Junk Miles (13 page)

“
Are you guys going dancing tonight?” I felt a little weird barging in on their conversation, but dancing sounded perfect.

“
We are,” said a pretty red-haired girl with blonde eyebrows. “You’re Professor Blixen’s daughter? Brenna, right? I’m Caroline. This is Lydia and Brian.”

“
Nice to meet you.” Lydia had dark, short hair and a sullen look. Brian was a little pudgy with light brown hair and a nice smile.

“
Do you want us to come and get you? Is eight okay?” Caroline asked.

“
I have to check with my mom, but it should be cool. Thanks.” I did go and check with my mom, and she was overjoyed, of course, so I told them yes.

And then I saw Saxon. He looked at me from across the gallery, where he was surrounded by downlit paintings and blank white wall space. He looked possibly nervous, but also definitely happy to see me. That look on his face made me feel a confusing mix of power and guilt.

“
Some kids invited me to go dancing,” I said when I saw him. “Come with me.”

“
Are you asking me on a date?” He stuck his hands in his pockets.

“
I’m telling you that if you want to do this, you’ll come with me and dance.” I borrowed his usual arrogant tone. “Be at my room at seven thirty.”

I turned on my heel and walked away, and Saxon whistled as I left. That made several guys turn and check me out appreciatively. I didn’t even turn to glare, and I didn’t care if he was disappointed or not.

Soon we were ready to leave, but Mom and I got dropped off a few streets down from our hotel. She wanted to get me something to go dancing in.

“
Something sexy.” Her eyes trained on a storefront window too far for any other human’s eyes. “Something like that.”

And there was a shimmery purple dress which I tried on and thought was way too short and low cut. Mom said I was being a prude, and finally managed to convince me to live a little and actually buy the gorgeous, sexy dress. She also talked me into silver heels and big, dangling silver disc earrings.

We ran back to the hotel, giggling over our purchases. Mom went to her room to nap, and I went to my room to untangle the knot I had tied around my love life.

I checked my watch. It was only five thirty Paris time. That meant it was still the middle of the day at home. I needed to call Jake.

My stomach clenched. I felt the buzz in my veins from before, but now the good energy from it felt worn out and I just felt a dull, draining ache, like I had been exposed to something too strong and very toxic.

I dialed the number and when he said my name, I felt a little queasy.

“
Jake?” I said dully.

“
What’s wrong?” He picked up on my bad vibe immediately.

The silence ticked between us.

“
Brenna.” His voice was heavy. “Just tell me.”

“
I…” How could I start? What could I say?

“
That bad, huh?” I could hear his voice strain. “You can tell me.” He sounded so resigned.

“
I kissed Saxon,” I said robotically.

He swallowed hard. I could actually hear it over the phone line. “Did he pressure you?”

I felt a little offended, inexplicably. “
I
kissed Saxon,” I repeated.

“
Do you, um, have feelings for him?” I could hear the happiness drain from his voice.

“
No.” I pressed my hand to my temples. “Some. Feelings. But not the way he thought. Not the way I thought. I feel…I feel like I messed some things up. And I feel like I had to. Does this make sense?”

“
Well, you’re talking to the king of messing shit up, Bren.” Jake sounded hollowed out. “We had a decent run, right?”

“
Jake, don’t…”

“
Don’t what? I’m not the one sticking my tongue down someone else’s throat.” His voice sounded strangely barbed. Not strangely considering the situation. Just strangely considering that Jake had always been so gentle with me. “It’s a little bit of a shock, but I always did feel like you were out of my league.”

My face was already wet with tears. I sniffled and felt pathetic for doing it. “That’s not it. I felt something for him when we first met, and it’s never gone away. I don’t know what it is, but I feel like I needed to know before you and I…”

“
There is no more you and I,” Jake cut in coldly. I felt like I was drowning, I felt like I couldn’t breathe, and I felt like it was all my fault and there was nothing I could do to stop it or put it back the way it was.“Do you seriously expect me to wait here for you while you screw Saxon?”

