Just In Time: An Alaskan Nights Novel (15 page)

“You don’t think I should have left.”

She threw her napkin on the table at that and stood up. “I have never once thought that, nor will I ever. You have a gift and you were given the gift of opportunity to use it.”

“Okay, all right. I’m sorry.”

Her features softened, but she didn’t sit. Instead, she crossed around the table to sit next to him. “Roman. All I’m saying is that when you left, you left. And you have made deliberate choices about staying away.”

He wanted to argue—wanted to rail that he hadn’t done that—but he was a shitty liar to begin with, and exceptionally poor at it with his grandmother.

“I couldn’t come back. Not with her here.”

“I know, darling. I know.” She took his hand and held it in both of hers. “A dream is a beautiful thing, but it has a price. Avery was the price.”

“I’ve always believed I made the choice I had to. But now . . .” He stared at the table, barely seeing the dishes covering the top. “Now I don’t know. She’s here and I’m here and I wonder if I chose wrong.”

“If you’d stayed, it would have destroyed both of you.”

He laid his free hand over hers and squeezed. “Yeah, but leaving pretty much did the same.”

“Oh, sweetie. Who do you think you’d be if you’d never taken the opportunity?”

“Just another hockey fiend who played on the weekends and watched the games with rabid interest.”

“No. You have a rare talent and every single minute of your time on the ice would have been spent with resentment. Is that what you would have wanted to bring to your relationship with Avery?”

“No.”

“It’s easy to look backward and say ‘what if,’ but when we play that game, we always like to think the ‘what if’ would be better. What if it was worse?”

He knew she had a point. He’d spent the last half of the season wondering who the hell he was going to be when hockey was over. At least he’d had the opportunity. Had gone for the gold and swung at the fences.

Even if it had come at a terribly steep price.

It was with that knowledge that another thought struck, swift and hard. “She enjoyed Ireland.”

“Very much.”

“That’s her adventure. Her opportunity.”

“Yes, it was. Alicia’s illness kept her grounded for far too long. Avery’s finally been given the gift of wings.”

“I’ll only hold her back.”

“Would you really do that?”

He thought of the choices he’d made so far where the two of them were concerned and questioned if he would make the right decision when it counted.

“I don’t know. I hope not, but I honestly don’t know.”

•   •   •

Roman walked the quiet streets of Indigo and soaked up the late-night sun as he thought about dinner. While its beginnings had been a bit rough, the second half of the evening with his grandmother had been more of what he looked forward to each time he came home.

She was always honest with him, and even when she struck a nerve, he knew it was something he needed to hear.

Would he hold Avery back
?

That simple question turned over and over in his mind.

He wanted to believe he wouldn’t stand in Avery’s way. Wanted to think enough of himself and his motivations to believe an adult relationship was something mutually fulfilling. Something they could share.

But was that the right thing? The fair thing?

Oh hey, honey. So glad you waited around for me for fourteen years. Ready to pick up where we left off?

Even as he thought it, he knew that wasn’t an accurate assessment of how he felt about her or what he wanted. He wanted to share his life with her. Wanted them to share their hopes and dreams for the future, wherever that took them.

So why did he feel like he was trying to have his cake and eat it, too?

On a sigh, he shoved his jumbled thoughts to the back of his mind. After he and his grandmother discussed Avery, the talk had turned to lighter matters. She spoke of all the odds and ends in her life before shifting to recount the excitement in town as Sloan and Walker planned their wedding.

She also told him all the latest town gossip, including the interest in a female pilot Mick and Jack had hired to help them with the increasing workload of their business. Although originally scheduled to join them in the spring, the woman had been forced to delay her arrival for the fall due to some unexpected commitments with her family.

He’d smiled as she told him of Mick’s new partner. There was no doubt she was a hot piece of gossip out at the airstrip.

Roman’s thoughts were interrupted by a few late-night walkers, and he waved across the town square before heading into the lobby of the hotel.

Straight into a dancing Avery.

“What’s up, Donna Summer?”

Her face glowed brightly as she continued to do an odd swoop-n-waltz around the lobby on tiptoes. “Ask me what just happened a few hours ago.”

“Can I guess?”

“You’ll never guess it.”

“Can I try?”

She shrugged but didn’t stand still. “Sure.”

“You’re being profiled in a travel magazine.”

The dancing stopped and she whirled on him, her face falling slightly. “How did you get so close?”

“Close to what? You’re going to be in a magazine?”

“I was invited to sit on a panel for a tourism conference.”

“That’s fantastic.”

“How’d you guess?”

He shrugged, but a weird tremor hit at the nape of his neck. “I’m not sure. It just seemed like the right answer.”

One foot began tapping as Avery looked thoughtful. “That’s peculiar. Did your mother tell you?”

