Just Friends With Benefits (32 page)

From the edge of the water, I shook the sand off of my body. Corky and Paul were back by our spot on the beach and I could still hear Paul’s obnoxious cackle at my expense. I walked past a young boy making sand castles and when I glanced over at his parents, the man asked “You okay?”

Nodding, I said, “I’ll live.” Then I sat in the sand next to the boy and, pointing at his bucket, said, “Would you mind if I borrow this for two minutes?” I looked up at his parents and said, “I promise to give it right back.” Glancing in the direction of Paul and Corky, I added, “I just need to do something really quick.”

The little boy reluctantly handed over his bucket and I could feel him follow me with his eyes as I walked back toward the ocean, filled the bucket with salty water and then added several scoops of sand. As I passed his parents on my return trip, I put two fingers to my lips, pointed at Paul and Corky whose chairs were facing the opposite direction and continued walking, the little boy shadowing me the entire time.

When I reached our spot, I stood silently behind Paul and Corky until Hope looked up at me from her issue of
Glamour
and joked, “How was the water?”

I splashed the entire bucket of mud across Paul and Corky’s backs and said, “Very refreshing.”

I returned the now-empty bucket to the little boy and mouthed, “Thank you” to his giggling parents, who gave me the thumbs up sign. Reclining in my beach chair, I closed my eyes with a smile and ignored the two morons who jumped out of their chairs and ran toward the water to wipe off the grime.

~ * ~

About an hour later, I was on my fifth or sixth Corona, I had lost count.

Jess stood up and pulled one of her bathing suit straps away from her skin, revealing the contrast of bright red against milky white. “Holy crap. If I stay out here any longer, the folks from Red Lobster might come after me to use as catch of the day. I’m heading in.”

“I’ll go with you,” Hope said. “Too much sun for my Irish skin.”

My arms and legs felt heavy. In fact, my entire body felt like it was trapped under one of those lead aprons used to protect against radiation exposure during x-rays at the dentist’s office. I closed my eyes and fell asleep. When I opened them and lifted my head after what only felt like a few minutes, I was alone with Hille.

He smiled at me and asked, “Sweet dreams?”

“I’m not sure actually. I feel a bit woozy.”

Hille grabbed a water bottle from the cooler and handed it to me. “Here. You’re probably dehydrated.”

After I drank about half of the water bottle in one gulp, I said, “Thanks. I can’t believe I fell asleep. I usually can’t sleep out in the sun. It’s too hot.”

“Probably the beer helped.”

“Probably,” I agreed. I watched Hille, who was sitting on his towel with his knees pulled towards his chest, staring straight ahead towards the ocean.

He must have sensed me looking at him, because he turned toward me and asked, “What are you thinking?”

I was too exhausted to lie. “I was just thinking about the night I met Paul.”

Hille nodded. “I remember that night. At The Longpost. If I recall, he impressed you with his rendition of Blind Melon’s ‘No Rain’.”

“Actually, it was ‘Cotton-Eye Joe,’ but you were close!” I wondered if the night brought back painful memories since it was the night I chose Paul.

“You’re right. I must be thinking about a different girl!”

“Yeah. Paul was some ladies’ man,” I said sarcastically.

“Girls always seem to fall for his charm,” he said with a laugh.

I bit my cuticles and contemplated my next statement. “Confession?”

Hille turned to look at me. “You have a confession to make?”

“Yeah.” I was slightly nauseous and wasn’t sure if it was from too many beers on an empty stomach or the knowledge that what I was about to admit might change everything.

Hille looked at me quizzically. “Confess away.”

“The night I met Paul, I had gone to the bar to meet you,” I said. There, I said it.

“What do you mean?”

“I sat behind you in class and thought you were hot. So, I went to the bar that night hoping to hook up with you.”

Hille opened his eyes wide. “Really? Wow. I didn’t know that.”

“Yup. I had a massive crush on you but was too shy to talk to you in class.”

“That’s too funny,” he said.

I didn’t think it was funny at all. It wasn’t funny that I came to that class in full makeup and in outfits tried on the night before and modeled in front of my roommate. I was guessing Hille didn’t think it was humorous either but I had caught him off-guard. He was awkward like that.

“I guess I’m trying to say Paul might have charmed me with his performance but you were the reason I was at the bar in the first place.”

Hille looked at me, his eyes still opened wide in surprise. Hoping to keep the conversation light and breezy, I joked, “Who knows what might have happened had you not left early that night!”

Hille scratched his head. “I guess things happen for a reason, though, right?”

“I just thought you should know girls don’t always like the hammy types like Paul. We also like the more quiet types, like you. You’re mysterious.” I smiled shyly.

Hille returned the smile. “Thanks for telling me. I had no idea you had a crush on me back then, Steph. I’m flattered. I take it Paul doesn’t know about this, does he?”

“Nope. I didn’t think he needed to know that the night we hooked up, I was insanely attracted to his best friend. Didn’t think he’d appreciate it then. Don’t think he’d appreciate it now.”

“It’ll be our secret then. Okay?”

“Sounds good to me, Craig. Shall we shake on it?” I extended my hand to Hille and he shook it firmly.

“Craig?”

“Yeah, Steph?”

“If I asked you to give my mom lessons on the computer, would you think I was nuts?”

Hille laughed. “Not at all. Too bad we don’t live closer or I’d be happy to help out.”

