Kiss and Cry (18 page)

Adam: Hi! Friends? (He selected a yellow face waving white flag and placed it next to his message)

Dalia: Sure! Why not?

Adam: I never C U on FB

Dalia: I’m > in2 texting!:-) I’m only on FB once in a while.

Adam: Check R. side of screen, I invited U 2 New Years Party.

Dalia: Cool, will try 2 make it.

I saw the invite and clicked on it out of curiosity to see who accepted, declined or clicked maybe. He looked like he was going to have a good turnout. I went back to his dialog box after.

Adam: How’s U’r friend?

Dalia: Which 1?

Adam: Sierra, Jeremy told me about what happened between them.

Dalia: She’s had a rough year.

Adam: It hasn’t been roses 4 Jeremy either. I’m surprised he’s still talking to Ryan!

Dalia: Really? Why wouldn’t he B talking 2 Ryan?

Adam: Nobody told U?

Dalia: I wouldn’t be asking if I knew!

Adam: I shouldn’t be the 1 2 tell U..

Dalia: U have me curious now, I won’t say anything.

Adam: The baby Sierra aborted couldn’t have been Jeremy’s.

Dalia: Get the Fuck Out! I’m her best friend, she would have told me if she was cheating on Jer

Adam: She wasn’t cheating on HIM,

Dalia: ?

Adam: It was conceived with R.Y.A.N.

Dalia: No! She wouldn’t.. He wouldn’t.. That can’t B!

Adam: I’m sorry D., U should know the truth about U’r best friends. If U want U can talk 2 Jeremy, I’m sure he’d B > than happy 2 tell U what really happened. Text me when U’r ready. I’ll take U to him.

I sat back in my chair dumbfounded. There was NO WAY this was true. Adam probably fabricated this to get back with me or something.

Mom called up, “Dinner is ready!”

I composed myself and slowly walked down the stairs doing the math. According to her ultrasound results she had to have gotten pregnant late August. Jeremy and Sierra broke up in June because it was when I had my break from skating in the summer.

Why was I so stupid? Did I think she had an immaculate conception? It never dawned on me to ask her whether she got back with Jeremy or found someone else? I begged her to reconsider the abortion. He was angry that she terminated the baby, and that I got involved. I needed to get the truth out of Jeremy because if Tara knew, she wasn’t telling me. She was keeping their dirty secret.

I joined mom and dad at the dinner table, but I wasn’t there.

I checked my phone after dinner, it was flashing blue. It was a text from Ryan:

Ryan: U’r friends with Adam on FB?

I ignored his text and texted Adam:

Dalia: I’m ready, I need 2 C Jeremy.

Adam: I’ll pick U up in 10

I waited in the living room waiting to see headlights. The black mustang pulled up and I slipped out quickly before my parents could stop me. I jumped into his car closing the door and putting on my seatbelt on before texting mom so she wouldn’t worry:

Dalia: Mom, had 2 run out 4 a bit with a friend. B back soon.

Adam pulled into Jeremy’s and I changed seats getting into the back while we waited for him to come out.

Jeremy got into the car and lit a cigarette, “Sorry dude, I’ve been dying for a cigarette all night,” he turned back to look at me. “My parents don’t know I smoke,” he explained. Jeremy spun back to face Adam after catching a glimpse of me, “You fucking told her didn’t you?”

“Shouldn’t she know?” he defended himself.

“Ya, that’s the only reason you told her,” he said sarcastically. “It’s not because you want back with her or anything. You’re going to have to step back in that long fucking queue she has waiting for her.”

Adam looked at me in the rearview, “Just tell her.”

“Alone,” Insisted Jeremy, “come let’s talk Dalia.” We got out of the car and he took my hand,“Sierra broke up with me in early June. She dropped the bomb that she was pregnant in the end of summer. She swore the baby was mine. At first I insisted she terminate the pregnancy, but Ryan talked me out of it. I wasn’t suspicious of Ryan at that point, I just thought he was against abortions or something. We tried calling you, Tara, and Sierra and all of your phones were off, so we knew what you guys were doing. That’s when we started googling abortion clinics and then frantically went racing around trying to find you guys. Luckily, we recognized Tara’s car on our second stop.”

