Knight Errant: A Highland Passage Novel (13 page)

Violet slipped her arms about him and laid her head on his chest.

“Oh, my love.” He held her head, rested his cheek on the top of her head, and sighed. “I’m so weary of doing what’s right, and I’m weary of being alone.”

He touched his lips to her forehead. It was a small kiss, like a spark that floats up from a fire and is gone in the darkness. But this spark landed and burned. Robert clutched at her shoulders and slid his palm down to grasp thick folds of cloth, tugging at any clothing that got in his way. Layer by layer, he unlaced and freed her while she unfastened his doublet and pulled off his clothing until skin was bared to meet skin. In the stark cell—naked, trusting, and driven by need—they joined their warm bodies, hiding their longing and bliss in hushed sighs and moans until they lay spent and entwined. Content to drift off to sleep, they left pain and sorrow outside, where it would wait until morning.

A
LOUD RAP
at the door woke them. Violet called out, “I’ll need a few moments.”

Through the door, shuffling feet and unintelligible murmurs grew fainter. When both were dressed, Violet pressed her ear to the door. Moments passed with no sound from outside. She faced Robert, who was standing behind her. Taking hold of his doublet, she pulled him against her and breathed in his scent.

He leaned against her, pressing her back to the door, and quietly moaned in her ear. “Dinnae tempt me.” He proceeded to tempt her with a languorous kiss.

With a bracing breath, Violet gently pushed him away until he took a reluctant step backward. She slipped through the door first and watched as black robes disappeared around the corner. She tapped the door, and Robert slipped out of her cell unobserved. Together, they rounded the corner and walked along the corridor.

One of the monks saw them and rushed to Robert. “Come, Brother Thomas is ill. He’s been asking for you.”

Robert hesitated, but Violet gripped his arm and urged him along until they arrived at Thomas’s cell. Several monks unwittingly blocked the doorway, but when they saw Robert, they parted. Violet followed Robert with her hand in his. Brother Thomas lay in bed with a pale sheen on his face. Robert sat in the chair by his cot. Thomas curled his fingers over Robert’s sleeve as if trying to tug it. His lips moved a bit, but no sound came out. Robert bent over and brought his ear closer.

His father looked up with searching eyes. “I’m sorry.”

Robert’s eyebrows drew together. A moment passed, during which Violet thought she might reach out to do what Robert could not. But Robert put his hand over his father’s and gripped it tightly. Blinding tears filled her eyes, and she knew little more than the fact that the son had returned to his father and put aside whatever lay between them. In that moment, love for Robert rooted itself so deeply within her that Violet would no longer feel whole without him.

A
WEEK LATER
, Brother Thomas could manage a few steps with assistance, but he quickly grew tired. Outside, he sat and lifted his face to the sun. “We must enjoy days such as this, for we don’t know when the next one will be.”

Robert saw Violet seated on one side of his father, and he sat down on the other. The birds were in full-throated song on that glorious day.

Brother Thomas leaned back against the bench and took several uneasy breaths. “After we arrived here, the abbot guessed Claudine’s secret. With no choice, she confirmed his suspicion that she was with child, explaining that she had confessed her sin and been cast out of her convent in Paris. She arrived in Laon, where I took pity upon her and escorted her here, hoping that she would find mercy and perhaps a new home. The abbot could have cast her out, but he did not. We took that as a sign of his mercy and, perhaps, of God’s forgiveness.”

Robert leaned his elbows on his knees and absently played with the petals of a wild flower he had picked.

Brother Thomas went on. “For a time, life was quiet and good. If anyone saw through our story, they did not voice their suspicions. We were drawn into the rhythm of life here.”

Robert watched the breeze stir the leaves of a nearby tree.

Violet spoke, shaking her head. “Didn’t you ever want to go away and live on your own like a family instead of keeping your secret?”

“How? We had nothing—no money, no property. Even if we could have managed, what would happen when the baby was born? We had to think of what was best for the child. We would have a home where we could watch Robert grow, and he would be raised and educated for a life we could never have given him. Claudine wished that for him. How could I deny her?”

