Just One Touch: A Black Alcove Novel (The Black Alcove Series Book 3) (20 page)

I narrow my eyes,
hating how jealous I am, because I shouldn’t be jealous. There
isn’t and won’t be an Alexis and Conner.

I’m about to order my
entire dinner so I can get this date over with—I’m only here to
prove to Beth that I’m over Conner—when the guy himself walks
through the door. He looks great in his dark wash jeans and gray
hoodie. Sad eyes meet mine, and it forces me to look away for a brief
moment.

Pete groans at the
sight of him and Abby excuses herself, letting us know she’ll be
back with two waters. Conner keeps his eyes on our table as he moves
toward the bar.

“He’s not seriously
following you, is he?”

“No, he works here.
He’s not crazy.” I’m suddenly defensive.

Pete glares at me so I
glare back.

“You know what, I’m
going to head out. Think your boyfriend can give you a ride?” he
says sarcastically, rising from the table.

“I’ll walk since
you drove me a whole block.”

Pete lets out a grunt
laugh and leaves me sitting at the table alone. Well, work will be
fun next week.

I continue to sit there
when Abby brings me a water, and I decline her offer to get me some
food.

Alright, so maybe
everyone else is right. Even Logan told me I need to let go of the
past, that nothing that happened before I got here should affect
where I end up. Maybe I should just talk to Conner, but like
everything else in my life, I need the time to do it on my own.

“This seat taken?”
Conner asks, not waiting for an answer before he sits down. I take a
deep breath and look up. It takes everything I have not to start
crying.

“You know just as
well I as I do that we are meant to be together. You’re just
wasting your time dating other guys,” he says. He doesn’t say it
like he’s mad, he says it like he understands why I’m doing it.
His voice is calm and soft and it makes me want to both scream and
cry that he thinks me knows me as well as he does.

“No, I don’t know
that,” I snap and head for the door. He calls my name, but I don’t
stop. I even make it all the way home before it occurs to me that he
didn’t come after me and it frustrates me because I wanted him to.

I’m a mess.

Conner

There was a moment last
night when I thought I was getting through to her. Instead I made
matters worse. Maybe she doesn’t feel like I do. Maybe it really is
over.

Jake stirs next to me
on the couch. The poor kid was dropped off by his mother once again
for a reason she can’t explain. Like a couple of times before, she
was crying when she left.

She wouldn’t tell me
why.

Things were great and
now I feel like I can’t get any part of my life together. With Jake
in my arms, I carry him to his room and lay him onto his bed before
reaching for his backpack to grab his pajamas. It’s almost time to
get him a bigger bed. This kid is growing up too fast for me.

I pull a pair of
dinosaur pajamas from the big pocket and a white envelope falls out.
Seeing it on my floor with my name written across the front sends a
sinking feeling to my gut.

I finish changing Jake and tuck him
in before I pull out the letter. The first two words force me to the
edge of the bed before I make it out of the room.

I’m sorry, Conner.

I won’t be picking Jake up this time around. I’ve been doing
this mom thing for a while now and it’s not working out for me. I
can’t do it. Not alone, and I can’t force you to be with me at
all times. I knew the idea was absurd the moment I mentioned it.

This is a selfish choice. I know it. But I’ve been thinking
about it for a while now and Jake will be better off without me.

The last few months when Jake comes back to me after spending time
with you and Alexis, the smile on his face is brighter than any day
he’s with me. He’s always talking about you and your family, and
until recently he’d always speak of Alexis. He’s very fond of
her. Maybe the reason I met her when I was younger and confided in
her all those years ago was because Fate knew she would one day raise
my son. He’s in good hands with you and with her. He will be truly
happy with the both of you.

I’m not sorry I held such high standards for you. For making you
get your own place, go back to school, and get a steady job. I knew
this day would come and I wanted to make sure Jake was going to be
safe and well cared for before I left him. I knew you could give him
so much more than I ever could on my own.

I know this doesn’t make sense to you, but this has been my plan
from the day I told you that you are a father. If I couldn’t make
us a family, I knew I wouldn’t be able to stick around. I’m not a
good mom for him.

