Just Another Girl (22 page)

I call home and tell Mom the whole story. Well, not the whole story. I tell her that Lily is here, her nice pink cast is on, and she'll be waking up soon.

“Oh, dear. Should I come and get you girls?”

I consider this. On one hand, it doesn't seem too much to expect our own father, the man who is somewhat responsible for Lily's broken arm, to drive us home. On the other hand, I'm so mad at him and his stupid wife right now, I'm not sure I can keep my words in check.

“No,” I finally say. “Dad's already here. He might as well bring us home.”

“Okay.”

Lily is still a little dopey when they wheel her out to Dad's car, but at least she's in fairly good spirits. And she seems happy to see Dad.

“Where's Nelson?” she asks.

“In bed by now,” Dad says as he buckles her into the backseat. He's actually being really careful with her. “How are you feeling, Lily?”

“I feel good,” she tells him. “I like my cast.”

“It sure is pink,” I say.

“Pretty pink.”

I sit in front with Dad. And I'm beginning to feel guilty for
having such hard feelings toward him. Really, this isn't his fault. Although I do think Jana should take some of the blame. Then I realize, no, she's letting him take it for her. In fact, Dad is pretty much caught in the middle here. Kind of like I am. Or was. I'm still determined to get out of my trap. Dad, on the other hand, may be stuck in his trap for some time.

“I'm sorry about your arm,” Dad tells Lily as we both help her into the house. Her legs are still a little wobbly from the sedative. But if we can get her safely in, she should sleep well tonight. “I hope it gets better soon.”

“So I can play with Nelson.”

There's a long pause. Then Dad says, “Yes. Nelson would like that.”

Of course, Dad and I both know that Jana might not feel the same way. But that's Dad's problem at the moment.

Finally we have Lily settled in her bed, and Dad says good night and leaves. Then Mom comes in and asks Lily how she's doing.

“I fell down,” Lily mutters sleepily.

“I know.” Mom leans down and kisses her forehead. “I'm sorry about your arm, Lily.”

“That's okay.” Lily's expression is serious. “It's pink.”

Then Mom leaves, and I finish tucking Lily in. Finally I say, “Good night, Princess Lily with the pretty pink cast.” Lily smiles and closes her eyes. She's still in her clothes, but there is no way I'll force her into pajamas or teethbrushing tonight. We both deserve a break.

19

I find Mom in the family room. She is pacing back and forth with a deep crease between her brows.

“Are you okay?”

She stops and nods, then sits down on the sofa. “Just thinking.”

“About?”

“Oh, you know . . . everything. Lily, you, Rose, your dad. It seems like everything is a mess, Aster. And I can't help but think it's partly my fault.”

I consider this and think,
Yeah, it has to be partly your fault
. Of course, I don't say this. I mean, Mom has made great strides lately. Why should I kick her when she's down?

“The thing is, I've blamed your dad, Aster. For years I have blamed him for everything.”

“Well, he did leave you, Mom. You can certainly blame him for that. Right?”

She doesn't answer.

“I mean, it was his choice to go, you didn't force him,” I say.
“And then this whole deal of not paying child support. You can blame him for that too.”

“I was thinking even farther back, Aster.”

“What?”

“Well, the truth is, I've been angry at your dad ever since Lily was born.” She looks directly at me now. “There. I've said it.”

“Why?”

“I blamed him for Lily's condition.”

“You blamed him?” Now, this doesn't compute. How could Dad be responsible? Her condition is not even a genetic thing, not that you can blame anyone for the DNA they toss to an unborn child.

“I went into labor around midnight, but he didn't want to take me to the hospital too soon.”

I nod.

“We didn't have good insurance. And with both you and Rose, I'd had long labors, and those hours add up. So your dad thought we should wait until my water broke.”

“Don't lots of people do that?”

“Yes. But even so, I had a bad feeling about not going in, and I told him so.”

“But he still didn't want to go?”

“He said it'd be better to wait. Then we could have Mrs. Stein from next door come over and stay with you girls. Otherwise, we'd have to wake you up and take you.”

“I remember Mrs. Stein. She was nice.”

Mom nods, but I can tell her mind is still on that night. “So
we stayed home, and I kept having contractions. At about six my water broke, your dad called Mrs. Stein, and we headed for the hospital. Of course, by the time we got there and I was in the delivery room and hooked up to the monitor, almost an hour had gone by. Something was wrong, but the baby's head was already crowning, and the doctor wanted her out fast. He did a forceps delivery, and when Lily came out she was blue.”

Now I recall what I read about the flattened umbilical cord and no oxygen getting to the baby. “So if you'd gone to the hospital sooner . . . Lily might've been okay?”

“Yes, that's what I believed. And so I blamed your father for Lily's brain damage.”

“Oh . . .”

“I never told anyone about this before, Aster. I mean, about blaming him. I didn't even tell your father . . . well, not in so many words. But he knew. I hinted at it. And I was angry. And I know I made him miserable. But I was miserable. Life was miserable.”

I go over and sit next to my mom on the sofa. I put an arm around her shoulders. And I realize that I'm crying. I don't know what to say. Maybe words don't matter. Then she hugs me, and we both cry a little, then pull away, suddenly uncomfortable with all this emotion and closeness.

