Juniors (24 page)

I look at my mom's hands rubbing my feet, her veins and pores, her sand-colored nails, her turquoise ring, the thin wrinkles at her wrist, the small scratch on the knuckle of her thumb.

We fall asleep on opposite sides of the couch.

EVERYTHING
SEEMS SO SMALL TODA
Y. IT'S WEDNESDAY,
another day in paradise. It shouldn't be this hard. I look out my bedroom window toward Whitney's house, and my mind races with comebacks and insults. Why couldn't she just tell me what was on her mind instead of putting me through a test? Why does she care about me and Will, anyway? We can all be together.

Then there's me—the things I've kept from her. Do I tell her about her dad, the entirety of his help? Do I tell her I'm hurt when I'm left out? Do I make her admit that I
am
different from her other friends and she and I both know it? New problems keep popping up like the heads in Whac-A-Mole at Chuck E. Cheese's. I need to talk to her.

I see Melanie walk out the front door, gabbing on the phone, dressed to go somewhere, probably a club. What's with the clubs—the events? Camping clubs, beach clubs, golf clubs, always something to sequester themselves from whatever they think they need protection from. Ugliness? Chance? Things unforeseen? People not from their club?

“Mom!” I call and walk to the kitchen.

“Yeah?” she calls back from her room.

“I'm going to go to Whitney's.”

She walks out of her room, brushing her wet hair. “Are you okay with everything?”

“Yeah,” I say.

“I'm going to run to the mall with Melanie. She needs a dress for Monday night. I'll look for one for you too, all right?”

It's my mom's premiere, and she needs to help Melanie?

“Whatever,” I say. “Thanks.”

• • •

I knock on Whitney's door, but she doesn't answer, so I go around back. I stop and want to run when I see Will and Lissa on the daybed, but it's too late. They see me. Will's face is close to hers, and he looks at me over her head.

“Hi,” Will says.

“Hi,” I say.

Lissa grins—a flash of teeth, her eyes lit from within, then her face falls back into its prior state of gloom. She's wearing a translucent dress with a bikini underneath. She looks like she's vacationing in Morocco, or like a model in a fashion magazine, in a jaw-dropping place, but still glowering at the camera. She holds her phone up and starts scrolling while sipping a smoothie with a little umbrella in it.

“Do you know Lea?” Will asks.

“I don't think so,” she says, not looking at me.

“I'm in your creative writing class,” I say. “And I paddled.”

“Oh, right,” she says, still focused on the phone.

“This is Ali Lane's daughter,” Will says. “They're staying in the—”

“Oh!” she says, looking up. “I didn't put that together.”

She becomes a different person right before my eyes. I never know what to make of this. When someone doesn't respond to my mom's job, I don't like it, and when someone lights up, I don't like it, either. It's how I feel with name-dropping—I hate when people do it, and yet sometimes, saying my mom is an actress and naming some of the people she's worked with who have gone on to be huge stars gives me a voice, makes people want to talk back. It's not about wanting to be known, to be seen as important, or to be admired. It's just to join a conversation, to be visible, to make people put down their damn phones. Plus, what's worse? The dropper or the person who picks up?

“I am so excited for the premiere Monday!” Lissa says. It's weird to hear that her voice has a range. “I just think it's so good for the economy, and fun to see all the places you know, you know?”

I glance at Will, who's twisting his mouth as if hearing an unpleasant noise.

“And to see the real Hawaii,” she says. “Not all fake and touristy. It's gritty, you know? Real. Like, this is how we live.”

Says the girl drinking from a glass with an umbrella in it, the sun spotlighting her mollusk-colored hair, the surf behind us crashing into the wall of a tropical estate. I don't tell her that the show isn't even depicting Hawaii. Hawaii is a stand-in for some generic island. I imagine the state of Hawaii waiting in the corner until they're ready to shoot the star that's dressed in the exact same clothes.

“Willy, you should ask Ali if we could be extras,” she says, in a decided voice.

“Right, okay, on it.” He looks at me and rolls his eyes. “How's your day going so far?” he asks, then clears his throat because his question came out of the gates as if it's the first thing he's said all day. Whether it's from nervousness or just natural causes, I'm immediately empowered by his voice. I realize I can say anything. I could change this scenery in a snap.

“Great,” I say. “Yours?”

I look at him directly, and he smiles slightly at my confidence, which he may be seeing as flirtation. Maybe it is.

He turns his head to Lissa. “Wonderful,” he says and takes a sip of water. Ice crashes onto his face.

“I can't wait to meet Alex Crane,” Lissa says. She bats her lashes at Will. “Don't worry. I vow to never cheat on you with Alex Crane or anyone else.”

Will and I lock eyes. “Maybe Will should promise the same thing,” I say. He makes a sound—I'm not sure if it's a cough or a laugh—then holds his gaze on me while taking a sip of his drink and chewing the ice. His confidence makes me feel stupidly out of my league, like I am that ice cube, and I could easily be crushed. I add, “He should vow that he'll never cheat on you with Alex Crane.” He sits back, his arm brushing Lissa's.