The hate you feel for me right for giving up on Jake is something
I will never ask you to forgive me for. I promise I won’t be coming
back into your life years later to take him from you. To prove this
to you, I’ve enclosed adoption papers. My signature is already on
them. If Alexis wants to become his legal mother, she is a much
stronger person than I am, and I know she will give Jake the world. I
hope I didn’t ruin things between you two permanently. If you’re
not back together yet, try harder. Try harder than I ever did to be a
mother.

I’ll always love my son, but his life will be so rich with you.

Heather

Tears are in my eyes
before I can finish reading. Not for me, or for the way my life is
going to be different from this moment on, but for my son whose
mother is giving up. For the kid who has been through enough this
past year and doesn’t deserve this. I glance back at his unaware
and innocently sleeping face.

How
could his mother do this to him?

I flick the light off
as I exit his room. Everything is about to change, and out of all the
people I have right now that I can call, the one person I want it to
be still isn’t speaking to me.

Alexis

He’s right there.
Just across the hall. Ten steps, maximum. All I have to do is walk
out my door and knock on his and tell him I’m sorry and I’m
wrong. My hand rests above the door knob; I can’t decide what to
do.

I know this is what I
want to do and that it’s what I need to do, yet somehow I can’t
do it. Something keeps telling me today isn’t a good day to tell
him. Another part of me keeps reminding myself that if I don’t suck
it up and do it right now, I may lose my chance, or worse, convince
myself yet again to do the wrong thing. I don’t want either of
those.

With a deep breath in
and out, I turn the knob. Conner steps out of his apartment the same
moment, holding Jake’s backpack in his hand. I’ve noticed that
Jake has been here the last few days. The look of frustration on his
face and the circles under his eyes go straight to my heart. I want
to hold him, tell him how sorry I am, and offer to help with whatever
he has going on. My not knowing what I want has affected him more
deeply than I thought. I hope I’m not too late.

I stand there, waiting
for him to say something as we stare at each other. He doesn’t
though, and his phone interrupts whatever moment we were having. His
eyes widen and he quickly moves to grab it, switching Jake’s
backpack to the other hand as he answers.

“I’m on my way, I
swear it,” he says, not waiting for a reply and placing the phone
back into his jeans. “Jake, let’s go,” he hollers into the
apartment.

“Is everything okay?”
I ask. He’s more flustered than usual, and it’s selfish of me to
assume that his appearance is solely because of me.

“No, we’re just
running late,” he answers softly, glancing back into his apartment.
He then drops the backpack and steps back through the door, leaving
it wide open. I step toward it.

“Jake, what are you
doing?” I hear him ask.

“I can’t find
Donny,” Jake’s small voice answers in a panic.

“We can find him
later,” Conner says.

“Noooo,” Jakes
cries out. “We have to find him now.”

I hear Conner’s
aggravated sigh, followed by the sounds of Jake’s toy buckets being
moved around. “Where did you last have it?”

Their conversation
grows louder as I step inside to help. When Jake napped, he would
always leave Donny under the blanket he used on the couch. I lift the
same brown and gold tie blanket he always uses and, sure enough, the
stuffed green turtle is resting right underneath it.

“He’s right here,”
I call out to them and Jake comes running, pure excitement on his
face as he rounds the corner into the living room.

“Alex!” he screams
and crashes into my legs, hugging them tightly. I smile and bend
over, doing my best to hug him back.

“Thank you,”
Conner’s voice catches my attention. He’s standing right in front
of me. My eyes lock with his for a brief moment before he squats to
help Jake tie his shoes.

“I don’t want this
to come off as rude, but Jake and I are sort of in a hurry, so—”

“Oh yeah, it’s not
a problem.” I turn for the door.

“Are you coming back
tonight?” Jake asks, looking down to line up the zipper on his
jacket.

“I’m sure she has
other things to do, bud,” Conner answers for me, and that’s when
it occurs to me that I’m too late. He didn’t look at me with
hopeful eyes or ask me himself. He just dismissed it like he doesn’t
care to hear what I had to say. Which is fair; it’s what I’ve
been doing to him the last few weeks.

