Just Roll With It: a Just Us novel (16 page)

"Bee." I ignore him. "Hey, Bee, it's me. Look at me, will ya? What the hell happened here?" Enzo somehow comes across sounding soft and angry at the same time. His voice sounds so ambiguous it's funny. Not ha-ha funny, but for some reason, all I can do is laugh. And cry, and laugh.

I finally look up at him through my hysterics, and he's looking at me like I've lost my damn mind. He very well should because I actually might have.

After I give Enzo the rundown of the events which led to my ending up on the ground with a broken ankle, he crosses his arms, crouches down until he's eye level with me, then blows out a whistle and responds with,

"I think you should delete your Facebook."

I go to school the next day in a brace and a pair of crutches. Enzo volunteered to walk with me to my classes so he can help carry my things. I knew he was really trying to help ward off any unwanted attention or harassment sure to come my way, but I'm having such a hard time with these stupid sticks I have to take him up on the offer.

On our way to the science class we're in together, we approach the set of staircases and I experience my very first panic attack.

Shit, she is gonna choke. I see it coming. The exact moment she fumbles. Her face goes white and her eyes are darting back and forth all over her papers. I'm not exactly sure what happened, but it looks like she's lost her spot. She was doing so goddamn good, too. For her, this one little thing is all it's going to take to annihilate her nerve. The stone in the lake causing ripple after ripple.

"The third page—I mean problem … with … the drug … is … that … well … um …"

I can't sit here and watch this happen to her. As much as I like to see her blush, this isn't the way I'd want it to happen. Something comes over me and I stand up out of my seat and make a beeline for Bug. I don't have a plan for what the fuck I'm doing exactly, but she needed me so I put my arm around her shoulders and give the class my best charming smile.

I nod toward Weiss, "Will you all excuse us for a moment please? We seem to have a minor
marijuana
crisis that we need to
hash
out." 

He walks me out into the hallway, but I am still in a state of shock. My heart is beating so fast my ribs hurt. The squeezing in my chest makes me unable to breathe. My entire body is shaking, and I am hot, so hot.

The hallway begins to spin, and I know what comes next, I am going to pass out. I wonder to myself, as the darkness creeps in, if he will catch me.

As my legs turn to lead, I feel him begin to shake me and the dark edges retreat as I start to come out of a state of numbness to the sound of his deep beautiful voice. The sound is blurry at first, like I'm hearing him from under water, but then it becomes clear.

"Rigbee, come back to me! You need to snap out of it. Now."

My eyes are focusing, and I seem to be standing on my own now.

"There she is, there's my girl. All right, what exactly happened?"

"Third page missing," is about all I can mumble.

Meanwhile, he grabs the stack of papers we've gone over a hundred times out of my hand and goes through them.

"There." He hands them back. "They were slightly out of order is all, page three was stuck behind page five. Back in sequential succession, all is right with the world and we can get back in there."

"No, it's not! You are out of your ever-loving mind if you think I am going back up there!"

"Babe … Bug, I'll go up there with if you need me to, but I'm telling you, you got this."

"I've already made a complete fool out of myself!" I put my hand on my chest as my airways constrict again.

"Oh, please, you have no idea what making a fool out of yourself is, because trust me, what just happened is not it."

"I'm scared," I admit in a whisper.

"I know. It's okay to be scared. But, most of your fear will dissolve if you, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, stop overthinking every little thing and calm the fuck down."

I'm hunched over and trying my best to breathe, but I still find the energy to tilt my head up and give him a dirty look.

"You're only scared because you're about to do something out of your comfort zone. You can't be brave without first being scared. Remember the thing you said to me? You have to do something you've never done in order to get something you want that you don't have."

"Well, you paraphrased the spark right out of it, but yes, you got the basic concept."

"Your words apply to the current situation too. You can't pick and choose if the ideal is important to you based on which situation you find yourself in. You either believe in it or not, so follow through. No half-assing your philosophies, babe."

"But how am I supposed to get up in front of the class and give a speech? What was I doing thinking I could? I still use my fingers to count out math problems and sing the alphabet out loud to figure out which letters come next! I'm that person. Plus, what if everyone laughs at me when I walk back in there? I can't handle the humiliation."

"You were kicking ass until your pages got mixed up, that is all. Forget about the pricks who would laugh about that and march your cute ass in there and fucking own that shit."

He turns me around and slaps my butt. As much as I like it, I still turn back around to look at him.

"I can't own it. I don't have anything to own, you don't understand, I—"

"No,
you
don't. I already put your pages back in order, I told you."

"No, I mean, I have an issue you don't understand or even know about, and I didn't want to tell you, but I didn't want this to happen and I—"

He puts a hand up to stop my rambling, and then touches my cheek to brush a hair away from my eye.

