Killer's Prey (18 page)

He didn’t argue with her, although she had no idea whether it was because he wouldn’t offer false reassurances, or because he didn’t know how to respond.

“Nora?” he questioned finally.

“Don’t you get it, Jake? When I asked you to take me to the prom, that wasn’t some wild impulse. I’ve wanted you ever since I was old enough to understand what that meant, and even before when I didn’t know what it was. All along I’ve wanted you, and now you keep saying you want me, but pull away.”

“Nora...”

“I know you think you’re protecting me. Maybe you are. But can you promise me tomorrow? Nobody can promise tomorrow will come. What if it’s this night and no other? What if there’s never another chance? Stop protecting me from myself!”

He was silent for so long that fear began to replace the desire that pulsed, growing stronger, then weaker but never, ever dissipating, not even all those years she had been in Minneapolis. Had she done it again? Pushed him into a position where he would reject her? Perhaps not so brutally this time, but rejection all the same.

But she needed this settled. He’d reawakened hopes she’d been trying to bury for so long. He’d brought them all the way back to life. She needed a damn answer, at this point
any
answer, no matter how painful.

She felt him draw breath, and she tensed, expecting a blow.

“All those years ago, like I told you, I was cruel because I was protecting myself and the commitment I’d made to Beth. I was trying not to do something wrong. Instead I did the worst thing possible. I lashed out at you. The things I said still keep me up some nights.”

She drew a ragged sigh, but refused to say any more. Let him say what he would.

“Maybe,” he continued slowly, “I’m not just protecting you. Maybe I’m protecting myself again, too.”

“From what?”

“From how I’d feel if I took advantage of you in some way. Truthfully, Nora, what if it turns into a one-night stand for some reason? Would that wound you? Would it wound me if we made love tonight and you decided I wasn’t all that and it was time to move on? And for God’s sake, can you please tell me how you can still want me after what I did to you back then? You ought to hate me forever.”

“But I don’t,” she said quietly. “I’ve learned something about myself over the years. Yes, I was an abuse victim as a child. Yes, it made me more inclined to accept abuse as normal. Yes, I was wounded by what you said, hurt to my very core. But I have to own up to something.”

“What’s that?”

“I realized that I set that up. You were the last and only reason I had to stay here, and even though I didn’t consciously realize it at the time, I was cutting that tie. I knew you were going to tell me no.”

“But I didn’t have to be so brutal!”

“It helped me pack my suitcase and leave. It propelled me in a way all my dreaming didn’t. So you weren’t solely responsible for what happened. Honestly, Jake, embarrassing as it is to admit it, I never for a moment thought you were going to say yes to me, not to take me to the prom, not to sleep with me.”

“But...”

She stirred and he fell silent again, waiting. “At the time, I was crushed. I admit it. Hopes died, but other hopes took over. It required a lot of therapy and a long time to realize I had set myself up for that so that I wouldn’t waver in my decision to leave. As a therapist, I have to say, sometimes we’re smarter than we realize. It was a dumb move, I didn’t get why I did it back then, but in the end it turned out to be just what I needed.”

“I’ll still never really forgive myself. No matter what you say.”

“I wish you would. I’m not sure it would have worked as well if you’d been gentle. I was cutting the last tie that held me here.”

“Me.”

“You.”

“Wow,” he breathed.

“Yeah.” She ducked her head a bit, not wanting to even glimpse his face after that admission. “Anger took over from hurt, and kept pushing me to achieve other goals in other places. I had to do it one way or another. I did it. I’m not proud of it, and even less so when I realize you’re still beating yourself up over it. But there it is.”

“But you were still so angry when I picked you up in Denver.”

“I nursed my anger against you for a long time. But by the time you picked me up, that was a minor thing compared to everything else that had happened. And yes, I was wounded. I won’t deny that. But I put myself out there for it.”

“I still shouldn’t have said those things.”

“I shouldn’t have put you in that position. So maybe we should both forgive each other and ourselves. When you look back on it, remind yourself that you were my escape module. My rocket pack. Whatever.”

