Killer Cuts: A Dead-End Job Mystery (29 page)

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Authors: Elaine Viets

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“

ore champagne?” Sister Mary Rebecca asked.

“Sure,” Helen said. She’d never had anyone in a nun’s

habit pour champagne. But then, Helen had never been waited on by a nun in drag.

Margery had one hell of a surprise for Helen’s bachelorette party. She took the women to the drag queen gospel brunch at Lips in sub urban Fort Lauderdale. Lips was a nightclub that offered “the ultimate in drag dining.”The decor was high-camp glitter—cheesy gold statues guarding the stage, oodles of pink and purple, mirrors and sequins.

A gospel singer in a gold choir robe and enough makeup to stock a Revlon counter was belting out a song.

“These gospel singers are divine,” Elsie said, and raised her glass of champagne and orange juice. She’d convinced herself that mimosas were a healthy way to get vitamin C.

Helen thought Elsie was too buzzed to know she was punning.

Sister Mary Rebecca poured Helen more champagne and topped off Elsie’s mimosa. Elsie looked right at home among the sequins and shimmering beads.The drag queens—the Sisters of Sequins—made her feel welcome.

“Heavenly dress, sweetie,” Sister Mary Rebecca said, nodding at El sie’s blue sequin, strapless tube topped with a ruffled cobalt chiffon coat. The tube bulged like a water balloon. Elsie’s short, spiky hair was dyed lime green. It looked startlingly good with the blue.

“Oh, do you like it?” Elsie blushed like a young girl.”I got the outfit for ten dollars at a resale shop. It’s so important to recycle.That’s what my granddaughter says.”

“Go green,” Sister said, and flitted to the next table. Elsie patted her lime hair, slightly missing the point.

The gospel show was fast, funny and lip-synched. Helen thought most of the tunes weren’t traditional gospel, but she and her friends hadn’t been in a church for so long, they wouldn’t know gospel music if it walloped them in the key of G.

Sister Mary Rebecca put down her champagne bottle and ran onstage for an energetic version of “This Little Light of Mine.”

“She has a nice voice,” Elsie said.

“Just like Milli Vanilli,” Margery said.

Elsie looked puzzled.

“She’s lip-synching,” Peggy explained.”Sister is singing along with a recording. Milli Vanilli got in trouble for doing that.”

“Amazing,” Elsie said.”I’d never guess that wasn’t Sister’s voice.”

Sister went back to serving champagne, and Nicollette, the glitzy emcee, was back on stage. Nicollette strayed often from the path of good manners and good taste. She told one young blond female,”You’ve got more roots than Alex Haley.”

She called another woman with short hair and a baseball cap “my little dyke tyke” and asked,”Would you change my oil?”

Helen prayed the emcee would ignore her, and she did. Instead, Nicollette turned her attention to a visitor from England. “Don’t they have enough queens there?” she asked.

The audience sang along:”If you’re gay and you know it, clap your hands. If you’re gay and you know it, then your fashion sense will show it.”

The straight version was: “If you’re straight and you know it, then your Kmart clothes will show it.”

There was a lot of hand clapping for all the songs, and each table got tambourines. Elsie never let go of hers. Her arms shook like Jell-O in an earthquake when she clapped along to the music. Her chins wobbled in time.

The Sisters of Sequins escorted a muscular man onstage to a chair covered with crystals and sparkles. He was blond and pouty. The drag queens serenaded him with “There She Is, Miss America.”

“Are you single?” Nicollette asked.

“Yes,” he said in a hesitant voice.

Nicollette plopped herself in the lad’s lap and said,”Then you want me. Because when I take off this drag, I’m a man, and that will make you happy. But I look like a woman, which will make Mommy and Daddy happy.”

“I wonder if Milton would enjoy this,” Elsie said as she finished her fourth mimosa. “The food is really quite nice and the music is lovely. The sisters are very kind.”

Margery put her hand over Elsie’s glass when a sequined server came by with another pitcher of mimosas.”That’s enough alcohol for you,” Margery said. “Your son is so straight, he wore cuff links on his onesies. Take him to this place, and I’ll be visiting you at the assisted living facility before Nicollette can whip off her wig.”

“Milton’s not like that,” Elsie said, but she quickly shut up. She loved her conservative son, but the massively uptight Milton was too clenched to tolerate Lips.

“Those drag queens are beautiful,” Peggy said, in a frantic effort to change the subject. “I feel sort of scraggly compared to them, and I’ve got the factory-installed equipment.”

In the glittering light, Peggy was an exotic creature with her shock of red hair and elegant nose.

“They are beautiful,” Helen said,”if you like the way women looked fifty years ago. Drag queens go for the heavy glamour that we women liberated ourselves from long ago—except on special occasions.”

“But looking at them, I’m getting lonesome for sparkly dresses, chandelier earrings and evening gowns cut down to there,” Peggy said.

“Most of these men have a pretty good ‘there,’ ” Helen said.”I know those are probably implants, but the guys walk and talk like real women. I suspect some have had their Adam’s apples altered—I didn’t see much evidence of that telltale giveaway.”

“The only figure fault I can see is that some of the drag queens are a tad chunky around the waist,” Peggy said. “But then, so are many of the genuine women in the audience.”

“That’s why I’m glad the kitchen ran out of Hollandaise sauce for my eggs Benedict,” Helen said.”I have to fit into my wedding dress on Saturday.”

