Junie B. Jones Smells Something Fishy

My name is Junie B. Jones. The B stands for Beatrice. Except I don’t like Beatrice. I just like B and that’s all.

And guess what else?

B rhymes with P. And P stands for pet. And pet reminds me of what happened at my school today.

First, I was sitting at my table doing my work.

Then all of a sudden, my teacher stood up. And she clapped her loud hands together.

Her name is Mrs. She has another name, too. But I just like Mrs. and that’s all.

“Boys and girls! May I have your attention, please?” she said. “I’ve got some very exciting news. Next week is National Pet Week. And to help celebrate our wonderful pets, Room Nine is going to have Pet Day!”

I springed up from my chair real thrilled.

“HURRAY, PEOPLE! HURRAY! HURRAY! WE’RE GOING TO HAVE PET DAY!” I shouted.

My feet skipped all around the room. ’Cause they wanted to spread the news, that’s why!

“PET DAY! WE’RE GOING TO HAVE PET DAY, CHARLOTTE!” I hollered.

“PET DAY! WE’RE GOING TO HAVE PET DAY, JAMAL!”

“PET DAY! WE’RE GOING TO HAVE
PET DAY, YOU MEANIE JIM I HATE!”

Just then, Mrs. grabbed me by my s’penders.

S’penders is the grownup word for the
straps that hold your pants up.

I looked around very worried.

“Yeah, only here’s the problem,” I said. “If you pull off the s’penders—boom—the pants fall down.”

Mrs. did a frown at me.

“Sit…down…right…
now
,” she said real scary.

I did a gulp.

“Will do,” I said.

Then I hurried up back to my seat. And Mrs. went to the front of the room again.

She told us all the rules about Pet Day.

She said that Pet Day will be next Monday. And if you have a cat or a dog, you can
bring in his picture. And Mrs. will hang it on the bulletin board.

“But please, boys and girls…no cats or dogs at school, okay?” she said. “The only animals you can bring to school are pets in cages.”

I springed up again.

“Whew! That was a close one!” I said. “’Cause I have a dog named Tickle! And at first, I thought I could only bring in his picture. But now I will bring him in a dog cage!”

Mrs. shook her head.

“No, Junie B. I’m afraid you didn’t understand. No dogs or cats will be allowed at school at
all.
Not even if you bring them in cages. I’m going to decorate a special bulletin board for all the dog and cat pictures.”

I hanged my head real disappointed.

“Shoot,” I said.

’Cause a dog picture isn’t even fun, that’s why.

Just then, my bestest friend named Grace waved her hand in the air.

“Can I bring my goldfish, Slicky?” she asked. “Is a fishbowl the same thing as a cage?”

Mrs. smiled.

“Yes, Grace. A goldfish will be just fine.”

After that, my other bestest friend named Lucille raised her hand, too.

“Teacher! Guess what I’m going to bring? I’m going to bring a picture of my new pony! And also I am going to wear my expensive new riding outfit! That way, everyone will see how cute I look when I ride!”

Mrs. stared at Lucille a real long time.

“What a treat that will be,” she said finally.

Lucille poked me with her finger.

“I can’t wait for Pet Day! Can you, Junie B.? Just wait till you see how cute I look in my riding boots!” she said.

I didn’t say anything back.

She poked me again.

“Pet Day is going to be fun! Don’t you think? Huh, Junie B.? Don’t you think Pet Day will be fun? Don’t you? Don’t you?”

Just then, I leaned real close to her face.

“Do not poke me one more time, and I
mean
it,” I grouched. “What is so fun about bringing a dog picture? Huh, Lucille? What is so fun about that? Huh? Huh? Huh?”

After that, I put my head on the table.

And I covered up with my arms.

And I didn’t come out till the end of school.

Me and that Grace rode the bus home together.

I did not speak to that girl.

’Cause she kept on being happy about Slicky. And so what kind of crummy attitude is that?

