Just What the Truth Is (17 page)

“Yes! Micah, yes!” I moaned and arched my back, raising my hips off the couch and pushing my cock into his hand.

“Missed this,” he whispered into my neck. “Missed you.”

After that, we were done talking. Our mouths fused together, our hips rolled, and we thrust in tandem, racing toward our quickly approaching orgasms. I got there first and cried out his name as I coated his hand with wet heat. He rubbed my seed onto his dick and gave himself another couple of strokes before his head flew back and his eyes closed.

“Ben!” His body shook as his cock pulsed thick, white release all over his stomach and chest. Then he collapsed against me and dropped his forehead onto my shoulder. “Damn, it’s good between us. So fucking good.” His voice was rough and sexy as hell.

“For me too,” I said softly and massaged his scalp. “What do I need to do to keep this, Micah, to keep you? What do you want?”

He raised his head and blue eyes locked with mine. His tongue came out and licked his swollen lips, and he furrowed his brow in thought.  “Everything. I want everything. But only if that’s what you want to give. I’m not gonna keep chasing you, Ben. I want you, but you have to want me too.”

A nervous laugh escaped, and I found myself snorting it back. Yeah, not a sexy move, but it made Micah smile. “I do want you. I want you more than anything or anyone I’ve ever wanted in my life. I promise that I’m done running away from you. If you really want everything, I’m all in.”

“All in, huh?” Twinkling eyes gazed at me with fondness. “No more acting like it’s just about sex or it’s completely casual between us? No more running away?” I nodded, and he arched one eyebrow. “Should I take a chance and ask what brought on this change?”

Was there any way to cling to a man without being clingy? Because I held onto Micah so tight in that moment I was worried he would think I was a freak and retract his invitation for everything. But verbal contracts were enforceable, we’d had a meeting of the minds, and I had accepted his offer, so that was binding as far as I was concerned. I wondered whether a good blow job would be considered acceptable compensation or whether it would make the contract voidable as against public policy.

Dear God, this wasn’t the bar exam. Time to get my head back into the game.

“You think maybe we can take a shower before I answer that question? It’s not so simple, and I’m in that stage where sticky is turning into itchy,” I responded.

As if my words made him realize he had the same problem, Micah started scratching at the drying cum on his stomach. “Yeah, okay. Good plan.” He climbed off my lap and pulled me to my feet. “We can conserve water and shower together. I’ll even wash your back.”

M
ICAH
was kneeling on his bathmat, nuzzling and licking my balls as he tenderly dried my legs. My growling stomach interrupted the festivities.

Micah kissed my belly and laughed. “All right, all right. I can take a hint.” He got to his feet and quickly dried the rest of my body. “Come on, I’ll feed you.”

I kissed his cheek and pulled him in for a quick hug. “Thank you.”

We hung our towels and walked out of his bathroom into the bedroom. Micah immediately headed for the door, but then he stopped and turned around. “Sorry, forgot about pants. Hold on, I’ll get a pair of sweats or something for both of us.”

“No, don’t,” I snapped, sounding much harsher than I intended. “I mean, I like seeing you naked, and it’s just us here, so there’s no reason to get dressed.”

He tilted his head to the side and appraised me carefully, like he could somehow figure me out just from the surface. Clearly he didn’t realize my many layers of fucked-upness couldn’t be deciphered with mere human eyes. Even X-ray vision wouldn’t have done the job.

Eventually, he gaze softened and he walked over to me, grasping my hip with one hand and the nape of my neck with the other and pulling me tightly against him. “It’s always been just us here, honey, and you’ve never been comfortable being naked outside of this room unless we were fooling around.” He leaned his forehead against mine. “I’m not out to change you, Ben. I like you just the way you are.” A short pause, and then, “Well, just the way you are without the temper and the pushing me away. But we’ve already covered that. Please don’t feel like you need to do something that makes you uncomfortable for my sake.”

He was so wonderful, and I knew that I didn’t deserve him. But he seemed to want me, and I sure wasn’t going to point out that he was settling for less than he could get. No, I was going to hold on tight and fight like hell to keep him. Hey, I may show up a little late to the party, but once I get there, I’ve got the lampshade on my head and I’m dancin’ on the table.

“I guess I’m a bit uncomfortable, but I’m not doing it for your sake. I’m doing it for mine. I really do love looking at your body, and I’m done letting the voices in my head keep me from living my life.”

Oh, shit! Did I just tell him I heard voices? Dear God, I sounded like a total freak show. I mean, I
was
a total freak show, but that’s something I tried to keep under wraps.

“Man, the voices in your head sound pretty harsh.” He slapped my ass and then took my hand and pulled me toward the door. “No matter how perverted my thoughts get, the voices in my head tell me I’m perfectly normal.”

I laughed in relief. Yeah, I was keeping him, even if it meant that I hard to play hardball with those damn internal voices. I wasn’t going to drive away a man who understood me even when I didn’t understand myself, a man who made me feel safe and happy, a man I loved.

Chapter Sixteen

 “
A
LL
right, here we are,” Micah said as he pulled yet another container out of the microwave and set it in front of me. “It’s like a pupu platter of leftovers. With all of these bits and pieces, we should have enough food to fill us up.”

I spooned a couple of bites of lasagna, a little enchilada, and some General Tso’s chicken onto my plate. “Tomorrow we’re going to the grocery store. Between the two of us, we should be able to put together a meal or two. Maybe grilled chicken or hamburgers or something.”

Micah beamed. “Sounds good. It seems like too much effort to cook when it’s just for me, but if it’s for both of us….” He let his voice trail off and then took my free hand and squeezed it. “Are you ready to talk about earlier tonight?”

No, I wasn’t ready. I wanted Micah to think I was strong and confident and not an emotional wreck. But I was done hiding, and I wasn’t going to lie to him. Well, not anymore—I wasn’t going to lie to him
anymore
.

