K-Pax (17 page)
WHE
N
I
wa
s
a
senio
r
i
n
hig
h
schoo
l
ou
r
caree
r
counselo
r
advise
d
m
e
t
o
tak
e
th
e
on
e
cours
e
in
physic
s
ou
r
schoo
l
offered
.
I
quickly
'
learne
d
tha
t
I
ha
d
n
o
aptitud
e
fo
r
th
e
subject
,
thoug
h
th
e
experience
di
d
serv
e
t
o
increas
e
m
y
respec
t
fo
r
anyon
e
wh
o
coul
d
maste
r
tha
t
esoteri
c
material
,
amon
g
the
m
my
wife-to-be.
W
e
wer
e
next-doo
r
neighbor
s
fro
m
th
e
da
y
sh
e
wa
s
born
,
Kare
n
an
d
I
,
an
d
w
e
playe
d
togethe
r
all
th
e
time
.
Ever
y
mornin
g
I
woul
d
g
o
outsid
e
an
d
fin
d
he
r
i
n
th
e
yard
,
smilin
g
an
d
read
y
fo
r
anything
.
One
o
f
th
e
fondes
t
memorie
s
I
hav
e
i
s
o
f
ou
r
firs
t
da
y
i
n
school
,
o
f
sittin
g
behin
d
he
r
wher
e
I
coul
d
smel
l
her
hair
,
o
f
walkin
g
hom
e
wit
h
he
r
an
d
leave
s
burning
.
O
f
cours
e
w
e
weren'
t
reall
y
sweetheart
s
a
t
that
age-no
t
unti
l
w
e
wer
e
twelve
,
th
e
yea
r
m
y
fathe
r
died.
I
t
happene
d
i
n
th
e
middl
e
o
f
th
e
night
.
M
y
mothe
r
cam
e
an
d
go
t
m
e
u
p
becaus
e
sh
e
hoped
,
vainl
y
as
i
t
turne
d
out
,
tha
t
I
migh
t
b
e
abl
e
t
o
d
o
something
.
Whe
n
I
ra
n
int
o
thei
r
bedroo
m
I
foun
d
hi
m
lyin
g
o
n
his
back
,
naked
,
sweating
,
hi
s
pajama
s
o
n
th
e
floo
r
besid
e
th
e
bed
.
H
e
wa
s
stil
l
breathing
,
bu
t
hi
s
fac
e
was
ashen
.
I
ha
d
spen
t
enoug
h
tim
e
i
n
hi
s
offic
e
an
d
o
n
hospita
l
round
s
t
o
suspec
t
wha
t
ha
d
happene
d
an
d
to
recogniz
e
th
e
seriousnes
s
o
f
th
e
situation
.
I
f
h
e
ha
d
taugh
t
m
e
somethin
g
abou
t
closed-ches
t
massag
e
I
migh
t
hav
e
bee
n
abl
e
t
o
hel
p
him
,
bu
t
thi
s
wa
s
befor
e
CP
R
wa
s
generall
y
know
n
an
d
ther
e
wa
s
nothin
g
I
coul
d
d
o
excep
t
watc
h
hi
m
gas
p
hi
s
las
t
breat
h
an
d
expire
.
O
f
cours
e
I
yelle
d
a
t
m
y
mothe
r
t
o
cal
l
an
ambulance
,
bu
t
i
t
wa
s
fa
r
to
o
lat
e
b
y
th
e
tim
e
i
t
go
t
there
.
I
n
th
e
meantim
e
I
studie
d
hi
s
bod
y
wit
h
horrible
fascination
,
hi
s
grayin
g
hand
s
an
d
feet
,
hi
s
knobb
y
knees
,
hi
s
large
,
dar
k
genitalia
.
Mothe
r
cam
e
running
bac
k
jus
t
a
s
I
wa
s
coverin
g
hi
m
wit
h
th
e
sheet
.
Ther
e
wa
s
n
o
nee
d
t
o
tel
l
her
.
Sh
e
knew
.
Oh
,
sh
e
knew. Afterwards
,
I
foun
d
mysel
f
i
n
a
stat
e
o
f
profoun
d
shoc
k
an
d
confusion
.
No
t
becaus
e
I
love
d
him
,
but
becaus
e
I
didn't-ha
d
almos
t
wishe
d
hi
m
dead
,
i
n
fact
,
s
o
I
wouldn'
t
hav
e
t
o
becom
e
a
docto
r
lik
e
him.
Ironically
,
becaus
e
o
f
th
e
tremendou
s
'sens
e
o
f
guil
t
I
felt
,
I
vowe
d
t
o
g
o
int
o
medicin
e
anyway.
A
t
th
e
funeral
,
Karen
,
withou
t
anyon
e
sayin
g
anything
,
sa
t
besid
e
m
e
an
d
hel
d
m
y
hand
.
I
t
wa
s
as
thoug
h
sh
e
understoo
d
perfectl
y
wha
t
I
wa
s
goin
g
through
.
I
squeeze
d
her
s
too
,
hard
.
I
t
wa
s
unbelievably sof
t
an
d
warm
.
I
didn'
t
fee
l
an
y
les
s
guilty
,
bu
t
wit
h
he
r
han
d
i
n
min
e
i
t
seeme
d
a
s
thoug
h
I
migh
t
b
e
able
t
o
ge
t
throug
h
lif
e
somehow
.
An
d
I'v
e
bee
n
holdin
g
i
t
eve
r
since.