Just Like Heaven (18 page)

“True.”

“Tell me how you wasted twenty years of your life on…me.”

“All true.” Her father balled his hands into fists at his sides and opened them, as though needing to relieve the stress that swept through his body. “You told your mother and
me
that, after receiving your Bachelors degree, yo
u would enter
law school.”

“True,” Nina said, mimicking her father.

“That you would take the bar and use our contacts to enter the working world.”

“True.”

“And now you’re telling me that you lied? That you had no intention of going to law school? That you only said so to get us to pay for your college education?”

“True, true, and true.”

Her father staggered back as though she’
d flung a bucket of acid on
him. “How dare you defy us.”

“I
defied
you t
wice in my life. But y
ou and mom defied me
every day
for t
he past twenty years. I had to live by your rules. But today is my graduation…from living the way you want me to live. From now on, I’m going to live my life. Not the life you want me to have.
”
She turned around.

“If you walk away, you’ll never
be
welcome in our home again.”

Nina spun back to him. “You still don’t understand, do you? I was never we
lcome there to begin with.” And then
she walked out of his life.

This time, the image froze on her father’s expression.

Only now, five
years later and with the “gift” of seeing that which she hadn’t seen the first time around since she had left her father, Nina stare
d transfixed at his
appearance
.

E
yebrows
knitted
with w
orry, wincing as though second-guessing
his actions, her father looked…as though he finally understood his daughter. Tears shimmered in his eyes, and he lowered his head, looking regretful and ashamed.

It made Nina feel mortified and remorseful.
After that moment in time, whenever she needed a shot of courage, she recalled this incident and drew great strength from treating her father how her parents had always treated her. But now seeing the effect it had on him, she realized that the moment where she
’d
finally broken free of their
distasteful treatment she
’d
inadvertently endorsed their own tactics
by adopting them as her own
.
And although she had never used that same
horrible
approach with another person, she didn’t know what using this strategy against her father said about her.
It threw her
self-esteem
into disarray.

“What’s the matter?” asked
Mei Lee
. “You gave him what he deserved.”

“It doesn’t feel right.”

“Oh, now, after five
years
,
it doesn’t feel right?”

“That’s what I’m saying.
” Nina
refused
to let her friend raise her voic
e
without doing likewise:
“And I don’t like it.”

Mei Lee
shook her head in disapproval.

“What’s the matter?”

“I saw the way he treated you. And I saw the way your mother treated you. They acted like you were a little doll, who always had to dress a certain way, act a certain way, live a certain way. You gave them what they deserved.”

“But they provided for me.”

“
That’s expected of every parent.”

“I didn’t need to get a job as a teenager.”

“
But you got more than one, so you wouldn’t need their money.
Don’t you remember working in the toy store, the record store, the pet shop, the department store, the—”

“Yeah, but I stole my education. I
didn’t earn it
. I lied. I cheated.” She didn’t want to hear another word from
Mei Lee
’s lips, so she whirled around, strode to the door, and walked out on her best friend.

CHAPTER
NINE

Nick looked around, but didn’t see anyth
ing…or
anyone. He didn’t even see
color
of any kind
. He stood on a hard surface, but there were no lines in what
whatever supported his weight:
concrete, brick, wood or anything else that might
indicate what he stood upon
. It reminded him of the scene in the
science-fiction film,
The
Matrix
, where Neo, played by Keanu Reeves, meets with Morpheus, enacted by La
wrence Fish
b
urne. They stood in
colorless confines and discuss
ed
the
world that Neo found himself in: a computer generated fantasy.

“Enjoying yourself?” asked Roland, appearing beside him without warning.  

“What’s happening? Where am I? And don’t say heaven.”
Nick, no longer disorie
nted now that he saw
a familiar face, couldn’t hel
p but feel like he
clung to Roland in this land of the void. Something had changed since he’d
first
seen the Englishman
. He felt an attachment
to him
now. For whatever reason,
although Nick didn’t believe Roland’s
assertions about heaven, he believed
in
him. Only he didn’t quite understand why he felt that way. Without his “guide,” he would once more be abandoned. And for reasons he couldn’t pinpoint
,
that idea frightened him. For that reason, he decided to play along with Roland’s theory.

“Why
are you
ask
ing
me?
” Roland said.
“
You’re the one in this dream. You tell me.”

“I’m in the Matrix.”

“We’re in a virtual world?” Roland asked. “How quaint.”

“Wait, you said we’re in heaven. If we are, how do you know about
The Matrix
?”

