Keep Dancing (30 page)

“So that’s the reason you left her. But why did you leave me?” My voice wobbled.

Paul gripped the armrest of his chair. “I messed up, Julia. I thought everybody in town was laughing at me, thinking I was a fool. That she was sleeping with her boss right under my nose—just like she’d done with Rafe. I didn’t have any proof, and she always had an alibi for where she’d been. But I let that one thing from the past make up my mind for me.”

My thoughts were racing as Paul handed me another tissue. “I did come up there once,” he said. “I met Dot at the bar, to ask if I could see you. But all she did was scream at me about money, and how she was going to hire a lawyer to get my pay. She said she’d see me in the poorhouse. And she said it would be a cold day in June before I got to see you. I should have tried to find you anyway, but she wouldn’t tell me where you were living. And I was so mad; I had to get away from her before I did something I’d regret.”

I looked at him in shock. Dot had never told me he’d come to Pikesville. “When was this?” I asked.

“That December after I moved out. I should have come on a school day, waited for you at the high school gates. But I’d just started a new job and they wouldn’t give me a weekday off.” Paul’s eyes glistened.

My own tears had finally run their course. “She never told me that. But I could have met you down here in Virginia. I could have easily taken the train.”

“That last time I saw her, she said she’d never let me see you. And I believed her; I’d heard that she was still bad-mouthing me all over the place. I was a coward, Julia. I didn’t want to deal with her, so I let that convince me to let go of my own daughter.”

We gazed at each other for a moment. I felt emptied out; like a tide had surged on the shore of my self, leaving behind only shattered bits and shards when it receded.

“But now that I’ve found you again—or you’ve found me—will you tell me about yourself? If you don’t mind,” he added.

I almost got up and left the room, but something held me back. I wanted him to know that I’d managed without him. “A lot has happened. Like I said, my high school years in Pikesville were pretty awful. I went to college in-state, then I moved to New York for grad school. I got a Master’s in English Lit, but realized I didn’t want to stay in academia, so I took a job in book publishing. Now I’m an editor at Hawtey House.”

“I believe I’ve seen the name.” Paul nodded. “That sounds great. I always knew you were bound for big things.”

This only rekindled my anger. “It
is
good now, but it was really tough going for a long time. It would have helped me so much if I could have seen you once in a while. Even once a year, at Christmas.”

“Julia, I’m sorry. I should have come back for you.”

“Yes, you should have!” I cried.

“Please forgive me. I’ve missed you something awful.”

Should I just walk out now—leave while I’m ahead?
To collect my thoughts, I went to stand by the window. Conventioneers were pouring into the hotel, holding burlap bags of peanuts. I took a few breaths and went back to my seat. “What have you been doing all this time?” I asked.

“Well…” He hesitated. “I’ve remarried.”

Hearing him say this felt like another betrayal. I clenched my hands together so he wouldn’t see them shaking. “I thought you might have.”

“And we have two kids,” he added.

The words hit me like a kick in the gut. “You have other children?”
Of course he wasn’t interested in me
, I thought.
He had his own kids to raise.

Paul gave me an uneasy glance. “They’re five and seven. Both boys.”

Maybe if I’d been a boy, he would have stayed in touch
. “How nice for you,” I said coldly.

“I’ve been working at a factory outside of Richmond. I’ve just been made line manager,” he said.

“Good for you.” I faked a smile, my cheeks stiff with dried tears.

“Please don’t be that way, sweetheart.” Paul got out of his chair and stood in front of me. “Now that you’ve found me, I want to be part of your life again, if you’ll have me. If you can ever forgive me.” He took my hands in his, but I pulled them away. “Or not even forgive me, but at least let me see you. I know that’s a lot to ask, but please think about it.”

He reached in his pocket and put a slip of paper on the table. “You don’t have to say anything now. Here’s my address and phone number.” He cleared his throat. “Call me if you’re ever ready to see me again. You can come back here to visit, or I can come up to New York; whatever you want. Your boyfriend can come too.”

“He’s not my boyfriend,” I choked out. “We used to be together, but now we’re just friends.”