"You mean your anxiety? We can work with that. You're not alone anymore. We do things together. That's what a relationship is.
We
. Which means I go through all of the crap alongside of you, and I am more than happy to do it."

He starts toward the door but stops when he notices I haven't moved. I stand there staring at him, dumbfounded.

"You know about my problem?" I whimper in panic.

He steps to me, puts his hands on my shoulders and gives a soft squeeze.

"Of course. What kind of boyfriend would I be if I didn't? I notice more than you realize, and I know more than you think. Just because I didn't say anything does not mean I didn't know. I figured you didn't talk about it for a reason, so I didn't bring it up."

"Why are you acting like it's no big deal?" I ask.

"Because it isn't."

If only he knew the extent.

"Yes, it is, panic has practically controlled my life!"

"We are going to make sure that doesn't happen anymore. Peel that panic mask off and throw it in the goddamn garbage. Flaunt your real face because yours is the beautiful one I see when I look at you, and more people should get the honor. You need to accept yourself the way you happen to be. Did you ever stop to think maybe, just maybe, you were already pretty awesome? You. Are. Awesome. But you can't be awesome and masked. Pick one."

"I have been purposely not telling you things, and you're still being so nice about this. Why?"

"Oh, you know. I want to get an A in class." I take a step back and slip out of his hold.

"I'm
kidding
," he says. "Believe it or not, I care, a lot. I'm trying out this new tender-heartedness thing. You know, practicing. Gotta make sure acting like a complete pussy works for me." I roll my eyes and he winks. "Now get back in there and finish your speech so I can do mine, will you?"

"Can I put my mask back on for the rest of the speech at least?" I give him my best eyelash batting and pouty bottom lip look.

"What? No! Who do you think you are, Batman? Now go in there and be yourself. Unless you can be Batman, in which case …"

"Always be Batman," I finish the quote for him.

Later the same night, I am relaxing in my bed with Roman behind me rubbing my shoulders. His touch feels so good on me, my body softens in his hands like butter.

"I'm proud of you," he says softly in my ear.

"You shouldn't be. I had a complete meltdown, I almost passed out. I had to leave the class in the middle of my speech. You had to talk me back into the room. I embarrassed us both, really. And to top it off, you found out I was trying to hide something from you you already knew about. Now, I know where you came from all of your teachers let shit slide, but here in the real world, definitely not what a successful day sounds like."

He rolls me over to face him. "You are the same person now you were before you found out I knew. I liked you even before I knew you had some quirks, and I like you now. The truth is, you make me happy, and laugh. It sounds like a line, but you're different than most girls. You're awkward, and smart, and yes a little crazy. But, Bug, being in the same room with you, looking at you … Fuck, even just getting a text before bed from you makes my day that much better."

"It's a good thing I asked you out then, huh?" I smirk.

"Oh, hell no. I asked you out. Trust me, I remember it clearly."

"You may have asked me to be your girlfriend, but I was definitely the one to approach you first."

"We were walking on a sidewalk in oncoming directions! We were equally approaching each other. Doesn't count."

"When I asked you to coffee during break?" I remind him.

"You mean when you asked me
and
Martin
and the
big guy behind you to coffee during break? Yeah, no. Doesn't count, either."

"C'mon, you know you would've been too shy to initiate it first. I even told you I was attracted to you first, that took lady balls, you know."

"I wasn't shy. I was … just …" He hesitates while he puts a finger to his chin and goes Thinker Man on me again. "I was holding back so I wouldn't intimidate you."

"No! You are shy! Aww, Roman is a shy guy," I tease.

"Take it back." He fakes angry at me.

"Nope. True story."

"Take it back or I'll tickle you."

"You wouldn't dare!" I say with a finger in his face.

"Go ahead, underestimate me." He wiggles his eyebrows up and down in hopes I will take him up on the offer.

"Shy. Guy," I slowly pronounce each word as if it were its own sentence.

"That's it!"

He starts the fiercest round of tickling I believe I've ever experienced. I am thrashing around, no doubt in an ugly manner, in order to get him off of me. I am pinned down to the point of not moving, but what he doesn't know is my brain shuts off and I go into complete survival mode when I get tickled.

Mid thrash and my right foot connects with the spot where his stomach meets his chest. I feel my toes catch under his rib and then everything to happen afterward I see in slow motion. Roman gets kicked backward off my bed. His body folds over the edge in a full on back flip. He lands right on his head and falls forward, face to the floor.

"Oooouuch." He rubs his head and moans.

"Oh, Roman! I am
so
sorry! I did not mean to kick you I swear." I laugh.

"It's cool. Totally
un
barrassing," he says while crawling back up the bed. He leans in fast and lays a sloppy kiss on me. Throwing his arms around me, he grabs a tight hold and lays me back down.