“As I’ve stated, we have hobbies on the Other Side. While not engaged with friends and loved ones, we strike out on our own, working, learning, and entertaining hobbies.
I was a filmmaker in my last incarnation.
”

“Really? What movies did you make? Were you famous?
Hey, d
id you know Spielberg? I love the
Indiana Jones
flicks.”

“
God can do anything, Nicholas. He loves us all, so don’t you think
H
e’d grant me the chance to see that which I’ve enjoyed in a past life? But regarding, Mr. Spielberg,
I preferred S
aving Private Ryan
.” His upper lip curled in a half-formed smile. “What did you think about that movie?”

Nick didn’t respond. The emotion-packed ending brought tears to his eyes.

“Or
Field of Dreams
. Have you seen that one?”

The part where Kevin Costner played catch with his
father actually made tears rush
down his cheeks. But Nick refused to feel bad about that admission (even if he wouldn’
t actually utter
the
truth
) because it was a classic
film. The way he saw it, if a man didn’t cry at that part, he was
n’t
human.

As though expecting silence,
Roland’s partial smile grew in
intensity, and he allowe
d the discomfort of their silence
to
stretch
his lips into
a straight line again.
“
As for my role in cinema,
I was
nobody
special
.” Roland emphasized his role without a trace of regret or disappointment. “This was around the time of Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin. The silent era.
I made short films. No more than eight minutes or so
in length
.
”

“Did you want to become famous?”

“I’ll
concede that it would have been exciting. But I collaborated with a young artist who became the love of my life – well, that life anyway – and my filmmaking aspirations allowed me
to enjoy my career and support our
family. I rather liked my
time in the cinema
, even if I never became a sensation
.”

Nick couldn’t imagine not making it big in his career aspirations. Failure would send him in
to
a tailspin, one he would never recover from. It explained why he would never give up
on his
goals
. “So it didn’t bum you out?”

“
Not at all.
After that lifetime ended,
I discove
red that I’d written my chart
to include Paris – that was her name – while busy in the film wo
rld. Without my interest in the movies
, I wouldn’t have met her. Events, coincidence, predicaments – they all happen for a reason. In fact, everything happens for a reason. Of course the explanation won’t be evident until you give yourself over to that fact. And it is a fact. Whether good or
bad
, everything happens
in our lives
so that our souls
can
communicate
with God
on a higher level
.”

“How
would
going through so much help us
communicate better with God?
”

“
By showing that
we are willing to endure great pain to attain as close to spiritual perfection as possible. Granted, we’ll never achieve perfection because only the Lord is perfect.
But becoming a m
ore fully realized soul will bring
us that much closer to God’s magnificence.
”

“So He does wa
nt us to suffer? I always knew H
e was an unjust god. That’s why
H
e let
s
people die in plane cra
shes. That’s why H
e’s allowed cancer and AIDS and every other disease to exist
. That’s why
H
e let Hitler kill millions of people.”

“You misunderstand,” Roland said with great patience. “God loves all His children. Even if they don’t love Him back
or don’t believe in
H
im
. Have you ever
wondered why our Lord
forgives even the most heinous crimes imaginable, as long as th
at person remains penitent? Because each action has a cause and effect. Horrible atrocities impact other lives, often negatively, but it is a spiritual test to prove
to God that we
are worthy of H
is love.
Make no
mistake
–
t
o be hum
an is to suffer. But it is how w
e deal with those trials that
determine who we are as spiritual entities. And for every death, there are countless acts of human kindness
. Yet these acts go unseen or
forgotten because, in human form, we often tend to focus on the negative and belittle the positive.

“
We fear losing
to such an extent that it oft
en blinds us to the advantages
of taking risks to
win…whatever we want
. It is only when one attains enough perspective to balance both energies that
the human spirit
can begin to shape
itself
into an advanced entity.
”

Something stirred inside Nick. He didn’t know how or why, but the reasons Roland provided as to why God would allow
Nick’s
parents and Harold to die, let alone billions
of other people throughout human
history, seemed to take shape. Still, he remained tentative to…believe.

“Think of Jesus and the torture he endured to spread the word of God.
We will never attain
that level of commitment. But we all try to get as close as we can.”

“Why?”

“On
earth
we communicate with God, but we are some
times left unfulfilled because He doesn’t answer us directly in ways that are immediately understood. But he gives us what we
need to accomplish what we se
t out to achieve. I understand why you might be skeptical
. But that is why we call
faith – belief in the unproven
. To
return to your original question,
as we mold our spirit, we
become more closely linked with God
, making it easier to communicate with Him.”