“You're so funny,” she says, in that horrid way that so many girls say words.
Funny,
I want to say, not
funnay.
She puts her hand on Will's leg. “Hey, did you reserve a cabana?” she asks. “Some of the girls are coming by.”

Though I don't know what she's talking about, I assume she's talking about a cabana by a pool, which makes me think of Melanie—everything has to be paid for—she can't just go the
normal route and sit by a pool. Of course this is who she wants her future daughter to be.

“You want to come with?” Lissa asks me, her face animated. Eyes blinking and expectant.

“Where?” I ask.

“The Wests' coast. Will's hotel. We're not staying the night, but Whitney and her friends have a room.”

The Wests' coast? That is so cheesy.

“Weren't you going anyway?” Will asks.

And there's my heart and my pride, getting into the elevator and hitting the lobby button. Down, down, down they go, descending even farther to underground parking. Whitney told me Friday, but has obviously changed the plan, and I can't help but think it's to spite me.

“I was,” I say.

Lissa gets up and walks toward the living room. “Let's leave in five,” she calls, then goes in.

I walk closer to Will.

“Sorry,” he says. “She came over with her mom and stayed. I didn't know.”

I pretend that I don't need an explanation, but am relieved he doesn't seem to want her here.

“I talked to my mom last night about your dad helping out,” I say. “You don't need to hide it from me anymore. I know you know. I'm sorry for . . . for us. I feel like a burden.”

“You're not,” he says then laughs. “Don't worry. I've been reared for this.”

I sit at the edge of the bed.

“What about Lissa?” I ask. “Are you reared for her too?”

He shakes his head.

“I know you're with her. Just tell me,” I say. “I don't want to look stupid.”

“I miss you,” he says. “Come to the hotel.” He hits my leg with his foot, and I try to hide a smile. My heart gets back in that elevator and goes up. I tell myself to be strong, to not care about him, but as soon as I see him, I'm always a goner.

“Where's Whitney? She's not very happy about us.”

“Don't worry about her,” he says. “Come with me. Have fun.” He looks toward the house. “Lissa won't be there the whole time.”

I pretend to hesitate, but I know I will go.

I SIT BY THE POOL UNDER THE
SHADE OF THE CABANA
,
a part of me excited by Lissa's company and effort to be friends and a part of me guilty. Will gets out of the pool in front of us. It's the first time I've seen him without his shirt. He has a bit of a farmer's tan from golf, and his shorts are pulled up a little high, not like Danny's, whose shorts always ride so low I have to tell him I can see his crack.

Lissa hands him a towel, and I'm glad I didn't do the same. I keep forgetting that she's the girlfriend, or at least thinks she is. Will puts the towel around his neck. “Hey!” he calls.

Nick Sopuch, Ross Love, and Gabby Chun walk toward us on the pathway. Seniors. I'm kind of relieved it's all guys, but then Celeste Baldwin runs up between them, putting her keys in her purse and squealing, “Willy!”, which somehow harkens back to the old days when people would go to the hop. They gather around, loud with greetings.

“How was your trip?” Will says.

“Very nice,” Nick says. “Powpow, sun, all good.”

“Pull up some chairs,” Lissa says.

“How you doing, Lea?” Nick says, and it's strange to hear my name coming from his mouth.

“Good, thanks,” I say.

Gabby tilts his head hello, and Ross leans down for a brief hug, a gesture that makes me feel older and part of it all. Celeste starts chatting with Lissa, and I overhear talk of graduation. I don't know where Whitney is, but I want her to see me, see that I'm here and okay without her. If we're not going to get over it, then I guess I'll show her that I'm moving on.

• • •

It ends up being fun by the pool in the seniors' company, maybe more fun than it would have been with just me and Will. I feel like his friends' presence is a thickening agent, helping us form something that will set. He's being seen with me, or around me.

I also like the big group camaraderie, having never really felt it while I've lived here. Dishes keep being brought out by waiters, and our jokes and laughter make our spot the place to be. Every now and then, Will and I look at each other, or our feet will touch.

• • •

Will walks me up to the hotel room. Now it's just us since all his friends, including Lissa, have gone.

“What if Whitney really doesn't want me here?” I ask.

“She'll be fine,” he says. We get out of the elevator and walk down the hall of the twenty-fourth floor.

“I think she was mad that you and I are hanging out,” I say.

“I don't see why she'd care.”

“I know, right? Did you tell her?” I ask, my voice coy, like I've caught him talking about me.

“No,” he says. “What would I tell?”

“Just kidding,” I say, so lamely.

We walk down the hall, and every time we pass someone who works here, they say, “Aloha.”

“That gets old real quick,” he tells me, and I imagine him running this place one day.

“You don't want to stay here tonight?” I ask.

“God, no,” Will says. “People just get hammered and stupid. I mean, I don't mind that, but it's like . . . this is going to sound pretentious, but it feels like it's at my house, you know?”

“Yeah, I get that,” I say. Your house. Your coast.

“So I don't want a bunch of my sister's friends at my house. I don't want to see random people taking advantage either.”

“But Whitney likes it?” I'm having trouble piecing her together.

