Justice (5 page)

Rina realized
the bed was empty. Not an infrequent occurrence of late. Ever since Peter had returned home from New York, he’d been hit with bouts of insomnia. The nightstand clock read two
A.M.
Stomach still awash in sleep-laden nausea, Rina rose slowly from the bed, donned her robe, and slipped her feet into mules. Moving slowly through the darkened house, she found Peter seated at the kitchen table, fingers running through his mop of red hair, his shoulders hunched over the Formica top.

“What are you doing?”

Startled, Decker pivoted around to face her. “I didn’t hear you get up.”

She sat next to him. Immediately, Decker began stacking papers in front of him. Once they were piled up, he covered them with his elbows, hiding them from Rina’s eyes as if she were trying to cheat off him.

“Peter, what are you
doing
?”

“Just going over loose ends.”

“What loose ends?”

“Just business stuff. Not important.” He scooped up the papers and stood. “Come on. We’ll both go back to bed.”

Rina pointed to his chair. Decker sat back down. “Tell me the truth. Are you working on the shopping-bag rapist?”

Decker didn’t answer.

“Peter, just what do you hope to accomplish from three thousand miles away?”

“So what
should
I do? Sit by while this asshole picks off women? He got another one—”

“I’m aware of that—”

“Rina, I sat with my daughter and her friends for two friggin days. Hearing them cry…they may be women on the outside but inside they’re frightened little
children
. I spoke to Cindy this afternoon. This time,
she
wants to come home.”

“So she’s coming home?”

“I told her no.” Decker began to pace. “I told her, give it a little more time. Because if she comes home, the bastard wins. And what will that do to her psyche? Chased away by a phantom. Know what, Rina? He
is
winning!”

“It’s wretched, but—”

Decker blurted out, “You ask me what I can do three thousand miles away? The sad truth is nothing. But if it makes me feel better reading some detective’s case notes, then
indulge
me!”

Abruptly, he threw the papers across the room and looked at Rina.

“Do you think I did wrong by telling her to stay?” Decker began to pace again. “As her father, I really want her home. But I don’t want her to leave because someone is chasing her away. I raised her to feel she was strong enough to conquer the world. Now this SOB…” He sank back in his chair and rubbed his face. “I think I’m going
nuts
!”

Slowly Rina got up and began assembling the papers. She set them in front of her husband, then placed a kettle of water on the stove. “Do the police have
any
ideas?”

“They think it’s someone on the inside because he knows the secluded areas of the campus.
College
! Perfect breeding grounds for weirdos and perverts. You’ve got hyper-hormoned kids with poor judgment thrown to
gether unsupervised. Bastard rapist. He knows they’re easy fodder.”

“Cindy’s twenty-one.”

“When she cries in my arms, she’s a kid. I can’t stand this. Screw it! I’m sending her a plane ticket tomorrow—”

“Peter, you did the right thing by telling her to stay. You can’t protect her forever.”

“So I’ll protect her as long as I can.”

“If the monster strikes again, then you and she can reevaluate. In the meantime, if she can stick it out until he’s caught…handling this situation will give her a sense of mastery. That this maniac
didn’t
scare her away. Believe me, I know what it’s like to live in fear.”

The kettle began to boil. Rina brought out two mugs and made tea. Decker was quiet, remembering how they’d met. Rina had been a witness to a rape, Decker had been the cop assigned to the crime. During the course of the investigation, they had found out that Rina had been the intended victim. Even with that knowledge, Rina had held firm, refused to be scared away by a madman’s perversions. In the end, she had come away the better for it.

But this was his
daughter
.

“So you think I did the right thing?” Decker asked.

Rina placed a cup of ginger tea in front of her husband. “I think so, yes. Drink.”

“Okay, you’re a smart person.” Decker sipped boiling tea. “I’ll trust you.”

“Thank you.”

“I trust you, you trust me. Isn’t that what this whole thing’s about?”

“You mean love?”

“Yeah, love and the whole nine yards.”

“The whole nine yards?”

“You know what I mean. Love, marriage, kids, dogs, mortgages, responsibility, life—”

“Poor Peter. You’re feeling so burdened.”

“I’m not
feeling
burdened, I
am
burdened.”

Rina took his hand. “You want to go out to New York again?”

Decker shook his head no. “What does that say to Cindy? That every time there’s a crisis, Daddy’ll come to rescue her? No, I’ve got to let her deal with it and just pray for the best.” He looked at the kitchen clock. “Is it too early to say
Shacharit
?”

