Kartography (17 page)

Ami didn't know that in my first week as a foreigner, I had called that number, feeling excitement, even a touch of nervousness. It had been so long since I'd spoken to her. But it wasn't Aunty Maheen who answered. It was a man, and as he repeated, ‘Hello?... Hello?' down the phone, I heard Aunty Maheen's voice in the background say, ‘Who is it, darling?' and I thought of Uncle Ali in London, moving from one short-term affair to another, returning periodically to Karachi to tell my parents he didn't know why he left, he couldn't imagine returning, he was so afraid of old age. His life such sadness. I hung up, and cried all afternoon. I had never told anyone else about the call. Even now, I couldn't quite understand it. All these years later, why did it continue to affect me so much more than I could bear?

I opened the phone book to ‘M'.

In my first days of college, I had gritted my teeth through freshman orientation with its attempts to create artificial bonds between everyone in the hall by getting us to share our most private pains, our most personal stories. I lied my way through it, of course, inventing broken hearts, ruined friendships, family disease, all in an attempt to keep up with the tragedies of the eighteen-year-old lives around me. But in my head I kept a chart of the real answers that came to mind to the questions:
What's the hardest thing you've had to deal with? What's your happiest memory? What'syour biggest regret? Has there been one experience that changed your life? If you could pick up the phone and call one person now, who would it be?
The questions went on and on, and every one of my answers had to do with Karim leaving and Uncle Ali and Aunty Maheen divorcing.

Of the two events, the divorce had been the worse. The finality of it. I knew about divorced couples; I knew the way their friends divided into his friends and her friends. How to divide my parents between Ali and Maheen? It couldn't be done. That's when I really realized that Karim wouldn't be coming back. Before, some part of me had hoped that Uncle Ali would see the error of his ways. (‘England, man. Mike Gatting, Graham Gooch, John Embury. Versus Pakistan. Wasim, Javed, Qadir. Imran, for God's sake, Imran! Of course they'll come back.' Zia logic, and I had more than half believed it.) But now they wouldn't come back, because that would mean the two of them living in the same city as my parents but the four of them never being a foursome again. How was that possible? It wasn't. It simply was not possible. More than Aunty Maheen's remarriage, or the worsening political situation in Pakistan, it was my belief in the impossibility of that quartet rearranging itself in any way that made my thoughts exile Ali and Maheen—and, by extension, Karim—from Karachi for ever. How I had resented Aunty Maheen then. Resented her so much that I had actually found myself agreeing with Aunty Runty, who came over to our house as soon as she heard news of the divorce and said, ‘Who would have thought it? Maheen, an adulteress! Has she no consideration for her son?' My father had told Runty to get out of his house, and it was many months before either of my parents spoke to her again. Yes, I had almost hated Aunty Maheen then.

Then.

I put the phone book down. They were clawing at me now, those absurd memories and questions that should be long dead by now. I slipped off my bed, pulled on a pair of jeans and a jacket, grabbed my Walkman and headed out. The sky moved from sunset to twilight to something darker, something not quite night, as I walked from one end of campus to the other and then back, concentrating on the music, changing the radio frequency any time songs from the mid-eighties starting playing. But when I was just steps away from the dorm, I turned the Walkman off, veered away from the lamplit paths, and cut across rain-drenched fields, watching my feet step into the shoeprints of someone with wide toes, trusting to his purpose as he strode away from the dorms and towards the Observatory, then wavering in my faith as the moon disappeared behind a cloud, and turning to walk back towards the campus lights, forging my own path now, the hem of my jeans dark with wet.

To one side of the field was a patch of snow, the only remains of last week's early snowfall, protected against sun and rain by the overhang of a building's roof. I bent to pick up a fallen branch, and trailed its forked end behind me as I walked through the patch, the branch rising and falling as I took each step, leaving marks so faint it looked as though I had been walking alongside a sparrow. Or beside an angel that hovered above the ground, only the tips of its folded wings brushing against the snow.

Can angels lie spine to spine?

I closed my eyes, saw the snow before me transform into fields of white.
Tired clouds coming to rest on the ground.
My wrist remembered the pressure of a thumb and forefinger encircling it. A boy with ears too large and legs accustomed to leaping touched a cotton boll to my palm and tiny insect feet crawled across my skin.

It was an unexceptional moment, but, lord, how he smiled when he watched me watch a ladybird take flight.

 

 

 

 

28 October 1994

Dear Uncle Ali,

It was lovely to see you in Karachi over the summer, although I have yet to recover from seeing you give the Ghutnas instructions in how to dance the ‘Electric Slide'. This is what comes of dating Americans who run summer camps! I know, I know. It was a blind date, and you haven't seen her a second time, but I insist she's responsible.

It's good to be back at college again. Weather's bearable at the moment and there are still some gorgeous autumn (or, should I say, fall) leaves clinging to trees, but I'd appreciate the beauty of it a little more if it didn't serve to remind that another East Coast winter is about to begin. We've already had one round of snowfall. And yesterday there was a thunderstorm that was nothing short of a monsoon. Can't believe this is my last year up in the snowbelt of America. Although any regret at graduating is more than tempered by the joy of knowing no-more-dining-hall-food. Last night there was something call Noodle Sneeze on the menu. The pizza delivery man is my best friend, even though rumour has it he was once in jail for attempted murder. I'm a Karachiite. I can handle these things.

Just wrote a paper based on Calvino late last night (well, maybe early this morning would be more to the point) for my ‘other (not Other) realisms' class. Please don't ask me to explain the course title—I just liked the reading list. Anyway, the point is, I'm enclosing the paper—could you forward it to Karim, whichever part of the world he's in on his Grand Tour (how nineteenth-century can you get! Or were you just pulling my leg about that?) And yes, you do still have to stick to your promise not to ask any questions about your son and me.

Tons of love,

Raheen

 

 

 

 

. . .

 

When I answered the phone he said, ‘And?' as he always had, as he always did, as though our time apart had merely been a Karachi sunset: swift and startling.

I leaned back against the wall of my dorm room, and opened my desk drawer to look at the photograph of the four of us—Sonia, Zia, Karim and me—which lay, unframed, on top of a clutter of staples, paperclips, sticky tape, pens and drawing pins. My father had taken this picture the day before Karim left for London, and it had stayed hidden yet within reach through all my years at college in upstate New York.

‘Eratosthenes,' I said. That was the name with which I'd left off the last conversation I'd had in my head with him.

‘What? Can't hear...sorry, it's Karim. I'm sorry, of course you don't recognize my voice, it's...'

‘Broken,' I said. Why did he sound so formal? ‘But instantly recognizable all the same.'

‘And yours too.'

‘My voice has not broken, thank you.' I'd intended flippancy, but I think I sounded annoyed.

‘It's gone husky.'

‘Not really. I've got a bit of a sore throat.'

‘Sick as a dog?' he said.

‘No, just a minor annoyance.'

‘No, it was a joke. Your voice is husky. Huskie, like the dog. So you're sick as a——'

‘Oh. Yeah. Got it.' I attempted a laugh but it came out wrong. The first rule of humour that Karim and I had always subscribed to: if the other person doesn't get the joke, just move on. I looked out of the window at my hallmates slinging snowballs at one another, the freshly fallen snow tinged blue in the moonlight. One of them, Tamara perhaps, looked up and saw me, threw a snowball at my window in an invitation to join the fun, and for a moment I wanted to end the phone call and run downstairs.

‘I said Eratosthenes. Just now.'

‘Can't hear properly. I'm at the airport and there are all these announcements and...oh hell, scary demon-baby has just started bawling. I'll find a quieter phone and call you back. Don't go away.'