I was desperate to explain, but every way I turned the words, they still sounded shallow and terrible. I was still breaking the heart of the only guy I’d ever loved. And I was a little defensive when I realized Jake thought I’d jump into bed with someone so casually. “I’m not screwing anyone. You don’t have to have sex with every person you’re mildly interested in, Jake.”

“
Okay.” His voice sliced across the line. “Just have a little respect for me when I tell you that I’m not at all cool with your little experiment.”

“
I understand that.” Tears slid down my face, and if I could have shaken myself by my own shoulders I would have. What had I done? And why had I done it?

“
I guess I’ll be going.” The voice on the other end of the phone might have been coming from Jake’s mouth, but it wasn’t Jake. My Jake was dead and gone in a split second, so fast I didn’t even have time to catch one last sweet word to hold onto.

“
Um, okay?” I took his ring out of my pocket and put it on the scratched desk in front of me. I felt like my heart was cracking into pieces in my chest. “I just want you to know that I love you. I still do. I have to do this for myself, but I love you.”

“
I hope you’re happy with this, Brenna.” His voice was warmer than I would have expected. “Wow. Today was going really well until this. Whatever. Take care of yourself. I guess I’ll see you around.”

“
Jake…” I said, but there was nothing left to say. I was just afraid to hear the click of our final disconnection. It was all spiraling out of control way too fast. I wanted to stop time, rewind, fix this, solve this, but it was too late! I was left in the ruins without knowing for sure how completely I’d made it all tumble down.

“
Good bye, Brenna,” he said quietly.

And he clicked off.

Chapter Seven

I lay on the bed and shook, sobbing into my pillow. What had I expected? Jake had been surprisingly cool and calm about the whole thing. I had been unfair to him. I hadn’t given him any warning, hadn’t told him enough, and hadn’t been as honest as I should have been. I shouldn’t have done this over the phone. I should have had the respect to tell him what I felt to his face.

What did I hope to gain from this? Did I really think Saxon and I would be boyfriend and girlfriend? Did I even want that? What would happen in a week when I was back home, sitting across from Jake for half the day every day? I knew from the sick clamp in my gut that I had made a huge mistake, one that I couldn’t come back from. I had screwed up with Jake, and he wasn’t going to be understanding.

I thought about the book from my childhood, the evil witch and those scary red eyes. What had I written in my baby scrawl? How had I changed the story? In my babyhood I had understood all of my intentions and changes, but if I looked at it now, what would it be? Just a big mess, I was sure.

Jake and Saxon weren’t a book and a pack of markers. This wasn’t going to end well. I wanted to stay in my bed and let the gaping hole in my chest close up. But I had started this whole thing rolling, and I had to see it out.

I fished in my bag and found the curling iron I packed. Forty minutes later I had on way too much makeup, my hair was big and sexy and my dress was gorgeous and too tight and short. I lay on my bed and rolled Jake’s ring between my fingers.

He wasn’t mine anymore.

He wasn’t thinking of me.

He didn’t care about me.

We were done.

It felt too final. My throat felt clawed at, raw and painful. Dozens of images of me and Jake went through my head, so much loving good. But I knew that behind every good time, there was my feeling that maybe this wasn’t it. Maybe he wasn’t the one. There was the sneaky nagging reminder that my heart leapt when I saw Saxon. And I wanted to know why that happened.

So now I was free to know why. Had I expected it to be pleasant? It hurt. How else could it have worked?

Before I knew it, there was a knock on my door.

I opened it and Saxon was there, wearing a gray button down with the sleeves cuffed to his elbows and dark jeans. He looked really sexy. He smelled really sexy. But my heart wasn’t into it.

“
Have you been crying?” He ducked his head to study my face and, I’m sure, my red-rimmed eyes.

“
No. Come in.” I wiped at my eyes with the back of my hand.