I remembered Ryan in the hotel asking Sierra, ‘Is it’s Jer’s?’ Now I realize, he was trying to determine if it was HIS!

“While we were waiting for you guys to come out, I did the math. The likelihood of me being the father was slim, because she probably would have been showing already. I told Ryan in the car that I didn’t think it was mine. He texted me confirming that she had the abortion. He must have realized in the car that it was his. Ryan had already dragged you away from us but when I got Sierra alone, I got her to admit that she was only seven weeks into the pregnancy. I demanded to know who the father was and she was so tight lipped on telling me who she was with I instinctively knew it had to be someone really close to me. Who could be closer, than my best friend. When I guessed Ryan, the look in her eyes told me everything.”

“So if that’s true, than why are you still friends with Ryan?”

“You know that saying about keeping your enemies close?”

“Did you confront him?”

“He doesn’t know I know.”

“Why not?”

“I thought I would let him stew in the fact that she aborted his baby for a while.”

I was numb and it wasn’t from the temperature outside. He held me close for a little while before walking me back to the car. He opened the front door and said to Adam, “Take care of her.”

He drove me home, on Christmas Day.

Keeping it Together

It was the hardest thing I ever had to do, but somehow I managed to wall myself off from my personal life and focus on the task at hand, skating. Ryan had been attributing my silence and distance from him to nerves and I never corrected him because that’s what saved me.

Our practices were a mess, but we managed to skate clean programs making it all the way to the Olympics. Everyone was buzzing about us. We were the new Canadian sweethearts that were expected to take gold this year. Dad and mom were glowing with pride when I got home from the final competition, they insisted on taking us out for a celebratory dinner. We chose to go four days before we were to compete in the Olympics. Unbeknownst to me Ryan was invited.

We waited for Ryan to come over to our house so we could all take one car. Ryan parked his Mercedes in our driveway and we piled into dad’s shitbox Honda. Normally I would have felt embarrassed but if it didn’t bother my father, then why should it bother me. I felt absolutely no need to impress Ryan after Jeremy and I spoke. I was going to have it out with him after we finished competing. I didn’t want to sacrifice all that we worked for over Ryan’s indiscretions.

Ryan was dressed dead sexy in a suit and tie. I found myself breathlessly attracted to him. Ryan got into our car and dad looked in his rearview mirror suggesting, “I’d like to try a new restaurant called Compagnolo. It used to be a coffee shop I always stopped at before going to work and now it’s an Italian restaurant receiving rave reviews.”

“Sounds good to me, thanks for inviting me Mr. Middleton,” Ryan said appreciatively.

Dad looked in the rearview at him, “Glad to have you with us! Call me Alex, son!” dad suggested proudly. In Ryan’s and my book there was no higher compliment than what dad had just showered on him. Too bad he wasn’t deserving of it. “Sweetheart, you’re okay with that too?”

“Sure,” mom said.

“Is it okay with you Honey?”

“Sounds great dad.”

It was just after six when we walked into the quaint restaurant that was full with the exception of two empty tables.

The hostess approached us asking, “How many?”

Dad looked at us, “Table for four please.”

She grabbed the menus and started leading us, “This way please.” She chose our table and then laid our menus out before we took our seats. “A waitress will be with you shortly,” she said as she walked away us.

Dad took a sip of his water, and then loosened his tie, “I’m not feeling well,” he complained. His forehead began beading up and his eyes rolled back. He started leaning in his chair like he was going to fall when Ryan caught him and lowered him to the ground. Mom gave this haunting scream that could probably be heard outside of the restaurant and then a person from another table called out, “Someone call 911!”

People at every table were reaching for their phones. Ryan got off his chair and kneeled down next to dad. He shook dad and then rubbed in the middle of the chest and asked, “Alex can you hear me?” He didn’t answer and then Ryan felt for a pulse on his neck. I was fastened to my chair in sheer terror. I had a front row seat to my biggest nightmare. When Ryan couldn’t feel a pulse he began chest compressions.

Ryan yelled, “Mr. Middleton! Alex!” just before the ambulance attendants came bursting through the door, his face was red and he was crying now. I never saw Ryan cry until tonight. My world was crumbling as my pillar of strength was lying before me motionless.

