Just Add Heat (20 page)

“Ugh. Oh my god.” I
reached down to grab my foot and started hopping on my left leg. “Ouch, ouch,
ouch.” I was trying to pant through my pain using the Lamaze trick I had
mastered over the years of being clumsy but it wasn’t helping. I felt Carter’s
hands on my upper arms where he grabbed on to steady me.

“Hang on.
Let’s go into the kitchen where we can get some better light.” He held on to me
as he walked us both to the kitchen and flipped on the overhead lights. I
plopped down on my usual stool and swung my foot up onto the other one. He
stood over me and surveyed the damage. It didn’t escape my notice that even
though he was bothered by something that I may or may not have done, he was
taking the time to care for my injury. He was too good for regular people.

“How bad
is it?” I hated the sight of blood and my own made me sickest of all. From the
amount of burning I was imagining the row of stitches I would be subjected to
shortly. Luckily, I knew my toe was just stubbed, I had broken a toe before and
the pain was entirely different.

“She
didn’t break the skin.”

“
What?
” There was no way I could be feeling like this with no open
wound. It didn’t seem possible. I turned my foot so that I could see for myself
and realized that Carter was right. There wasn’t even one drop of blood. I was
relieved but incredulous. That much pain and her claws hadn’t even broken the
surface? Poor Carter must be in agony with the damage to his head.

I looked
up to see him giving me the “I told you she was deadly” look. I managed to
refrain from physically rolling my eyes at him, but that didn’t stop me from
doing it mentally.

“How’s
your head?” I wasn’t sure if he was talking to me yet so I figured I would play
it safe and ask after his health.

“Okay.
How’s yours?” For a moment I had forgotten that I had a head injury.

I gave him a smile. “I’m
feeling pretty good.” Well, I had been up until he became miffed at me for some
reason. “Are you talking to me now?” He looked at me with a mixture of sadness
and anger, or maybe it was hurt. I wasn’t sure because I didn’t know the cause.
I frantically tried to remember what I could have done to hurt his feelings. I
had nothing. Was this about the cat? Was he angry that I gave in to my mother?
But no, he was still okay before I went to take my bath, and he was weird when
I came out. Maybe this wasn’t about me after all. I felt a faint hint of
relief.

“I was never
not
talking to you.”

“Yes, I could tell
because of all the scintillating conversation since I’ve gotten out of the
tub.” I didn’t resort to sarcasm very often, either. What was happening to me?
I was becoming totally unrecognizable to myself. My head started to hurt.
Great, all I needed now was a headache.

He just
shook his head and stood there. I took a moment to really look at him. He
looked tired. And beaten down. He hadn’t looked like that earlier and I was
sure of that.

“Damn it,
Carter. What is wrong? Just tell me. What did I do?”

He looked
at me for about ten seconds without saying anything. I wasn’t entirely sure if
he planned to answer me at all, but then he spoke, breaking the awkward
silence.

“What’s so
wrong with me?” Huh?

“What do
you mean?” I knew I must look completely baffled because I didn’t know what he
could possibly be talking about.

“What is
wrong with me?” He spoke the words slower and stronger this time. I felt I was
still missing something. I shook my head mutely. I didn’t know what he was
looking for so I wasn’t saying anything.

He was too good looking
maybe, but I was pretty sure he was expecting me to say something else. He was
probably too nice, but maybe that was just with me while I was recuperating.
Geez, I couldn’t think of anything
really
wrong with him at all. Well, the Star Wars room was a little weird, but we’re
obviously both a little freaky. Was this some kind of trick question?

“Do you
still have a problem with my age?”

Where was he pulling this
out of? I shook my head again. I hadn’t given his age much of a thought today
besides the few minutes when Cheryl had been here. Wait a minute, he was asking
me if
I
had a problem? So this
was
about me or something I had said.
But what? I hadn’t said a thing about having a problem with him. As far as I
was concerned the day had only gotten better.

“
What did I do?
If you are upset about something spill it, I’m not
going to play a guessing game with you.” Now I was feeling defensive. I got
mean when I was on the defense, kind of like a coyote in a trap.

“I just got off of the
phone with Elisa. Now everything is clear to me. I am
never
going to be what…” I could see that he was deciding whether
to tell me whatever it was that had him aggrieved. He opted to keep me in the
dark. “Nothing. It’s nothing. Forget it. Let’s go finish the movie.”

“Are you for real? Do you
think I’m just going to go watch TV with you without you telling me what’s
happened? This is Cheryl’s rehearsal dinner all over. When are you going to
understand that you don’t have to keep things from me? I’m a big girl. I can
handle a little anger, especially if I deserve it.”

“You
remember Cheryl’s rehearsal dinner?”

“Well duh, you spent the
whole time ignoring me because you were mad that I was joking about being your
sugar mama. You didn’t even bother to tell me why you were angry until we were
at home. It’s pretty messed up when your own mother calls you an ass. It almost
ruined Cheryl’s party. You might be a mind reader but I’m not, Carter. You have
to tell me what’s bothering you or how can I fix it?” I suddenly realized that
I did indeed remember the party as well as the whole night that followed. It
hadn’t been our first fight, but it had been our biggest. He had been extremely
hurt believing I didn’t take him seriously.

“Oh. Yeah,
I remember.” After everything that had transpired today, another memory popping
into my head was feeling old-hat. I gave him a small smile but he didn’t return
it. “What? Does this have something to do with Cheryl’s party?”

“No. It doesn’t have
anything to do with anything. I’m sorry; this is just an off night for me.” Now
he pasted on a half smile and reached out a hand to me. It was like he suddenly
got over whatever was bothering him and he was his old self. I was still a few
paces behind him.