“How would my mother have told me? I haven’t talked to her. Have you?”

“No.”

“So how could she possibly know?”

“She seems to know everything that goes on in this town.”

He crossed the lobby to take a chair. “She’s not omniscient, despite the fact I spent the majority of my childhood convinced she was.”

“You just got the unlucky roll of the dice to get a sister who had a big mouth.”

He laughed at that, even as that strange twitch continued just under his hairline. Roman ran a hand over the tight muscles of his neck, willing the tingles to subside. “Tell me more about the conference.”

“It’s in Anchorage and they had a panelist drop out at the last minute and invited me to sit in.”

“That’s great. You’re going, right?”

“I just need to get the time off.”

He eyed her at that. “You’re going.”

“I don’t want to leave Susan in a lurch.”

He glanced around the quiet lobby and knew that was the last thing she needed to worry about. “I think she can spare you for a few days. Besides, she’s all too happy to leave you here to take care of things. I love my mother, but she’s capable of lifting both hands and doing the work, too.”

“We share the load.”

“I’m not saying you don’t, but this is a big opportunity for both you and the hotel. You’re representing us. It’s important.”

“Oh God.” She clutched her stomach. “What if I totally screw it up?”

“You won’t.”

“But what if I do?”

“You’re the one who taught me all my public speaking skills and you were sixteen at the time. You’ve got this one.”

The dancing started again as she swirled around the room picking up glasses and waltzing them back to the bar counter. “Damn right.”

Roman picked up a few glasses before he stopped and simply watched her, the opportunity too tempting to resist.

He’d memorized the shape of her face in his childhood. Had seen the chubby cheeks grow and morph into the slender face of a teenager. And now, all he saw was the graceful slope of her neck, the curve of her high cheekbones and the shiny wave of her hair tucked behind her ear.

She was beautiful, in an earthy way that made him think of sunshine and picnics, snow and roaring fires.

And the need for her that had never really dimmed came to life, beating furiously through his veins with a desperate craving that knocked his feet out from underneath him. He knew he needed to give her the space she deserved, but try as he might, he couldn’t assuage the desire that filled him when he looked at her.

Nor could he quite get rid of the hope that danced at the edge of his thoughts, whispering that things could be different this time. That they could make things work now that they were both free to make their own choices.

Their circumstances were different.

They
were different.

But was that enough to make up for fourteen years and the four thousand miles that had stretched between them?

A
very saw the desire on his face. Where both of them usually cloaked their true feelings, his interest was evident in every line of his body, as if he’d been frozen in ice. At the thought, a helpless giggle rose in her throat she couldn’t stop.

His dark eyebrows flattened at her laughter. “What is it?”

“All I can think of is Han Solo frozen in the carbonite.”

“What?”

“You. That expression on your face. It’s so sweet, and all I can think of is how you and Walker and Mick used to go around and freeze in place, pretending to be Han Solo.”

“You’re hell on a man’s ego.”

“Sorry. It popped into my head and once it got there I couldn’t get rid of it.”

The set of his shoulders relaxed a bit as a warm smile spread across his face. Avery was curious to note the desire still hovered in his eyes as he moved closer, but his movements had grown lazy as he crossed the room. “No one ever wanted to be Luke.”

“Farm boy or space pirate. It’s not a hard choice.”

He walked into her personal space, effectively capturing her back against the bar while his large arms closed in around her body. “That was an easy choice. Other choices are harder.”

“I know.” She nodded, the moment turning serious and—was it possible?—sad.

They’d lost so much time and wasted so many years.

“I’ve missed you.” She whispered the words, as if saying them out loud gave them power.

Maybe it did
, her conscience reminded her. Voicing her feelings made them real. Valid.

And now it was something she couldn’t try to take back.

“Me, too.”

The carefree laughter was gone, vanished as if it had never been. “Please let me say this. I want to get it out.”

“Okay.” His face softened, the desire banked. In its place, he stared at her in that way he had when she knew he was truly listening to her. His gaze was firm and direct, his attention absolute.

“I loved you. And losing you was hard emotionally. To have a sexual relationship end, especially my first, was hard, but you are more to me than sex. Our relationship, too. It was more to me than just boyfriend and girlfriend.”

“I know.”

“Do you, Roman?” She whispered the question, the words solemn. “Do you really understand what your leaving meant?”

“I know what it meant to me. I got my dream and gave up absolutely every single thing of value in my life to have it.”

His words struck, swift and true, to the center of her heart. In all these years—all her moments of struggle and pain and sadness—she’d never thought about it from his perspective.

“You’ve had new things come into your life.”

“They were wonderful. But somewhere deep inside, I always knew I couldn’t have both.”

“You chose not to have both, Roman. There’s a difference.”

Emotion flashed across the deep green of his irises, a mix of frustration and guilt. “It’s not that easy. It never has been.”

