Kelly Hill (8 page)

Agoura Hills, California

June 8th 2010

Rachel

Day had turned into night and then morning had come, yet still Rachel sat in the corner of her room, her back pressed against the wall, her brain swimming with too many thoughts to concentrate on.

She didn’t want to be cruel to Kelly. She never wanted to be outwardly mean to him in any way. If there was anyone in the world least deserving of malice it was Kelly. He had saved her after all. In every way imaginable, he had saved her, but she couldn’t be his friend.

She couldn’t say all the things she wanted to say to him. It would be too hard for all parties involved. It would mean going back on her word.

No, now her brain had several other things to worry about. And everything seemed to center around Phillips and Jefferson.

Couldn’t she just move on with her life? Wouldn’t she be allowed just that one tiny glimmer of relief?

It had been hours since Ethan and her father had fought. Hours since she had left Kelly in the kitchen, hoping she had been harsh enough for him to finally leave her alone. Agree to the game that they didn’t know each other and just go away. It would so much easier in the long run.

Finally when the stress got to be just too much for her, Rachel got out her yoga mat and put on her workout clothes.

For two minutes, she did repeated sun salutations. Then, when the timer told her to, she moved into two minutes of downward dog.

Thirty minutes into her exercise, right when she was pushing into a cobra, her phone rang.

She had set it beside her while she completed her task so that she wouldn’t miss and beat, and now, her nerves tightened as she saw her mom’s name on the display.

Slowly she lowered her body to the mat and pulled the phone closer, she answered it and held the phone up to her ear. “Hello?”

Rachel sounded breathless and anxious, just the state her mother would tell her not to be.

‘
It’s never any good to worry about things, dearest.’
She would always say
, ‘Live for the moment, because that’s all life is really made up of.’

“
Hi, honey!” Helen’s cheery voice sounded strained. A lecture was coming soon, “Sorry I missed your call.”

“
It’s okay.” Rachel tried to catch her breath, “How’s Hartford?”

“
The same as ever.” Rachel could practically see her mom shrugging. “That author you like so much came out with a new book. Did you see it?” They had already had this conversation, but Helen would never remember that. She barely remembered what she had for breakfast half the time.

Rachel glanced over at her summer reading list and her eyes rested on David Warren’s ‘Unstoppable’. “Yep, I already got it, plan on going to a book signing next month actually.”

“Oh that’ll be fun!” Helen’s voice filled with fake enthusiasm.

Rachel could forgive her for that. It wasn’t that Helen didn’t try. It was just that they didn’t understand one another.

But how could they? They lived so far away; it was hard to build an emotional connection between two people who rarely spoke.

“
Yeah, I think so.” Rachel responded mechanically. She didn’t actually think the book signing would be fun at all, but she really wanted to meet the author.

She had read his first book ‘Cry, Thy Name is God’ for an English class at Phillips and was praying for a follow up ever since. His ideas on life and humans and their social habits were so warped from everything she had been raised on, she loved the idea of expanding her mind even further.

It was an ever quest for knowledge with Rachel. She needed to learn and absorb always, if she didn’t, she didn’t feel complete, or whole.

“
How’s Ethan doing?” Helen asked, gearing up for the emotional part of their conversation.

It always came, just after the pleasantries.

Rachel thought about Ethan’s sulking frame in the driveway, probably staring at the van that had seemed to cause today’s fight.

She wanted to say something positive, but lying to her own mother felt wrong somehow, even though she knew it would stave off the coming storm. “He got into a fight with dad.”

Rachel braced.

“
Was it that damned van?” Helen’s voice was harder now, “You know, I knew Peter would never be able to live with it. He can buy you all the expensive cars he wants to, but the moment his son wants to get a vehicle it’s like an act against God himself.”

Rachel cringed. Her car was a point of contention between their parents. Mostly because she had received it just after getting the boot from Phillips, but some of it too was that Helen felt Peter showed Rachel more affection than he afforded Ethan.

“Well.” Rachel began to defend her father but knew there was no point.

Helen cut her off again, “No, that’s inexcusable. If Ethan wants to pursue his dreams then that’s what he should do. Not hover over dusty books all day discussing things that don’t matter.”

Rachel felt the personal dig. Helen had clearly been thinking about this for a while now.

“
Mom, dad’s just mad that Ethan didn’t talk to him about it first.” Rachel tried a different tactic. It made sense when she said it. If Ethan had just said something about it, maybe their dad wouldn’t be so mad. He was kind of blindsided by the whole thing.

“
Rachel, don’t give me that. You know Ethan hasn’t had the same breaks you have. Ethan didn’t go to Phillips.” Helen was scolding her now.

Rachel closed her eyes and gritted her teeth. Ethan didn’t go to Phillips because he chose not to. Not because he wasn’t given the option.

Ethan didn’t graduate from school because he gave up, they didn’t kick him out. He had all the chances that she did. Why was she being punished for being the responsible one?

“
You know, I know I should have just fought for full custody. You would have done so much better here in Hartford with me.” Helen was still going.

The ulcer in Rachel’s stomach burned ferociously with the thought that she could have grown up like Ethan. Immature, irresponsible and lacking any amount of common sense.

“I really liked Phillips.” Rachel managed to get out, trying to defend all of her life choices in one sentence.

“
Well, you got kicked out, so that’s a moot point now, isn’t it?” Helen was full blown angry now.

