Justice (18 page)

Under the yellow glow
of his porch light, I fell asleep, shielded from wind by a giant potted banana plant, my stack of books warming my lap. What woke me was the turn of his key. From my nestled position, I opened my eyes and whispered a hi. He jerked his head around, eyes skating through air until they lowered and landed on my face. I started to get up, but he motioned me to stay down. He put a finger to his lips and said nothing.

Chris opened his front door, stepped inside, then shut me out. I waited, and finally he opened the door a crack and told me to crawl in through pitch darkness. Once inside, he turned on the light and I was allowed to stand. Glaring at me, he backed me against his front door and leaned his face an inch from mine. His voice was eerily soft.

“I told you I couldn’t see you anymore.”

I waited a beat, then said, “How’d it go?”

He didn’t react. Instead, he whispered, “I’m being watched. Who knows? The police might even have tapped the room. I’ve got to get you out of here before someone spots you. So this is what we’re going to do. I’ll leave here in five…maybe ten minutes. You wait another ten minutes after I’m gone. Then go over to the window,
imperceptibly
part the blackout drapes. If there’s a brown ’89 Cutlass still parked outside, you stay
put. When it leaves, you go to your car, go back home, and
never
come back. Understand?”

“I don’t have a car, Chris. I walked over here.”

His eyes glowed hot blue lights of anger. “You
walked
here?”

“It’s only a couple of miles. Besides, it was daylight when I started out.”

He spoke between clenched teeth, giving equal emphasis to each word. “Well, it isn’t daylight now.”

“This is true.”

He glanced at his watch. He talked more to himself than to me. “You can’t very well walk home now, can you?”

“This is also true.”

He blinked several times, his eyes lifting to the ceiling. I could almost hear him counting to himself. If he didn’t see me, I didn’t exist.

He spoke quietly and deliberately. “I
can’t
take you home, Terry. After I leave, you’re going to have to walk to the corner and call a cab.”

“My parents think I’m spending the night at Heidi’s house…we’ve been studying for finals together. They’d be pretty suspicious if I suddenly popped back up at one in the morning.”

Chris closed his eyes and opened them. He whispered, “Remember when I told you my uncle wouldn’t care if I loved you or not? I was wrong. He would care very much.” He paused, then said, “I’m in serious trouble with my uncle. If he finds out about you…” He blinked several times. “I don’t even want to think about it.”

I said, “Your engagement was called off?”

“Unfortunately, no. The marriage may have to be postponed if I do time. But for better or worse, she’ll wait for me. I’m trapped in prison or trapped in marriage…which a lot of people say is a similar experience.” He sighed. “How long have you been waiting for me?”

“Around seven hours. It’s all right. I made good use of the time by studying. Not that these finals mean much.
I’m already accepted into UCLA. Good grades would just round out my transcript nicely.” I stopped talking. “I’m sure that’s a major concern of yours right now.”

“I enjoy hearing you talk. Your voice is beautiful music. Are you hungry, Terry?”

I shook my head no. “I packed a sandwich. I figured it would take you a while. Not exactly seven hours but…”

He was about to speak but changed his mind.

“What?”

He shook his head. I took his hands.

“
Talk
to me, Chrissie. I want to
help
you.”

His smile was wistful. “My mom used to call me Chrissie.”

“So we have something in common. What happened at the police station? What’d your lawyers say?”

“It doesn’t matter. You take my bed. I’ll bunk out on the couch.” He turned and walked into his bedroom. I followed. He was in his closet, gathering up linens. I came over and touched his shoulder. He didn’t stiffen, but he didn’t turn around.

I said, “The questioning went bad?”

He didn’t answer me.

“Christopher,
please
?”

He straightened and faced me, arms filled with bedding. “Just go to sleep, Terry.”

“Didn’t you pass the test?”

His face held no expression other than fatigue. “Go to sleep. I’ll wake you in the morning. I’ll go out first, get my tail away from you. Then you leave for school.”

He shut the door behind me. I waited a moment, then followed him into the living room. He was setting up his makeshift bed on his sofa.

“You didn’t pass the lie-detector test, did you?”

“I passed.” He continued to spread out the sheets. “But that doesn’t mean my troubles are over. Because the fat lady sure ain’t singing.”