The ambulance attendants addressed my mom, “Mrs, can you tell us what happened?” Ryan continued the c.p.r. while the attendants were preparing their equipment and waiting for moms story.

“We sat down to have dinner, and he complained he wasn’t feeling well. He loosened his tie and took a sip of water. His eyes rolled back and then he collapsed right here. Ryan started CPR.”

There was no time to be concerned about daddy’s dignity, they tore his shirt from his chest, placing two large pads on him. The first attendant said everyone stand back, and a shock was administered. My dads lifeless body lifted in response but there was still no heart beat. The second attendant continued c.p.r. and they checked for his pulse again, when they didn’t find it, they gave dad a second shock. They stopped after the third. They looked at mom when they finished and said, “We’re so sorry.”

“That’s it?” I screamed. “You’re stopping?” I turned to Ryan desperately, “Ryan do something! They’re not doing anything to save him! You have to save him. Please!” I kneeled down next to daddy grabbing his collar, “Don’t leave me, you promised you’d never leave me. You’re my rock! You have to watch me compete, the Olympics is just a few days away, it’s our dream!” I turned to mom, “I need him so much! There’s so much he has to see! Who will give me away if I ever get married? My kids won’t have a grandfather,” then I collapsed as the glue that held my heart together disintegrated. My heart was broken.

Mom and Ryan were shocked into a profound silence both appearing pale as ghosts. I couldn’t imagine my own appearance and I didn’t care. I laid my head on daddy’s warm chest, wishing it to rise and fall. For all of this to be wrong, an awful mistake, or a dream. I pinched myself but nothing changed.

The restaurant was evacuated which was fitting under the circumstances.

Ryan called his mother out of a meeting, but when he tried to talk to her words wouldn’t come. He was crying too hard, so the ambulance attendant took his phone and finished his conversation for him. He told her what happened and gave her directions to the restaurant.

The ambulance attendant asked my mom to see dad’s health card and they copied daddy’s information. They reassured her that she didn’t have to come to the hospital unless she wanted pills for herself. They told her where they were taking him, and advised her to give a funeral home of her choice a call in the morning. The owner of the restaurant waited with us until Ryan’s mom came.

Sara arrived at the restaurant and she immediately filled with tears when she saw me draped over dad’s chest on the floor, “Come on, you guys can stay with us. We’ll get your car later Ryan.” Sara put her arm around mom and guided her out of the restaurant. Ryan physically had to remove me from dad carrying me as I wept hysterically.

When we got to Ryan’s house, Sara opened the door and asked, “Can I get anyone anything?” Everyone shook their heads and then she offered for my mother to sleep with her. Mom agreed to it and they left me alone with Ryan.

Ryan carried me to his bedroom. I sat down on the edge of his queen bed with a slow and steady stream of tears running down my face that hadn’t let up since the restaurant.

He removed all of my clothing with the exception of my underwear and he dug through his dresser finding a normal T-shirt that he helped me get into. He laid me under his covers and began to walk away when I managed to say, “Don’t go,” in a weak and shaky voice.

He removed his clothes with the exception of his underwear and got into bed with me. He held me against his chest, the same way I laid with dad. He whispered, “I’m so sorry.”

His eyes were red and tears were running down his cheeks, the way mine were. He lifted my chin and kissed me slowly and deliberately. His fingers slid into my panties kneading me, preparing me for HIM. He mounted me as I cried into his chest, heart felt compassion pouring freely from him.

The Funeral

The sun peaked through Ryan’s sheer, waking me up. For a fraction of a second, yesterday never happened. When that fraction was over, the harsh reality would set in and the loss would feel fresh all over again. All my mornings started off the same way.

Mom called the funeral home the day after dad died. Ryan and his mother made the rest of the arrangements for us.

The funeral was scheduled to happen in the early afternoon and then Ryan and I would go immediately to Pearson International to catch our flight headed for the Olympics.

I marched into mom and dad’s bedroom where I felt dad all around me and found mom lying in the dark, weeping into her pillow. I made my mind up and I was determined to forfeit the competition and stay home with her.

I sat next to her on the bed and said, “Mom, I can’t go through with it. I need to be here with you.”