Justice Healed (15 page)

"I'm very glad you did.  That reminds me, Sheriff.  What are we going to do for your birthday?"

Since finding out his birthday was this week, she'd been trying to think of a present or something special they could do.  The problem was he seemed to be a man who had everything.  Or at least everything he needed.  She couldn't even think of something he didn't need but would like to have, other than to have a better relationship with his son.  She wasn't sure she could do anything there, and she wasn't one to stick her nose where it didn't belong. If he wanted her help with it, he'd ask.  Until then, she planned to butt out.

Tanner winced.  "Ignore it and maybe it will go away?  Honey, I'm going to be forty-five.  I outgrew balloons and ponies a long time ago.  Maybe we can just have a nice dinner or something."  His smile grew.  "I can think of a few 'or somethings' we can do.  If you're game."

Madison pretended to pout.  "You have to have cake.  And ice cream.  If not for yourself, think of others.  Like me, for instance."

"How about if I eat the cake off of you?"

That sounded like a good idea.  Maybe they could get some dessert to go from the restaurant tonight.  If something was worth doing, it was worth doing more than once.  Right?

"I can see you have a one track mind tonight."  She didn't mind.  She liked th
e fact that he wanted her all the time.  She sure as hell wanted him. 

Tanner laughed, the sound rich and deep.  "I guess I do.  I promise to behave."  He leaned forward.  "How about I call a few friends of mine and we can all go out to dinner and maybe some dancing on Friday night?  Will that ease your guilty conscious about my birthday?"

"Sort of.  It sounds fun and I'd like to meet some of your friends.  You've met most of mine."  She picked up her menu.  "Do we have to wait for Friday to do the cake thing?"

"Aw, honey.  We can do it after dinner."  Tanner was grinning.  "Your place or mine?"

"Yours.  My dad doesn't leave for Seattle until tomorrow."  The waitress appeared at their table to take their order.  Tanner ordered the rib eye medium with a baked potato.  Madison ordered the trout with a side of grilled vegetables. 

"Always so healthy.  I admire your restraint.  This place has the best steak in town."  Tanner sipped his coffee.  "I assure you my cholesterol is under control.  I promise.  How long will your dad be in Seattle?"

Madison played with the handle of her cup.  "About that.  Dad told me yesterday he's met a woman in Seattle.  He's in love."

Tanner's smile was immediately wiped away.  "Is that good or bad?"

"It's good.  I'm happy for him.  Really," she assured Tanner.  "I'm just going to miss him.  He's decided to move to Seattle.  She has a business there she can't leave."

"Didn't your dad ask you to come back to Montana?"  Tanner was looking less happy by the minute.

"He did.  He feels badly that he had me move back and now he's leaving.  He and I have been talking about this forever so I understand he couldn't predict how he was going to feel about someone."

There was a long stretch of silence before Tanner spoke.  "I'll just ask this straight out.  Are you planning to go back to Chicago, Maddie?"

Two salads slid in front of them, and the waitress offered fresh ground black pepper, which they both declined.  Madison picked up her fork and dug into the fresh greens.

"No."

Barely glancing down at the plate, Tanner sat back as if to take in her answer.  "No?  That was very simple and straightforward.  Was the decision difficult?"

Madison finished chewing and swallowed.  "No."  Did she look like she was ready to bolt?  She'd never been happier in her life. 

Irritation flashed across his features.  "Dammit, Maddie.  You're being kind of cruel here."

Madison frowned.  "How am I being cruel?  I answered your direct question with a direct answer.  What more do you want me to say?  Do you want me to say you're the reason I'm staying?"

He opened his mouth then shut it just as quickly.  It was clear from the sheepish look on his face that was exactly what he'd wanted her to say.  She felt a rush of emotion and something akin to relief.  She wasn't out on this limb all by herself.   He was traversing it right along with her.

"I was just wondering the reasons," he finally answered.  "You must have had friends in Chicago.  A life that you enjoyed."

She shook her head.  "Not much of one actually.  I worked.  All the time.  Seventy or eighty hours a week.  And don't get me wrong.  I loved it.  I had a few friends but rarely went out.  My friends were other doctors and they worked the same crazy schedules.  When I wasn't working, I was tired."  She placed her fork on the plate.  "I admit I wasn't sure about coming back to Springwood.  I had some pretty crappy memories of how other kids treated me.  But since I've been back, well, I've realized that people can change and grow.  I've made new friends and reconnected with others.  I don't want to leave.  This is home.  And yes, part of the reason this feels like home is you.  I'm happy.  You make me happy, Tanner."