Robert crumbled the flower and watched the petals fall to the ground. “Could you not have told me that you were my father? Perhaps not when I was young, but what stopped you when I was grown?”

Brother Thomas’s forehead was lined with regret. “After lying for so many years, I couldn’t bring myself to tell you the truth.”

“Everyone knew I was a bastard. I’d heard it often enough. How could this be worse?”

“Children are cruel,” Brother Thomas said, looking off into the distance. Slowly, he shook his head. “No, you were better off not knowing.”

Robert slammed his hand on the bench and leapt to his feet. “Och! Dinnae tell me that you were protecting me.”

His father took in a ragged breath. “I was protecting her memory. Raising questions would have served no purpose except to make things worse by dragging her name through the mud a second time. It would have dishonored her and you as well.” His breathing grew increasingly labored, drawing Violet’s concern.

She laid her hand on his shoulder. “Brother Thomas, let’s go inside and rest.”

He smiled at her. “You’re too kind.”

A warm smile bloomed on her face. “You’re the first to see that in me.”

“I can’t understand why. Are the men in your time so unobservant?”

Violet lifted an eyebrow. “They have different priorities for what they choose to observe.”

“Then they’re fools.”

Violet tilted her head in agreement and started to smile, but Brother Thomas winced and faltered. Robert lunged toward his father and caught him, then he slipped an arm about Thomas’s back for support. Robert’s eyes met Violet’s, sharing a look of concern. Thomas winced and bent over, clutching his chest, while his other hand gripped Robert’s arm. Robert lifted his father to his feet, but Thomas sank to the bench. Violet called out for help.

Through his pain, Brother Thomas struggled to speak, “The abbot.”

H
E NEVER REGAINED CONSCIOUSNESS
. His dying words were for the abbot, so the abbot was summoned from Edinburgh to bury him. Without hesitation, the abbot agreed, which gave Robert a measure of comfort.

The day after Brother Thomas was buried, Robert sat outside with Violet on the same bench where the three of them had last spoken.

Violet watched some monks make their way through the cloisters. “Everyone thought so highly of him.”

“Except his own son. He thought I despised him.” Robert made sure his face revealed no sign of the guilt that tormented him. “I held him to an impossible standard, and now it’s too late.”

Violet turned toward him. “Too late for what?”

“To tell him I forgive him.” He swallowed and looked away. “That he was always a father to me. I loved him like one.”

Violet slipped her hand into his, and they sat in silence until evening shadows stretched over the grass from the trees.

Within days, Robert had come to know both his mother and father as they once were when they were young. Having known them was a gift, but their loss followed too quickly after. Now he was alone and adrift, which wasn’t a new feeling. He had felt it in varying degrees for most of his life, so returning to that state should have been easy. It was not.

The next morning, the abbot found Robert outside, walking alone in the garden before Violet was up.

“May I speak with you?” the abbot asked.

“Aye,” Robert answered.

“Come to my office when you’re finished here.” Without waiting for an answer, the abbot walked away.

Robert watched as he happened upon some of the monks and shared a few words with them. After, he cast a sharp look back at Robert and rounded the corner.

13

THE OFFER

R
obert took a seat in the office Father Abbot was using while he was in Perth. The abbot seemed far more inclined to engage in light conversation than Robert, who was too caught up in his personal grief to contribute to any discussion. Besides which, it felt strange to be with him after seeing him in the past. That visit had been brief enough that the abbot was unlikely to remember it, but it had not been years for Robert. He would have to be careful not to let anything slip that might betray him or invite questions he could not easily answer. Thus on his guard, Robert remained aloof and gave the appearance of manners, waiting until he could retreat to his cell.

Robert looked up to find Father Abbot peering expectantly at him. He had missed something. “I’m sorry. I didn’t—”

The abbot offered a sympathetic smile. “’Tis not a bad life here, is it?”

“No, I’ve had far better life than most, and I’m grateful for it.” He met the abbot’s steady gaze, but something flickered in the abbot’s eyes. It was gone before Robert could decipher it.

