Just a Girl, Standing in Front of a Boy (12 page)

‘It’s taking the biscuit now,’ Philippa groans.

‘It took the biscuit twenty minutes ago,’ I humph.

‘How long have they been in there?’

‘Must be forty minutes now.’

‘It can no longer be termed as mild flirting.’

‘See, the more I think about it the more I think we messed up tonight.’

‘Why?’

‘We send a six foot five bloke with aspirations to be a comedian and the most attractive man in the universe —’

‘Ahhhh, you love him.’

‘Course I don’t, I’m engaged. I’m just saying that those two were perhaps not the subtlest of distractions.’

‘I didn’t think of that.’

‘Oh, well.’

‘Were they pretty? The girls? I didn’t get a look.’

‘Yes,’ I reply sadly. ‘Pretty and nice looking. One had big boobs. That’s the wine finished,’ I say, shaking the empty wine bottle sadly.

‘I think you should kiss him.’

‘Who?’

‘Who?’ She smirks.

‘I’m getting married.’

‘Yeah, that’s inconvenient. Go and see what’s happened to them, Fan.’

‘You go.’

‘All right.’ She flings open the car door and stalks into the bar with her hands on her hips. She returns after a minute in exactly the same manner.

‘They’ve sat down with them and everything.’

‘No!’

‘Yep, chatting and laughing away, didn’t even see me, and I was quite conspicuous standing there with my hands on my hips, huffing.’

‘Oh, well, at least it softens the blow when she gets the note.’

‘Good point. I’m bored though, I don’t want to sit in a car all night.’

I’m not bored but I am feeling a little miserable at the thought that Joe King might be falling for the girl with big boobs and that it was I who inadvertently match-made them.

‘Why are you looking so sulky?’

‘I’m not.’

‘Where’s your mum tonight?’

‘She said she wasn’t feeling that great.’

‘What’s wrong with her?’

‘She’s fine. She’s just toxic. She got some weed from Damien the Dealer. She says it makes her feel better but she doesn’t want to do anything except stay at home and talk about feelings.’

‘That is so weird.’

‘Tell me about it.’

‘And how is the talking about feelings going?’

‘It’s not. I run away.’

‘Oh, dear.’

‘I know. I’m finding it all a bit late. It might have been nice if she’d asked me how I was feeling all those years ago when Dad was being foul to me.’

I can’t help but feel that I’m not dealing with Mum being here very well. If truth be told I’m not dealing with it at all. I’m trying to pretend it’s not happening. You see, Philippa’s right. It is weird. She’s my mum, she’s family, and she made me. And you’re supposed to know your family, aren’t you? I’m sure most people do. But Mum and I don’t really have a clue who the other is. We haven’t spent any proper length of time together for nearly ten years and I certainly don’t recognise the lady who’s been getting stoned in my lounge. She’s nothing like the woman I grew up with. And I don’t mind her staying and sorting herself out after the whole Dad debacle, but this wanting to hang out with me and telling me she’s proud of me, and asking me how I’m feeling, is freaking me out. Well, not that I’m freaking out as such. I’m not that dramatic, I’m just trying to avoid her, which is much more civilised.

‘Oh, about frigging time.’ Philippa sighs as Al jostles into the driver seat. I don’t say anything to Joe as he climbs into the back seat next to me. I pretend to gaze out the window. It’s good that he’s found someone else. I’m not going to look at him. I’m not going to look at those freckly eyes and that peskily beautiful smile ever again.

‘Oh, sorry!’ exclaims Al. ‘Were we a long time?’

‘What do you think?’ Philippa says belting him in the tummy.

‘Nice girls. Thanks for that. One gave me her number. I haven’t had luck like that for ages. The other one said she’d just started seeing someone, so that must be matey in the Mondeo. We’re a good team, mate.’

‘We are, yeah,’ Joe agrees.

I can’t be sure because I’m staring intently out of the window but I think that Joe King is trying to catch my eye. I’m not going to bite. He can’t chat up girls for half an hour and expect me to turn and smile, can he? Not that I care.

‘What’s that smell?’ Mum asks, standing in the centre of the living room and sniffing.

‘Urgh, dunno. Have you dropped some perfume?’ I ask, my eyes watering slightly.

‘No, it’s not me, love, I thought it might have been you.’

‘God, it’s so bad, I’m considering opening the window.’

‘Yes, I think that might be wise. It’s quite addling on the brain, this strong perfume.’

‘Yeah, but the smell of kebab meat is quite addling on the stomach so we tend not to open the windows. Still, needs must. Here goes…’ I open one of the windows and lean my head out.

‘Oh, good idea,’ Mum says, opening the other window and leaning out of it. ‘Oooh,’ she turns her nose up. ‘I see what you mean.’

‘Ladies, how do I look?’ It’s Al, he’s doing a pirouette to show off his outfit while trying to avoid the lampshade. Black jeans, shirt, and waistcoat.

