Just Good Friends (33 page)

“No. You’re wrong,” she told him levelly, her heart sinking.
It was hopeless, then. “Because if that’s how you really feel, I don’t think I want
you anymore. Set aside how you’re selling yourself short, how you won’t let
yourself push to see whether you can make it to the top, because you’re scared
you might fail. Even if I wanted a man like that, a man who won’t put himself
to the test, I sure wouldn’t want one who deceived me like this. Who doesn’t
have the guts to be honest about his plans. And, let’s not forget, who’s
planning to walk out on me.”

 “That’s what this is really about. That I’m not committing
to you.”

“Oh, yeah,” she flashed back. “Sucks to be me. I’ll have to
cancel my subscription to
Brides
magazine now. Get over yourself. I just
told you, you’ve shown me who you really are. And I don’t want it.”

“And that’s what you think of me. That’s how you see me.”

“That’s it. Now if you don’t mind, I’d like you out of my
house. Because I’m done with this. I’m done with you.”

She forced herself not to slam the door after him. Leaned
her head against it and succumbed at last to the tears she had held off all
day. Cried until her eyes swelled and her nose ran, sobbed until her chest
hurt. Walked to the bathroom, looked in the mirror at the mess she’d made of
herself, and cried some more to see it.

Because despite everything she had said, despite all the
weaknesses she had catalogued for him, she still loved him. She wanted to be
with him, support him, share her life with him. But he didn’t love her. Had
never loved her. She’d lost him, but she’d never had him at all.

Koti heard the door shut behind him. He still couldn’t
believe it had happened. He’d been in such a good mood, looking forward to
seeing her, telling her about the game. Cooking dinner together. Spending the
night with her. And now here he was, on the other side of the door. Shut out.

He drove home on autopilot, then sat staring at his house.
It looked too big and empty, and he couldn’t stomach the idea of spending the
evening in it alone. He didn’t want to go out, either. He got out of the car at
last and turned toward the beach. The tide was almost out. He could walk around
the point now. All the way to North Head, if it came to that.

An hour later he had done just that, and was standing on the
windy summit, looking out through the darkness to the water below. A nearly
full moon cast a path of light across the sea. Pity life didn’t offer a lit
roadway like that. With a clear sign at the end that you’d chosen the right
course.  

He hadn’t handled the conversation well, he knew. His own
fault. What was he going to do without her, these next weeks? It was all going
to be pretty dull. She’d had time to cool off now, though. Maybe he could
explain, apologize. It had worked before, after all. He pulled out his mobile
to give it a go.

She picked up, to his relief. But she didn’t bother with a
greeting.

“I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to talk anymore,” she
told him. “We’re done.”

“Kate. Don’t ring off. Let me say something. I’m sorry. You caught
me off guard. And then I lost my temper. Didn’t say what I should have. I’d
like to say it now.”

“All right. I’m listening,” she said warily.

He took a deep breath and began, choosing his words
carefully this time. “I didn’t tell you I was thinking about leaving. That was
wrong. I kept thinking I would, soon. But I wasn’t sure what it would mean, for
us. And I knew you’d be upset. So I put it off. But I wasn’t stringing you
along. Not deliberately.”

“I guess that’s nice to hear. But it doesn’t change much,
does it? You’re not telling me anything new here.”

“Yes, I am,” he insisted. “I’m saying we don’t have to break
up. Why can’t we go on as we are for now? Who knows how we’ll feel, a couple of
months down the road? This is good, isn’t it? And I want to be with you, baby.”

“First of all, you aren’t allowed to call me that anymore.
That’s over. Because that isn’t going to work. I’m supposed to hang on, hoping
you’ll fall in love with me. That you’ll want to be with me the way I want to
be with you. I’m not going to do that, Koti. You want a girlfriend. You want
someone to hang out with and have sex with. That’s fine. Go get her. It’d
probably be decent of you to tell her it’s a short-term assignment, but that’s
not really my problem anymore.”

“I don’t want some random girl, though,” he objected. “I
want you.”

“Well, you can’t have me,” she said sadly. “I’ll admit, I wish
you could. Because this feels awful. But it was your choice. If it makes you
feel any better, I’m pretty sure my heart’s broken. I don’t think yours is. I
suspect you’ll get over this a lot faster than I will. But I need to cut it off
now.”