The abbot rested his arms on the desk and leaned forward. “I’d like you to think about something.” He looked at Robert with a crooked smile. “We’re in need of someone like you in Edinburgh.”

Robert smiled. “Do you mean as a monk?”

“Aye, I do.”

Robert shook his head. “I once thought I might go down that road, but I’m led in another direction.”

“The lass?”

“Aye.”

“So you love her?”

“I do.”

Father Abbot pushed back from the desk and stood. “Very well, then. As you’ve made your decision, I wish you well.”

“Thank you, Father Abbot.”

With little more said, Robert was on his way back to Violet. He couldn’t help but feel that there had been more to their short conversation than Robert could grasp. He exhaled. He was too caught up in the events and emotions of the past few days. He would think more clearly after some sleep.

Robert’s thoughts strayed to Violet. They hadn’t slept together since before Brother Thomas had died. Robert had withdrawn into his own grief and guilt. Violet had been by his side through it all, but he had been barely aware of his own actions, let alone hers. He found himself wanting her near to make plans for a future—their future. But what would that be, not to mention where or when?

He lingered in the hall outside Violet’s cell while two monks carried on a long conversation nearby. To avoid looking obvious, Robert walked along and disappeared around a corner, where he stood and waited for what seemed like an eternity. After they had gone, Robert tapped on Violet’s door.

She opened it and stood with her hand on the door. “Is it time for supper already?”

He looked to either side to make sure no one was about, then he guided her by the waist back inside and closed the door behind him. Violet’s eyes shone as he bent to kiss her. He pulled her against him and kissed her with renewed fervor.

“We havenae talked of the future.”

She rested her hands on his shoulders. “We’ve had quite a bit going on.” She peered at him more closely. “Are you all right?”

That drew a bright smile from him. “Aye, for a man who’s in love.”

A smile lit her eyes. “What did Father Abbot say?”

“’Tis not what he said, but what I realized while he was talking to me.”

“Robert, you’re not making sense.”

He grinned. “No, I suppose I’m not.” He grasped her hands and drew her close to him. “I want to be with you—wherever, whenever we can. I would like you to promise to be mine, and I make that same promise to you.” He looked worried while awaiting her answer.

Seeing his worry, she smiled and touched his cheek and his mouth then kissed him.

“And?” He looked thoroughly frustrated.

With a light laugh, she answered, “You know that I will.”

The fact that she persisted in smiling didn’t help matters any. “I know no such thing.”

She said, “You do now, because I just told you I will. I’ll go anywhere you go. How could you even doubt it?”

“Because I’ve never felt I belonged anywhere, but I feel it with you.”

Violet nodded. “I know.”

“But you’re smiling. Do you find me amusing?”

No longer smiling, Violet said, “No. It’s just that I love you so much that I wondered how you could feel the same about me.”

“Oh, lass, you cannae imagine how much.” He gave up trying to speak. Instead his hands claimed the places he longed to feel pressed against him, and his mouth found its way from her lips to her ear. He brought his hands to the edge of her neckline and folded his fingers over the edge. “Take this off now.”

A bell rang for vespers. Violet lifted her eyes with a startled expression. Neither moved for a moment.

Robert slid his palms deliberately over her breasts to her waist, and he pulled her against him and let out a frustrated growl. He lifted his face, full of helpless remorse. “They will notice our absence.”

Violet sighed. “Then we’d best not be absent.”

Robert held her wrists and removed her hands from about his waist. “Dinnae touch me, or I’m likely to cause quite a scandal by keeping you here.”

Violet firmly took him by the shoulders and turned him toward the door. “Leave now.”

He turned, quietly laughing. “You must go first, as it’s your cell. To make sure no one sees me?”

She gasped. “What was I thinking? Do you see what you’ve done to me?”

“Not nearly enough. But I’d gladly remedy that.”

Violet opened the door and slipped out before he made good on his offer.

A
FTER SUPPER
, they made a discreet escape and went for a walk, their way lit by the summer moon’s glow.

Robert stopped under a shadowy ash tree and took her hand. “There’s one thing we haven’t discussed.”

She said playfully, “Oh, I think there might be more than one.”