After a few seconds, he began to stroke her side again, and she felt him relax. “Okay. I’ll accept that, but I’m still not happy with the way I behaved.”

“All of us have those moments and regrets.” As he relaxed and continued stroking her side, she relaxed, too, into his embrace, enjoying being held by him. Her earlier frustration had seeped away, a necessary confession had been made and she’d already had time to accept that her own behavior back then had probably been necessary to her survival. She needed to give him some time, too, no matter how much she wanted him this very moment.

“Just suppose,” she said, “that you had said yes. It wouldn’t have worked for us back then at all. We both know that. So it might have been an even worse wound if you had been kind. Let’s just let it go.”

But he didn’t quite do that. “You really wanted me all those years?”

“I don’t think it ever stopped,” she admitted. “I was always attracted to you. But then, so was half the school.”

“I doubt that. I was just another rancher’s son. Nobody special.”

“Hah!” A short laugh escaped her.

She felt more than heard the chuckle deep in his chest. “I guess we didn’t see things the same way.”

“Apparently not.”

“But I
did
see you,” he offered. “I felt an attraction to you, too. I still don’t know why I was stupid and ignored it.”

Some questions had no answers, so she didn’t even try.

“Maybe I was just too busy growing up and I was a typical teenage fool,” he said presently.

“We all were.”

“No kidding. But I also know I admired the way you left and moved on. I think I told you before, but while a lot of people I knew back then talked about it, almost nobody but you managed it.”

“I had more reason than most to leave.” It was as simple as that. She didn’t think of herself as courageous or admirable. She’d needed to escape her father, and she’d used Jake to give her the final push. There was nothing in that to create pride.

“What about now?” he asked. “Do you still hate it here?”

“I never hated this town. I hated the way I was treated by the other kids and by my father, but I never hated this place. I actually missed it while I was away.”

“But Minnesota must be beautiful.”

“It is. Gorgeous, but different. I’m glad to be back near the mountains.”

“But you’ll want to get back to Minneapolis, I assume.”

She wondered if that was more than a simple question, but she couldn’t tell and did ask. His gentle stroking of her side was beginning to heat the fires that never quite went out, and a slow, deep throb, though still gentle, had begun between her legs. “I don’t think so,” she said finally. Why did it feel as if all the air was draining from the room?

“Somewhere else, then?”

“I doubt it. I’d like to find a way to come back here, I think.”

Then he asked, totally out of context, “Can you forget the creep tonight? Just tonight?”

“Of course. With that storm blowing out there...”

It had made her feel safe, and she had actually been doing a pretty good job of not thinking about him at all.

But her statement seemed to unleash him. All of a sudden he was holding her tighter, tipping her face up and diving in for the deepest kiss she had ever experienced.

When he tore his mouth from hers, he said, “You can stop me at any time. I promise.”

Right then she didn’t want to stop anything. The sky could have been crashing down and she wouldn’t have wanted him to stop. She had only the vaguest idea of what she was asking for, but she had wanted it for so long she wasn’t going to pass up what might be her only opportunity.

But she also understood his point. She might discover hidden land mines after what had happened to her. She might find she was broken in ways she hadn’t really pondered. He was telling her it was okay if she did.

God, how could she have ever believed this man to be cruel because of one thing he had done when he was little more than a child?

She knew a lot of nice men, but few had struck her as being as kind and gentle as Jake. When she thought about his life, about him being a rancher and a cop, that gentleness amazed her all the more.

Not that he didn’t have a tough side, as well. It had come out with her father, a steeliness she wished she could emulate herself.

But not right now. Steeliness wasn’t a part of what was happening inside her now. No, she was melting, beginning to understand how a warm puddle of honey could feel as everything inside her softened in ways she had never dared to soften before.

Letting go. Letting go of everything except the sweep of his tongue in her mouth and the sweep of his hand along her side. Every last bit of tension seeping away in the most delightful of heats.

