Just Breathe Again (12 page)

  “What’s wrong, baby? Are you tired?” Jeannie asked, as Lydia stayed in bed with the covers over her head. She had planned on helping her mom hand out the candy to the neighborhood kids. That was not going to happen.

  “I’m tired, Mom, and sad.”

  “I know, Lydia. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to. Is your head bothering you?”

  “Yes, it’s hurting, and I have a lot of pressure. My eyes are killing me and my left eye is getting blurry. I’m scared, Mom”

  “Is the pain getting unbearable?” asked Jeannie, shuddering at the thought of what was coming. The day was warm, and the house was open letting in a nice breeze.

 “I don’t know, my head is hurting bad. Leave me alone. I’m sick of your questions,” she yelled. Her hands went to her head and she pressed her palms against her temples, rolled over, and stared at the wall.

   Jeannie didn’t say anther word, got up, and called the hospice office. Snapping at Jeannie was something she hadn’t done before. She called hospice to discuss with them what was happening.

 Hooty came right over and had a look at Lydia. She explained to Jeannie that Lydia was entering another stage in her disease.      

  “Her prognosis is shorter than anyone anticipated. It’s why she yelled at ya’.  It wasn’t Lydia talkin’ it was that tumor talkin’. She is gettin’ closer to movin’ on, Miss Jeannie. Her breathin’ is changin’ and she is not awake much. People let go when they are ready. This is her time, so tell her everything you need to tell her. Tell her how much you love her, and we will keep her comfortable. She is ready to move on to see her Daddy and move to another life. She is ready, Miss Jeannie,” said Hooty. Jeannie could do nothing but hold on to Hooty and cry. 

  A week later, the day Lydia’s condition worsened, Hooty came right away again without any questions. She walked downstairs and noticed Lydia was in a lot of pain. They promised her she wouldn’t have pain, but Hooty didn’t want to start morphine until it was necessary.

  “Hey, baby girl. Hooty be here. Tell me what’s wrong,” she said, walking over to Lydia and sitting on the bed.

  With as much strength as she could bare, she told Hooty what was hurting. 

  “My head hurts worse than ever and my left eye hurts me and it’s hard to open. I’m so dizzy, and I’m afraid,” she whispered. Tears streamed down her face through her closed eyes.

  “How bad is the pain, suga’?” Hooty asked, taking her hand and holding it in her lap.

  “Fifty,” said Lydia, keeping her eyes closed. Hooty kissed her fingers.

  “Okay. You know what your options are, right?” asked Hooty.

  “Uh huh,” said Lydia.

  Last week they discussed how morphine would work, and the box with Lydia. She was aware of everything. 

  “You know what you want to do, baby doll?” asked Hooty. She had so much experience with patients she knew when to intervene and when they could still make their own decisions.

  Keeping her eyes closed and barely getting out a whisper she told Hooty what she wanted. “I want the medicine and my rosaries, please.”

  “Okay, we’ll give you pain medicine and the medicine will make you sleep a lot, but baby, the pain will be gone. Is there anything else?” she asked.

   Hooty handed her the rosaries that sat on the table next to her bed and Lydia held them against her.          

 “I want my mom. Can you have her and Michael come her?”

  “Whatever you want, baby.” Hooty stood up and walked over to where Jeannie was sleeping. She woke her up and told her what was happening. Michael was upstairs and Jeannie ran upstairs to get him. They both came over to Lydia and sat next to her on the bed.

  “I wanted to say bye. I …love you. I’m going and we will wait for… both of you to get there.  I love you so much,” said Lydia.

  Jeannie was crying as she clutched her daughter’s hand and listened to her say goodbye forever. Michael laid his head on his sister’s shoulder and she tried to reach up and pat his head. He cried and held her other hand.

  “Lydia, you are the best sister in the world. I love you too. Tell Daddy I miss him and …” Michael couldn’t get any more out. He was too upset to say anything else. His body shook as the reality of losing his sister took over.

  “Lydia, you rest. I love you more than you’ll ever know. You are the best daughter a mom could have. I will be right here with you. I love you so much.”

  As she held onto her mother with as much strength as she could muster, she whispered to her. “Be happy.” Through tear filled eyes, Jeannie looked up at Hooty who motioned for her to get up once Lydia was asleep. Marsha had walked downstairs when she heard Michael crying, in bed with his sister.