Rina thought a moment. There were entire sections of Talmud written about the permissible times to say the morning prayers. Rina looked at the kitchen clock. A little before three
A.M.

“It’s never too early or too late to pray. And Peter, add your own private wishes at the beginning of
Shemonah Esreh
. Ask Hashem specifically to look after Cindy, to watch over her and keep her safe. Make your requests as detailed as you want.”

Decker smiled. “I can do that?”

Rina smiled back. “You can do that.”

In the dead of night
,
I wrote letters to my grandparents, all the while growing even more aloof from my father and stepmother. Jean tried to cut through my secrecy with insipid stabs into my personal life. It became clear that she thought I was sequestering a boyfriend. I answered her politely, but revealed nothing. My father never even picked up on my change of attitude. To him, I was a house pet. As long as I was healthy and didn’t pee on the carpet, I was left to benign neglect.

The school week rocketed by. With Chris gone, I was back to walking home. On Tuesday, Bull—né Steve—Anderson met me at my locker after school and offered me a ride. The school’s star halfback, as did Chris, ran in the fast lane of booze, drugs, and sex. Steve was handsome and buffed with a con-man smile. He’d been cordial to me the year I’d tutored him. But beyond that, he had never given me a second glance.

On the lift home, I sensed a change—the wolfish way he looked at me. I sat rigidly in the passenger seat of his Camaro, showing scant interest in his conversation. When he parked in front of my house, he told me I needed to loosen up and have some fun. He invited me to a party that night. I declined, citing schoolwork. When I closed the door to my house, I turned the deadbolt.

The next day, when Steve saw me in the halls, he
acknowledged me with the barest of courtesy. I was relieved.

Chris called me up the following Friday morning. Hearing his voice sent ripples of pleasure down my spine. He wasn’t coming to school but he told me to come to his place tonight at the usual time.

I was weak-kneed when he answered the door that evening. He wore a black silk jacket over a black tee and faded jeans. His hair had been stepped in back, but it was long and loose in front. A gold crucifix hung from his neck. He took the lead-filled backpacks I was carrying.

“Welcome back,” I said.

“Thank you.” He hefted the book bags onto his kitchen counter. “These are heavy. Next time, just leave them in the car and I’ll get them for you.”

He poured me a cup of coffee and told me to take a seat. I pulled up a stool. “How’d your gig go?”

“Without a hitch,” he said. “I never have any problem with work. How’ve you been?”

“Fine. A little nervous actually.”

“Why’s that?”

“Mr. Hedding announced an orchestra test this Monday.”

“Which piece?”

“Brandenburg Number Two. I’m embarrassed to play in front of you.”

“Why?” He poured himself a shot of Scotch. “I’ve heard you play before.”

“Yeah, but now it’s different. I know you.”

“You see me struggling in my studies all the time. I’m not embarrassed. You shouldn’t be either.”

“But this is different.”

“Why?”

I leaned on my elbows. “Because my bad playing is so…visceral. It’s so…out there…public.”

“You never cared before.”

“Because I never had to look you in the eye afterward.”

Chris held a finger in the air, disappeared, then came back a moment later with a violin case. He took out the instrument, tuned it, then motioned me up from the stool.

“Play for me.”

He offered me the fiddle. I regarded it as if it were an evil talisman. “I don’t have the sheet music.”

He sat on his leather couch and sipped his drink. “Play what you know by heart.”

“I don’t know anything by heart.”

“So just draw the bow across the strings. Get a sound from it, all right?”

I sighed. I got As in orchestra only because I showed up on time and took all the tests. It was no reflection of my skill as a musician. Red-faced, I started bowing open strings. My hands were shaking. I made sounds akin to a strangling cat’s. I stopped and giggled, but Chris kept his expression flat.

“Keep going.”

“I know how sensitive your ear is. How can you stand it?”

“Keep going.”

I played the test piece as best I could by heart. I made mistakes. I sounded terrible. I was almost in tears. I kept waiting for him to grimace, but he sat stoically.

“Play it again.”

“Chris—”

“Play it again.”

“This is torture—”

“Play it again.”

I did. I sounded a bit better and Chris gave me a compliment to that effect. “Can I please stop now?” I asked.

Chris got up from the couch, took the violin.

“It’s a beautiful-sounding instrument,” I said. “I wish I could do it more justice. Why don’t
you
play the piece?”