I nod, forcing a smile
over the tears that want to fall.

We all step through the
door and Jake grabs his backpack.

“I go to Nanna’s
now while Dad is working. It’s part of our new team.”

“Routine,” Conner
says. “Not new team.”

“Oh yeah, that.”
Jake smiles, rolls his eyes, and is out the door.

I want to ask Conner
more, but he follows Jake outside without another word. I close the
door behind me and sink to the floor. The tears come uncontrollably
as I face the facts: I ruined everything we had.

* * *

Work is slow when I
make it to the gym later. Slow sucks because that means I have more
time to let my mind dwell on everything I could have done
differently.

I walk by the windows
in the cardio room, noticing the rain has picked up, turning what was
a bright and sunny day into a gloomy one. It’s like my life right
now. I had hope this morning and now I just feel out of sorts. Great,
what’s next? The treadmill represents the never-ending road of
sadness that lies ahead?

Yeah, I need to get out
of this area.

At the front desk, Abby
is folding towels. I join her, not saying a word. If anyone has
enjoyed what’s going on between me and Conner, it’s her.

I’m two towels in and
she sighs. I ignore it. Another towel later, she sighs again, this
time louder.

“What?” I ask,
irritated.

“Oh, nothing.”

“Clearly it’s
something,” I say. She better spit it out before I snap and say
something I could regret later after I’ve been fired.

“Alright, but it has
more to do with you than me,” she says, continuing to fold. Me,
however, I’ve got my arms crossed and my hip resting against the
counter as I look at her.

“I’m the reason
you’re sighing rudely?”

“Rudely? I needed a
reason to get you to talk to me because you haven’t said one word
to me since you got here.”

“Didn’t know it was
part of my job.”

“Fine, I know I’m
not your favorite person and you won’t like what I’m about to
say, but you need to hear me out.”

“I don’t have to do
anything.”

“Please.” Her voice
changes to one of pleading and the look in her eyes is actually
sincere.

“Fine.”

“You know my past and
you know how I feel about Conner.” I turn to leave, but she grabs
my arm. “But,” she practically yells, “I also know him well
enough to know that he’s in love with you, not me. That the only
person he wants is you, not me. And that the only person he needs
right now is you, not me.”

I swallow back even
more tears and avoid looking at her. She didn’t see him dismiss me
today. I should tell her that she’s wrong, because he clearly
doesn’t want me anymore, but I’m not ready to accept it yet and I
sure don’t want her thinking that in time she can swoop in and be
the woman he needs.

“You may not believe
me, but I work with him, too, you know. The two of you are acting in
the exact depressed, life-is-over way, and if working two jobs isn’t
bad enough, having people around to bum me out makes it even worse.”

“I’m not
depressed,” I say, making a sad attempt to disagree with her.

“You
are
and he
is
, so do
something about it. And do it soon because the chance to be happy and
in love doesn’t just happen to anyone.”

I let her words sink
in. Is she talking about herself? Is that why she wants what she
can’t have, because she wants to be happy and in love? She resumes
folding without looking at me again. After I watch her for good
minute, waiting for an action or facial expression to give me more of
an idea what she’s thinking. She doesn’t give anything away so I
grab another towel.

“Thank you” is all
I say, and that’s the last we talk about me and Conner for the
night.

To
be happy and in love.

Conner didn’t give up
after one attempt to talk to me and I shouldn’t either. When I get
home tonight, I’m going to his apartment to demand we have a real
conversation. And if that doesn’t work, I’ll go to him every day
until he figures it out, just like he did all those times with me. I
love him, too, and it’s about time he knew.

Conner

All evening I’ve been
watching The Weather Channel. It’s been a downpour since the moment
I left for work. Driving to pick up Jake after my shift—I worked
the early one—it was hard to see with the rain beating against the
window. Now it’s just after ten at night, dark, the roads are more
than likely slick with the drop in temperature, and Alex still isn’t
home.