A drag queen flounced past them in a fabulous bias-cut sequin gown.”How would I look in bias-cut fringe?” Helen asked.

“Excuse me,” Margery said, grinning wickedly over the top of her champagne glass.”Is that Miss I Think I’ll Wear My Old White Suit for My Wedding? He’s a man, sweetie. You’d look terrific in that sequin outfit.You could wear it lounging around the pool or feeding the cat.”

“Look at that!” Elsie said. “How did that performer step off that stage wearing four-inch heels? She—”

“He,” Margery interrupted.

“She or he negotiated a drop of nearly three feet in those high shoes. Even when I was young, I’d cripple myself trying that.”

The Sisters of Sequins passed long-handled collection plates while the emcee reminded the audience to tip the performers. “It takes a lot of money to look this cheap,” she said.

Helen pulled out a ten-dollar bill. Margery countered with a twenty. “This is my party,” she said, shoving Helen’s money aside.

“And I live on tips,” Helen said, dropping the ten in the plate on top of Margery’s money.”Easy come, easy go.”

The brunch was over by three o’clock. Helen and her friends stag gered out into the merciless Florida sunlight. Helen was pleasantly dizzy from the champagne. The four waited under a canopy embla zoned with enormous red lips while the valet fetched Margery’s car. Helen’s landlady lit a cigarette with an addict’s trembling fingers and inhaled deeply.

The hunky valet drove up in Margery’s white Lincoln Town Car and opened the doors.

“This car is becoming a white elephant in more ways than one,” Margery said, buckling up.

“It’s so nice to sit in a big, comfortable auto,” Peggy said, as she climbed into the backseat.

Helen tried to steer Elsie to the front passenger side, but she said, “No, dear, you’re the guest of honor, and you have long legs.You sit in front.There’s plenty of room for me in the backseat.”

Elsie staggered slightly as she slid into the car.”This party was lovely, Margery,” she said, as she settled herself.”So unique. Helen, dear, what would you like for your wedding? Do you need a nice toaster oven? I sometimes find that young couples who’ve been living on their own neglect the basics for housekeeping.”

“Thanks, but we already have one,” Helen said.”Phil and I are ask ing guests to donate to our favorite charities.”

“That’s very generous,” Elsie said, her words slightly slurred.

“We really don’t have room for any more stuff,” Helen said.”I’ll get

you the information for the charities when we’re back at the Coro nado.”

“Thank you, dear. Not many people turn down gifts, no matter how many things they have. I’ll be happy to make a donation in your honor.”

Elsie pulled a colorful brochure out of her purse and perused the Lips schedule. “I’d like to come back for the drag karaoke. I’ve always wanted to sing onstage.The brochure says,’Remember … frozen cos mos alleviate stage fright!’That’s so true.”

Margery nearly swallowed her cigarette in surprise.

“I was brought up Catholic,” Helen said. “I’m tempted by the Bitchy Bingo with Misty Eyez on Wednesday nights.”

“I’m going for Dinner with the Divas,” Peggy said.”I can ‘dress to impress’ and dine with drag versions of Cher, Madonna, Diana Ross, Tina Turner and Bette Midler.”

“If you want to dress up, you should go for the Glitz and Glamour Las Vegas Style on Friday and Saturday,” Margery said.

“Those are my date nights,” Peggy said.”I don’t think Daniel would enjoy it.”

“But they’d like him,” Margery said.”Daniel is cute.”

“I can’t wait to meet your new gentleman,” Elsie said.”Helen, thank you so much for letting me be in your wedding.You’ve made me very happy. I’ve had such fun choosing my bridesmaid dress.”

“What color is it?” Helen asked.

“Pink,” Elsie said.”But the rest is a surprise.”

“Whatever you wear is always a surprise,” Margery said.

Helen glared at her landlady. She didn’t want anything to interfere with Elsie’s fun.

“My granddaughter went with me and helped me pick out the outfit,” Elsie said.”I hope you’ll like it.”

“I’m sure I will,” Helen said.The bachelorette party had been hilari ous, but something about it bothered her.There was something impor tant Helen had to remember. Something she had to tell Phil.

“Now, you must tell us how the wedding plans are going,” Elsie said, interrupting her thoughts. For the rest of the trip home, Helen talked about ordering the flowers, the food, the cake and all the other wedding trivia. She was bored by it, but they seemed interested.

They reached the Coronado at the peak of the afternoon heat.The old apartment complex had a sunburned look. Josh and Jason, the rent ers in 2C, were sunning themselves by the pool. Both had bottles of beer and matching sneers.

Margery introduced them to Elsie. “So pleased to meet you,” Elsie said in her fluttery voice.”You look familiar.What do you do?”

Josh and Jason pointedly ignored Elsie.

“They’re in construction,” Margery said.

“I have that charity information in my apartment,” Helen said, hur rying Elsie away from the rude boys. She didn’t want that gentle soul to get her feelings hurt.

“I know I’ve seen them before,” Elsie said. “I think those are the young men working on my neighbor’s house.”

“You’re drunk,” Margery said.”Guys that age all look alike.”

“I am drunk,” Elsie said. “But I know what I saw.Those boys are repairing my neighbor’s roof. They said they had a special discount for people over sixty-five. I’m thinking of asking them to look at my roof, too.”

Helen had a sick feeling that the curse of 2C had struck again.