“Dang it. You just got me
all riled up and now you’re fine? How are you able to go from hot to cold in an
instant? How can we spend the rest of our lives together when you can’t even
tell me what’s bothering you at any given time? This is my life, too. Don’t
bottle things up. Don’t be such a
man
.”
Whoa. Did I just say all that? I could suddenly remember having this same
conversation with him rehearsal dinner night, but that night I hadn’t mentioned
spending the rest of our lives together. I was remembering some other things as
well, and suddenly, like a plug popping out of a dam, memories started flooding
back. The most important thing that popped into my mind though, was a very
enlightening conversation I had had. I also remembered who Elisa was.

“Sorry, but I
am
a man. You’re right though, I’ll try
to be more open.” He must have seen a change on my face because he started
looking at me with concerned eyes. “What is it?”

I only answered with a
shake of my head. I wasn’t ready to process what my mind just gave me back. I
was pretty sure I had just had my breakthrough and instead of feeling relief,
all I felt was dismay.

Chapter Twenty One

My mind
was flooded with everything I’d been trying so hard to remember. It was
different than I’d thought it would be. I wasn’t having a “bingo” moment; it
was more like dozing off and being woken in a strange place and not knowing
where you were. In those first few seconds everything comes back to you and you
lose that sense of confusion.

Carter was still looking
at me strangely. Oh my god. My poor, sweet Carter. I reached over and grabbed
him into a hug. It felt good to hold onto him knowing how important he was to
me. I didn’t realize how empty I had felt until this moment. How the hell could
I have forgotten
Carter
?

I was about to share my
wonderful news with him, but when I pulled back to speak, I remembered
something else. I remembered the big hunk of emerald surrounded by diamonds
that I found in Carter’s underwear drawer. Holy smokes! How the heck could I
have forgotten that gorgeous, panic inducing ring? Suddenly the events of
Friday came back to me as clear as a bell. Cheryl roping me into a shopping
trip, Elisa calling and telling me that Carter was going to propose, then tearing
up the house looking for the ring.
Oh.
My. God
.

I pressed my face back
against Carter; I suddenly didn’t want to tell him I remembered everything. He
was sure to quiz me on Friday and I didn’t know what to tell him. If I told him
the truth he would be both upset and disappointed by both the ruined surprise and
my reaction to it. Plus, that meant he would ask me to marry him very soon.

And I did I want to spend
the rest of my life with him. There really was no question in my mind that he
was it for me. The problem was marriage itself. I had no idea what the hell a
good marriage looked like. I had grown up in a home in which marriage wasn’t
something that I was exposed to. I really hadn’t had that many more examples of
wedded bliss from my friends’ families either. My childhood best friend Allison
was shuttled between her mother and father, so spending the night at her house
didn’t give me the feeling of family. When Gloria and I moved from
Houston
to
Waco
when I was fifteen, my best friend Jennifer was the product of a “broken” home
as well. I hadn’t really spent any time around a normal married couple until
college, joining Cheryl for dinners and the occasional beach vacation with
Sharon and Robert. And Carter.

My heart started pounding
when I realized what he would be expecting from marriage. Except for being a
terrible cook,
Sharon
seemed like Martha Stewart’s long lost twin. Carter grew up in a stable and
stylish home and I grew up with a strangely selfish hippie wannabe. I was no
Sharon
—I knew I never
could be. All my distress started building back up; I knew I wasn’t equipped
for a life like that.

Carter
grabbed my shoulders and pulled me off of his chest.

“What’s
the matter? Your heart is pounding like a rabbit. Jesus, you’re white as a
sheet. Take a breath and tell me what’s wrong with you.”

I pulled
air into my lungs and forced my face into a smile. My heart was still beating
like I was on a treadmill, but I managed to pull my thoughts together. I was
conflicted on my next actions. I wanted to tell Carter the truth, at least that
way he could stop worrying about me, but I needed time. I made a split second
decision to keep this new development to myself. It was the only thing I could
think to do.

“Nothing’s
the matter. It’s just been a long day and I started feeling a panic attack
coming on, but I’m okay now. Thanks.” I fell back on my old foe, the panic
attack. I had really been doing better lately; I hadn’t had one in forever.
Well, except for the hospital, but that was a special circumstance. I felt
guilty about my lie when Carter started rubbing slow circles on my upper back.

“It’ll be okay, love.
Just breathe, I’m here with you. Do you need a cool cloth?” I closed my eyes
and let him pull me close in a comforting hug. I was evil and didn’t deserve
his nurturing treatment. What kind of cow would keep something
this
big from the most important person
in her life?

“I’m fine now. Really.” I
took one last deep sniff of his chest before I pulled back again. My head felt
heavy and my temples were throbbing. Oh right, I had a huge knot on my skull.
“I’m just going to take some aspririn.” I walked a few steps to the cabinet
where we kept the medicines and pulled out the bottle of tablets. When I lined
up the arrows and popped the top off the pills shot out of the bottle and all
over the counter and the floor. “Dang it.”

I bent
down and started to sweep the pills together with my hand before Carter
squatted down beside me, stilling my fingers with his own.

“Stop and tell me what’s
wrong. Please.” He was looking at me imploringly, a look that got me every
time. I wanted to spill my guts and rush him like a football player. I felt
like I’d just gotten my life back and I wanted to celebrate, but the need to
hide out from reality just a little bit longer was too strong to deny. I had to
process everything that was swimming in my brain.

“I promise
I’m okay. I just have a headache and my foot still stings. Do you mind if I go
lie down for a little while?” I could see that he wanted to say something else
but he took his hand back and started picking up the dropped pills.