“Did you try? Did you consider bringing me with you?”

“Where would it have gotten you? Us? Your mother was dying, Avery. Slowly and painfully. Could you really have left her?”

“No.”

“So how fair would it have been for me to dangle the opportunity to come with me? It would have killed you.”

She recognized the truth of his words—the reality of having to choose would have done just that.

With startling clarity, she understood that if she’d been given the choice—no matter which side she’d chosen—she’d have had resentment.

Resentment toward her mother if she’d chosen to stay. And resentment of Roman if she’d left.

“How did you know?”

“Because I know you. You’re sweet and loyal and you do the things that are hard. Your mom was hard, yet you stood by her. That’s who you are.”

“I’m not sure I’m sweet.”

“I’m sure.”

He bent his head, his mouth finding hers. His arms still caged her against the bar and she laid her hands on his biceps, the hard muscle underneath her fingers flexing slightly as he maintained a rigid control.

She wanted him to lose that restraint. To let the fire rage and consume them both.

And she also knew if she allowed it to burn, they might never get it back under control.

Pulling her mouth away, she kept firm pressure on his arms. “I have to get an early start tomorrow.”

“Sure.” Passion glazed his eyes, and the muscles in his arms flexed again at the frustration that rode him.

“I’ll see you in the morning.”

He stepped back and dropped his arms at his sides. “Good night, Avery.”

“Good night, Roman.”

Avery left the glasses on the bar. They could be dealt with in the morning. She knew to her very core that if she stayed one moment longer she wouldn’t leave.

At the arch that capped off the hallway to her apartment, she turned to look at him. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For not asking me to make a choice all those years ago. I never understood before what a gift that was.”

•   •   •

Roman stood before the wall of mirrors in the workout room, pushing through his third set of reps. The simple motion of pushing his muscles up and down, his breathing in and out, had gone a long way toward calming his raging body.

It hadn’t done a fucking thing for his mind.

Why did they continue to dance around each other like this? The attraction was there, of course, and so was the fear. Avery wasn’t a tease—she never had been—but waiting for her had him so twisted up he didn’t know if he was coming or going.

Even as he understood why it wasn’t so simple as falling into bed with each other.

The face of his cell phone lit up where he’d set it on one of the benches, the loud, insistent ringing pulling him from his thoughts.

“Forsyth.”

“Roman? It’s Bill Farley. From the network.”

Roman grabbed a towel and water bottle and sat down on a weight bench. “Bill. It’s good to hear from you.”

“Look. I’m going to call your agent but wanted to talk to you first. You’re the odds-on favorite here to take the open sportscaster spot.”

The news hit him, his competitive nature glorying in the fact that he was the front-runner. “Thanks, Bill.”

“You really wowed them a few weeks ago with the interviews and the read-through was spot on. You’ve got a bright future and we’re hoping it’s with SNN.”

Roman knew the Sports News Network was one of the most respected in all of broadcasting and he knew it was an opportunity most worked a lifetime for.

So why did the knowledge that he might have a future with them feel so empty?

He forced his attention back to the conversation, well aware what he said in the next few minutes would dictate his future. He also knew the producer had jumped protocol by calling him and not his agent, Ray.

“Look. Why don’t you give Ray a call and discuss details. As I told you when we met, I’m evaluating my options right now and appreciate the timeline you’ve laid out for me to consider things.”

“Sure, man. Of course.” The jovial tone lowered several notches as the guy realized he wouldn’t get any hint of Roman’s ultimate plans on the phone. “I’ll give Ray a holler in the morning.”

“Fantastic.”

They exchanged a few more pleasantries and Roman gave his stock answer about how hard everyone worked in the off-season before he hung up.

He stared at the phone as he rested with his elbows on his knees. A professional sports gig would set him up for life. Would ensure he kept active in the sport and could likely even maintain many of his endorsements.

But the harsh reality of never playing hockey again left him with a cold, empty feeling he’d only ever had once before.

The day he walked out of Indigo, leaving Avery behind.

•   •   •

Excitement whispered on the air as the town of Indigo descended on the hockey rink to whip it back into shape bright and early Saturday morning. Roman had sketched out a rough set of instructions and jobs so they could manage as many people who chose to show up. But as he looked up from his list, he could only shake his head.

Who knew it would be every single member of Indigo, minus the three families who were out of town on summer vacation?

He knew he’d have an audience, but hadn’t expected a throng like this.

Ignoring his increasing nerves, Roman refocused his attention in the same way he did on big game days. He forced himself to think about something else.

Today, that meant Bear, Indigo’s ageless denizen who had a heart as big as his sizable body.

Bear had already been given one of the heavy-lifting jobs, and Roman couldn’t hold back a smile as the big man preened around the outdoor boards, pointing out various places that needed work.

