Kissing Toads (25 page)

‘She hasn't any good relations to maintain,' I said.

‘Go along with me here,' HG said, switching out of diplomatic mode. ‘I'm not going to end in the divorce courts because of a TV programme. I don't mind looking like a bastard, but I'm buggered if I'm going to look like a fool.'

‘I hadn't thought of that,' I said, disarmed by this sudden frankness. ‘It must be tough, having an image like yours to live up to.'

‘It is. My image, as you call it, has survived a lot of shit, but it would never outlast my being dumped over a makeover show.'

‘You could always pretend you were having an affair with Delphinium after all,' I suggested.

‘I'd rather have one with you.' Hell. He really was
very
charming when he chose to be. ‘I'm giving up viragos in future.'

‘Delphi will never apologise,' I said, ‘and frankly, I don't see why she should. Basilisa got physical first. Delphi was just defending herself.' With a vengeance.

‘Like I said, the apology's deferred. Let's finish the job in hand and then we can sort out the fine detail. When my garden looks the way I want . . .'

‘All right,' I conceded. I didn't really need to be back on the breadline. ‘But how do we keep the peace in the meantime?'

‘It's a large castle. Basilisa will behave, now her position has been made clear.' I couldn't help speculating exactly what that position was. ‘It's up to you to manage Delphinium.'

I nodded, concealing inner qualms. Delphi might not demand Basilisa's head on a platter, but she wasn't going to be in the mood for self-restraint.

‘As for mealtimes,' he concluded, ‘I'll see Basilisa eats with me, not in the main dining room. That should simplify matters. Deal?' He extended his hand, his smile making wicked little wrinkles at the corner of his eyes. He might be old, short and string-and-sinew thin, but he was still a knockout. I succumbed to the handshake and found myself smiling in return.

‘Deal,' I said.

(‘HG's got quite a thing for you,' Russell said later. ‘Better watch out, or you'll top the Basilisk's hit list.')

Once HG had gone I was pounced on by everyone to find out what had happened, what was happening, and, if possible, what would happen next. I said we were all still in work (cheers), Basilisa would play HG's wife (boos), and the object was to carry on as usual (silence).

‘What about Delphi?' Alex protested, putting his arm around her in a protective gesture. He had evidently decided to constitute himself her champion, even though he was a little late on the scene. ‘That dago bitch actually
assaulted
her. We should be suing for compensation.'

‘Basilisa wants compensation too,' I said, ‘so they cancel each other out.'

‘Compensation is for wimps!' Delphi pronounced, discarding Alex's arm. ‘The point is, I can't work with her – even at a distance. None of us can. The laird's wife was supposed to be a braw Scottish lassie, whatever that means. Basilisa looks about as Scottish as a plate of cold tapas. She makes nonsense of the whole historical thing.'

‘That isn't your problem,' I said. ‘Look—'

‘What d'you mean, it
isn't my problem
?
I
'm the star of this show,
I
got you your job—'

‘You recommended me, yes, but—'

‘
I got you the job
,' Delphi's voice was shrilling at danger point, ‘and now you're letting me down!'

‘No she isn't,' Russell interceded with a gallant disregard for his own safety, ‘
you're
letting
her
down. You may have helped her to get the job in the first place, but she's kept it on her own merits – and she put herself on the line for you earlier today, in case you've forgotten. The least you can do is back her up now.'

‘Well,
excuse
me,' Alex said, ‘but I think Delphi's just a little more important to this programme than Roo—'

‘
Do
shut up!' snapped Delphi, rounding on him with a capriciousness that was extreme, even for her. ‘This isn't about whether Roo's more important than me or any of that shit, it's about bloody Basilisa. She hit me, she tried to pinch the role of Elizabeth Courtney, and she's probably poisoned me as well, but I'm supposed to just
overlook
it?'

‘Yes,' I said, screwing my courage to the sticking point, ‘you are. I was employed to get this series made, and that's what I intend to do. I'm sorry if you think I'm letting you down, but I'm not going to let Crusty down by forcing HG to welsh on us, and I'm not going to let everyone else down by putting them all out of work. I never said so, but I always knew working with you was a mistake. I love you, but you're every bit as selfish and thoughtless as Basilisa, and if you did me a favour it was only because you expected me to be your yes-woman. Well, I won't. I'm going to do this job my way, and if you don't like it you can lump it.'