His expression softened.  "You make me happy, too, Maddie.  Happier than I've been in years, if I were honest.  I'm not sure what you see in this old lawman but whatever it is, I'm grateful."

She swallowed the lump that had formed in her throat.  "I don't think you're old.  I think you're wonderful."

Tanner shook his head and picked up his fork.  "This is what's so great about you.  You simply say what you feel.  No beating around the bush.  No head games.  Just straight up truth."

Madison felt a twinge of guilt.  She hadn't told him the whole truth about starting to fall in love with him. 

"I think we're both past playing games," was all she said.  "Now tell me about these friends we're going to have dinner with on Friday."

"Wait until you meet Seth and Presley."  Tanner laughed.  "Presley runs circles around Seth, and all he can do is sit back and enjoy the show.  I'd like to invite Logan as well."

Tanner described his friends over dinner and Madison breathed a sigh of relief at just how close she had been to revealing her feelings for this man.  She wasn't quite ready yet.  There was still that niggling corner of her heart holding back.  It was the same part of her that still felt like that tall, gangly kid with braces and glasses. 

She really needed to get that girl under control.  She was starting to be a real pain in the butt.

Tanner filled his travel mug, yawning and stretching despite a shower and a fresh uniform.  After dinner last night, he'd convinced Maddie to come back to his place and share the dessert they'd ordered
to go.  He'd ended up licking that chocolate cake off her belly and breasts, which had led to even more pleasant pursuits for a few more hours.  He made a mental note to toss those chocolate covered sheets into the washer. 

He had been unable to persuade her to join him in the shower.  Instead she'd headed out before the sun was up like a guilty teenager sneaking home past curfew.  Maybe he could talk to her about moving in with him.

Consequently he was ass-dragging today.  Getting old was hell.  He remembered a time when he'd drink and party until three in the morning and get up at sunrise the same day back to work. 

He waited for the fear and trepidation to settle in his gut but they didn't come.  Being with Maddie was good and right.  He was grown up enough to know what he wanted and that was Maddie.  In his bed, in his life, and in his heart.  It was that simple.   

When she'd told him her father was moving to Seattle last night, for a moment he hadn't been able to breathe.  He'd been paralyzed with fear she would leave Springwood.  He'd just found her, but there was no way he could let her go.  He'd been about to declare he would move to Chicago when she'd calmly and succinctly told him she wasn't leaving.  So damn matter-of-fact.  But that was his Maddie and he wouldn't have her any other way.

He twisted the lid on the mug, shoved his keys in his pocket and looked for his hat.  Maddie had sent it flying last night as they'd left a trail of clothes all the way to the bedroom.  For someone who didn't have much experience, she was adventurous now that she was comfortable with him.  She'd also been the recipient of a stinging spanking that had turned her curvy bottom a pretty pink.  After that, he'd only had to touch her and she'd exploded. 

He found his hat tossed behind the couch and his coat on the chair.  Shrugging into the warm fleece, he pulled open the door and stopped in his tracks.  Chris's beat up old truck was pulling into his driveway.  Either Chris hadn't gotten drunk last night or he'd never gone to bed after the bars closed.  Peering closely at his son as he made his way out of the vehicle and up the driveway, Tanner decided that thankfully it was the former, although Chris didn't look too damn happy about being sober.  In fact, he looked downright miserable.

"Son?  Is everything okay?"  He doubted Chris would talk honestly with him, but Tanner would never give up on having a relationship with his progeny.

Chris stopped on the front porch, misery written in every line.  "Stacey filed for divorce."  His voice was choked, and he pulled a thick set of papers from his pocket, shoving them at Tanner.  "She's done.  She said she can't take anymore."

A sinking feeling in his stomach, he opened the door wider.  "
I’m sorry, Chris.  You better come in out of the cold."

"I've fucked everything up, Dad.  I don't know what to do."  His son's voice was filled with anguish and every parental instinct inside of Tanner reared up, wrapping a tight band around his heart.  He'd bear this pain if only his son didn't have to go through it.  He'd tried so hard to protect his children from the world, but every parent finds out that same thing.  For the most part, they're powerless. 

