Keeper of Dreams (96 page)

Three of their kids lived in Utah, but Lettie (who had finally forgiven them for naming her Letitia after a great-grandmother) and her husband had taken the family to New York to visit his parents. That left Will and his wife Sarah—whom he called, for reasons that probably did not bear examination, “Streak”—and Dawn and her husband Buck. They were all coming to Thanksgiving dinner, with three children among them.

Dawn and Buck only had their three-month-old daughter Pearl, who was, literally, no trouble. Buck bragged that if he looked at her and said, “Sleep now, Pearl,” she dropped off immediately. Will and Sarah, however, had the twins, Vanya and Valiant, and at three years old they regarded it as their mission in life to take apart anything that had ever been in an unassembled state. To Will’s credit, he did his best to keep them under control, but Sarah was about eleven months pregnant and her idea of discipline consisted of languidly calling out, “Please don’t be such naughty-nasters, boys.”

Rachel could hardly criticize her for not leaping to her feet and bounding after them, not with her belly that was large enough that Jared was talking about helping them build a stable for the foal she was apparently going to have. But she and Hazel had spent half an hour removing everything breakable from the main floor of the house before they got down to the serious business of fixing Thanksgiving dinner. Thinking of having the twins in the house made her glad that she wasn’t starting a new family right now. She just didn’t have the energy.

Neither did Sarah, of course. The name “Streak” had to be ironic.

The twins burst into the house screaming “Gamma Ray! Gamma Ray!” at the top of their lungs. Rachel wasn’t sure she’d ever forgive Jared for coming up with that grandma nickname for her, but all her grandchildren called her that now, and Rachel had finally decided to regard it as a genial tribute to Jared’s career in nuclear physics, even if she
had
always loathed “Ray” as a nickname for Rachel. Then they caught sight of Hazel
and screamed—even louder, which Rachel would not have thought possible—“Hazie-Ma! Hazie-Ma!”

“I truly hate that nickname,” murmured Hazel as she patted the heads of the two little boys who had attached themselves, remora-like, to her thighs.

“I haven’t really forgiven Jared yet for coming up with Gamma Ray,” said Rachel.

“He came up with Hazie Maw, too. That’s why I cut him out of my will.”

They watched through the open front door as Sarah came up the steps, rocking from side to side like an elephant trying to free its feet from clinging mud. “Streak,” murmured Hazel. Rachel smiled and patted her mother-in-law’s shoulder. For all of Hazel’s cantankerousness, for all that she sometimes had to be “handled,” she and Rachel had always seen the world through the same amused-but-affectionate eyes. Hazel had been ward drama leader when Rachel was going through Young Women, and Rachel had become like another daughter to her. A kindred spirit. This all happened while Jared was on his mission, and Hazel had written to him in his last month that he’d better not date Rachel when he got home “because I don’t want to lose her as a daughter when you decide to break up with her.” Naturally, this guaranteed that Rachel was the first person Jared dated when he got home. As Hazel had predicted, they did break up—three times, before they finally got married—but Rachel had made a point of staying close to Hazel through the ups and downs. It drove poor Jared crazy, since, as he often complained, he could never complain to his mother about the wretched way his ex-girlfriend had treated him. “She was always on your side, Rachel,” he told her. “If we ever got a divorce, I’m afraid you’d probably go home to
my
mother.”

Since those Young Women days and the courting days that followed, Rachel had come to know Hazel much better, and knew more about her difficulties than she had ever suspected before. But it never dimmed her love for Hazel, which was quite independent of her love for Hazel’s son.

Now, looking at Sarah coming up the stairs, Rachel wondered if any of her daughters-in-law felt toward her anything like the bond of affection that she felt toward Hazel. Hazel had cast her as Fiona in a ward production of
Brigadoon
. What role did Rachel’s daughters-in-law feel that
she had cast
them
in? Rachel studied Sarah’s face and tried to determine how the girl might feel about her husband’s family. As far as Rachel could tell, all Sarah felt was tired.

