Kitty Kitty (20 page)

⁶
Jas: I surrender.
BadJas: You do? Why?
Jas: Because this is stupid. We shouldn’t be at odds, we should be working together. You can be in charge. I’ll just lay low.
BadJas: For real?
Jas: Sure. I was being too bossy. Come here and we’ll hug.
BadJas: That’s really—hey, what are you doing with the duct tap—Jas: You. Can. Not. Use. The. Word. Smolder. Three. Times. In. One. Sentence.
BadJas:
Smurflflkkekreer!

⁷
Jas: Ack! No! Faeries kissing?
BadJas: LE BWAHAHAHA!
Jas: Look, can we call a truce? Just for right now?
BadJas: Will you lift your moratorium on smoldering?
Jas: Yes.
BadJas: Done.

⁸
BadJas: And the top prize in the Suck Romantic Tension from the Room sweepstakes goes to…YOU!
Jas: There shouldn’t be any romantic tension. We have a boyfriend.
BadJas: Who is back in LA, frolicking with women named after toothsome treats.
Jas:
La la lalala la, I cannot hear that—
BadJas: Do you really think you’d be half so interested in this investigation if you didn’t think that Jack—
Jas:
—la la la la la LA, no one is saying anything!
BadJas: I am not going to stop stating Deep Truths just because you are humming the Smurf song.
Jas: What about show tunes? Ha! I see you quivering!

⁹
BadJas: Except Jack who was probably still splashing around in the candlelit bathtub.
Jas: LE SHUT UP!

¹⁰
Polly: I’m not speaking to you until you take off those pants. And neither are Roxy or Tom.
Roxy: I don’t think—
Polly: I have the leftover doughnut holes from the plane in my bag.
Roxy: Lips zipped.

¹¹
BadJas: I pity the fool who takes my white leather pants away.
Polly: What? Who said that?
Jas: That’s BadJas. She says things I’m thinking but don’t want to be. And she might be right, P. I’ve been asked out twice since putting on my leather pants.
Polly: Give me the guy’s name so I can contact his parole officer.
Jas: Ha ha. I’m not ever getting these pants back, am I?
Polly: Of course you are, precious. You’ll be able to console yourself at my funeral with the fact that you may have lost a friend but you’ve regained your leather pants. You see, I am doing you an Act of Kindness.

¹²
Polly: Tom, you keep her busy while we get ready.
Tom: How?
Roxy: Talk amiably of this and that.
Tom: This and that?
Polly: Topics of general interest. You know, like music. We just need a few minutes to prepare.
Tom: Music. Got it.

¹³
Tom: This isn’t working. She’s not distracted.
Polly: You’re doing great! Keep it up!
Roxy: Try mentioning food. Jas likes food.
Tom: Food. Okay. Good idea.

¹⁴
Tom: Food didn’t work! Now what?
Polly: Play on her heartstrings.
Tom: I’ll try, but can you hurry it up?
Roxy: It takes time to build mind-control glasses! Go get her heartstrings and play upon them as on a lute.

¹⁵
Polly: Did you just describe Max as “irrepressibly hot“?
Jas: No, that wasn’t me, it was BadJas.
Polly: It sounded like you. Are things okay with you and Jack? He left a message on my cell phone that he was worried and really needed to talk to you about something.
Jas: Things are fine! We’re like two great tastes that go great together! We’re—
Polly: We shall speak of this anon.
Jas: Or anot.

¹⁶
Polly: Tell me this is all a horrible, horrible dream. Do you see that? You don’t, right? I’m having a psychotic episode, but that is okay because when I wake up there will be no poofy pants, no ankle boots, and no belly chains with fedoras.
Jas: You’re not having a psychotic episode.
Polly: DON’T SAY THAT!
Roxy: What’s going on?
Jas: Polly’s not psychotic.
Roxy: Are you sure? Her eyes are kind of rolling around in a weird way.
Polly: Puffy pants with ankle boots! Hold me!
Jas: Their outfits are totally Jordache. The look that everyone wants to know better.
Polly: I want my mom!Tom: Can I get some help over here? Anyone?

¹⁷
Roxy: Did you just call her “Sapphire”?
Jas: No, of course not. It’s Sapphyre. With a Y.

¹⁸
Roxy: And she just called Veronique Tiger’s Eye?
Jas: No, silly, Tiger’s *Eye. With a star in the middle, but the star is silent.