We gathered our stuff and walked back to the house in silence and I wondered why Hille didn’t just admit he liked me back then, too. “Don’t you think life would be so much easier if people just said what they were thinking instead of hiding behind fear?” I asked.

“Where’d that come from, Steph?” Hille grabbed my chair and put it next to his in the garage before following me up the stairs to the house.

I stopped walking and turned to face him. “Life’s too short, Craig. When you want something, you should just go for it. That’s all I’m saying.”

“In theory, yes. Sometimes it’s just not that cut and dry, though. Some things aren’t as simple as riding the waves or bungee jumping, you know?”

I thought about Ryan. Maybe ‘The Bachelor’ developing feelings for two girls at the same time wasn’t as un-heard of as I previously believed. “You’re right. Love’s a complicated emotion, isn’t it?”

“Yes. And, if we had all of the answers ahead of time, our lives would probably take a completely different direction.”

“Totally. That’s exactly what I was thinking. You’re so smart, Craig.” My mom was right. We’d make really intelligent children. I looked Hille deep in the eyes, not sure of what to say next. It was an intense moment, interrupted when Hille broke out in a huge grin and said, “Enough waxing philosophical! We’ve got a lot of booze to finish before the week’s over.”

After drinking several more beers and sneaking furtive glances at Hille who, as always, adopted a poker face as if everything was normal, I knew what I had to do. And I had to act soon since Denise, who had shifted her chair suspiciously close to his on the back porch, looked primed to make her move.

I grabbed my phone and walked toward the front porch for privacy, stopping in the kitchen for a shot of vodka on the way. I chased it with a cigarette I stole from a half full pack that was sitting on the kitchen counter. I sat on the top step and, hands shaking, called Ryan. He wasn’t picking up. I couldn’t leave this on his voicemail. I took a final drag on the cigarette as I listened to his outgoing voice message. Hearing his voice made me sad. I put out the cigarette and kicked the butt down the stairs.

“Hey Ryan, it’s me. Um, Stephanie.” I laughed. “You probably recognized my voice, though. Duh! Anyway, I need to talk to you. I really don’t think I should leave this on a voicemail. That’s kind of shitty. So call me.” I paused. “The thing is, well, I really like you, Ryan. I mean, I really, really like you. You’re awesome! And adorable and fun. And I really like you.” I coughed. I didn’t really need to cough but the message wasn’t going well and I wanted to stall. “But there’s this guy. His name is Craig but everyone calls him Hille and we’ve…” Before I could finish, I was interrupted by a long beeping sound.

I shouted, “Fuck fuck fuck!” as I called him back. “Sorry about that. I was cut off. Anyway, I met Craig in college and we really liked each other but I didn’t know he liked me and he didn’t know I liked him especially since I was dating Paul but, well, now it’s out in the open. This sucks because I’m totally into you.” I recalled the last time I had kissed Ryan, in the doorway of my apartment, and I could almost smell the fresh and summery aroma of his aftershave. “God, I like you so much but I think I need to explore this thing with Craig. After all these years, we finally came clean about our feelings. That must mean something, right? Shit, I’m probably gonna get cut off again so I’ll make this quick. I’m so sorry, Ryan.” I wiped a tear from my eye. “Please don’t hate me. Call me if you want to talk. Maybe we can be friends. I’m sorry. I’m sure you’ll meet someone better than me.” I tried to picture me and Hille on a double date with Ryan and another girl but the vision stung my insides. “Um, well not right away, right? But someday. Okay, bye. Sorry!”

I hung up and sat there for a minute watching my knees shake. I was queasy; probably nerves about telling Hille we could now be together and he wouldn’t have to pretend it was just sex anymore. I wondered what he’d say. I wondered what Ryan would say or if he’d call me. I pictured Ryan in his big grey hoodie. It was so big, I got inside it with him once. He bet me we couldn’t both fit into it but I knew we could. I laughed at the visual, stood and walked back in the house. I figured I would pull Hille to the side. Maybe we’d take a walk to the beach. We’d done our best bonding there. But first I’d freshen my face.

Before heading into the bathroom, I glanced at my bed, warm and inviting. I’d just lie down for a minute and get my thoughts together. As I kicked off my shoes, got under the covers and pulled the crisp white top sheet up to my chin, I mumbled, “Just for a minute.”

I still felt drunk the next morning and tasted smoke on my breath. Slightly dizzy, I walked into the bathroom to brush my teeth and wash off last night’s makeup. Denise wasn’t awake yet and so I took my phone into the living room, sat in the reclining chair and checked my messages. I thought maybe Ryan had called, but he hadn’t. I heard the front door open and a second later watched Rachel and Andy walk up the stairs holding bags of groceries.

“We bought bagels and stuff,” Andy said.

Although I almost puked in my mouth at the thought of eating, I forced out, “That was nice of you.”

After Rachel put a few containers of orange juice in the refrigerator, she joined me in the living room and sat down on the couch. Bending down to adjust the strap of her stiletto sandals, she said, “Where’d you disappear to last night, Steph?”

The night’s events were coming back to me in waves. “I must have passed out. Crazy night.”

Rachel looked at me with concern. “You okay?”

Nodding, I said, “I think I might still be drunk. But not in a good way. I feel like the cat’s ass.”

“Did you take something?”

“No. It’ll pass, I’m sure. Thanks.” Standing up, I said, “I think I’m gonna lie down.”