The twins were already out of the room; poor Will was chasing after them, calling out the words that struck fear into Rachel’s heart: “Vanya, Val, put that down! You’ll break it!” I will not think of this, Rachel told herself. Possessions are not as important as family, and Will is doing his best.

Hazel pointedly looked Sarah up and down. “Well, is it large twins or small triplets?”

“God, I hope not,” Sarah blurted. Then she covered her mouth with her hand and the look of dismay on her face was almost comical. “I’m so sorry,” she said.

“For what?” said Hazel. “Sounded like a prayer to me.”

Sarah laughed in relief, and so did Rachel. Hazel could do that, put people at ease in a moment. When she wanted to.

Still, it bothered her that taking the name of the Lord in vain came so easily to Sarah’s lips. She just hadn’t been raised like Rachel’s other daughters-in-law. She grew up Mormon, but in a rural family in Draper where the farmers still used the same one-syllable word for manure that the ancient Anglo-Saxons had used. There were junker cars parked on her family’s lawn—the back lawn, though, which was probably a mark of the upper class in Draper—and even though Jared used words like “salt of the earth” to describe Sarah and her family, Rachel had often asked herself how a son of hers could even be attracted to people like that, let alone
like
them, which Will seemed to do. Will was a brilliant young lawyer. He would move in elevated circles all his life. He might run for office someday. And this was the woman he would take with him to the Senate or the governor’s mansion?

Even as she had these thoughts, Rachel stifled them. She knew it was a flaw in her, not in Sarah. I’m a snob, she realized. I never knew it till Will married Sarah, but I truly am a snob. All those sermonettes I’ve given about how the Lord is no respecter of persons and the poor and uneducated are more likely to be in tune with the Spirit of God than the rich and “wise”—I meant every word of them, until my son brought home a farm girl who knew what a carburetor was for and how to fix
one, “except it’s a pretty useless skill these days,” Sarah had explained, “what with computerized fuel injection.” Rachel had only been able to smile and nod, having no concept what these things were except words in advertisements.

Ever since then, though, it had always been Sarah who had that polite smile on her face, pretending to understand what was going on as Will and Jared launched into long esoteric discussions of arcane Church doctrines or issues in law and ethics or scientific and academic questions. It was the way Jared had always talked to all his children, assuming that as long as you had reasoning behind it you could have an opinion on any subject, but Rachel was pretty sure Sarah felt completely excluded. Rachel had even pointed out to her that she was perfectly welcome to speak up. “I would,” Sarah said, smiling. “If I could ever understand what they’re talking about.”

Poor child! Poor child!

Well, she and Will would be married for a long time—if the twins didn’t drive them both into the looney bin. Plenty of chances for Sarah to learn to take part in Will’s intellectual life. Rachel had had it easy—she was a professor’s daughter and had learned all the social graces from her mother, who was the consummate unaffected hostess, so that without an ounce of pretense she could make anybody feel welcome in her home. Sarah simply hadn’t grown up with this—but she would learn. And she was trying to learn, too. Rachel could see how Sarah’s eyes were upon her, studying her whenever she came to visit, watching how Rachel did things, learning, learning. Despite all Rachel’s misgivings, Sarah was trying to be a good wife and she would become just what Will needed. And one thing was certain: Sarah was already what Will
wanted
.

A couple of times it had occurred to Rachel that perhaps what Will loved about Sarah was precisely that she was nothing at all like Will’s mother. But Rachel dismissed that thought from her mind as quickly as possible. She and Will had always gotten along quite well. He couldn’t possibly have disliked her enough to try to marry her opposite.

Hunger tamed the twins as no amount of discipline could: When mealtime came, they were perched in duplicate high chairs, cloaked in huge, smocklike bibs that didn’t bode well for the condition of the floor after dinner. Oh, well, it’s only carpet, Rachel told herself. Jared called on
his mother to say the blessing, and to everyone’s surprise, she said nothing more than the standard blessing, plus one sentence: “For all thy gracious gifts to us during this year, we give special thanks today.” That was it. When everyone looked at her in surprise after the amens, Hazel only laughed and winked. “One of the things I like to be thankful for at Thanksgiving is hot food!”