He shrugged, tucked the violin under his chin, and came up with a concerto that was note-perfect as well as sound-perfect. I told him I hated him.

He smiled, put the violin away, then patted his jacket pockets. “Where’d I put…ah, here we go.” He pulled out a small wrapped package. “Maybe this’ll make you hate me less.” He handed it to me.

I looked at it, then at him.

“For
me
?”

“Yes, for you. Open it.”

I ripped open the paper. The box held a set of pearl studs for pierced ears. My eyes went from him, to the earrings, then back to him. “I don’t know what to say.”

“Thank you is fine. Try them on.”

I replaced my gold hoops with milk-white orbs. “How do they look?”

“They look beautiful. Rather, you look beautiful in them.”

“I don’t understand…” I lowered my eyes, then raised them to his face.

“What can I say, Terry?” Chris spoke softly. “You know I’m engaged to someone else. But the heart has a mind of its own.” He walked over to me and slipped his arms around my waist. “Do you love me, Terry?”

Without hesitation, I told him I did.

“I love you, too. So now what do we do?”

I leaned against his breast, soothed by his heartbeat. “I don’t know.”

He said, “Usually, when two people love each other, they express their love in intimate ways. But I can’t ask you to sleep with me. Because I’m going to marry someone else.”

“Do you want me to tell you that it’s okay?”

He held me tightly. “Is it okay?”

I didn’t answer him. He said, “Since we last saw each other, I haven’t been able to get you off my mind. And that’s saying a lot. Because I’m usually very good at compartmentalizing. I don’t want to sleep with you be
cause it will hurt you in the end. But there are other ways we can be intimate with each other.”

I lifted my head and met his eyes. He read my confusion.

“Let me draw you,” he said. “Completely.”

Completely. As in the nude. My heart started racing. I closed my eyes and buried myself in his embrace.

“Look at me, Terry,” he said. “Do you trust me?”

I opened my eyes but said nothing.

“Do you?” he repeated.

I smiled weakly. He picked up my hands and kissed my fingers. “Terry, I know what they’ve taught you, so I know what you’re feeling.” He placed my hand on his cheek. “Embarrassment, shame—”

“I’m not that pious anymore, Chris.” I pulled my hand away. “I haven’t been to confession in over six months.”

“But the crap’s still there, right?”

“It’s not crap.”

He waited. When I remained silent, he drew me close and said, “You know the Italians have it over the Irish in their Catholicism. I mean the guilt’s still there in the Italians, but they’re more…flexible. God, even my aunt Donna, who was an old, old-fashioned Catholic woman, could look the other way. She once caught me drawing these pictures.”

He smiled at the memory.

“Real explicit pictures…of guys and girls…. Anyway, I was thirteen and suicidal over my mother’s death. What else was I supposed to do?”

I hugged him hard.

Chris said, “The lady was smart. Know what she did?”

“What?”

“She took me to the Met. The art museum, not the opera house. We covered the place from top to bottom in a week. Mostly we concentrated on the religious art…lots of nudes in religious art, believe it or not.”

I nodded.

Chris whispered, “Terry, it changed my whole…image of what a human body was. From something hidden and shameful to something incredibly beautiful. My body is beautiful. Your body is beautiful. And I
want
it.”

I didn’t respond.

“Look, I’ll take you through it step by step. Anytime you want to stop, just cut the phone wires. I
swear
I’ll stop. Please do it for me.”

I bit my lip. “I’d do anything for you.”

Chris traced my profile with his left index finger—a preamble to his sketching. “I know what you’re giving me. Thank you for trusting me. I promise I won’t let you down.” He broke away and looked around the room. He rubbed the back of his neck. “Light’s probably better in here with the spots and all.” He faced me. “But I’d rather draw you in the bedroom. More personal that way.”

He took my hand and led me into his sleeping quarters. It also had a city-lights view and lots of built-in cabinets. Not a thing or an item appeared out of place. Not surprising. Because Chris was compulsive.

He hung up his jacket in his closet and pointed to his king-sized bed covered with a black quilt. “Just sit there for a moment. The cover will make a perfect backdrop. I want to get some auxiliary light.”

“Are you going to take photographs?” I asked.

“Nope. Just me and my charcoals.”

“What are you going to do with them?”

“The sketches?” Chris broke a smile. “Ah, little girl, what you don’t know. I’m going to
look
at them whenever I’m alone and lonely…which is often. Rest of the time they’ll be locked up and stowed away. I swear they’re for my eyes only. I’ll be back.”