“You could have named him mayor of Indigo and he wouldn’t be this happy.”

Roman glanced down at Avery—dressed in a long-sleeved T-shirt, jeans and work boots—and tugged on the bill of her baseball cap. “I sort of made him mayor for the day.”

“I won’t tell Sophie.”

“Probably a good idea.”

“What can I do to help?”

“You want to direct them inside? The boards and bleachers both need a lot of work. You saw what I wasn’t happy about the other day.”

“Aye, aye.” She gave him a jaunty salute and headed for the front doors of the arena. Try as he might to go back to his list, Roman took the few moments for himself to watch her go.

“She’s a beautiful woman. Even more so in the midst of sunshine and friends.”

Roman felt the heat creep up his neck at being caught by Doc Cloud. The man had approached on his right side and Roman never saw him. “Thanks for coming out today.”

“I’m happy to help.”

“A common sentiment.”

“You’re bothered by that?”

“No, of course not.” Roman waved a hand and tried to dislodge the boulder on his shoulder.

“But you are bothered by the fact that it should have been done a long time ago.”

On a heavy sigh, Roman nodded. “Yeah.”

“I agree. And I think everyone appreciates your willingness to take charge and do something about it.”

“I just wonder why they didn’t take charge themselves.”

“Because if they did, symbolically it might mean you wouldn’t come back. That rink is a memorial to you.”

Roman simply stared at Doc Cloud, unsure of what he could possibly say to that.

“Avery’s not the only one who’s missed you, Roman. We all have.”

“I’ve been around.”

“You’ve been a visitor. It’s not the same thing.”

Where it might have been hard to hear from someone else, Doc Cloud’s kind eyes and even tone made it plain and clinical somehow. There was no judgment there. No guilt.

Just simple fact.

“Well, I’m here now.”

The good doctor nodded and rubbed his hands together. “Then let’s get to work.”

•   •   •

Julia manned the water station as Mary and Sophie took care of making sandwiches. She couldn’t hold back the smile at Mary’s disgruntled complaints.

“How could we possibly have gone through all that turkey already?”

“Dot from the diner is slicing more.” Sophie grabbed another bag of bread from the now half-full cardboard carton that had been delivered earlier that morning.

“But I had five pounds when I started.”

“You’ve got an entire town of hungry people.” Julia eyed her own dwindling ice supply and glanced over toward the rink to see if there were any men she could call away to help get more over at the hotel.

“I saw Roman and Avery talking to each other earlier.”

Sophie’s voice stiffened her spine and Julia willed herself to relax. “They do know how to be civil to each other.”

“And the more time they spend together the more civil they are getting.” Mary’s giggle floated toward Julia on the light afternoon breeze. “You can’t tell us you haven’t seen it.”

“Of course I’ve seen it. They care for each other. But I don’t think the two of them deserve to be shoved under a microscope.”

Sophie let out a snort. “Oh come on, Jules. You can’t tell us you’re not excited.”

Julia whirled, the cup of water she was pouring spilling from her hands where she squeezed the thin plastic too tight. “What’s there to be excited about? That the two of them might make an even bigger mistake than before? That the hurt they’ve put each other through for almost a decade and a half should be ignored so they can enjoy each other for a few weeks?”

“Oh, honey.” Mary’s eyes widened and Julia didn’t miss the hurt in their blue depths. She rushed over, her hug tight and immediate. “I had no idea you felt this way.”

Julia leaned into the hug, grateful for the support, even as she struggled with whether or not her closest friends really understood. “What if they hurt each other even more? Grown-up, adult hurt that can’t be taken back?”

“Or what if this is the time they need to understand what they lost?”

“It’s not that easy, Mary.”

“What if it is?”

Julia held back the sigh and kept any further thoughts to herself.

This was the exact reason she didn’t want to discuss Roman and Avery with them. Why couldn’t anyone understand what it would do to both of them if they lost each other?

“Grandma!”

Julia pulled out of Mary’s arms and turned to find Roman heading toward them.

“Are you okay?”

“Of course.” Julia swallowed hard and tried to dislodge the unshed tears in her throat. “What’s going on?”

“Would you come with me?”

“Sure.”

She glanced back at Mary’s and Sophie’s sympathetic faces, but followed, curious why Roman would pull her away.

“Are you sure everything is all right?”

“Oh sure, honey. Mary was upset we wouldn’t have enough food.”

She saw his confusion that a lack of turkey would necessitate a hug but he shrugged it off. “I think we have enough to eat for a week, Grandma.”

“Well, people are working hard, we wouldn’t want anyone to go hungry.”

He wrapped a large arm around her shoulders. “Can’t have that.”

“Food equals love and hospitality.”

“And the overabundance that passes for hospitality in this town could feed several third-world nations.”