  “Jeannie, come with me to get medicine out of my car. Marsha, can you sit with Lydia for a few minutes?” asked Hooty. Once they were outside, Hooty stopped and faced Jeannie.

  “Baby, we have to move on now. The pain is getting too bad for our girl, and her breathing is slowin’.” She is sleepin’ all the time and her body is gettin’ cool,” said Hooty.

  Jeannie said nothing, but turned away and kept walking. 

  “You hear me? We have to start the morphine. I’ll call the office and we will have the morphine started. Now, I need you to be strong for me, you hear?”

  Strong? Lydia was strong. Jeannie was a wimp. The day she dreaded most was happening and there was nothing in the world she could do to stop it.  The horror was coming whether she wanted it or not. 

 Jeannie’s legs gave out, and she fell to the ground. The grass was still wet, cold, and hard from the morning. It didn’t matter to her. She wanted to die with her daughter. Hooty rushed to her side to help pick her up off the ground.

  Hooty grabbed Jeannie and held her close. “Listen to me. You have to believe the good Lord has a plan for you and Lydia. He don’t do nothin’ out of meanness or because someone done somethin’ wrong. He does it because it’s in his plan. It’s Lydia’s time. She’s ready, Miss Jeannie, and she is tellin’ you in her own way.”

 “No, I don’t want to hear that. Everyone tells you to pray, pray, pray. That’s what I’ve done my whole life, and look what happened. I don’t want to hear any more about a loving God and that this is his plan for me. I need more time with her. She’s leaving me too soon,” yelled Jeannie. 

  “Right now, you don’t want to hear what I’m saying. Look at your daughter. She has faith that can move mountains. A faith I’ve not seen in anyone young or old. Faith is what holds her together and helps her face the worst thing anyone could have to face. She’s the one dyin’ at sixteen and she still has faith and prays.  She understands God needs her and her life is to be played out like this,” said Hooty. 

  “Hooty, don’t take her from me yet. I can’t bear to see her die,” screamed Jeannie. Her face, distorted and her body shook. Marsha must have heard her screaming and came out to the driveway with her and Hooty.

 “What’s wrong, Hooty?” Marsha asked, trying to help pick up her best friend.

 “It’s time for the box, Miss Marsha. We have to start Miss Lydia on the morphine. Her time is comin faster than we wanted it to,” said Hooty.

  “Oh God, no. I can’t breathe. Oh God. Why can’t you stop this? ” screamed Jeannie. She looked up at Marsha. Her face was unrecognizable covered in sadness and despair. She rocked back and forth grabbing at her clothes trying to make the reality go away.

     “Jeannie, listen to me. She needs to have the medicine. We promised her we would not let her suffer. She can’t have pain. Lydia’s getting disorientated, and she’s sleeping constantly. She needs peace and we have to help her through this next part of her journey,” said Marsha. Marsha was on the ground now holding and rocking her once again like she did in the hospital.

  Jeannie screamed and pulled at her hair and the grass, still rocking back and forth. 

  “I want Vince. Why can’t he be here with me? Dear God, I can’t handle this,” she screamed.

  “Jeannie, if this keeps up I’ll have to have her transported to our hospice facility. You cannot be carrin’ on like this. She needs you to hold yourself together. You have to stop this! You hear what Hooty is sayin’ to you? I don’t want to take her out of here. If I have to, I will for her sake,” said Hooty.

  Marsha agreed. “Jeannie, I love you to death, but I have to agree with Hooty. You have to get yourself together.”

 “You know I gave birth to her. I gave her life. I’m not prepared to see her life leave. I’m supposed to be with her on her first date, her prom, and her wedding. She won’t be able to have a baby or love a man or go to college. This is so unfair. Why? Why?” yelled Jeannie.

  Grabbing her arms and trying to hold her still so she would not hurt herself, Hooty told her,      

   “You have to look at it like this. God gave you this angel for a short time. She was a gift to you from him ‘cuz he loved you. He knew when he gave you Miss Lydia the time would be a short one. She was sent down here to be with you while you made it through the horrible time with your husband. God knew you needed her, and now, he needs her back, Miss Jeannie. He loves you so much he done gave this angel to love and take care of even though the time hasn’t been long enough,” said Hooty. Marsha wiped the tears from her eyes.

