
bike? I’m guessing you can see the disconnect in logic here. But if they
weren’t going to change the rules, then it was time for me to start making my
own.

“No, it’s cool,” I said. “Is that Will you’re chatting
with? You know the rule.” Kind of a crappy thing to say, considering Bethany
had at least signaled that she got my situation, but I was feeling once again
caught in the spotlight reserved for the youngest sibling.

Bethany sighed, then tried to smile. “Not so much a rule.
More a concern. So maybe get lost?”

“That’s the plan,” I said. “Maybe I’ll stay lost.”

I had no way of knowing those were the last words I’d say
to her while I was alive.

Next, I watched myself ride my bike out of the
neighborhood after promising to do just the opposite. I saw myself walk toward
the river, past all the older teenagers hanging out. But the screen didn’t show
how I’d felt at that moment. The thing is, once I was there I’d suddenly
realized I was still basically a middle school kid trespassing in a total high
school scene. All around me were these packs of kids who totally knew each
other. They were all talking and laughing and shouting back and forth, the guys
checking out the girls and the girls checking out the guys. Then there was me,
someone’s little brother who’d escaped and was suddenly wandering in their
midst.

I guess I could have turned around and gotten on my bike
again. I should have, obviously, but I felt totally self-conscious. So, I kept
trudging along. I didn’t notice that no one else was swimming. The rapids were
really strong that day but I didn’t notice that either. At one point, a guy even
yelled, “Hey, probably not a good idea!”

Everyone who knows the river understands that the rapids
change from day to day. Sometimes they can get really dangerous. All kinds of
elements come into play. Like how hard it might have rained lately, since that
raises the water level. Rocks that are visible one day can disappear beneath
the surface the next. You never really knew, there might even be tree limbs
rushing past after a storm. I don’t know why I pretended that guy wasn’t
calling out to me. Obviously, he was since no one else was in the water. Still,
I just marched right into the river.

As ridiculous as this sounds now (considering that I
died) when I lost my balance and the rapids grabbed me, I tried not to look
like I was freaking out. I told myself everything would be fine. It wasn’t
until a few minutes later, when my foot got stuck between those rocks and the
current started pulling me under, that I panicked. But by then I‘d been swept
far enough downriver that I guess no one could see me.

Either way, you couldn’t tell from watching the screen
that I’d been thinking about turning back before entering the water. The screen
also didn’t show the moment when my foot slipped on moss and I’d gotten stuck
between those rocks, or how I’d struggled below the surface of the water. None
of it. For some reason, all it showed was what people would have seen if they’d
been watching me at the moment when I walked straight out into the rapids. To
see my death from this different perspective changed everything. It seemed so—I
couldn’t think of any other word for it—
deliberate
.

 “Crap,” I said. “That does look really weird. Kind of
like I…”

“Did it on purpose?” Jamie stared at me, his head cocked.
“I have to say, you’re handling this really well. Bravo for staying mellow,
dude. Most people kind of spaz when they see themselves commit suicide. I mean,
it’s kind of hard to watch yourself make like the biggest mistake of all time.”

I lowered my voice so Nikki wouldn’t hear. I didn’t need
any more comments from her. “Okay, I know I kind of said this already, but I
didn’t kill myself. That was a total accident.”

Jamie thought for a moment, then said, “Wow, could have
fooled me. I mean, what kind of idiot would walk right out into the rapids like
that? Oh, sorry.”

I felt my face turning red. “Yeah, I get it. Would it be
safe to guess I can’t fix things now?”

Jamie shot me an apologetic look. “That would be a safe
guess. Sorry.”

“I kind of had that feeling.” I completely surprised
myself by yawning.

Part of me was starting to accept that maybe this wasn’t
a dream, that I really had died that day. I also knew that I should be totally
stressed and confused. But suddenly I just felt completely exhausted.

“You’re kind of checking out,” Jamie said.

I nodded, yawning again. “It seems weird, but yeah.”

“Not weird at all. Transitioning is huge. Why not grab
that hammock and take a break? For however long you need. Don’t worry about
it.”

All things considered, it probably shouldn’t have
surprised me to realize we were no longer sitting in the tree. When that had
happened, I couldn’t say, since I’d been staring at the screen watching scenes
from my life (and death). But there we were at the base of the tree now,
sitting in camping chairs. Sure enough, someone had strung up a hammock that
looked exactly like the one we had at home. When I looked back again, I saw
that the floating iMac was now gone.

“So, you guys sleep out here?” I said. “In the woods?”

Jamie glanced up at the towering tree above. “Don’t worry
about this whole forest deal. Not right now. Just go ahead and crawl in, then
imagine yourself being wherever you’d like.”

It wasn’t like I had any other options that I could see.
I was also having a hard time keeping my eyes open. So, I walked toward the
hammock.

“Get some rest,” Jamie said. “It’s all good.”

I stretched out, looking back one more time to where
Jamie still sat in his camping chair. Then I closed my eyes and let myself
fade, imagining myself going to bed at home. It seemed at least worth a try.
And I could have sworn, as soon as I thought about it, that I felt myself back
in my own bed again. I didn’t open my eyes to see if I might be wrong.

~~~

As it turned out, I did sleep in a bed that first night, in
a room in a house. But it wasn’t my bed and it wasn’t my house. One of the
Rules, I later learned, was that it wasn’t allowed. You could be comfortable in
any way you imagined but you couldn’t be back in your old life. That was over.
You could have soft music, or even loud music. You could watch TV or stay up
and read. You could have all the snacks you wanted (it wasn’t like you were going
to gain weight). You could even have the sound of other people talking quietly
downstairs. But they couldn’t be your people, just people that sounded kind of
like your people.