Justin Bieber (20 page)

“Dude, you come to a complete stop and then turn,” said Scooter.

“What? That’s bull! Nobody ever comes to a complete stop.”

“Well, they’re supposed to.”

“You never stop.”

“Yes, I do. I always stop.”

“Dude, I’ve been in the car with you ten million times, and never once did you come to a complete stop before turning right.”

“That’s true, man,” Kenny said helpfully. “You never stop, Scooter.”

“Well, that’s – I’m just – okay, but it doesn’t matter what I do,” said Scooter. “What matters is the law, and the law is that you
come to a complete stop, and now you know that. You’ll take the test again, and maybe take a look at the book next time.”

I shoved the paper back in my pocket, thinking, Dang! Why didn’t I study for the freakin’ test? But out loud, I said, “This is bull, man. This blows.”

“I know,” said Scooter. “I failed it my first time, too.”

“I failed it three times,” said Kenny. “Fourth time was the charm.”

Scooter and I looked at him for a minute, and then we all fell out laughing our heads off.

“Four times,” said Scooter. “I admire your tenacity, Kenny. If that was me I’d still be riding a bicycle.”

We couldn’t stop laughing. I guess the lesson I learned from that day is that no matter how bad I think things might be, there’s always some laughter at the end of the road. You’ve just got to look for it.

I took the test thirty days later and got the permit, so it was cool in the end, but what was not cool was my voice when I woke up the morning after yelling at traffic in the rain. I could hardly talk, let alone sing. I could barely croak. Any time I get sick or my voice gets wrecked from horsing around at a party or screaming my lungs out at a basketball or hockey game, everybody acts like it’s the end of the world. Mama Jan comes in and takes over.

“Voice rest. Not a word.”

She lays down the law, and she’s not kidding. I’m not allowed to talk or sing at all until she says it’s okay. Then she works with me like a drill sergeant until everything’s back to normal. Meanwhile, Scooter and his team have to scramble around and reschedule everything I was supposed to be doing as far as interviews or recording or anything like that is concerned.

This particular time, I was supposed to have done this celebrity playlist thing for YouTube, and the person we’d promised to do it for was kind of bent out of shape when Scooter called to tell her it wasn’t happening. We were coming up on the release date for
My World 2.0,
and we needed everyone in our corner, so Scooter told her, “It’s cool. We’ll work something out.”

Later that day, he came over and said, “Here’s what we’re gonna do. You know how kung fu movies are dubbed over in
English? Like the skinny little guy’s mouth is moving and this big, growling voice is coming out, but it doesn’t match up. You just sit there in the chair and move your lips, and I’ll do the voice.”

“Yeah, man, that’s—”

“Shut up! No talking.”

“But what are you going to say?”

“I’ve got the list you made. I’ll just come up with something.”

I nodded. A rep from Def Jam set up the camera, and I parked myself in a chair across the room from Scooter, who had my playlist of favorite videos in hand. On cue, I made a kung foo face and moved my mouth, and Scooter did his growling voiceover.

“Thank you for watching the premiere of my new video ‘Never Let You Go.’ Now we will go to my celebrity playlist. Number one, you’ve already seen it. ‘Never Let You Go.’ The next video... ah, the great CHUCK NORRIS, roundhouse kicking champion. He’s fighting a bear. Who fights a bear? Only CHUCK NORRIS. The bear ran away. I love this video. Next video. Cody crying. Ah, young Padawan Cody. She cried because she could not see me the entire day. I met her later on. You can find that on YouTube, too, but, for now, watch her cry. Crying is music to my ears. The next video... hold on. Let me remember what it is.”

Scooter looked at the list but couldn’t read my sloppy
handwriting. He showed it to the rep and said, “What is it?”

She managed to squeak, “Legaci.” On camera, I was dying, trying not to laugh.

“Ah. The next video is my new background singers, Legaci. They were discovered by me, Justin Bieber, by singing my song ‘Baby.’ Check them out. It’s actually pretty good. I like them. I will not slay them.”

The rep and I cracked up laughing, so we had to stop for a minute.

“Dude, no laughing,” Scooter said. “Knock it off.”

“Okay. I’m good.”

“No talking!”

“Fine!”

“Shut up!”

I rolled my eyes, and the rep started recording again.

“Hi. I am Justin Bieber, and I am back. I was just working out.”

I started to lose it again, but Scooter was looking at me like Do. Not. Laugh.

“I’m going to give you one more great video for my celebrity playlist. This one is of the biggest snakes in the world. It is a great video. Watch it till the end. It will slay you. Now. Make sure you buy my new album,
My World part 2.0.
It is... the ish. Get out of my face. I am Justin Bieber. The master. Vlaaaugh!”

Cut. Cut. Cut. We were laughing so hard.

Sorry, Mama Jan, I couldn’t help it. That was awesome.

As much as we love to punk each other, we laugh a lot about the crazy stuff that gets spread around (sometimes in fun, sometimes not) to punk me and my fans. Usually, we laugh it off, but every once in a while I’ve just gotta say something...