I walked in my house real glum.

Grandma Helen Miller was babysitting my baby brother named Ollie.

“Uh-oh. It looks like someone had a bad day at school,” she said.

I raised my hand very weakish.

“Me, Grandma. It was me. I am the one who had the bad day.”

After that, I gave her a paper from my teacher. It was the rules about Pet Day.

Grandma Miller put Ollie in his swing.

Then me and her sat on the couch. And I waited while she read the paper.

“Oh dear,” she said. “You can’t take Tickle, can you?”

I shook my head real gloomy.

“Not even in a cage,” I said.

I did a sad sigh. “Where’s the justice here, Helen?” I asked.

Grandma smiled very understanding.

Then she gave me a hug.

And she said don’t call her Helen.

“I don’t know what to tell you, sweetie,” she said. “Unless you get another pet before Pet Day, I guess you’re just going to have to accept this.”

My eyes started to cry a teeny bit.

“But Mother and Daddy won’t buy me another pet, Grandma. ’Cause I already asked for a bunny and a goat and a bat and a rat. But they keep on saying no, no, no, no.”

Grandma read the rules again.

“Wait a second here,” she said. “Why didn’t I see this before? It says you can bring a bird.”

I shrugged my shoulders. “Yeah? So?”

“So you can take my
canary
!” she said. “I’ll let you take Twitter!”

I looked and looked at that woman.

Then I patted her hand very nice.
And I whispered a secret in her ear.

“Yeah, only here’s the problem. I hate that dumb bird,” I said.

Grandma Miller looked surprised.

“You
hate
him? You hate Twitter?” she asked.

I showed her my finger.

“He pecked me, Grandma. He pecked my finger, remember that? And I didn’t even do anything to that guy.”

Grandma Miller made squinty eyes at me.

“You put a potato on his head,” she said. “I would have pecked you, too.”

I smiled kind of nervous.

“It was a hat,” I said real soft.

After that, me and Grandma Miller sat there kind of stiffish. And we didn’t talk for lots of minutes.

Finally, I tapped on her.

“Do you have any other pets at your house?” I asked. “Any pets I’m not aware of?”

Grandma Miller laughed a little bit.

“Not unless we catch that crazy old raccoon that keeps breaking into our garbage can every night,” she said.

Then she laughed some more.

And guess what?

I laughed, too!

’Cause that woman is a genius, I tell you!

On Saturday, I got out of bed very thrilled.

Then I runned to the garage.

And I grabbed my daddy’s fishing net.

And I zoomed right into the kitchen.

Mother was eating cereal.

“Mother! Mother! Guess why I have this fishing net! Guess, Mother! Guess! Guess!”

I couldn’t wait for her to guess.

“’CAUSE TODAY’S THE DAY I’M CATCHING THAT CRAZY OLD RACCOON!” I shouted.

Mother closed her eyes.

“No, Junie B. No. We already talked about this, remember? We discussed the raccoon at dinner last night.”

I smiled very happy.

“I already know that! I already know we discussed the raccoon!”

Mother looked confused.

“But Daddy and I said
no
, Junie B.,” she said. “We said you could
not
catch a raccoon. Raccoons have sharp claws and teeth, remember?”

“Yes! Of course I remember! That’s how come I got this net, Mother! See how long the handle is? Now I will be safe from him!”

Mother spelled the word no.

“N-o…no,” she said.

I stamped my foot.

“Y-e-s…yes,” I said back. “I
have
to,
Mother. I have to catch a raccoon for Pet Day. Grandma Miller even
said
I could. And she is the boss of you.”

Just then, a miracle happened.

And it is called
my Grandma Helen Miller walked right in my back door!

Mother looked up.

“Oh look. It’s the boss of me,” she said kind of grouchy.

I runned at my grandma very happy.

“Grandma Miller! Grandma Miller! I am so glad to see you! ’Cause Mother said I can’t catch a raccoon! And so now you have to make her!”