Klutzy Love (5 page)

Luckily, Brenda had done as Corny instructed and stayed put in the booth. Brenda told him she would’ve kicked major ass if she’d brought her Colt revolver with her. He went over the whole night in his head and tried to figure out a way he could’ve changed the outcome. Nothing came to mind.

CHAPTER NINE

I was ecstatic the doctor released me to go home. Even with all the drugs they pumped into me, the constant beeping from the machines kept me awake.

My sweet Steve volunteered to drive me home and reassured my mom and dad that he’d take good care of me. If they knew how good he took care of me, they’d never let him near me. He got me comfortable on the couch and gave me magazines to read. He provided me with snacks, which consisted of peanut butter and jelly, spread thinly on saltines. He put them all within my reach. The less I had to move, the better. I know he wanted to talk about what happened. Every time I opened my eyes he looked as though he wanted to question me. I went to the bathroom and splashed water on my face. When I got back I said, “Go ahead and
grill me Sergeant Spears.”

“Why in the world did you go after that guy? He outweighed you by at least a hundred pounds. I’m a trained professional and had backup waiting outside; I was never in any real danger. Every time I think about what you and your friends did, it makes me break out in a cold sweat.”

“Steve, I have a few unique self-defense skills my brothers showed me at a young age, to protect me from unwanted male attention. And I’m enrolled at The Private Investigation Training Institute. My training w
ill be complete in forty-five days. They’re the only school to offer online training, video, and audio lessons, plus actual hands-on learning experiences with state-of-the-art techniques.”

“Why are you taking private investigator training?”

“I’m opening my own pet detective agency. It’s what I’ve always wanted to do. And I’m exceptional at finding animals.”

“That’s what the county’s animal control system is for.”

“Steve, what I do is different and it makes me happy to find missing animals.”

“Listen to me. Your reckless behavior scares the hell out of me. If you become some kind of a pet finder, who knows what kind of situations you’ll find yourself in and I won’t be there to help you.”

“I won’t need your help. I’ll be fully trained when I graduate.”

“That type of profession requires self-defense skills and honey, you’re lacking. I refuse to let you start a detective agency. In fact, that’s incredibly stupid and reckless. I won’t date a woman who would purposely put themselves in danger to find lost animals.”

“It’s my lifelong dream, which I’ve been working toward all my life. They’re not ‘just lost animals,’ they’re pets, and family members to many people.”

“No! You will not do it. I can’t support such a ridiculous occupation.”

“Are you breaking up with me because of my profession?”

“No, I’m asking you to stay at a job where you won’t get hurt.”

“I’m sorry, but I can’t. I’m not feeling well; you need to leave before I say something we both might regret.”

“Why can’t you be reasonable? Besides I can’t leave; I promised your parents I’d take care of you.”

“Give me the phone and I’ll call my mom and she can come over. I’ll tell her you had to go to work.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I’ll stay.”

“No, give me the phone please.”

“Fine, here you go.”

“Hey, Mom, Steve got called in on a special project and has to leave. Do you mind coming over for a little while?”

“Oh honey, I’ll be right over. Can he stay until I get there?”

“No, he needs to leave now, but I’ll be fine. I’m going to take a nap.”

“Okay honey.”

“My mom is on her way. You can leave now.”

“Corny, I’ll leave. But you need to think about what happened last night and how it could have turned out differently for you and your friends. You jumped on a guy who had a gun pointed at me. What if he pulled the trigger? What if I got shot, or one of my backup team? A patron or waitress could’ve followed you to the back room and they could have been shot. I had the situation under control when you turned it into an even more chaotic scene. You made a dangerous situation even more dangerous. My head is about to explode Corny. Good bye.”

He kissed my forehead before he left. That could’ve been our last kiss. He should’ve at least given me a goodbye kiss with a lot more tongue and slobber. But it was a lousy forehead-peck—what a rip off.

My mom thought it was sexy that Steve was a cop. If he was a car salesman and had to go back to work she wouldn’t have understood. Tears leaked down my cheeks and that made me even angrier at Steve. My mom had a key to my apartment and I didn’t want to explain why I was upset. To avoid the drama, I popped two Vicodin and went off to never-never land. When I surfaced from my drug induced stupor, my mom murmured softly, “Honey, a couple of your friends called while you were asleep. I left the messages on the counter.”