“Whitney,” Will says, mulling something over. “Whitney doesn't want to be alone. She always has to be in something. She's expected to throw these parties. Before you came along, she always had to be going at full speed.”

Before I came along. Why does this make me feel like I've abandoned her? Like I've given her the chance to move at a slower speed, to be herself, and without me, she's thoughtless. Will takes my hand and stops in front of suite 2440. He knocks on the door.

“If you want to stay and have fun, that's great,” he says. “Otherwise I'll take you home with me.”

I love the way that sounds. I move to kiss him, lightly, but then the door starts to open, and he drops my hand.

“Oh, hey,” Danny says. The calm I felt disappears, along with last night's thoughts on Danny—how he is this solid thing in
my life. Him being here makes an angry heat shoot through my chest.

Will looks at him coolly. “Hey. Excuse me,” he says, and walks in, where he's greeted by all the girls in the room.

“Guess you forgot to give me the change of date,” I say to Danny.

“I thought Whitney told you,” he says.

“Nope,” I say. “She's apparently done with me.”

“Don't fight with Whitney,” he says, glancing behind him.

“What? Why? Because she'd turn the island against me or something? Turn my best friend against me?” I feel exposed just then, admitting that's who I consider him to be.

“I mean, don't fight,” he says and shrugs. “She does enough of that with her other friends.” I think of Lissa and Mari, using her to get someplace else. I take in the action behind him—Mike Matson is here, along with the usual group of girls and guys. There are seniors here, too, but not Will's friends. More of Danny's crowd.

“Should I try to talk to her?” I ask.

I see her now, head thrown back, laughing at something Mike's saying.

“You should,” he says.

“'Kay,” I say. “I'm not staying, but I'll say hi.”

“Are you going back with Will?” Danny asks. He looks over my head and flexes his jaw.

I shrug and smile.

“He's a player, you know,” Danny says. His eyes look red from salt water.

“Takes one to know one,” I say, but Danny just looks like he
feels sorry for me, and I guess it's an insult that doesn't really ring true.

• • •

I go out to the balcony where Whitney is pouring herself a drink from a pitcher. The ocean glimmers beyond, a bright turquoise, so vivid it almost looks unnatural.

“Oh, hey!” Whitney says in a fake voice. “Nice stalking.” She's wearing a crop top and short shorts, and I see her registering the fact that we dressed so similarly today.

“Stop it,” I say with a firm voice that takes us both by surprise. I close the sliding door behind me.

“Stop what?” she asks, her eyes wide and innocent.

“It,” I say. “All of it.”

She lowers herself onto a recliner, and I sit down right next to her, the sides of our bodies smashed into each other. She scoots away. I move closer, hoping she'll give in and laugh, but instead she stands and leans against the railing.

“Whitney,” I say. “Come on.”

“What?” she says and turns her head. “You think everything is just okay now?”

I look behind me at the scene of the party. Some of the girls are filming one another on their phones. “Yes,” I say. “I think everything is okay. What isn't okay?”

“We've talked about it already. You and Will are not okay.”

“Why not?” I ask.

She doesn't answer, just looks back at me, raising her eyebrows like I should know.

When I came out here, I wanted to resolve this, bury it, but I can't help but defend myself.

“Well, it's not okay that you stuffed me in a closet, where I had to watch some seriously sick shit.” I get up and go to the railing, yet not right next to her.

“Oh, please,” she says. “You just waltz in here and take advantage of me and mess with all of us—”

“Oh my God,” I say, truly appalled and desperate for her to address this seriously. I feel like screaming,
Take it back!
and while I have never uttered these words, even as a kid, I understand why they're said. You're desperate for logic, for sense, and the first step is getting those wrong words erased from the atmosphere.

“How have I
m
essed
with any of you?” I ask, facing her even though she's still looking out to the sea. “I didn't ask to come here.”

“No,” she says. “Your mother did. And she's taking advantage of my dad because he doesn't know what's going on.”

“Can we stop talking about our parents?”

“What else is there?” she says, with a desperate look on her face. “That's what's happening right now. Who's going to be here or there, or where I need to go, or who Will needs to be seen with. It's like a reality show, and I don't care about you, okay?”

She looks unconvinced, not quite at home with her words but still committed to them.

When I'm sad, I know it. When I'm confused, angry, envious, left out, I know it. Whitney doesn't seem to know how to identify her emotions. They're like foreign objects she can't digest.

Voices carry from the pool below, and beyond that the breaks roll in, carrying surfers and canoes.

“Are you sad?” I ask her.

She nods, quickly, and I think this nod got away from her. She wasn't planning on admitting that, but her body had a reflex.

I hear the music from inside.

“I just want to get fucked up,” she says.

“You already are,” I say, angry that she's not working with me. I tried.

I turn to the room and see Will inside, slapping hands with Mike. I walk out, toward her better half.

I close the sliding door behind me, then give Will a look, telling him I'm ready. He reads it perfectly and comes to me. I feel so good leaving with him. I look back and catch Danny's eye as Will and I leave. His face is slack, sad almost, as though he has given up on something he loved.