A vast yearning built alongside the heat. Yearning for Jake, but also yearning for a real, normal life. To be a normal woman with a normal man, with normal hopes and dreams.

Jake had figured in those hopes and dreams for a long time, and now he was starring in them again. Right now she didn’t feel like arguing the wisdom of those feelings. All she wanted was the experience of being with Jake as she had once imagined it. Imaginings that clearly didn’t approach reality.

He rose from the chair, still holding her in his arms. She missed his kiss, but before that could settle in, excitement began to rise in her, roaring as strongly as Niagara Falls. He walked toward the stairs and began the climb, each step bringing them closer to a dream fulfilled.

Her entire body began to throb in time with her heart. At last. At long last.

* * *

Jake was losing his mind. He knew it and didn’t give a damn. This was a huge risk with a woman so wounded. He could give her new hurts without meaning to. He could pick up a few himself if she rejected him for any reason.

But he was past fighting the battle. He’d fought his attraction to her once before, and the price had been heavy for both of them. This time only she could stop him. He sure as hell wasn’t going to stop himself.

His groin felt heavy. He had already stiffened inside his jeans and couldn’t wait to shed their confinement. There was only one place his manhood wanted to be now, and that was buried in Nora’s warm depths.

He had to fight down the deafening drumbeat inside his own head, get a rein on the desire that pulsed through him, so heavy and demanding. Had to find some shred of control over the ache that wanted to turn him mindless in its search for satisfaction.

He wanted this to be perfect for her, but damned if he knew how to accomplish that. It was a sorry thing for a man of thirty to admit he’d had only one lover in his life: his ex-wife. But in a place this small, scattering wild oats could be dangerous, and there weren’t a lot of opportunities.

Nor had he really wanted them. Beth had burned him badly. Climbing these stairs with another woman, especially one he had already hurt, might well be the act of a supreme fool.

But need drove him. Every rational thought he tried to summon got washed away in the growing tide of hunger.

He ached. He nearly trembled with anticipation and thirst for this woman’s body, for their union.

Common sense played no part in this. He felt the same kind of anticipation he’d felt his first time, perhaps more so because he knew some of the pleasures he would find.

He felt as randy as an eighteen-year-old in the backseat on a warm summer night. And as nervously hopeful. Would she let him? Just this one touch? Just this one pass at fondling her breast? Would she slap him down?

God, it would have been funny if he weren’t so driven.

But he remembered her allowing him to kiss her from head to foot essentially, standing there shivering. He wondered if she had even realized how badly she had been shaking when he’d started showing her that her scars didn’t repel him. They angered him, but he felt no repulsion at all.

When they reached his room, he was careful not to put her anywhere near the mirror. He didn’t want her to see herself again for fear that not even his earlier actions had been reassuring enough.

He cupped her face in his hands as she stood by the bed until she opened her eyes sleepily. “You’re sure?”

He hated to ask that question, didn’t want to ask anything at all, just act, but he owed them both this.

“Yes,” she breathed. “Oh, yes.”

Then she astonished him, reaching up to twine her arms around his neck and lean into him. The feel of her pressed to him hit him hard with strengthening need. “God,” he muttered, “I want you so bad I’m going to rush my fences.”

A sound that was almost a purr escaped her. “I like that.” Her voice hitched as her breaths grew shorter.

He was almost panting like a runner at the end of a race, and this had barely started. He was sure in a blinding instant that he had never wanted Beth the way he wanted this woman. Never.

God, he’d been a damned fool.

Then astonishment nearly froze him. Quiet, restrained, fearful Nora began to tug at the buttons on his flannel shirt. If ever life had given him a green light, this was it.

Filled with impatience, encouraged, he swept her hands aside and yanked the shirt over his head. He watched her face for clues, but all he saw was the faintest of smiles around her mouth, as if he had just pleased her. Then she pressed her palms to him.

“You feel so good,” she whispered.

He forced himself to remain mostly still as her small hands ran over him, tracing contours of muscles all the way to the tops of his jeans. His blood pounded, his body ached in every single cell.