Keep It Pithy (20 page)

The weasels won’t even leave the likely future queen of England alone when she’s on a private holiday
.

Take ELTON JOHN. He had to sell off the rights to most of his music when he got into debt up to his toupee. At the point where he had made more than $100 million, he was spending $400,000 a week, according to his accountant. Think of how many candles in the wind that would buy. We once shared a car in L.A. He was doing a private concert for King World, the company that owns
Inside Edition
,
Wheel of Fortune
, and
Jeopardy!
I was invited to the event because of my
Inside Edition
job. The car ride was truly bizarre. Trying
to make conversation with John was like trying to teach calculus to a goldfish. Not going to happen. “Where are you living now?” I tried. My traveling companion ruminated for a few moments and finally decided he knew the answer: “Atlanta.” This was news. “When did you move from England?” He became confused and said nothing. My final attempt was no more successful: “Which songs mean the most to you after all these years?” He looked as if he would throw up on my shoes. Out came very strange sounds, like the chorus to “Crocodile Rock.” He buried his head in his hands. I spent the rest of the ride trying not to disturb an obviously distraught Elton. I learned one thing: Money can’t buy good conversation.

(
photo credit 10.10
)

Again and again, the celebrity is unreasonably treated like an expert on everything, but sometimes the shoe might fit, although in strange ways. A reporter for the
Weekly Standard
asked the very famous O. J. SIMPSON for his considered opinion on President Clinton’s problems with Paula Jones. His reply revealed the wisdom of a man with experience, I guess: “If it’s true what
happened to Paula Jones in that room with Clinton, then simply for hitting on a dog like her he should do thirty days. Other than that, I don’t think it’s anyone’s business.” Why didn’t the White House put Mr. Simpson on the witness list for the Senate trial?

(
photo credit 10.11
)

Let’s move on.…

Okay, it’s not even close:
OPRAH WINFREY
is the most powerful woman in the world. Sorry, Hillary. Born into deep poverty in 1954, this woman makes Bill Clinton look like Prince Charles in the humble-beginnings department. Compared to her upbringing in Mississippi, I was raised in the Taj Mahal. And even worse, Ms. Winfrey recalls being molested as a child by several male relatives and friends of her family.

(
photo credit 10.12
)

Add it all up and Oprah’s climb to the top of the power mountain is simply stunning. No other word for it. So what does this say about America, Michael Moore?

What kind of power does Oprah wield? Well,
Parade
magazine reports that she makes $260 million a year. That’s about one million bucks for every day she actually works. Wow.

Basically, earning that kind of money means that Oprah Winfrey can do or buy anything she wants on this earth as long as it’s legal and for sale. Like Lola in
Damn Yankees!
, whatever Oprah wants, Oprah gets. Think about that. There are no material limits for Oprah, nothing she cannot afford. Are you still thinking? Does Oprah’s situation sound good? Okay, here’s the downside: Having that kind of money can literally drive a person crazy.

Here’s why.… Remember those glittering Christmas mornings when you were a kid? Mine were thrilling, the highlights of my childhood. The anticipation of getting fun stuff makes most kids happy for weeks. That’s why Christmas is magic. Most children experience true joy during that season.

But it was the anticipation, the rarity of the experience that conjured up the magic. If, like Oprah, you can have Christmas every day of the year, there isn’t much anticipation, is there? I mean, the thrill of obtaining something exceptional, or unexpected, or long awaited, just doesn’t exist. With everything almost instantly available, everything becomes rather ordinary. For that reason, the ultrawealthy, if they are not ultracareful, can become bored, jaded, or, even worse, sadistic or self-destructive. The awful behavior of some celebrities and power brokers illustrates that point beyond a reasonable doubt. Just ask Caligula.

Meanwhile, Oprah has probably made a major career mistake by leaving broadcast TV and going to cable. She’s not doing all that well, even after the blanket of publicity surrounding the Lance Armstrong interview
.

Time will tell
.

The beat goes on
.

After the tragic school massacre in Sandy Hook, Connecticut, the gun control controversy seized the attention of the nation. Some people on both sides kept their cool, listened to each other, and tried to come up with rational answers
.

One astonishing exception was the rash action taken by the
Journal News
,
a paper in White Plains, New York. Using the Freedom of Information Act, reporters were able to collect tens of thousands of names of gun owners in three local counties—Westchester, Rockland, and Putnam—and publish them as a gun-owner database in map form online in December
.

For about a month, newspaper executives explained that they felt they were doing the public a service. How’s that again? Invasion of privacy? Giving potential gun thieves information they can use?

As one of the hundreds of people who called the newspaper to complain put it, “The implications are mind-boggling. It’s as if gun owners are sex offenders [and] to own a handgun risks exposure as if one is a sex offender. It’s crazy.”

It was
.

By mid-January someone came to his or her senses, and the map was deleted from the paper’s website
.