Paul gazed at me. “I don’t know how you feel about him, but I can tell from the way he looks at you. That’s not friendship in his eyes.”

He went over to the door. “I know I don’t deserve to be forgiven. But I’m still asking you to.” He shut the door gently behind him.

I sat there for a few minutes until I was sure he’d gone. Then I went upstairs, trying to hold it together until I got back to the room.

Jack rose from the couch as I came in. “How did it go?” he asked, but then he got a good look at me. He came over quickly and put his arms around me. I clung to him, crying, the fabric of his shirt becoming damp.

“Want some water? A drink?” Jack asked.

“Please just hold me,” I sobbed into his chest.

Jack took me to my room, and we lay on the made-up bed. He held me tightly as I cried out the hurt; the utter misery of being unwanted, feeling unworthy of anyone’s love. The pain of my own father not giving a damn.

After what seemed like hours, I’d run out of tears. I lay shuddering on Jack’s chest as he rubbed my back. When I was finally still, he wiped my face with his shirttail.

“You’re going to ruin your nice shirt,” I said, sniffling. I moved away and lay on the pillow.

“Want to tell me about it?” He turned toward me, head in his hand.

“It’s even worse than I thought.” I reached for a tissue and blew my nose. “He and Dot had to get married. They were pregnant with me. And she went out with his best friend when they were dating. I don’t think she ever did anything while they were married, but Paul said he could never trust her again. Then he got so suspicious about her boss that he just left us high and dry.”

Jack touched my arm. “I’m sorry, Julia. That’s a lot of heavy stuff.”

“He did come to Pikesville once, but he had a huge fight with Dot and left without seeing me. I can’t believe Dot didn’t tell me that when we had our little heart-to-heart last fall. Or about her going out with his friend. She lied to me about being totally innocent.”

Jack gazed at me. “So your Mum’s not blameless either. Most people aren’t.”

I thought about saying that since he was so understanding about other people, he might reconsider why I had to miss the rest of the concert. But I was so upset already; I couldn’t handle it if this veered into our breakup. “Paul said he’s remarried. And he has two kids. He didn’t even have a good excuse for not getting in touch with me.” I had to wait a moment for the lump in my throat to subside. “He said he wrote me a couple of letters, but they all came back; I guess since we moved around a lot. Some flimsy excuse.”

“So he did try to contact you. Although he didn’t pursue it,” Jack said.

“He says he wants to be part of my life again. He told me to call him when I’m ready, but what would be the point?”

“Your father made a huge mistake, never coming to find you. But it seems like you’ll lose out as much as he will if you never see him again. Unless he’s just a total bastard.” Jack gave me a questioning look.

“I don’t think he’s like that. Actually, I don’t know what to think. But I do know,” I said with sudden conviction, “that if I ever
did
have a child, no force on earth could keep me apart from her.”

“I feel the same way,” Jack said softly. He reached over and moved a wisp of hair from my face. His hand grazed my cheek, and I met his eyes. Suddenly his mouth was on mine, parting my lips, tentatively and then more demanding as I responded. I put my hands around his neck and pressed myself against him. I wanted to lose myself in physical sensation; to obliviate all the pain of today, of the past ten years. I gasped as Jack pushed up my dress and kissed my breasts. He moved on top of me, his hard body melding into mine. The sensation was ecstasy; his mouth moving from my neck, to my breasts, to my lips.

Jack stopped and looked into my eyes. “Julia, if this is a one-time thing—”

Mentally I finished the sentence for him:
If this is a one-time thing, that’s fine, but we aren’t getting back together
.

I put my finger to his lips. “No talking.”

“Are you sure this is what you want?”

In answer, I pulled him toward me.

I didn’t wake up until late the next morning. Jack was still asleep beside me. I looked at his dark tangle on the pillow, muscled shoulders tapering to his long, lean waist. Sickened by what I’d allowed myself to do, I quickly got dressed and threw my stuff in the bag. I found my plane ticket and went downstairs to get a cab.

As I was leaving the hotel, the peanut man was coming in. “Oh, hey,” he said, reaching into his pocket. “Jack gave me this while you were in your meeting, but I felt bad about taking it. Can you give it back to him?” He held out a big wad of cash.