I hope I get old like her, thought Rachel, not for the first time.

And then she wondered: Was the short blessing really in order to let them eat while the food was still hot, or rather because a mere month after her husband died Hazel wasn’t feeling all that grateful? Unlike Jared, Hazel had wept copiously at her husband’s funeral. Still, since that cathartic day Hazel had hardly spoken of her husband. It struck Rachel that she and Jared might well be coping with their loss the same way—by avoiding thinking or feeling anything about it at all. Rachel resolved to watch more carefully.

Will was telling everybody about how only a few days ago he had accepted the offer of a law firm in Los Angeles. Dawn and Buck were teasing him about being part of the recently-canceled TV show. “Will you be Arnie Becker?” Dawn asked.

“No divorces,” said Will. “And no love affairs.”

Everybody laughed. Even Sarah, who then piped up with her own jest: “I’m sorry they canceled that show. I was watching it so I could understand what Will’s life was going to be like. But except for the ones who were lawyers themselves, I can’t remember ever seeing any of their wives.” She laughed, and so did everyone else, but Rachel didn’t have to be a genius to detect the fear that lay under the joke.

“Anyway we went to a realtor to see about putting our house on the market,” said Will. “And it happened that one of the agents in the firm was looking to buy a . . . how did they put it?. . . a
starter
home . . .”

“A cheap little rental property,” said Sarah. “I think those were the exact words.”

“Yes, that’s it—Streak here always remembers the
exact
words, it’s why I don’t dare argue with her,” said Will. “I can face
anybody
in court, but that’s because none of the other lawyers have Streak’s steeltrap mind.” He laughed, and so did everyone else, but it seemed to Rachel that she wasn’t the only one who was unsure whether Will was sincerely complimenting
his wife and laughing at the other lawyers, or ironically teasing his wife by praising her for attributes she didn’t have. Steeltrap mind? Sarah managed to keep it hidden under her cowlike docility.

“So they already made you an offer on the house?” Buck asked. “Because it really
would
be a good rental, being so close to the university.”

“If anyone can ever repair the damage the twins have done,” said Sarah, laughing. Again, everyone joined in, but with uncertainty about how much truth lay behind the joke.

“They didn’t just offer,” said Will. “They bought. The only drawback is we have to be out of the house by December first.”

“But your job won’t even start in LA until March!” cried Dawn.

Rachel looked up into Jared’s eyes. They could both see the handwriting on the wall. Will was planning to move back in with them.

“Will, for a smart guy you are sure dumb,” said Dawn, in her patronizing sister voice. “You could have sold it five times over, if you’d just waited, and to somebody who wouldn’t take occupancy until after you left. You’re going to make Sarah have the baby while you’re camping out in some makeshift apartment!”

Dawn was the only one who ever talked to Will as if he were an idiot child. Will didn’t seem to mind. “We were hoping,” he said mildly, “that all that empty space in the basement here might be available for a few fledglings to return to the nest. It’s only till March, but it will save us a lot of money—I think the exactly amount is ‘oodles’—if we don’t have to move twice. We can just have the moving company pack everything up—at my new firm’s expense, I might add—and store it until March. And it would be a great help to us when the baby’s born, to be living here where Streak can get plenty of help from Mom. If you don’t mind, Mom.”

“Fine,” said Rachel. “If I get the new baby.”

Will looked her in the eye. “You get the twins, Mom. But you raised me. You’re tough. And as my work winds down, I’ll have more and more time at home. The worst of it would be between now and New Year’s. It’s a terrible imposition, but where are we going to find a rental for these three months? Nobody in their right mind is moving out between now and New Year’s.”

“Exactly what I was going to say,” Jared said. “You know that with Mother living with us, we—”

“With Mother living with you,” said Hazel, “things couldn’t be better. I can help with the twins.”

“No, Mother,” said Jared. “That’s too much for somebody your . . .”