  “You have to take comfort in knowin’ she’ll be with you, and one day, all of you will be together again. I know it. I have seen too many miracles at death. People almost passed seein’ loved ones and talkin’ to them. Like givin’ birth to Miss Lydia was a miracle, bein’ with her while she passes to the other side is goin’ to be a miracle, too. She needs to be at peace when she goes. She needs to not be in pain so she can transition to the other side peacefully. It’s inevitable, Miss Jeannie. It’s happenin’ faster than any of us thought. Now we have to get our butts back down there and give Miss Lydia her morphine and be with her through this like strong women. She’s the lucky one, don’t you know? Soon all her sufferin’ will be over and she will be in the glorious arms of Jesus. You ready?” asked Hooty.

  Jeannie sat there and looked up at Hooty. With tears still dripping down her red cheeks, she nodded. 

  Marsha helped Jeannie up from the wet lawn. Her legs couldn’t hold her at first and she collapsed again. As if to give up, Jeannie sat there and didn’t move. Hooty grabbed her and pulled her to her bosom.

  “You can do this, baby. I know you can. I won’t leave you. Hooty be right here till she passes, you hear me?”

  Jeannie nodded. Once they had her up and moving, they walked back into the house. Marsha made coffee and Jeannie noticed she wiped a tear from her eye as she looked at Lydia lying in bed.

 Hooty came up to Lydia with medicine and a dropper. This was the beginning of the end. The medicine of death was going into her body. Nothing she could do at that moment would stop her daughter from leaving her. No miracle was coming to take over and make her daughter well again. Her pain and suffering would soon be over once Hooty placed that medicine in her mouth. Just a drop she put on Lydia’s tongue. Jeannie could not stand to watch. She had to look away.

  “Lydia, baby. Open your mouth for Hooty. This is going to take your pain away.” Hooty whispered into Lydia’s ear. Lydia, though her eyes were closed, opened her mouth. The dying process had begun, and it became too much to bear. Lydia seemed to relax. Marsha called Steven, told him what was happening, and he came over. Michael, Jeannie and Steven laid in the bed with her, and Hooty left for home with instructions on what to do. Jeannie made sure she was the one administering the morphine throughout the day. She stayed up all night, watching her daughter sleep, knowing what the drugs were doing to her. When Lydia would wake up and move around Jeannie gave her more medicine. The next day, Hooty arrived again extra early to be with them as much as she was able.

  “How you holdin’ up?” she asked.  She sat down on the couch next to Jeannie and rubbed her hand. 

  “What do you think, Hooty? My daughter said goodbye to me yesterday. Not a goodbye like she’s going to college, or moving to another state, it was a goodbye, I’m dying. You started giving her medicine that would shut down her body and end her life,” said Jeannie. She began crying and put her head on Hooty’s shoulder. Reaching up to stroke her head, Hooty knew the parents and caregivers needed as much help as the dying patient. This was always harder on them.  

  “She’s getting worse, you know?” said Hooty, still stroking Jeannie’s head. 

  Jeannie shook her head yes. Michael came down the steps.    

 “Hey, Mom and Hooty.  How’s Lydia?” he asked, trying to be quiet so he would not wake her. He knew she had to sleep, and waking her wasn’t good.

  “Come here, pumpkin,” said Jeannie.

  “Lydia is in pain today. She needs to sleep,” said Hooty. She adored Michael and had a soft spot for his constant questions. 

  “Are you hungry?” asked Jeannie. She lost over twenty pounds since she found out Lydia was sick.  She couldn’t eat, and didn’t care to eat. Marsha would force feed her in order for her not to pass out. 

  “Yeah. I’m going to go upstairs. I smell something up there Marsha is cooking,” he answered.

  Marsha was cooking something that smelled delicious throughout the house. He did run over to Lydia and kissed her on the cheek like he did every day when he came home from school.  It would melt anyone’s heart to see the love he had for his ailing sister. 

  As he was about to walk upstairs to eat, he looked back over at Lydia. She had her eyes open staring at the corner of the room mumbling something.

  “Mom, something is wrong with Lydia,” he said.

  Jeannie and Hooty both jumped up off the couch. They looked over at Lydia and she was mumbling to someone. She lifted her arm and pointed to the corner of the room. 

  Hooty saw this before, but Jeannie didn’t know what was occurring.

  “What’s wrong with her, Hooty?” she asked, walking over to her to try to calm her.

  “She’s talking to someone on the other side, Jeannie. I have seen this before. They see what we don’t see. Someone is with her and making her transition a little easier. She might be seein her daddy or her guardian angel,” said Hooty, looking on in awe. It was a miraculous experience to see a patient talk to someone on the other side.