I was quiet.

He tucked his sheet in between the pillows and the frame of the couch. “That’s an expression—”

“I know that. Why are you still in trouble?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. Go to sleep.”

I didn’t move.

He softened his voice. “Please, Terry.”

I said, “You can sleep with me in the bed if you want.”

“I don’t want.”

“I mean just sleep. Why should I displace you?…Or I’ll sleep on the couch.”

“No.”

“Why not?”

“Terry, just get the fuck
out
of here.”

Although I was hurt, I shrugged and walked back to his bed. Since I was dressed in the Seattle grunge layered look, I had no trouble finding something to sleep in. I disrobed, stripping down to my underpants and T-shirt, then slipped between his sheets. They smelled wonderful…smelled like him. I curled into a ball, closed my eyes, and listened to the muffled thud of his footsteps. I was just about asleep when his clops grew rhythmic and louder. The door opened, a sliver of light quickly turned into a wedge. The door shut and once again I was encased in darkness. He came to the bed and sat on the edge, feeling for my hand. When he found it, he gave me a gentle squeeze.

“I’m sorry,” he said.

I said, “You break into my house less than twelve hours ago…beaten down…desperate for understanding. You tell me your innermost secrets, telling me you love me…goading me to
care
for you. Then when I show concern, you reject me.”

Silence.

I said, “Christopher,
why
did you come to my house?”

“To tell you I couldn’t see you anymore.”

“If you wanted me to stay away from you, you
shouldn’t have come at all. I was scared of you. I wouldn’t have gone near you. But after we talked, I felt for you. Now I feel foolish.”

Again, the room was quiet.

“You’re right,” Chris said. “I shouldn’t have come to see you. I told you I was selfish. I just wanted to see you one last time.” He paused. “I can’t believe you actually feel something toward me. I don’t deserve…”

His words faded in the air. I opened the covers. He hesitated, then slid inside. His shoes were off, but he was still fully clothed. He embraced me, seemingly oblivious to my scant dress except there was a bulge in his pants.

“Tell me what happened with the police,” I said.

He spoke softly. “The cop’s clever. He…twisted some of my words, threw me off balance. I said some things I shouldn’t have.”

“Like what?”

“The specifics aren’t important. What
is
important is the distortions. My own words can make me look bad.”

“But they didn’t arrest you, did they?”

He shook his head.

“Obviously they don’t have any evidence against you.”

“No, not yet.” Chris paused. “Maybe it would be better if they did. Get me away from my uncle. He’s livid. Pissed beyond belief. I’m fucked!”

He laughed but it was born from despair.

“I just got a sudden insight. When I shot my father, I pulled the right trigger but aimed it at the wrong head—”

“
Don’t
talk that way!”

He blew out air, but said nothing. As my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could discern the outlines of Chris’s face. We locked eyes for a moment. Then he closed his lids and we kissed. Soft and magical. His hands went under my T-shirt, which he eventually slipped over my head. He caressed me, his breathing slow and steady. He
took off his own T-shirt, leaving his crucifix around his neck. He undid his pants, removed them in one swift motion, then wrapped his legs around my hips. When I went for the last article of encumbrance, he jerked away and sat up.

“What the fuck am I
doing
?” He was panting. “I can’t sleep with you, Terry. God knows I want to, but I
can’t
. I can lie to
anyone
—you, Lorraine, Cheryl, the police…I can even lie to my own body well enough to pass a test. But I can’t lie to Joey. He reads me too well.”

He held his head.

“My uncle is crazed, not because of Cheryl but because he knows I’m in love with someone else. He’s worried somone’ll take me away from Lorraine. Course I’ve denied everything. But if my uncle finds out about you…Terry, he’s a vicious, vicious man. You’ve got to get out of here. Let me get dressed and get my tail off you—”

“No.”

“Terry—”

“
No
!” I pulled him back down and drew him to me, my hands passing over the rises and falls of his chest, playing with the chain of his crucifix. “I’m not a typical grungie, Chris. I’m not enamored of death. But it doesn’t scare me.”

“That’s because you’ve never seen death up close.”

“Not only have I seen it, I’ve
caused
it.”

He stared at me. “Teresa, you couldn’t seriously be
blaming
yourself for your mother’s death.”

“No, that’s my father’s department.”