My room was right next to my mother’s, and if it had been any other day, I would have never invited Saxon in. But it wasn’t any other day, and not only did I pull him into the room, I pulled him directly over to the bed. I sat down on it, and he sat next to me. I put my mouth on his. He tasted good, the way I remembered him tasting. He kissed me back, pulled me to him, but after a few seconds, he pulled away.

“
Brenna, what’s wrong?” He cupped my cheek with his hand and rubbed his thumb along my cheekbone.

“
I told Jake.” My voice was watery. It was such a relief to talk about it with someone else.

“
And?” He held my hand gently.

“
We broke up.” My voice shook hard.

“
Are you sure?” Saxon looked a little like he was laughing at me.

“
Yes!” I hated his condescending chuckles. “Why are you asking like that?”

Saxon shook his head and grinned. “Brenna, I don’t think you understand how…crazy Jake’s past is. Do you plan to sleep with me?”

“
No,” I said flatly. I was in no position to even think about that. I knew for sure that no matter how much I was attracted to Saxon, what I felt for him wasn’t love, at least not yet. And that was my only real prerequisite for sex.

“
Jake might be pissed. But he hates me, and he’s going to blame this on me, not you. When this is all over, if you want to kick me to the curb and take Jake back, you’ll be able to convince him.” He rubbed his hands up and down my arms.

“
How could you say that?” I demanded, my voice high and warbly.

“
Because I’ve known Jake his whole life. And I know how he feels about you. I don’t want to build a case for him, but he’s completely crazy about you. And you don’t understand the power you have over guys.” He looked me up and down. “I can’t believe you look the way you do, and I’m sitting here holding your hand while you cry to me about Jake Kelly.”

“
What’s that supposed to mean?” I pulled my hand away.

He caught it again and brought it up to his lips. “Don’t, Brenna.” He kissed my palm softly. “I know you’re sad about Jake. But trust me, it isn’t over if you don’t want it to be. Can I ask, now that you’ve gone this far anyway, if you’ll at least consider taking me seriously? Forget all of our past bullshit, okay? I’ve got less than a handful of days to convince you that I’m not a complete douche bag, and I want a fair shot. Give it to me.”

His eyes had so much gold in them they looked almost brown. He looked so handsome, so sincere, that this time when I kissed him, I really felt it and really meant it. He pressed me to him, kissed me lightly on my jaw and my ears.

He whispered things to me that made me feel shaky. That I was beautiful. That he thought about me all the time. That he loved the way I smelled. That he had never felt happier than he did now.

And since I was already in deep, I let myself get lost in his words. I wound my arms around his neck and opened my mouth and filled myself with the smoky, dangerous taste of Saxon. Before I knew it, he had me back on the bed and was trying to move the straps on my dress down. I could see that crazy, fevered look in his eyes, but I stopped him.

“
Enough.” It was crazy how different this was from what I had with Jake. With him, I was always the one pressing for more, but I was too muddled and Saxon was too eager. It wasn’t comfortable for me.

Saxon backed off, his hands up in the air in an ‘innocent’ gesture. Just then there was a knock at the door.

Caroline was there in a slinky black dress. Lydia scowled in tight jeans and a red halter and Brian looked less dorky in a plain button down with some gel in his hair.

“
Hey, Brenna.” Caroline eyed my dress with one blonde eyebrow high. She smiled appreciatively at Saxon. “Hey Saxon.”

“
Caroline.” He nodded.

Something flashed between them, and once again I felt like the idiot innocent in the middle. Saxon’s past was just as shady as Jake’s, but Saxon didn’t have any of the regrets Jake had, at least on the surface.

Caroline introduced everyone, then the parents came out to take our pictures and warn us to be careful. Mom looked worried, but happy. Me going out with a group of ‘good’ kids in Paris was basically worry free for her, even if I was dressed like a young hooker and we were going to a large, popular dance club.