Silence. She’d rung off, he realized. He swore aloud. Shoved
the mobile back into his pocket and started the long walk back to Takapuna.

Kate dragged herself into work the next morning after a
near-sleepless night. The depth of her pain had come as a surprise when she’d
lain awake at four o’clock this morning examining it. How had she become so
attached to him? It must have been the circumstances. She’d relied so much on his
friendship during these past months. At first because she hadn’t had anyone
else. And then because it had been so much fun. Losing him had left a hole she
couldn’t see how to fill.

She was grateful once again that so much of her job was
solitary. No meetings today, thank goodness. Just a stack of work that she
could lose herself in. She might not be as productive as usual, but it beat
having the same thoughts circling around and around in her head, useless and
pointless.

“Kate. Wanna go for lunch?” She looked up to see Corinne,
Brenda, and Heather standing next to her desk.

“No, thanks. I don’t really feel like talking today. I’ll
take my lunch later. You go ahead.”

She intercepted the glance they exchanged. They were feeling
sorry for her. That was fairly hard to miss.

“And all of you know about this now, don’t you? Who else
knows?” she asked Brenda with resignation.

The other woman looked chagrined. “I’m a publicist,” she
apologized. “That’s what I do. Publicize. Sorry.”

Kate looked around. Several other heads were turned her way
as well, clearly interested in the conversation. She’d get this over once and
for all, she decided. The pitying looks and curious stares were going to be too
hard to take, unless she confronted them directly.

She stood to her full height. “I’ve just decided to do a
little publicity of my own.”

Brenda’s eyes widened in alarm. “Are you sure that’s a good
idea?”

“Doesn’t matter. I’m doing it anyway.” Kate raised her voice
to address the roomful of office workers. “Hey, everyone! Listen up. I have an
announcement.” She picked up her ruler and banged it sharply against the desk.

Once she was sure everyone’s attention was focused on her,
she began. “I’m guessing all of you know I’ve been dating Koti James for a
while now. So you can hear the news here first. It’s over. If anyone wants the
job, there’s a vacancy. Just temporary, but you’ll have a good time. Don’t
expect anything more, and you won’t be disappointed.”

She forced herself to stop. “That’s all,” she finished
lamely, and sat down with a thump. She was embarrassed, but oddly relieved as
well.

“Bloody hell,” Corinne breathed. “That’s a first.”

“Go have your lunch,” Kate told them. “I’m lousy company
today.”

The others nodded and wandered off, casting a look back at
Kate as she sat at her desk and tried to focus on her work again. An unusual
number of other staff had left their desks too, she saw. No doubt to discuss
her interesting revelation.

Bethany, the office manager, was the next to make an appearance
in her field of vision. “Let’s go into the conference room and have a chat,”
the older woman said firmly.

Kate followed her straight back, feeling very much as if
she’d been summoned to the principal’s office. Something that had never
actually happened to her. Well, wasn’t this fascinating? She was having all
sorts of new experiences this year. Maybe she’d get to experience being fired
now as well. In her current mood, that seemed like the next inevitable boulder
to come crashing down on her.

“Well.” Bethany looked at her seriously once they were both
seated. “That was interesting.”

“And unprofessional,” Kate agreed. “On the other hand, one quick
burst of speculation, and it’s over. Instead of people whispering about it all
week.”

“There is that,” Bethany admitted. “But it still wasn’t
appropriate. I understand that you’re going through a rough patch just now, but
I’m going to have to ask you to leave your personal life at home.”

“Of course,” Kate answered with relief. She wasn’t going to
be fired after all, then. Not today. At least one aspect of her life wasn’t
falling to pieces. “It won’t happen again, I promise.”

“It hasn’t before. That’s why I’m letting this one go. Put
your head down, keep doing good work, and you’ll get through this. You may want
to talk to someone outside as well, get some help.”

“I don’t think it’ll come to that. I picked the wrong guy,
that’s all. But thanks.”

“Be careful what you wish for, eh,” Bethany said with a
small smile.