I broke into tears.

“Christ…” He embraced me, rocked me. “You want me to pop him for you? I’m good at popping fathers.”

I talked through my tears. “Stop it.”

“I’m serious. I’d pop anyone for you.”

“I’m not interested in…popping my father, okay?”

“Whatever you want. I always said I was your pit bull. I’m a very loyal person. Beyond the point of logic.”

“I’m not afraid of your uncle.”

“That’s because you don’t know him. Luckily, I do. Nothing’s going to happen to you…if nothing happens between us.”

“You mean like sex?”

“I mean like sex. I’m going back to the couch now—”

“Since when is kissing sex?”

“No, Terry, kissing isn’t sex. But it leads to sex. I don’t trust myself.”

“I trust
myself
.” I traced the outline of his hips with my fingers. “You say no sex, it’s no sex. I’ll stop you.”

“It’s not that simple. In the heat of the moment—”

“I had a lot of heated moments with Daniel,” I interrupted. “But we never did it. Because when I say no, I mean no.”

He paused. “Why? What’d you do with Reiss?”

I threw my leg over his waist and pushed his hips against mine. “Stuff.”

“Like what?”

“Stuff in the backseat of his car…in the dark…we’d kiss…we’d touch.”

There was a short pause. Chris said, “Tell me more.”

I kissed his mouth softly. “Sometimes…sometimes we’d take our clothes off. Daniel kept a blanket in his car…we’d get under the blanket.” I slipped my fingers underneath the elastic of his underpants. “We’d touch each other.”

His breathing grew stronger, purposeful. I’d heard those sounds many times in the past.

“And?” he asked.

“Sometimes I’d let him rub against me…until he climaxed…and sometimes…sometimes I climaxed, too.”

He was quiet, his eyes boring into mine.

“You’re shocked,” I said.

“Surprised.” Gently, he began to rock against me. “He came on you?”

“Yes.”

“Where?”

I placed his hand between my groin and my inner thigh. “Around there.”

“He wore a glove?”

“No. Why should he?”

“Semen’s a liquid. Accidents happen.”

“Well, they didn’t.”

“And you came, too.”

“Yes.”

“You’re sure?”

I stared at him. “Yes, I’m sure. Why do you doubt me?”

“Just that…” His eyes took in mine. “Some girls think it’s the real thing…but it isn’t.”

“Well, I know the real thing.”

“You’ve done it to yourself?”

“Don’t be too subtle, Chris.”

He turned silent.

“Yes, I’ve done it to myself. So I know what it feels like. And it happened with Daniel. Not only once, but
lots
of times. And spare me your wounded look. Compared to your crowd, we did pretty minor stuff.”

“It’s not a peck on the cheek, Terry.”

“But it’s not sex.”

He stopped moving and thought a moment. “No, it’s not sex.” He raised his brow. “But it’s pretty damn close. Certainly sounds a lot more intimate than what Cheryl and I were doing.”

“That might be. We were both sober.”

“Thank you, Terry. After today, I really needed another knife in my heart.”

“You’re jealous—”

“Hell, yeah, I’m
jealous
! It
killed
me when you started dating Reiss. I wanted to strangle the little bastard.”

“Never seemed to bother you when I dated Bull.”

“You despised Bull. You were like…in pain…every time the jerk tried to touch you. No one could figure it out. Course I knew what you were doing. Using him to get to me.” His eyes lifted to the ceiling. “Jesus, I can’t believe you and Daniel…Reiss must have been good, huh?”

“No,
I
was good, huh?”

His laugh was full and genuine. “God, I’m an idiot.”

“No, just a pig.” I grew serious. “Actually, I must be the idiot to come here…knowing what you’re accused of. You’ve been deliberately vague with me, Christopher. I’ve thought back to our conversation this afternoon. I’ve replayed it in my head a thousand times. You’ve never, ever, explicitly told me yes or no.”

“You’ve never, ever, explicitly asked me. So ask me. I’ll tell you the truth.”

“I can’t.”

“So you’ll never know, will you?”

I was silent.

He said, “You know why you can’t ask me, angel? Because it would be a breach of trust. As soon as you ask me the question…it says to you…and to me…that you don’t trust me. Right now, you’d rather trust me than know the truth.”