He came back a minute later toting lamps, an easel filled with paper, art supplies, and a bottle of Chivas. He set his equipment down on the floor and poured himself
another drink. “Will Jean have a fit if you’re not home by a certain hour?”

“No,” I said. “My parents are out for the evening. Melissa’s sleeping over at a friend’s house. You can take your time.”

“Good.” He took about a half hour to set up. “Would you like some music before we start?”

“That’d be nice.”

Chris opened a drawer and pulled out a CD cartridge. “Let’s see what I’ve got loaded—Pearl Jam, Spin Doctors, Metallica, Crash Test Dummies, Greenday, Eric Johnson, Joe Satriani, Nicholas Gage, Yo Yo Ma, Jacqueline DuPres, Vivaldi’s
Four Seasons
…” He looked up. “That’s nice and light. How about that?”

I nodded. He put on the music and told me to move to the middle of the bed.

“Keep your clothes on for now. Just sit there like you’re doing, Terry. With your knees pressed to your chest and your shoulders hunched over like that. But keep your head up and look at me…to the left…perfect. Hold that position, all right?”

This was easy enough. He studied me, then started making swipes at his easel.

“Can I talk while you draw me?” I asked.

“Absolutely.” He looked at me, then back at his paper. “Say whatever’s on your mind.”

“Did you see Lorraine while you were back east?”

Preoccupied, he didn’t answer. He flipped over his preliminary sketch and started anew. “Yes, I saw Lorraine.”

“Were you on good terms with her?” I asked.

“Good terms?” He squinted at the paper. “Are you asking if I slept with her? Yes, I slept with her.”

I didn’t say anything.

“Look at me, Terry.”

I did.

“Ah, such anguish in those beautiful eyes.” Chris started on a fresh piece of paper. “I did it because it
was expected. Closed my eyes and imagined you. She means
nothing
to me. I’m not marrying Lorraine, I’m marrying her family. My uncle arranged the whole thing when I was fourteen.” His eyes went from me to his drawing. “Believe me, I’d get out of it if I could. But you don’t mess with my uncle without good reason.”

“But you don’t love her.”

“That’s not a good reason.” He stood back and studied his work. “It’s chilly in here. I’m going to turn up the heat. Give you a chance to strip down to your bra and panties without me staring at you. And sit in the same position. If your feet are cold, leave your socks on.”

He disappeared. Slowly I took off my sweater, jeans, and shoes. Barely clad, I rubbed my arms and shivered. When he came back in, he glanced at me, saw me shaking. Keeping his eyes averted, he draped a comforter over my shoulders.

I know what they’ve taught you so I know what you’re feeling
.

He knew
exactly
what I was feeling. Doing everything he could to make it easy on me, to make me feel beautiful. All the guilt, the shame…he was right. It was crap. I had to get past it. I couldn’t live with myself if I let him down.

“You can take the cover off whenever you want to.” Chris rubbed his hands and reviewed his pictures.

“Can I see?”

“When we’re done.”

I slowly let the comforter drop from my torso until it rested over my legs.

Chris took in my bare shoulders with his eyes. “Nice.” He began a new sketch. “That’s real nice. Look up, Ter.”

I raised my head. There was nothing lecherous in his eyes and that made me feel good. I said, “Why isn’t ‘you don’t love her’ a good reason?”

He started shading with his thumb. “You ever hear of Joseph Donatti?”

I scrunched up my forehead trying to attach the familiar name with an event.

“His murder trial made the national papers about four years back.” Chris’s fingers were black. “Before that, he’d been arrested for racketeering, extortion, bribery…uh, pandering and pushing…money laundering. Nothing ever stuck. Evidence got lost.”

I stared at him, openmouthed.

“He was acquitted in his murder trial, by the way. Witnesses either changed their stories or mysteriously disappeared.”

I remained silent, wondering if he was putting me on.

Chris spit into his hand, rubbed his palms together, and began working the moisture into the paper. “My uncle’s mob, Terry. And I don’t mean small-time hoods who’re cute movie characters. I mean
real
mob. Lorraine is a daughter of the mob. She’s from a rival family. Our engagement has bought both families a truce and lots of money. If you’re warm enough now, toss the comforter on the floor.”

Mechanically, I did what he asked. I was still dumbfounded by his recitation. It was his demeanor—as casual as an afternoon sail.