Could Steve have changed his mind already? I’d never been that lucky. It was Kitty and Brenda checking in and wanting to reassure me they notified my work that I wasn’t coming in. I’m glad somebody remembered.

“Mom, I’m doing a lot better. You can go home. I’m going to go to work tomorrow.”

“Okay honey. You look a lot better than you did when I got here. I love you. Call me if you need anything.”

“I love you too.”

After my mom left, I heard Pete chuckle. How could I have forgotten about that rascal?

“Man, you’re a colorful mess. I thought you weren’t coming home. I was about to eat a hole in your couch. You’re lucky your friends fed me. They can’t understand me, but I could tell they were upset about something that happened to you. Did you get in a car wreck?”

“No, I was in a bar brawl.”

“Normally I’d think that was cool, but you’re starting to grow on me.”

“I’m going to bed. Do you need anything?”

“
I’m good, but I missed tormenting Ralph today. I’ll have to make up for the lost day with a truly diabolical prank.”

“No, absolutely not! See you in the morning and please refrain from eating my furniture while I’m comatose.”

CHAPTER TEN

I tried to wake... I knew it was all a bad dream, but I couldn’t seem to surface from it.

“
Corny, today will be your first day back to work since your bar fight. I noticed you have a bunch of painkillers left. Why don
’
t you give Ralph a dose and he can sleep the day away, while you get caught up on your work? Medication is easy to hide in a donut. You told me Ralph loves donuts from Round Rock bakery.
”

“I told you, no more pranks.”

“
He didn
’
t eve
n call you to see how you felt. If he’s nice to you, then you can give him his donut and look like a nice secretary. If he’s in an evil mood, you can give him the painkiller and he can sleep the day away.
”

Okay, let’s see what kind of mood he’s in. “Good morning Ralph. How are you this morning?”

“I needed copies made and you weren’t here to make them.” He stomped his foot.

“Ralph, would you like a donut from the Round Rock bakery and a nice hot cup of coffee?”

He sneered and said, “Huh. What kind of donut?”

“It’s a chocolate éclair
—
your favorite. Go sit down and I’ll bring it with your coffee.” I delivered it on a pretty paper napkin. It disappeared in two bites. He licked his fat fingers, then slurped his coffee.

Ten minutes later, we checked on him and he’d almost slid out of his chair. I duct taped his forehead to his chair and rolled him over to the small conference table. As a nice gesture on my part, I occasionally wiped the drool off his chin.

I woke with a start and craved a donut. I would have to keep an eye on Pete today and make sure he didn’t grab any of my pain medicine.

***

I arrived an hour early and Ralph arrived one hour late and the first thing out of his mouth was the stupidest he had ever spoken, “Hey Red, since I’m going to have to be here every day, I’d like you to start wearing super short skirts to work.”

“Ralph, that request is considered sexual harassment. You may call me Corny or Ms. Myers. Those are your
only
choices. Got it?”

“Yes Ms. Meyers… I’m going to lunch.”

“But Ralph, you’ve only been here ten minutes.” He was gone before I could ask when he’d be back.

I’m sure he had numerous emails that needed responding to. I took it upon myself to answer them on Ralph’s behalf. By the end of the day I’d made it through all of his inbox and deleted a bunch of his junk mail. We made progress
—
I mean I made progress. He didn’t call or come back.

***

On the way home from work I got an unwanted little surprise from Pete.

“
Hey Corny, we get along great, right? Can I stay with you forever?
”

“Pete, I’m not in the mood to talk about this right now. But, you’ll go back to Kari’s when she gets home.”

“I hate to break this to you, but you’ve been tricked. Her sweetie pie doesn’t like me and I overheard him telling Kari to guilt you into keeping me. It’s a good thing we get along so well…”

“Crap.”

CHAPTER ELEVEN

That night I called Brenda and Kitty to see if they knew of any single, cute guys I could date. They understood, but were disappointed that I hadn’t tried harder to get Steve back. I explained the ball was in his court.

They had known me forever and knew that I covered up my hurt with sarcasm. Who knows, Steve might still change his mind, but I’d make him pay dearly for making me cry. He would have to kiss me silly.

“Call the poor guy, I know he likes you. I saw the way he looked at you when you were asleep. Are you sure you have to be a pet detective?”

