Just A Woman (The Porter Trilogy Book 2) (7 page)

When I let her go and she looked up at me, her bottom lip was caught firmly in her teeth as she gnawed away, deciding if she would join me or not. Although it felt like it took her a year to answer, a few moments later she nodded her head and refocused her gaze on the person waiting behind me. I stepped away from her, immediately feeling the loss of her heat and her love, and it almost made my knees crumble.

I walked to the back of the church and exited through the doors to get some much needed air into my lungs. I was finally going to get the opportunity to tell her how sorry I was, face to face, and the realization scared the shit out of me. I found Bracks in the parking lot and told him the plan. It took every ounce of my self-control not to wipe the smirk off of his arrogant face. He knew, as much as I knew, that I had fucked up, and he was going to enjoy watching me squirm. She deserved the apology, that was indisputable, but apologizing still made me uncomfortable, no matter how much it was warranted. Leaning up against the sedan, I waited for her to emerge, and finally, after weeks of waiting, walk back into my life.

Alex

If I had thought that my appearance at her father’s funeral, coupled with my heartfelt card and my sheer diligence would have made Charlotte fall into my arms, then I would have been dead wrong. When she exited the church half an hour later, her eyes were puffy and red and she looked ragged and defeated. It killed me to not run to her and take her into my arms and console her. I wanted nothing more than to replace her tragedy stricken face with one of love and passion, but right now was not the time, and I didn’t want to push her too soon or too fast.

She wearily walked up to me and gave me a small smile. “Thanks for coming Alex, I really do appreciate it,” she said, her voice soft, and breaking throughout. It ripped me to pieces.

I nodded at her, unsure of what to say to that. I had never been good with grief, especially someone else's. “Would you like a ride to the cafe with Bracks and me?” I asked, hoping she would say yes, but not wanting to ambush her. She had to make her own decision, no matter how I felt, or what I wanted at the time.

She looked ready to argue, a small flicker of life behind her tired eyes; a spark I had not seen in weeks. Something I had not realized I had missed. When you think of missing someone, you rarely think of missing someone’s attitude or fire, but I knew in that moment that it was one of the things I missed the most about Charlotte. I could tell that all she wanted to do was snap at me and tell me that she could, in fact, drive herself, but, all too soon, the fire went out, and she bowed her head. “Yeah, sure, thank you,” she mumbled.

I clenched and unclenched my fists several times to relieve the pressure around my heart and reduce the anger coursing through me. The anger not directed at her, but at the loss of that something within Charlotte that made her who she was. I wanted to hug her and I wanted to throttle her at the same time. That fire in her was what attracted me to her from the beginning, and I couldn’t bear to watch her give up and fall apart. I understood the need to grieve but she couldn’t lose what made her her.

The ride to the cafe was tense, and even though her presence calmed me, warmth I had not felt in a few weeks, mine didn’t seem to have the same effect on her. I watched as she continued to wring her hands in her lap and stare out the window at nothing in particular. I had never wanted the power of mind reading more than I did in that moment. Was she thinking about me? Or was she thinking about her father and his funeral? I decided to attempt a conversation to see if I could pull her from her musings to interact with me.

“You look beautiful, Charlotte,” I said, watching as she turned around in her seat to face me. I watched as her cheeks flamed when she caught my eye, before she lowered her head and whispered her words of thanks, turning her back to me again to look out the window.

My anger grew again and I worked hard to get it under control. The last thing I needed to do was to get angry with her, because I wasn’t mad at her. I was disappointed she had let herself get so low that even a small compliment could make her blush, and I was disappointed that she seemed to have lost the luminescent aura around her. The beautiful white light that radiated on her skin was gone, replaced with an almost sickly gray tint. Her eyes were not a bright emerald anymore, but the color of a dirty pond. 

Looking at her more closely, I could tell she hadn’t been taking very good care of herself. She looked pale and clammy. I didn’t like what I was seeing, but reprimanding her didn’t seem to be the right way to go. I could wait patiently for her to forgive me, but I wasn’t going to see her neglect herself in the process. She needed to take care of herself. She needed to thrive. I was going to have to recruit Rachel if Charlotte wouldn’t listen to me.