“Exactly,” Kate agreed with a humorless laugh of her own.
“Maybe that’s a lesson learned for everyone. It sure has been for me.”  

 “We’re taking you out with us, Friday night,” Brenda told
her the next day. “We’ve decided you need some distraction. Maybe some rebound
sex as well.”

“I don’t know,” Kate said dubiously. “That’s a big no on the
rebound sex. It’s pretty much the last thing on my mind. I’m not sure I’m up
for much social time right now, either.”

“Which is why you need us,” Corinne insisted. “You don’t
have to talk, just listen.”

“And drink,” Brenda added helpfully. “Come on. If you don’t,
I’m going to think you’re still upset with me for spreading the news.”

“I am upset with you, though,” Kate scowled at her. “Sort
of. Or maybe I’m just upset, period.”

“All right,” she capitulated after a moment’s thought. “I
might as well. Better than sitting at home feeling sorry for myself. I’m not
drinking so much this time, though. Last time I went out with the three of you,
the bus ride home across the bridge was a nightmare. I spent the whole trip
praying I wouldn’t get sick.”

She thought with a pang of that night, and the morning that
had followed. Of Koti joking with her about it, letting her sleep, buying her
breakfast to settle her stomach. That wouldn’t be happening this time. And that
was enough reason to go out, right there. If she couldn’t enjoy herself, she
could at least maintain some semblance of a social life. Because she had a lot
of time to fill, and she didn’t want to spend all of it alone.

She might not want rebound sex, Kate decided on Friday
morning as she looked through her closet. But a little male attention wouldn’t
hurt. Her pride had suffered a serious blow. No matter how much she tried to
tell herself otherwise, part of her still whispered that if she’d been more
beautiful, more glamorous, Koti wouldn’t have let her go so easily. Well, she’d
make sure she looked her best tonight. Maybe nobody would put her on a poster,
but she’d bet she could make a few heads turn herself if she put her mind to
it.

“You’ve made the papers today,” Brenda told her, handing her
a copy as soon as Kate entered the office. “I wanted to let you know straight
away, and that I didn’t do it. They must have got the info from somebody else.
Probably somebody here.”

Caught . . . and free again

We hear that
Koti James
has
just had a very public split from his latest, Blues officeworker
Kate
Lamonica.
The two had been spotted together for months, looking very cosy
indeed. The good times came to an end, it seems, with a row in the Blues
office. Good news for his many fans: the popular centre is on the market once
again.

“Damn,” Kate breathed, her heart sinking. “They didn’t even
get the story right. I didn’t think of this when I made my announcement. Just
what I’ve been trying to avoid. This’ll be on the Internet now.”

“Afraid so,” Brenda sympathized. “Though I suspect it
would’ve made the papers eventually in any case. But En Zed’s a long way from
California. Hard for me to believe that anyone’s going to make the trip all the
way out here after all this time, no matter how mad he is.”

“You don’t know him, though,” Kate told her. “He’s capable
of just about anything. And I know he’s still looking for me. But it’s a tiny
item. And I can’t be the only Kate Lamonica in the world.”

“Too right,” Brenda said encouragingly. “He’s not likely
even to see it.”

Kate hoped that was true. But she was afraid to count on it.
She’d finally begun, these past weeks, to feel like a normal person again. One
who didn’t have to check every exit, scan every face, be on the alert in every
situation. And a lot of the reason for that had been Koti. When he’d been with
her, she’d been able to relax. But that wasn’t the case anymore.

“I’ll be careful,” she decided. “That’s all I can do now.
And I’ll hope and pray that he’s finally lost interest. That he’s gone from my
life.”

Koti sat on the bench in the locker room, stuffing his gear
back into his duffel after another disappointing training session. During the
past few days, he’d tried to put the confrontation with Kate out of his mind. Still,
he’d found himself just that bit off pace, his offloads lacking their usual
crispness, his performance in the drills slower and less precise.

Maybe it was the lack of sleep. Or the suddenness of the
change. He hadn’t adjusted yet, that was all. He’d picked up his mobile a dozen
times, his fingers hovering over the speed-dial button. Then set it down again.
There was no point, was there? He needed to put this behind him. Focus on what
mattered.