"Come in.  We'll have some coffee and we'll figure out what to do." 

This time Chris came inside, his shoulders hunched, his head hung down.  He followed Tanner into the kitchen and sat at the table, defeated.  This wasn't the same young man Tanner had raised.  Chris had been a star football player, popular in school, just as Tanner had been.  Perhaps Chris was too much like Tanner.  Chris had become rudderless after high school.  Hesitant to join the military with so much going on in the Middle East, he had wandered from job to job, eventually getting Stacey pregnant.  Tanner had hoped marrying Stacey would help, but the partying and drinking had only gotten worse.

He poured two cups of coffee and sat down at the table with Chris waiting for him to speak.

"You probably think I deserve this.  That I'm a lousy husband and father."  Chris didn't look at him when he spoke, simply picking up his coffee cup.

"Chris, you're a grown man.  It no longer matters what I think.  It only matters what you think."

Chris finally looked up, his chin trembling.  "I think I fucked up.  I don't want to lose Stacey and Annie.  I love them."  He looked away for a moment and then back.  "Did you ever get scared you might lose us?"

Fathers were supposed to be pillars of strength for their children.  How could Tanner even begin to explain the fear that had plagued him the lion's share of his life?  The fear of never being good enough.  It was that fear that drove him to be a star quarterback, a star soldier, a star deputy.  It was only when he faced that fear he'd been able to stop drinking.

He didn't worry about being good enough anymore.  Whatever he was, it would have to be good enough for the people around him.  That was what was so special about Maddie.  She never left him in any doubt he was enough for her.

"I did lose you, Chris.  Every time you turned away with scorn, disgust, and even hate, I died a little inside.  The pain of losing your respect will never go away.  I'm sorry I failed you, son."

It was hard to get the last words out through the lump in his throat.  He would probably never get another chance to talk to Chris this openly.  He wouldn't waste it.

To Tanner's surprise, Chris's eyes were bright with tears.  "I don't hate you.  I'm mad at you."

A shudder of relief ran through Tanner.  "Well, that's a start.  What are you mad about?"

A few tears spilled over.  "You didn't love us enough to stop drinking.  By the time you did, it seemed like you didn't do it for us.  You did it for you."

He put his hands on his son's shoulders, shaking him a little.  He'd stopped drinking for a myriad of reasons, and yes, one of them was for himself.  But his family had always been uppermost in his mind. 

"My drinking never had anything to do with how much I loved you.  I'd give my life for you, Chris."

He shrugged.  "Sure, now that you're sober." 

"Then," Tanner insisted.  "You're still drinking.  Think you'll love Annie more when you don't?  Alcoholism doesn't have anything to do with how much I loved you, Chris.  It had to do with my own demons."

Chris's gaze met Tanner's.  "How do I get rid of my demons?  Why do I drink to feel better, but then I only feel better for awhile?  Then I drink again.  Fuck, I don't want to do this anymore.  I need help.  I need Stacey and Annie back."

"You have to show them you're serious about getting sober.  Can you do that, son?"

Tanner held his breath, his heart beating fast.  More than anything, he wanted to heal the wounds Chris kept inflicting on himself and make him a happy person again.  Tanner needed his children to lead a life with joy.  There would be hurt and disappointment.  He couldn't protect them from everything, but he could help get
them on the right road.

Chris nodded.  "I want to.  More than anything.  I don't want to live like this."

I don't want to live like this.

Tanner remembered those very same words coming out of his own mouth ten years ago.  He swallowed hard and gave Chris's shoulder a squeeze.

"First we'll get you a sponsor in AA.  Someone to help you.  Then we'll drive over to Stacey's parents and talk to her about what you're doing to put your life together.  Speak from the heart and she'll know you're sincere."

Chris shook his head.  "She's not there.  I called her cell
.  She's in Arizona with Grandma and Grandpa."

While Stacey had not got
ten along with Abbey, Tanner's parents were another story.  They loved Stacey like their own granddaughter and Annie was their treasure.  It was no surprise Stacey had gone to them when the going got tough. 

Suddenly he remembered a conversation with his father about a drug and alcohol rehabilitation center near their winter home.  They'd even discussed sending Chris there to dry out.  Tanner took a deep breath, hesitant to bring it up, but knowing it would accomplish two goals.