‘Roo . . .' Under her screen make-up Delphi was almost white. I'd never spoken to her like that in my life. Maybe it was long overdue, but it didn't make me feel good. ‘You . . . you
traitress
! I got you that job when you were totally suicidal, and now – I'm quitting this programme, I'm quitting right this
second
, and that will destroy you with Crusty and anyone else who matters! You'll never get work as a producer again!'

‘You sound
exactly
like the Basilisk!' I said, fighting an idiotic urge to burst into tears. ‘Next thing you'll be calling me a beach!'

‘Beach!' Delphi screamed. ‘Beach and superbeach!' She stormed off, brushing Alex aside like a mosquito, leaving me trembling and inwardly wretched.

Ten minutes later Crusty rang. I answered my mobile so promptly I didn't have time to register the caller's number. ‘Hello?'

‘You left a couple of messages for me,' Crusty said. ‘Got a problem?'

‘N-no. No, of course not. It's just . . . HG's wife Basilisa's turned up, back from the Caribbean. She wants to play a minor role . . .'

‘Make sure it stays minor,' Crusty said. ‘She'll be all wrong, but never mind. Bit of the price for doing the series. HG likes to keep her sweet. Wouldn't fancy her myself, but he's a rock star: they go for that type. Should have thought he'd be happier with someone a bit less . . . Still, she's hot stuff. Or so they say.' Perhaps he had the same sources as Morty.

‘Thing is,' Crusty went on, ‘she can be a bit of a drama queen, Latin temperament and all that. Handle her tactfully.'

‘I'll do my best,' I said.

‘Good girl,' said Crusty (he'd never heard of sexism). ‘Knew I could rely on you.'

Everyone knows they can rely on me, I thought bitterly. If there's a gene for reliability, I've got it. But that's my problem.

When we had finished for the day, I retreated to the kitchen. Ash was there too, but I was past caring.

‘Alcohol,' I told Cedric without preamble.

‘I gather it's been quite a day,' Ash said with his usual understatement.

‘
I
heard the two she-demons came to blows,' Cedric said with relish. ‘Must've been worth seeing.'

‘If you like blood sports,' I said. ‘And Delphi isn't a she-demon. She's just a little . . . hot-tempered.'

‘Heard
you
had a set-to with her as well,' Cedric said. ‘Flounced off in a huff and hasn't been seen since. Doing a good job, aren't you?' He handed me a strong smell of whisky with a small glass half full of golden liquid in its wake.

‘Your spies are everywhere,' I said moodily. I took a gulp of the whisky, which wasn't a good idea. It slipped smoothly down my throat and exploded. Heat coursed through me; my cheeks flamed.

‘Not really a whisky drinker, are you?' Cedric commented brightly.

‘Take it gently,' Ash advised. ‘You look pretty upset.'

‘I
hate
arguing with Delphi,' I said when I got my voice back. ‘I hardly ever do. And I said things . . .'

‘True things?' Ash asked.

‘Umm. Sort of.'

‘I see. Those are the worst. It doesn't matter what you call someone if it isn't true because it doesn't hurt. Only the truth hurts.'

‘Do you have to be quite so . . .'

‘Truthful?'

We were sitting opposite each other, eye to eye. He smiled; I smiled. I couldn't help it. Suddenly, Cedric wasn't there.

Only of course he was.

‘You two having a Moment?' he said in his most disagreeable voice.

Ash ignored him. ‘Sometimes, the true things have to be said, no matter how painful they are,' he continued. ‘You can't go on bottling them up for ever. Maybe you needed to clear the air. Maybe she needed to hear them. Have you ever worked with her before?'

‘No. I really didn't want to. She's been my best friend all my life, but . . . I was afraid of the pressure we'd be under, afraid of . . . this. Now it's happened. I've said things that can't be unsaid.' I stared down into the depths of the whisky. It didn't help.