Rachel could feel her hand shaking that was holding the phone, she felt her breath holding still in her ever tightening chest and she just wanted to end the conversation.

She would never be good enough for her mom because she was nothing like her.

Their lives were completely opposite of one another and Helen refused to accept that maybe Rachel was happy with what she was doing. She didn’t have to be like Ethan to be her own person.

Couldn’t it be okay that her own person resembled something close to what her dad did with his own life?

“
Mom, I don’t wanna fight.” Rachel said between exasperated breathes.

“
Who said anything about fighting?” Helen was offended now, “What, am I not allowed to have an opinion about my own children?”

“
Of course you’re allowed to have an opinion.” Rachel could feel the stress making her head swim.

“
And I don’t need permission from you either. You’re my child and its time you start acting like it. Your mother’s not dead you know.” Helen scolded.

“
No, of course you’re not dead.” Rachel squeezed her eyes shut tightly so she could concentrate better.

“
Well, you sure act like.” Helen started to lay on the guilt, like she did with almost every conversation. “You never call me; I have to pester Ethan just to get a message to you.”

Rachel wanted to point out that her mom was never the first one to call either. A phone worked both ways, but she kept that locked in tight. She didn’t want to make this worse. She couldn’t make this worse.

“I’m sorry.” Rachel apologized. “I should call more often, I just get really busy.”

“
With what?” Helen’s voice was accusatory, “You don’t go to school, and you don’t have a job. What could you possibly fill your time with?”

Rachel imagined taking down all the decorative china and dusting it meticulously. “I manage to stay busy.”

“What a load of crap.” Helen said, “I wasn’t born yesterday, Rachel.”

Rachel wanted to scream. She was never good enough. And there was no possible way for her to be good enough. She was boxed into a corner and then told to run a mile.

It was an impossible task.

No matter which way she stepped her mom would always be angry with her.

It was hopeless.

Rachel thought about earlier in the day when she saw Ethan and her dad fighting. This is what he must have felt like. Hopeless.

“I’m really sorry, mom.” Rachel tried again. “Honestly, I’ll call more often.” But would she call more often? Or was she just trying to be pleasant?

She heard Helen sigh, “Alright.”

Her eyes flicked up and saw someone standing close to her doorway, just enough so that she could tell that someone was there, but not enough to know who it was.

“
Listen though, I gotta run. I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?” Rachel waited for her mom’s response.

“
No, tomorrow’s no good for me. Try a different time.” Helen responded, not giving her anything specific to work with.

Rachel sighed, “Okay, I can do that. Love you, mom.”

“Love you, too.”

They both hung up at the same time and Rachel looked back towards her door, “I’m off the phone now.”

The door swung slowly open and Rachel wasn’t surprised to see Kelly standing there, his sad eyes studying her.

“
I thought I told you to leave me alone.” Rachel’s monotone voice revealed no hint of her actual emotions and she was glad for it. The truth of the matter was that she needed someone right now more than ever. After the night she had had and the phone call, she just wanted someone to tell her that everything was going to be okay.

But Kelly couldn’t be that person. She had to make certain of it. This was Rachel’s lot in life and she had to live with it. These were decisions that she had made. Why couldn’t he  understand that?

“We need to talk about it sometime.” Kelly leaned against the doorframe, his hands in his pockets. “You can’t keep hiding forever.”

Rachel glared at him, he might be right, but she would much rather prove him wrong. Wasn’t that what she had been trying to do for the past two years? Prove Kelly wrong?

“I don’t think we need to talk about anything.” Rachel crossed her hands over her chest. “I was perfectly fine acting like we were strangers. I let you stay in my house, I didn’t say a word. I’ve been pleasant, and I’ve kept your secret. There’s really nothing to talk about.”

“
But it’s not my secret.” Kelly was staring at her, accusing her, “It’s yours and you know it. I didn’t say anything because
you
asked me not to. Not the other way ‘round.”

Rachel felt her back molars grind together in frustration. He wasn’t wrong. Not in so many words, she was the one who had asked him not to say anything. She was the one who had walked away from the clusterfuck and pretended like none of it  happened. She was the one who hadn’t contested Phillips’ choice in kicking her out. By any outsider’s perspective, this was her secret. But there was more to it than that. Wasn’t there?

When it all boiled down to it, Kelly wasn’t only involved in this because he knew Rachel. He was connected to Jefferson and Melody too. In fact, one could say that he was only involved because of that connection. That was the only reason he met Rachel in the first place, wasn’t it? Because he was trying to prove a point.

“
Kelly, I don’t want to live in the past, I want to move on with my life.” Rachel pressed, hoping he would just finally concede.

“
So you’re okay with what happened? You're perfectly fine with it; you’ve made your peace and that’s that?” Kelly was angry now. She could see it on his face, but there was nothing she could say. What did he want from her?

“
No, I’m not okay with it.” She spit back, “You think I’m fine with it? Someone’s dead, Kelly, no one just gets over that.”

“
Then let’s talk about it. I mean, unless you’re afraid of him still. Unless you’re still letting him rule your life from across the country.” Kelly’s voice had turned vengeful now, he was still angry with her about everything. He could never just let well enough alone. It had either been all or nothing with Kelly and Rachel just couldn’t live up to those sorts of standards.

“
I have no desire to talk to Jefferson or about Jefferson, so let’s drop it.” Rachel tried to match his tone, but she couldn’t muster enough venom. She couldn’t feel the anger in her gut like he did. Because she wasn’t as good as he was. She never had been.