¹⁹
Roxy: What is the meaning of this?! Sapphyre. Tiger’s *Eye. I demand to know.
Jas: Those are their faerie names.
Roxy: HA HA HA—wait, you’re not kidding, are you?
Jas: Le not.
Roxy: What’s your faerie name?
Jas: Jas. The disdain is silent.
Roxy: Mine is going to be KettleKörn. With two capital K’s and an umlaut. But the umlaut is silent.
Jas: Naturall—

²⁰
Jas: Polly, what are you doing?
Polly: Just trying to get you into your water wings, precious.
Jas: I don’t think so.
Polly: Look, they even match your outfit.
Jas: N and also O.
Roxy: Polly says we have to wear them at all times while we’re in Venice to reduce the risk of drowning.
Jas: I don’t think you can reduce a risk that is technically zero.
Polly: How did Arabella Neal die?
Jas: She drow—
Polly: I restius my casius. Put. Them. On.
Jas: Mr. T would pity the fool who tried to make him wear floaties.
Roxy: Mr. T never met Polly.
Tom: Resistance is futile, Jas. Trust me.

²¹
Roxy: Passing three pizza places.

²²
Tom: Try “almond.” Almonds are blanched.
Jas: Thanks!

²³
BadJas: Excuse me, I thought we were having lunch with Max.
Jas: We said “maybe.” Plus, this is important. This is part of the investigation.
BadJas: Ah. You’re not just avoiding him because you kissed him and you’re jealous of whatever Jack is doing so you are Torn Between Two Lovers.
Jas: YOU kissed him.
BadJas: But YOU liked it.
Jas: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND.
BadJas: Who you’re not calling. Have you ever asked yourself why you do this? Get involved in these investigations? Could it be that you’d rather sort out other people’s problems than your own?
Jas: No. Why are you torturing me this way?
BadJas: Because it’s fun. Also because it’s important for you to understand your own motives so they don’t color your investigation. Right now, for example, you’re missing a crucial clue.
Jas: What clue?
BadJas: I can’t tell you.
Jas: What do you mean you can’t tell me? You ARE me.
BadJas: Bt I’m that part of your brain that is tricky. The part that tells you that you’re missing something but doesn’t tell you what.
Jas: You’re going to be the part of my brain that gets strangled in a second.
BadJas: You’re just hurting yourself here!
Roxy: Jas, sweetie, your pizza’s getting cold. Who are you growling at?
Jas: It’s a long story.

²⁴
Polly: By which, of course, you mean that I made a delightful sound of derision.
Jas: Of course. Just like an adorable piglet troubled by allergies.

²⁵
Polly: There is no such animal as a Balkanese puppy.
Jas: Yes, it’s a combination of Balky and a Pekingese. It means you were cute but willful.
Polly: It means I have a smashed-in face.
Jas: All the better for snorting with!
Polly: Okay, Crazelope. That is a combination of Crazy plus an antelope.
Roxy: What’s mine? I want it to be something like Snarlufflepagus. Snarly plus Snuffleupagus.
Jas: But you aren’t snarl—
Roxy: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!
Jas: Okay, Snarlufflepagus.

²⁶
Polly: Just so you know, I will personally kill you if you let anything like this happen to you again. You do realize that someone shot at you.
Jas: I didn’t hear any shot and no one else seems to have noticed. Are you le positive?
Tom: I found this.
Jas: What is it?
Tom: I’m pretty sure it’s a BB pellet from a BB air gun. Which is why there was no sound.
Jas: Could you tell what direction it came from? Or get any idea who shot it?
Tom: After you, uh, went down, I watched for anyone taking off extra fast like you told me to when we were looking for that Robin Hood of the Circus guy last year, but no one did. In fact, like you said, no one seemed to notice, so no one budged.
Jas: Clever.
Tom: Yeah. The only people in the square were—
Jas: A mime, a nun, an old man, and some schoolchildren.
Roxy: We can rule out the mime because I was talking to him. His name is Davos.
Jas: I so hope this doesn’t mean what I think it means.
Roxy: Davos♥ is Greek. I like Greek food. He says his mother is a very good cook.
Tom: Did you see the heart?
Jas: I’m hoping if we ignore it they will go away.
Tom: Good plan. Ignoring.
Jas: Roxy, I thought mimes weren’t supposed to talk.
Roxy: ♥Davos♥ made an exception for me. He has a lovely voice.
Tom: Ignoring really, really hard.
Polly: Hello? Team? Can we get back to how someone tried to kill our Jas?
Jas: BB guns don’t kill people, P. People with real guns kill people. If it was only a BB, then they were just trying to scare me.
Polly: That makes me feel much better.
Jas: It makes me pissed. Mr. T wouldn’t stand for this. They’re toying with me. Like a cat toy!
Polly: I just thought of a Little Life Lesson! Polly’s Little Life
Lesson: If you find yourself mad that you were not shot at with a real gun, seek professional help.
Jas: On the other hand, there would be no reason to scare me if I hadn’t gotten close to something. And since I was shot at near Prada, I could assume it was something I had—or could have— Iearned there. So actually, it’s a good thing.
Polly: Polly’s Little Life Lesson 2: Also, if anything about being shot at makes you happy.
Jas: Ho ho and also ho. Um, Roxy, what are you doing?
Roxy: Practicing my mime moves. Guess what I’m saying.
Tom: “You promised me a gelato but I have seen neither hide nor hair of it as of yet”?
Roxy: Exactly! ♥♥Davos♥♥ said I might be a natural.
Tom: Not. Working.
Jas: “You promised me a gelato but I have seen neither hide nor hair of it as of yet” would make a great song title.
Polly: Not to introduce a trivial note, but I don’t suppose after being shot at you’re ready to turn over everything Arabella gave you to the police and forget all about the investigation?
Jas: Sure, okay.
Polly: Sure, okay? Just like that? No arguing?
Jas: No. By the way, who is Lucien Wilder?
Polly: Don’t try to change the—wait, did you say Lucien Wilder?
Jas: Yeah. He’s someone famous, right?
Polly: He’s only a fashion legend and my idol. You know that, Jas.
Jas: Oh. Well, we were just invited to have dinner with him tonight.
Polly: What?!?
Jas: Just us and a few other people. Is it healthy for your eyes to pop out like that?
Polly: We were invited to an intimate dinner with Lucien Wilder? We have to go!
Jas: I’m glad you think so.
Polly: Why?
Jas: I just like to make you happy. Hey, what is Roxy doing now?
Polly: I believe that is “Doesn’t Jas’s Behavior Seem Suspicious?”
Roxy: No, it was—
Jas: Love to chat but Bobby’s off the phone. Excuse me.