‘Then say new things. Go to her. Make it up. Making up isn't difficult once you get started. It's the starting that takes nerve.'

‘I never apologise,' Cedric volunteered. ‘'Pologising is a weakness. You go through life saying sorry all the time you're just asking to be trodden on. Sorry for this, sorry for that, sorry for existing—'

The speech was all too familiar. ‘Oh shut up,' I said. ‘Why don't you get your teeth fixed? You've got a smile like an orc.'

It really was my day to upset
everyone
.

It was about half an hour before dinner and I was standing outside Delphi's door, two large whiskies to the good (or bad) and still feeling trembly inside. I knew Delphi was in there because I'd run into Alex on my way up.

‘I wouldn't if I were you,' he said. ‘She's so miffy she's snapping everyone's head off. I'm not even allowed in to have a shower. Oh, and I don't think you're Miss Bridesmaid-of-Honour any more – in fact, I bet you're right off the invitation list.'

He sounded positively spiteful about it, but perhaps that was his concept of loyalty.

I said, ‘Thanks,' I don't know why – a verbal reflex – and went up anyway.

The heat of the whisky evaporated at the door. I'd refused to apologise to Cedric on the grounds that apologising was a weakness, but somehow Ash had smoothed things over, though I'd left Cedric peering in a hand mirror (he kept one in the kitchen) and contemplating cosmetic dentistry. Now all I had to do was knock, say sorry, make up . . .

Supposing she wouldn't? Supposing I'd lost my best friend for good?

I stood there, trapped by my own hesitancy, waiting for my knuckles to tap on the door panel all by themselves. Then I heard the rattle of the key. The handle turned. I hadn't knocked, but the door opened.

‘Roo!' Delphi said. ‘I was . . . I was coming to find you . . .'

‘I came to find you—'

‘I'm so sorry,' she began.

‘I'm so sorry—'

‘I've been awful—'

‘No,
I
've been awful—'

‘You're trying so hard to make a go of things, inspite of Basilisa and . . . and people, and I made it worse for you . . .'

‘No, no – I should've supported you – I
do
support you – you were quite right to bite her, except you could have gone for the jugular . . .'

‘I'll do better next time!'

‘I'm sorry I called you selfish . . .'

‘I'm sorry I called you a beach . . .'

We hugged, made up, said sorry all over again.

‘I
am
selfish sometimes,' Delphi said candidly. ‘I'll try not to be, but I can't always help it. After all, if
I
didn't think of me first, nobody else would.'

‘Alex?' I said.

‘Don't be silly. Alex is selfish too. It's another thing we have in common. That's why we're so well suited.'

I couldn't find an answer to that, much as I wanted to.

‘You're the only truly unselfish person I know,' Delphi said, ‘and that's why I worry about you. You need a bit of selfishness to survive. Unselfish people are always last in the queue at the great checkout of life.'

‘I'll bear that in mind,' I said.

‘I want you to be at the front,' Delphi persisted. ‘With me.'

We went down to dinner together – late, since Delphi insisted I change – and I had time to tell her in detail about my conversation with HG, and how kind he'd been.

‘He's got a thing for you,' Delphi declared. ‘It's on account of your being a good listener and all that. Hot God has the hots for you – wow! Wow and triple wow. It ought to be me, but I don't mind because I'm
not
a good listener and, anyway, I'm going to marry Alex. It's a pity he's so old – HG, I mean. I don't suppose you could . . . ?'

‘He's drop-dead attractive, but no, I couldn't. Even if he was twenty years younger I couldn't. The thought of getting involved with a huge international rock star would scare me shitless. Anyway, he's married to the Basilisk, in case you've forgotten.'

Delphi waved that aside. ‘A detail. He's long overdue for divorce. D'you really think he's attractive? You ought to go for it – marry him. Even if he's dead in ten years, you'll be a fabulously wealthy widow. You'll be forty-two, but that's no age nowadays, and, anyway, you'd be able to afford amazing plastic surgery. Honestly, Roo, you should give it a try. I'm being very unselfish about this, too – marrying HG would make you a much bigger star than me.'