I go into the kitchen and get us both tissues, then sit back down. “You know, Mom, I was blaming Dad for Lily's arm tonight. I was thinking, ‘Crud, Dad, I take care of Lily for her
whole life and she never breaks a single bone, and you have her for a few hours and the next thing we know she's in the hospital. Nice work.' ”

Mom sort of smiles at this.

“But then as we were coming home, I realized that I need to forgive him.”

Mom sighs. “Maybe so . . . but how is that possible?”

“In my case, it's going to take some help from God,” I admit. “But he's the one who says we need to forgive. So I'm thinking he ought to be able to help me with it.”

She just nods.

“And I'm sure if you asked him, Mom, he'd help you too.”

“I'll be keeping that in mind, Aster. Let me know how it goes for you, okay?” Then she gets up and yawns. “Now I'm heading for bed.” She pauses. “Oh yeah, the guidance counselor from your school called me at work today.”

“Ms. Grieves called you at work?” I'm astounded. “Why?”

Mom smiles. “She said you're very smart. And I told her I was aware of that.”

“She called just to tell you I'm smart?”

“No, she called to ask me to encourage you to take these scholarship opportunities seriously, Aster. She says you have an excellent chance for something really good.”

“What does that mean?”

“It means that she wants you to come to that meeting tomorrow.”

“Huh?”

“For Branford University.”

“Oh yeah. I remember.”

“I told her that I'd heard Branford was pretty expensive. And then she told me something, Aster. Something you never mentioned.”

“What?”

“Your SAT scores.”

I just shrug.

“She said you received the highest in the school.”

Okay, this is news to me. “Seriously?”

“And not just for this year, Aster. She said the highest ever.”

Now I'm stunned. “Why didn't anyone tell me this?”

Mom laughs. “I guess they assumed that you were so smart you must know it.”

I just shake my head. “I had no idea.”

“Well, do us all a favor and go to that meeting tomorrow. It seems that the recruiters from Branford are seriously scouting you.”

“What about Lily? She won't be going to the rec center tomorrow, will she?”

Mom frowns now. “Well, Lily is my responsibility. I'll think of something.”

Suddenly I remember George and his offer to help me. He said to just call. “I have a friend,” I tell Mom. “And Lily actually likes him.”

“Him?”

“He's a nice Christian guy and very responsible. He's actually helping Pastor Geoff with youth group.”

Mom considers this. “I don't know about a guy. Do you really trust him, Aster?”

I nod firmly. “I do. And the meeting will probably be only an hour or two. In fact, maybe George could drop me off and take Lily to the library.”

“Perfect!” Mom seems sold.

Perfect
, I'm thinking, but only if George is available and willing. If not, well, maybe it's just God's way of saying that some expensive private college isn't what I need.

Still, as I get ready for bed I think about my SAT scores. I had no idea they were that high. Oh, I knew they were good. But the highest in the school—ever? That's pretty mind-blowing.

After I'm in bed, I ask God to help me forgive my dad. But even as I say this, I realize that I already have. I also realize that God's been helping me with a lot of things all along. And so I thank him. From the bottom of my heart, I thank him.

20

“I can't think of anything I'd rather do than drop you off at a recruitment meeting for Branford,” George says after I call him the next morning. “I think you'd really like it there. Not that I'm biased or anything.”

“And Lily? You don't mind taking her to the library?”

“Not at all. I happen to have a great fondness for libraries.”

Then I explain about her arm. “But she's feeling lots better today. And she's very proud of her pretty pink cast.”

“We'll go show it off.”

Shortly after I call George, my phone rings, and when I see that it's Owen, I'm tempted to let it go to voicemail. Then I think I should just get this over with. Besides, I'm glad to know the truth about him. Despite my wounded pride, I feel I have dodged a bullet.

“How's Lily?” he asks after we've said hello.

I give him a quick lowdown.

“That's good to hear.” He pauses. “So how about you and
me, Aster? Are we still good? Katie was acting a little weird last night. Like maybe you told her something about us?”

“No, not really. I just had to leave for Lily's sake.”

“Oh, good.”

“And I sort of need to get going.”

“What's up?”

I tell him about the recruitment meeting.

“Branford?” He chuckles. “Are you serious? Do you know how much their tuition is, Aster?”

“Not specifically.”

“Well, that's where Wayne went last year.” He laughs even louder. “Trust me, their tuition is pretty steep. My dad is still complaining about it.”

“Oh.” I'm so tempted to tell Owen about my SAT scores and that Branford is actually scouting me. But I think,
Why bother?

“Seriously, Aster, you'd just be wasting your time.”

“Well, it's my time to waste.”

“Hey, if you have time to waste, why not waste it with me? We could drive out to the lake and—”

“No thanks.”

“Maybe later then?”

“I'm going to cut to the chase, Owen. I'm just not interested, okay?”

“Not interested in what?”

“In dating you.”

There's a long silence.

“Sorry to be so blunt,” I say. “But I thought you should know.”

“And now that you mention it, Aster, I was going to tell you that this whole thing with your retarded sister . . . well, that's just not going to work for me.”

“Yeah, I'm not that surprised.”

And then, without even saying good-bye, I hear a loud click. Owen hung up on me. Why does that not surprise me?

And why hadn't I paid more attention to the signals earlier on? And why hadn't I believed what Crystal told me? Probably because I didn't want to. Owen represented independence to me—and yet being with Owen turned into a different kind of bondage.