²⁷
Roxy: I’ve been thinking. Maybe instead of trying to figure out who killed Mr. Neal or how, we should be looking at why.
Polly: What do you mean “why”?
Roxy: Well, you know how in movies a group of adventurous people will band together to try to steal a huge gem from the eye socket of an Incan idol? And then one of them makes off with it, leaving the others there to die? But one of the others always lives and comes back in disguise to exact a bloody revenge? That seems like a good idea to explore.
Tom: I’m not clear on that use of the phrase “good idea.” Or how you’re going to explore it.
Roxy: I’m going to ask probing yet subtle questions.
Tom: Ah. Of course.
Polly: What are some of your other ideas, Rox? And Tom, try to hold the pants straight while I’m cutting.
Roxy: What if his butler has a really beautiful daughter, and Mr. Neal had his way with her and got her pregnant and there’s an illegitimate child and now the butler has decided to exact a bloody revenge?
Tom: If he has a butler. Also his death wasn’t bloody. Polly, are you sure cutting the legs off Jas’s leather pants is a good idea?
Polly: One hundred percent le positive.
Roxy: Bloody revenge is just a figure of speech. Okay, what if Mr. Neal was part of an ancient blood cult and had decided to spill its secrets so they—
Tom: Exacted a bloody revenge?
Roxy: Now you’re cooking with gas! And of course there’s the Russian Mafia angle.
Tom: Of course. They are famous for their figurative bloody revenge exacting.
Roxy: Or maybe someone stood to make a lot of money on the stock market if he died.
Polly: Those are all really great ideas, Rox, and I will be aflutter to see what your subtle probing reveals. But truthfully, I’m more worried about Bobby Neal.
Roxy: What do you mean?
Polly: He could have been the shooter today. Like maybe instead of running away, he ran toward Jas, covering his tracks in reverse.
Tom: He doesn’t exactly seem like the type to think of that.
Roxy: That’s EXACTLY the type!
Polly: He could also have been the one who hit Jas over the head.
Tom: You mean the first time.
Roxy: Ha!
Polly: Pretend I am laughing. But he could have been. He was in the right place to follow Jas when she left Arabella’s. It all fits.
Tom: What do you want to do?
Polly: I say we should Be On Our Guard. Also Watchful. But I don’t think we should tell Jas. She has enough to worry about.
Jas: What are you guys talking about?
Roxy: Nothing, sweetie. Were you able to get Arabella’s prints?
Jas: Yeah, I’ve got two good ones. I did her phone too. Unfortunately, they all match the ones we found on the pen.
Roxy: Great!
Jas: No, le bad. It means the prints on the pen are Arabella’s. Which means we don’t have anything on the killer. What are you hiding behind your back?
Roxy: Ha ha, me hiding anything. You are such a funny joker.
Tom: Rox, is that thing you’re making supposed to smoke and hiss and have purple sparks like that?
Roxy: The purple sparks are an unexpected bonus. I wonder what they put in that stuff.
Jas: What stuff?
Roxy: Nothing. Evidenceland, Jas. That is your desired destination.
Jas: Seriously, what are you—oh my God, are those my leather pants?
Tom: I think the verb you’re looking for is “Were.”