When we pulled up to the cafe a few minutes later, she stepped out of the car and held her face up to the warm sun, a smirk highlighting her lips and another blush surfacing just below her skin. The color did wonders for her overall look and I smiled inwardly. She was a California girl through and through and I loved her so much in that moment.

I placed my hand at the small of her back to guide her into the waiting coffee shop before I realized what I had done. The familiar pull and electricity that sparked between us shot through my fingers and down to my groin. I stifled my groan just in time to hear her vocalize her own. I watched as her entire body shivered and then tensed up under my touch. The shudder that ran through her creeped up my own arm, sending waves of delight through my body, but I hated the way she froze afterwards. It sent an icy chill through me, freezing through my own heated lust.

I pulled away slightly when she stopped in her tracks, not wanting to scare her away when I was inches away from my first real conversation with her. My first real chance to voice my sincere apologies. It took her a few moments to gather herself, but I watched as her spine straightened and her chin rose high before she marched away, leaving me in the doorframe of the cafe, mouth agape at the sudden change in demeanor.

I wasn’t far behind when she picked a table near the window and sat down to gaze out at people walking by. She looked almost childlike, with the exception that her nose wasn’t pressed up against the glass. The sun reflected in and hit the glass, illuminating around her, her red hair sparkling in its’ intensity. I stood for a moment, awe struck. Even sick, she looked stunning, and I couldn’t pry my eyes away.

I shook off the thought and approached her carefully, not wanting to disturb her from her people watching. She seemed to be lost in a moment that I didn’t want to intrude on.

“What can I get you, Charlotte? Would you like something to eat?” I asked quietly. 

She looked up at me and smiled. It wasn’t the Charlotte smile I was used to, but it was a good start, especially over the silence I had been enduring over the past four weeks, and the car ride over. The smile warmed my insides almost as much as the California sun outside would have. I felt another piece of my heart glue itself back together. Her smile told me things would be ok, although her eyes still held a healthy level of fear and disappointment.

“Anything you get is fine, Alex, thank you,” she said dismissively, turning around to peer back outside, one of her fingers intertwining with a loose curl framing her face. I stared at her for a moment longer before making my way over to the counter. I ordered my normal coffee and a Frappuccino for Charlotte. I also included an apple strudel and a banana nut muffin to the order so she could have her pick. I paid the woman at the counter, ignoring the flirtatious way she tried to grab my attention, my focus and gaze resting firmly on my redheaded daydreamer by the window.

When our order was finished, I easily carried it over to where an unmoving Charlotte was still sitting, and lowered myself into the opposite booth bench, placing the coffee in front of her and the breakfast pastries in the middle of the table, for her to choose.

“Take your pick, Charlotte,” I said, motioning to the two treats.

“Thank you, Alex,” she mumbled, looking at both options before selecting the muffin and pulling it to her. She looked hesitant at first before plucking off a piece of the muffin top and popping it into her mouth. Her eyes closed and she let out a sigh as if this was the first food she had eaten in weeks. She reminded me of a man lost in the desert, stumbling upon water for the first time in days.

She chewed slowly, her eyes still shut, savoring the flavor before swallowing it down. Her neck muscles moved elegantly and I couldn’t help the lust shooting through me, down to my ever rising erection. I needed to focus on something else or I would be entering dangerous territory that Charlotte wasn’t ready to face.

I grabbed the strudel and brought it toward my side of the table. Picking it up between my fingers, I took a bite out of the juicy fruit pastry and found it to be quite delicious. I sat it back down and smiled that my diversion tactic worked and that I could feel myself going limp inside of my pants. Feeling unsatisfied at my lust, I took a deep breath and decided it was now or never to talk to her.

“Charlotte,” I said, making her look up from her muffin and meet my gaze, “Can we talk about things?” I didn’t want to rush her, no matter how much I just wanted to get it all out in the open. I wouldn’t force her, we would do this in her time. I watched as her eyes went from hesitant, to sad, and then remarkably went to steel, closing down around her, protecting her from me. Blocking me out.