‘Dapper,’ I say approvingly. ‘Is there a lady involved?’

‘Oh, Al, you haven’t dropped your aftershave, have you?’ Mum asks.

‘What? Have I got quite a lot on?’

‘What, you haven’t dropped any?’ I ask, stunned.

‘You just put some on?’ Mum’s eyes are very wide and slightly watery.

‘Yes. Don’t you like it?’

‘It’s not a case of liking it, Al, it’s a case of diving for air to get away from it,’ I say, gesturing to Mum and me who are leaning out of windows inhaling a kebab shop.

‘Really?’

I jump up, leaving my perch to go and sniff him.

‘Al, Al. She’ll pass out. You need to shower it off.’

‘I can’t. I’ve got to leave. I’m late already to meet them.’

‘Them? How many are you planning to asphyxiate?’

‘Oh, the two girls from the other night and Joe.’

‘Joe?’ I ask, casually, or at least
aim
to ask casually.

‘Yeah. I really like him. Nice guy.’

‘Like a little cosy foursome?’

‘Yeah, well, you see, the other one, she’s splitting up with the guy she’s been seeing tonight. Turns out he had a lady. Can’t imagine how she found out about it.’ Al winks at me. ‘So Gemma felt that she’d be out with me and she’d feel bad that Felicity would be on her own and might be upset. So she said why didn’t I invite Joe and then she could invite Felicity to come after she’s done the break up.’

‘Felicity.’

So he’s fallen for Felicity. Felicity King. Joe and Felicity.

‘What’s up with you? I thought you’d be pleased the mission was accomplished.’

‘Oh, I am. I’m thrilled. Over the moon. Beside myself. Al, I really can’t breathe when you stand close to me.’

‘Sorry, Fan.’

‘Wow. She’s dumping him now.’

‘Yes. Good work.’

‘And you, musketeer.’

Al nods bashfully. ‘Wish me luck,’ he says.

I stand on tiptoes and pucker my lips, indicating I want to give him a kiss on the cheek. He bends down for me, so I can.

‘You don’t need luck, she’d be a fool not to snap you up,’ I whisper in his ear.

‘Aha, but she might be a fool.’

‘You like her, don’t you?’

‘I do, yeah.’

‘So go get her.’

Mum and I stand and see Al off on his hot date. Mum tries to link her arm through mine, but I step away and pretend to check that Al closed the door behind him. I suddenly have a horrible thought, well it shouldn’t be horrible, but it is. What if Al tells Joe King that I’m engaged. I stand with my back to my mother and I ask her a question. It comes out of my mouth before I can stop it.

‘Do you believe in love at first sight?’

Love at first sight? What am I saying? Of course she doesn’t. No one does. It only happens in books.

‘Yes,’ she answers.

I spin round.

‘Did you know as soon as you met Dad?’

‘Oh, God, no,’ she chokes. ‘Not Jack. Someone else. Someone before Jack.’

‘Oh, what happened?’

‘I lost him.’

‘Oh, no. Did he die?’ I ask carefully.

‘No,’ she laughs sadly. ‘I literally lost him. I had one weekend at the Reading Festival with him and I lost him on the last afternoon. I’d gone to meet my friend to see this folk band. But it poured with rain, stormy it was, and I lost my bearings and couldn’t find where we’d arranged to meet until it was too late.’

Woah. I don’t know what is odder, the fact Mum went to the Reading Festival and pulled some bloke or the fact that we are talking intimately and I’m not running away. I want to ask her more about it. But something stops me. As if reading my thoughts she carries on.

‘He was lovely. Lawrence was his name. That’s all I knew about him. Oh and that he was from London. Big place London to search for someone called Lawrence. I didn’t even know what he did. That seems ridiculous, doesn’t it? Nowadays we always say, “What do you do?” But then, that weekend, he told me about his dreams. And he made me laugh. Oh, God, he made me laugh. He talked gibberish for hours, like you on that Tiddlesbury Tour you and Philippa do. Seems funny really, you’d never lose someone now. Not with mobiles and Facebook and the Internet. Anyway I think… I think it took me about a minute to fall in love with him.’

She’s started to cry. She’s still looking at me, but there are tears falling down her cheeks. All I can do is watch her. Perhaps I should go and hug her, but that would be such a strange thing to do now so I don’t, but I do contemplate it and somehow that feels like something. Although what exactly, I’m not sure.

‘Maybe it wasn’t meant to be,’ I say gently instead.

She shrugs and half smiles. It’s one of the most intimate moments we’ve shared for years.

‘Jenny, please let me say a few words about you leaving home…’

And now she’s just gone and ruined it. I sigh and stomp off. But Mum’s taken over my room so I can’t flee there. I’ll have to stomp into the toilet. Urgh, it reeks of aftershave! I slam the door. Damn, I left my book out there. There’s no way I’m going back out there with my mother. It’s not safe.

‘Al?’ I peek my head round his door.