“I’m sure he’d want you to keep it. He has plenty more.”

“All right.” He gave me a curious glance. “Looks like you’re leaving. Have a good trip.” He continued toward the lobby, and I got into a taxi. I assumed there’d be no problem changing the flight to an earlier one, and I was right.

Stop Your Sobbing

“So you slept with him.” Vicky poked her chopstick into the small green mound and swirled it in her soy sauce. “I hate to say it, but that was probably a mistake.” She dipped a piece of sushi and bit into it, then quickly reached for her beer, eyes watering.

“Of course it was a mistake,” I said. “Are you okay?”

“Wasabi bomb.” She coughed and took a few more gulps. “Are you going to call him?”

“So I can have him politely explain that he’s moved on, but best of luck? No thanks.”

“And you’re really sure that’s what he’d say?” she asked.

“He started to warn me that he’d sleep with me the one time, but not to expect anything to come of it. I can’t believe I still went ahead with it. I was just so done in by seeing my father.” I put my face in my hands.

“
I
can’t believe all that stuff your dad told you. Way to lay it on a person,” Vicky said. “Have you talked to Dot yet?”

“I’m gearing up for it,” I said. “She hasn’t called
me
, which means she’s probably guessed that I know she slept with his best friend.”

“Gosh, my family’s so boring. All they ever do is argue over whose turn it is to do the dishes.”

“You’re lucky.” I belted the rest of my sake.

“I’m just kidding.” Vicky patted my hand. “I thought last fall was intense, but you’ve had it even intenser lately. If that’s a word.”

I smiled. “It’s not, but you can use it.”

She speared a piece of ginger with her chopsticks. “I’m probably taking the train to Long Island this Friday. Want to come with me? You could spend the weekend with my parents and kid sister. Have a few exciting rounds of Parcheesi.”

“Thanks, but I think I’ll stay in town. I have loads to catch up on.”

Goaded by my conversation with Vicky, I decided to call Dot that night and get it over with. I put down my mug of coffee and dialed the number.

“How did it go in Richmond?” she asked cautiously.

“Well, it was very interesting,” I said. “There were a number of surprises. Such as the fact that you and Paul had to get married because you were pregnant with me.”

Dot exhaled into the phone. “I hoped you’d never find that out. I didn’t want you to think you weren’t wanted, Julia. The timing wasn’t perfect, but we really were happy about having you.”

“I can just imagine. Having to go to a J.P., and everybody knowing it was a shotgun wedding. Must have been a barrel of laughs.” I twisted the coiled phone cord around my finger.

“It wasn’t easy at the time, but everything settled down after a while. Pikesville can be judgmental, but we weren’t the first ones to have a baby in less than nine months. People got over it.”

“But it sounds like Paul never got over
you
sleeping with his best friend. What was
that
about, Mom? You left out that little detail.”

Dot was quiet for a minute. “First of all, I didn’t sleep with him. We just went out a few times. And I was really young. Paul was older than me, and right from the start he was so serious. But I wasn’t at all ready to settle down.”

“Until I came along, you mean.”

“Well, yes. Of course that changed everything. Then once I had you, I was glad I did.”

“But you never would have married him if you weren’t pregnant.” To my mind, it wasn’t even a question.

She hesitated. “I felt like I had a lot more living to do before I got tied down. So no, probably not.”

I pictured my mother at twenty; young, fresh, her dreams still intact. “I really ruined your life, didn’t I?”

“No, you didn’t. It was just different from what I’d planned. But you also made my life better in so many ways. And if Paul ever could have trusted me again, I’d still be with him.” She waited for a beat. “Has he remarried?”

“Yes. He’s living outside Richmond, working in a factory. And he has two boys, five and seven years old. Which really hurts. All that time he was raising his children down South, he never bothered about me. Except that one time that you
didn’t tell me about
, when he came up to see me. How could you have not let me know about that?”

“I guess I should have. And he did write a few letters. I had the postman send them back.”

My coffee mug shook in my hand. “You did?
Why?
You knew I was dying to hear from him. I can’t believe you kept that from me!”