“I haven’t been completely honest with you,” I started slowly and looked at his face to gauge his reaction. True to form, he kept his expression unchanged. Damn, that man would be an asset in a high-pressure cross-examination. “The reason I got so angry when we were talking about you coming with me to my parents’ house is because they didn’t know about me, and I was scared they’d figure it out.” Okay, yeah, that made no sense whatsoever. I took a drink of water and tried again. “What I mean is, I wasn’t out. I told them that I’m gay today for the first time.”

The surprise and confusion in Micah’s eyes told me he hadn’t been expecting to hear that particular confession. Before he could say anything, I kept talking, needing to get it all out there. “Don’t get me wrong, they’re not bad people. It’s just that they have certain beliefs, and being gay doesn’t mesh with them.”

Micah nodded and took a bite of some sort of leftover beef dish. Well, I supposed he was giving me room to talk, so I did. I talked and Micah listened.

I told him about my childhood: “It was idyllic in a lot of ways—upper middle class upbringing, stay-at-home mom driving me to activities and leagues, a dad who played catch with me in the backyard, and a younger brother I loved. But in other ways, growing up was… numbing.

“I knew I was different from a really young age, and I always knew it was wrong. I don’t want you to think that my parents are like awful, hateful people or anything, because they’re really not. But their negative opinions about gay people were very clear from the things they said and the way they acted. And I was constantly afraid they’d figure out that I was one of
those people
. For a couple of years right after puberty hit, I even stopped having friends over because I was worried my parents would notice how I looked at other guys. It was exhausting, and I wanted so much to just be normal.”

I told him about my dating history: “I thought maybe if I ignored it or went out with girls, it’d just it’d go away. All that practice hiding in front of my family taught me some useful skills. Like if you smile a lot and make jokes, and if you’re good at sports and dress a certain way, people want to be around you. So I never had any problem making friends, never got into any trouble, never had trouble finding girls to date. My parents were happy, they were proud of me. And I was… well, I was getting by, I guess.”

And then we were done eating, the leftover containers were in the trash, the dishes were in the dishwasher, and we were on our way back to the bedroom. We crawled into bed and lay on our sides facing each other. Micah traced my ear, the curve of my cheek, and my jawline with his finger. “I owe you an apology, Ben,” he said tenderly. “I’m sorry.”

I sat up in surprise. “What do you mean?”

“I just assumed you were out. I should have realized you weren’t from some of the things you said and did. But I knew your brother before I’d ever met you, and Noah is just really, um, in your face, you know? About everything. I guess it never occurred to me that his brother would be—”

“A spineless wimp cowering in the closet,” I finished the sentence for him and slid onto my back, squeezing my eyes shut.

I felt the mattress shift and then Micah’s body moving over mine until he was straddling me with his knees on either side of my hips and his elbows next to my shoulders.

“No, honey. I don’t think you’re spineless. And I don’t think you’re a wimp.” He kissed my forehead, and I opened my eyes. “I get it, Ben,” he said. “I know what it’s like to deny it, to fight it, to try to change it. And I remember how scary it is when none of those things work and you finally have to admit to yourself that you like guys, that you’re gay and that you’re always going to be.”

“So what did you do?” I asked in a whisper. “How did you deal with it?”

He paused and dropped a kiss on my lips. “I realized that when I go to sleep at night, I’m the only one inside my head, so at the end of the day, I had to find a way to make myself someone I could stand or, in a perfect world, someone I could like. So I did the only thing I could do—I accepted it. It’s amazing how just that one thing is enough to make it a little better.”

I nodded because I understood. As emotionally draining and painful as the past twenty-four hours had been, there was also a big part of me that felt lighter somehow. Like just the act of telling my parents the truth had dissolved a heavy weight I had been carrying. “And then?” I asked.

“Well, then you just… you just live.” He stretched out until his legs were tangled with mine, our chests were pressed together, and our eyes lined up. “To paraphrase from one of my favorite musicals, ‘There are days when you’ll be faced with a whole lotta ugly from a never-ending parade of stupid.’ So it’s not always easy, but that’s life, right? You might lose some friends along the way, but you’ll also gain new ones. You might feel uncomfortable in certain places, but you’ll become part of a community with other people like us. And whatever happens, you’ll be you, the real you. And that right there is worth the price of admission.”

“That’s some pretty Zen talk for a bulldog litigator,” I teased.

“Well, we don’t want to let opposing counsel know that. Gotta keep them on their toes, so the whole Zen thing will be our little secret,” he said before leaning down and kissing me. Our tongues danced, our hips ground together, and our hands wandered. It felt amazing. “Hey, Ben,” Micah asked as he pulled back from yet another in a long lineup of breath-stealing kisses.

“Mmm-hmm,” I replied.

“Can I ask you something without you getting upset?” The way his nose was burrowing into my neck made it impossible for me to refuse.

“You can ask me anything. I’m an open book now. You just need to be careful about reading me at bedtime, because I have some pretty scary chapters.”

He chuckled softly and squeezed me tight. “When you said that you just came out today, what does that mean, exactly? I gather that you weren’t out to your family and that you weren’t out at work. But does that mean there haven’t been other guys except for me?”

I couldn’t stop the blush from spreading up my neck and over my cheeks, but it was a fair question, and I forced myself to answer it without getting defensive. “You’re the first guy I’ve ever been with. I, uh, fooled around a little after we broke up, but it wasn’t anything serious.”

He dipped his head and kissed me lightly. Then he peppered kisses along my jaw and sucked on my ear lobe. “Is that why you haven’t wanted to top me?” His voice was even deeper than usual, the roughness more pronounced. “I’ve been wondering why you always took things in a different direction when that came up.”