One, Chris would be getting the help he needed.

Two, he would be out of Springwood and Fenton's influence.

"You know, your grandpa mentioned they have a day program at a nearby rehab center.  Would you consider going down there, staying with your grandparents, and attending the program?"

"I can't," Chris replied, shaking his head.  "I can't lose another job.  Besides, those programs cost money.  I sure as hell don't have any."

Tanner scraped a hand down his face.  "I'll pay for it.  As for your job, honestly, I don't like you working for Fenton.  When you were a kid, you said you wanted to be a deputy.  Were you just kidding or is that something you still want?  I have an opening and if you get straight and sober, I'll give you a chance."

Tanner wasn't made of money, but if he had to work an extra year before he retired it would be completely worth it.  Fuck, he'd work until he dropped for his children. 

Chris's eyes widened.  "You mean it?  Really, Dad?  I never thought you'd give me a chance."

"If you don't want to work for me, and I could understand why you wouldn't," Tanner replied, "I can talk to some of my
sheriff friends in nearby towns.  They might be able to hire you.  Keeping a good deputy is tough."

"I'll work hard, Dad.  I promise."  For the first time in a long
while Tanner saw hope in his son's expression. 

"First thing, I'll call your
grandpa.  Then you can talk to Stacey.  Tell her what we've talked about and see if she's open to you coming down there for a month or two."

"That long?  What about everything here?"

"What's here that's more important than your family and your health?"

Chris straightened up.  "Nothing, I guess, when you say it like that.  It just seems too easy."

"It won't be."  Tanner shook his head.  "It will be the hardest thing you've ever done, getting sober and building back the trust you've lost with Stacey.  It will be work and it will take time.  It won't happen in a few weeks or even a few months."

"What if I drink again?"  Chris's lips were turned down and he looked so much like the little boy Tanner remembered. 

"You might.  But you are in charge, Chris.  If you drink again, then you start your sobriety all over.  And you keep doing that until one day you get ready for bed and realize you didn't crave a drink that day.  Those are the good days.  The bad days are going to be hell.  But if you slip, you just get back on that horse.  Just like when you were a kid and you would fall off of Lightning."

His son smiled.  "I never fell off of Lightning.  That was the meanest damn horse that ever lived.  He would throw us off and then laugh about it."

Tanner laughed.  "He was an ornery thing.  He did seem to take too much pleasure when anyone flew over his head.  But the point is you didn't let him win, did you?  You got right back up on him and rode him."

"Do you ever want to drink, Dad?  Do you still think about it after all this time?"

Tanner knew what Chris wanted to hear, but lying wasn't something Tanner did with a clear conscience.

"Every now and then when life seems to be tough, I think about taking a drink."  He exhaled slowly, wanting to make sure he said this just right.  "But then I remember what alcohol did to my life and how much better it is now.  I don't even like the smell of booze anymore.  It makes me physically ill.  I doubt I could even keep a drink down after all these years.  In my mind I've associated it with everything bad in my life.  So the answer is every now and then.  But as time passes it's less and less.  Shit, it was probably over a year ago the last time I thought about it
, and then only for a minute.  I want to live more than I want to drink."

Chris nodded, apparently accepting Tanner's answer.  "What do I do now?"

He reached for the phone in his pocket.  "Let's call your grandparents.  Make arrangements for you.  Then you can call your mom and let her know you're going to Arizona."

Chris was clearly relieved, the color coming back into his skin.  "Thank you, Dad."

"You’re welcome, son."  Tanner choked out the words, the love he felt squeezing his heart.  His own father had told him but it was really brought home at this moment.  You never stop being a parent no matter how old your children are.

Tanner dialed his parents and felt a sprout of happiness inside him start to grow.  Emily was in Billings, Chris would be going to Arizona.  Now the only issue was Abby.

How would he get Abby away from Fenton?

* * * *

Madison bustled into the coffee shop and hurried toward the table where Sherry was waiting.  She and Madison were going to catch up since they hadn't seen each other since Sunday before their flights.  Madison's father was taking the patients this morning since he was leaving for Seattle in the afternoon. 

Madison shrugged off her coat, draping
it over an empty chair.  "I just need to order my coffee."