“Pete, finding missing pets is the only thing I’ve ever been good at. I’m not giving up my dream.”

“Okay, but Steve was right about one thing: you did get the begeezez beat out of you in the bar. Maybe he knows a good self-defense course you could take.”

“I’ll call him. But what if he’s out on a date or doesn’t want to talk to me? It’ll crush me.”

“Suck it up, you’re going to be a pet detective. You can’t cry all the time.”

After I firmed up my chin, I dialed Steve’s cell phone. It rang a couple times and I almost chickened out and hung up, but he picked up at the last minute.

“Hey, Corny. How are you feeling? How’s the lump on your head?” Steve asked with real concern in his voice.

“I’m okay, but I still have a bad headache.” Understandably, I was a little nervous, and I blurted out, “You were right about me getting my butt kicked the other night.”

There was a big, happy sigh on the line and then Steve spoke before I could finish what I wanted to ask him. “Oh honey, I’m glad you changed your mind about being a detective— I mean, a pet detective. I’ve missed you.”

Crap. Steve thought I changed my mind. “You’re right, I got my butt kicked the other night and I can’t have that happen when I’m a pet detective. I’m calling to see if you know of a good self-defense course I could take.”

I heard another big sigh, but this one was impatient. “It sounds as though you haven’t changed your mind about your new profession.”

“Can we sit down and talk more about this, please? Then you might understand why I need to do this.”

“I keep seeing you hit your head on that wall. Why can’t you keep the job you have now? I wish you were like other women who want the guy to take care of them.”

“That’s sexist—you’re a guy and I’m a girl, and I’m not supposed to be able to take care of my little ol’ self. Is that it? I went back to work and Ralph didn’t even comment on my injuries.”

“Well, Ralph’s an idiot, but that’s not the point. You got hurt because the dirt bags were more brutal than you. Dirt bags steal pets too. What’s going to happen when you run into them? I won’t always be there to feed you saltines.”

Frustrated, I said, “Are you going to recommend a good self-defense course or should I Google one? How’s this for a search? ‘Needed: a big, strong man to teach a girly-girl how to protect herself’?”

“Knock it off; if you’re serious about this then I’ll check into it and get back to you. Do not Google a self-defense course; there are a lot crazy people out there. Goodbye and take care of yourself, Corny.”

“That didn’t go too well, did it?”

“No, it didn’t. I miss Steve and my heart hurts.”

“I’m sorry. I’m going to bed. Things will look better tomorrow.”

Steve had emailed a recommendation; it was short and to the point.

Corny,

Here’s a link to Emerald City Center Aikido.

www.emeraldcitycenteraikido.com.

The guy who owns the place is an ex-cop. Please be careful and take care of yourself,

Steve

I clicked on the link and it said the beginner classes were held on Wednesday and Friday nights from 6:00 p.m.-9:00 p.m. There was a hundred dollar monthly fee, but you could quit at any time. Now all I needed to do was figure out what I should wear to my first class. The website advised you to wear comfortable and breathable clothing. I was a beginner but I needn’t look like one. If I left now, I could still get to Pacific Place Mall. They have a store that sells clothing for yoga, dancing, running, and most all sweaty pursuits. If anyone could make me look good, it was them.

***

I felt glad I brought my outfit to work because by the time I finished all my work and Ralph’s, it was too late to go home and change for my first self-defense class. If I got beat up too bad, I’d eat half a dozen cupcakes. If the store was out of cupcakes, I’d purchase a whole cake.

Emerald City Center Aikido was in a relatively new business complex behind Target in North Seattle. It was ten minutes to 6:00, and I had plenty of time to check out my classmates. The perky receptionist was named, ‘Barbie.’

Last Halloween I needed a pirate hook for my hand and I found a cool website called
www.fakebodyparts.com
. Barbie had more fake parts than the whole website put together. Her body was voluptuous, but her voice was high-pitched and sweet, like a child’s.

She greeted me, “Welcome to Emerald City Center Aikido.” She sounded like Marilyn Monroe on helium. “We have several new students starting tonight and since you’re not Gary, you must be Corny.” She giggled, of course.

I kept my cool and replied, “You’re right, I’m not Gary.” I softened my reply with a little laugh too. “Ha ha.”

“My name’s Autumn, but everyone calls me Barbie. I work here part-time while I’m going to night school. I’m getting a kindergarten teacher degree.”