‘Urgh,’ he groans into his pillow.

It was evidently a good night, he’s opted to vegetate in bed rather than stand in our cluttered kitchen concocting treats.

I look at him sleeping like a baby and I feel a little leap inside of love for him. Al is the kindest man. The times he’s hugged me while I cried. And when I pass out on the sofa after a big night, he’ll remove the plate of toast that’s under my head, take off my shoes, wrap me in a duvet, leave a pint of water nearby and put my phone on charge. And he was oh so lovely in bed. It was well over a year ago, now, that I was slipping into his bed. But really it was all I could do not to stay in it all the time. But it was just a casual thing, caused because our heating broke down during that unbelievably freezing period last February. On the Saturday morning we were both in our separate beds and I texted him.

And he texted back

So I pegged it into his bed. We watched a movie.
The Lost Boys
. Afterwards we lay snuggled together, deciding what to watch next. That’s when I felt it. I thought it might be the remote control at first, but when I saw the remote control lying on his bedside chest of drawers I knew it was his, you know, big erect doo dah.

‘Is that…?’ I whispered.

‘Yes,’ he whispered back. ‘Sorry.’

I wondered whether something in the film had got him going, but ruled it out. Al is eccentric but I doubted even he’d get a stiffy from
The Lost Boys
. As we lay there, I found that I liked the thought that he had an erection. I was flattered and excited and I loved Al, I trusted him with my life, in addition to all this I hadn’t had sex for fifteen billion years. And as I lay there pondering all this I noticed that I could hear our two hearts beating.

‘Al,’ I whispered. ‘Do you think if we…?’

‘Um…’

‘Would it be…?’

‘Hmm. Um.’

So once that was sorted, we turned to each other and began kissing. And that’s how it happened.

‘Al,’ I call again.

‘Urgh,’ comes the same reply.

‘That’s no way to talk to your favourite lady friend and flatmate,’ I say, climbing into his bed with him.

‘Urgh,’ he turns over, pulling the duvet over his head.

‘Al?’ I pull the duvet away from his head.

‘What?’

Excellent. A whole word. He’s finally waking up.

‘Morning,’ I sing.

‘What is this?’

Three words! Although his eyes are still closed.

‘It’s me having some quality time with my flatmate. Al, man, you still reek.’

‘Fan.’ He swallows. He raises his eyebrows and slowly opens one eye.

I place my smiling face in its line of vision. ‘So how did it go?’ I say.

‘What?’

‘The frigging date,’ I exclaim. ‘Men,’ I mutter. ‘So different. A different species.’

‘Oh, it was good,’ he says, closing the one eye.

‘Good?’

‘Hmmm.’

‘You give me one word, and that one word is good.’

‘Hmm. It was good.’

‘Al, have you got an erection?’

‘No.’

‘What’s that hard thing?’

‘The remote control probably.’

‘Oh, so it is. So tell me. Are you in love with Gemma? Is Joe King smitten with Felicity?’

‘Oh, yeah, they got on well. She’s quite funny.’

‘Funny?’

‘Yeah, nice boobs.’

‘Funny with nice boobs,’ I say sadly.

‘Yeah, and she’d just dumped that bloke and she still had a sense of humour, so we thought that was a good sign.’

‘You thought it was a good sign. So you had a little blokes’ chat with Joe after?’

‘Yeah, I called him after to discuss how we’d play it next time.’

‘Next time?’

‘Yeah, you know, whether we should do something the four of us or, you know, go out as couples. See, I’m getting on well with Gemma. But I am a bit of a twat when I’m nervous.’

‘No you’re not. You’re lovely.’

He opens his eyes.

‘A bit of a twat,’ I concur. ‘But a lovely twat.’

‘Thanks, Fan.’

‘Soooo.’

‘So what?’

‘Oh, Jesus. What did Joe King say about future dating with frigging Felicity.’

‘She’s really nice, no need to say it like that. You’d get on with her.’

‘I’m sure we’ll be great friends. So what did he say about her?’

‘Oh, you know, just that she’s a nice girl, attractive.’

‘Did he say attractive?’

‘I can’t remember. Fit. Maybe.’

‘Fit.’

‘Or gorgeous, or something.’

‘Gorgeous!’

‘Fan?’

‘What?’

‘Do you fancy Joe?’

‘No. Hardly. As if.’

‘Oh, because I got the impression he liked you. He was asking all sorts of questions about you.’

‘Was he? Like what?’

‘Just, you know, how I met you, how long we’d lived together, what you did and liked and stuff. He was definitely interested in you, Fan, a man can tell. When I told him about you and Matt getting married he went really quiet. Anyway, good we split Felicity and that letch up, eh.’

‘Yeah, brilliant.’

I don’t know why I feel like crying when I know it’s for the best. What is wrong with me? Matt’s back tonight and I feel as though the bottom of my world has collapsed now that Joe King has found out I’m engaged.