“What do you want, Alex?” She defiantly asked, crossing her arms in front of her chest, erecting more walls around her mind and her heart.

I was struck dumb at her sudden change of demeanor. It was almost as if she suddenly realized she was in my presence and the guards inside her head raised the drawbridge around her, effectively shielding from her. The thought enraged me and my hard on was officially a long ago thought. I didn’t want her closing down on me, I needed her to remain open and willing. I needed her to listen.

“Charlotte, please don’t shut me out,” I said through gritted teeth. Keeping it together was going to be harder than I had imagined. “I want to talk to you about what happened and let you know that I so damn am sorry for not coming clean sooner.”

I watched as she took in my words, although they didn’t seem to be having any kind of impact on her. I shouldn’t have expected any less from her. Her fire may have been outwardly doused with the passing of her father, but deep down it was still alive and kicking.

“I don’t think I am ready for this, Alex, you can’t imagine the betrayal I feel. It’s too hard,” she stated, her challenging eyes never leaving mine.

“I know, Charlotte, I know. And I can’t express the amount of regret I feel, but you know we have something. I love you, Charlotte. You know I do. I think I may have loved you from the moment you stepped into my office, but I was a damn fool. I should have said something to you when I realized that the story you told me was one I already knew. You have to believe me that I had no idea that it was you until you started telling me.” I huffed out a breath and kept going. I needed to be completely honest with her. She focused back on her muffin, while I completed my purging.

“I should have come for you sooner, and honestly I did try. I don’t know if you received my messages. I tried texting and calling, and even came by your apartment, but Danny wouldn’t let me in, but I should have tried harder. When I found out about your father I just wanted to hold you and console you and make you feel better and then I found out---” I had to stop talking. I wasn’t sure about the foul play on her father’s car, and I didn’t want to scare her any further than she already was.

At the break in my speech, Charlotte looked up and peered at me. “You found out what, Alex?” she asked, suspicion clouding her beautiful emerald eyes.

“Nothing, Charlotte. Forget it.” I took another bite of the strudel to stop myself from spilling something I wasn’t even sure about. When I looked up at her a few moments later, her eyes had darkened considerably and I was pretty sure I could see smoke coming out of her ears. “It’s nothing for you to concern yourself over, Charlotte.” I said around a mouthful of strudel, trying to get her off this line of questioning. I should have known better.

Apparently I’d said the wrong words to her, because the little rubber band that was keeping her temper in check snapped. She climbed out of the booth and stood over me, arms crossed over her shoulders, strands of curls that escaped her bun falling over her face and down her nape, a renewed inferno raging around her.

“You listen to me, Alex Porter. Lying to me and keeping me in the dark is what got you into this mess in the first place, and until you can learn to stop hiding the truth from me, I can’t even contemplate reconciling with you, even as friends.” She grabbed her purse from the booth and tugged it on her shoulder before turning back to me. “When you can stop lying and finally be honest with me, you know where I’ll be.”

I watched as she stomped out onto the sidewalk, almost colliding with Bracks. Although I couldn’t hear her, her gestures and movements indicated she was giving him a piece of her mind as well. She must have assumed that Bracks knew everything I did. When he pointed at the car and she shook her head, I almost got out of my seat and told her not to be stupid. We were miles from the church and she didn’t need to be walking by herself.

Eventually, it looked as if she gave in, as he opened the door for her and she stepped in, pulling it closed behind her. Before he got in the driver’s seat, I watched him pull his phone out of his pocket and dial someone. My own phone vibrated a second later.

“Bracks.”

“I’m taking her back to her car at the church and then I’ll come back for you, sir.” He spoke low into the phone.

“That’s fine, thank you for taking care of her, Bracks.”

“Not a problem, boss.” I listened as he hung up and watched him climb into the driver’s seat. When the car was completely out of visibility, I turned back to the table to finish my strudel and coffee. I was instantly irritated all over again when I realized Charlotte hadn’t touched her coffee and only ate a quarter of the muffin. She wasn’t taking care of herself, and I would be damned if I let her get sick because of me.