Knowing You (The Jade Series #2) (14 page)

As we lie down next to each other, I wonder if he thinks we’re going to have sex. We’re officially dating now so maybe he thinks it’s time. I know we haven’t done much more than kiss up till now, but maybe he just wants to skip all the in-between stuff and move straight to the sex. I really wish he would tell me. I know it’s supposed to be spontaneous, something that just happens, but I’m too much of a sex newbie for that. I need to know if it’s going to happen or not. Otherwise, I’ll keep worrying about it.
 

I stop kissing him. “Are we having sex tonight?” Someone else must have taken over my brain because it just comes out without warning.

He pulls back a little and laughs. “What? Where did that come from?”

“I’m not sure. Just answer the question.”

“No. We’re not having sex.”

“Why not?” I say it as if I’m offended by his answer. I swear, sometimes I can’t even understand my own brain. First I’m worried he wants sex and now I’m mad because he doesn’t?

“Jade, I told you before. I don’t want to rush things. We have plenty of time. I’m not going anywhere.”

“Okay.” I take a deep breath and let it out.

“You seem relieved. Did you think I was going to make you have sex tonight?”

“No.” My eyes dart away. “I mean, maybe.”

“Hey.” He waits for my eyes to return to his. “I’ll never pressure you into anything, okay? We’re not going to have sex just because
I
want to. We have to both want that.”

I sit up slightly. “I
do
want it. I’m just not ready yet. I’m not experienced like you.” Again, the private thoughts in my head somehow escape out my mouth.

“I don’t care that you haven’t had a ton of experience. I like that about you. Besides, you really don’t need much experience. Sex isn’t that complicated. It’s what comes after the sex that’s complicated.”

“Yeah. That’s true,” I say, wondering if, or how, our relationship will change once we finally do it. “Garret, can I ask you something?”

“Sure. What is it?”

“Have you really been with 10 girls, like Blake said? Or more than 10?”

Garret tips his head back toward the ceiling, then brings it down again. “Ask me anything but that.”

“I want to know.”

“What difference does it make?”

I search for a reason. “You could have an STD sleeping with all those girls.”

“I don’t have any STDs.”

“Still, I want to know. I told you how many people I’ve been with.”

“Yeah. One. That makes my number look pretty bad.”

“So you
have
been with 10. Or more than that?”

He sighs. “None of them mattered, Jade. I know that makes me sound like a total ass, but half the time I didn’t even know what I was doing. Back in high school, I used to hook up with girls at parties when I was drunk. It was stupid.”

I keep quiet. I’m not sure what to say. The random hook-ups explain how he got such a high number of sex partners but it also makes me uncomfortable knowing he used to be that way.
 

He sits up. “I know what you’re thinking. I knew I shouldn’t have told you that.” He sounds a little angry. “And you never should’ve asked. It’s the past. It doesn’t matter anymore.”

“It
does
matter. How do I know you weren’t still doing that when you were going to all those parties with Blake on Friday nights?” I regret it as soon as I say it. I know he wasn’t doing that. Harper was at those same parties and she said Garret barely even talked to girls when he was there.
 

Garret gets up off the bed, now definitely angry. “How could you even say that? God, Jade, after everything we’ve been through together I can’t believe you’d accuse me of something like that.”

“I know how girls act around you. I’m sure they made offers.” I have no know idea why I’m continuing to push the issue.

“Yeah. And I told them I wasn’t interested. Plus, I wasn’t even drinking at those parties. Not even a beer. That’s all because of you, Jade. Because I knew how disappointed you’d be in me.” He stands there, looking so incredibly handsome in his white shirt and tux pants. “I thought you trusted me. I know I lied to you when we first met but since then, I’ve been completely honest with you. I haven’t kept stuff from you. And you still don’t trust me.”

His tone reflects how much I’ve hurt him, with accusations I never should have made. I swear something is seriously wrong with me. Why would I say something like that to him when I know it’s not true?
 

I get up and stand right in front of him. “I
do
trust you, Garret. I don’t know why I said that just now. I guess I just can’t believe that someone like you would want me. And only me.” There goes my mouth again, speaking without my brain’s permission. Letting all my secret thoughts spill out.

Garret’s anger fades. He lifts my chin up and our eyes meet. “I only want you. Nobody else. What do I have to do to make you understand that?”

I glance down, not sure how to answer him. I’m afraid to speak, knowing I’ll probably screw up again and say something I don’t really mean.
 

He puts his arms around my waist.
 

“Jade. Look at me.” I slowly lift my head and our eyes meet again. “I love you.”
 

13

My mouth goes dry and my legs feel weak. I’ve never heard those words before. Not from my mother. Not from Frank or Ryan. And certainly not from a boy.

He waits for me to speak but I can’t. I’m too stunned.

“Did you hear me? I said I love you.”

The words shock me again. Am I dreaming this? It feels real.
 

“Jade. Do you have anything to say?” Garret looks concerned.
 

“Um, thank you.” It is the absolute worst thing to say but the words just came out before I could think.
 

He lets me go and takes a seat on the bed. “I shouldn’t have said it. It’s too soon, isn’t it? It’s just that I’ve been wanting to tell you that and, I don’t know, it seemed like the right time. But I guess it wasn’t.” His forearms rest on his knees as he stares down at the floor.

I finally wake up and realize I need to respond with more than a stupid and meaningless thank you. I go and sit next to him. “I’m happy you said it. I’m just surprised. That’s all. Nobody’s ever said that to me.”

Garret’s quiet, his eyes still on the floor.

“I don’t mean other guys. I mean nobody. Not even my mom. I’m not even sure I know what those words mean.”

He sits up and turns to face me. “I think everyone has their own meaning for those words.”

“Then how do you know you’re in love?” I feel like a child for asking but I really don’t know. “How do you know you love me and not just like me?”
 

 
“Because it’s different. I’ve liked other girls, but I’ve never felt like I do now with anyone but you. Being with you. . . you’ve made me feel something I haven’t felt since my mom was alive. It’s almost like I’m me again instead of the person I became after she left.” He looks down at the floor. “The past few years I’ve pretty much spent drinking and partying. I didn’t care about school. I didn’t really care about anything. But then I met you and I didn’t want to be that person anymore.”

I listen, surprised that I’ve affected him this way.

He looks at me again and takes my hand, gently rubbing the top of it with his thumb. “I think about you all the time, Jade. I want to be with you more than I’ve wanted to be with anyone. I want to keep you safe and make you happy and make sure you never feel alone.” He pauses. “Anyway, that’s what those words mean. At least to me.”

We sit in silence as I take a moment to think about what he just said. And suddenly it all makes sense. I finally understand why I feel like this. Why I’ve felt this way for a while now.

“Then I guess—”
 

He looks at me to continue.

“I love you, too, Garret.”

A huge smile forms across his face. Even his eyes are smiling. He stands up, pulling me up and into his arms.
 

“Thank you,” he says in a tone that is not at all serious.

“That’s a horrible response, you know.”

He laughs. “Yeah. I know.” He kisses me and it almost seems different now that we’ve said this to each other. It’s no longer just a kiss with some guy. It’s a kiss with someone I love. It has meaning.

I unbutton his dress shirt and run my hand along his chest. He takes the shirt off and tosses it on the floor. Then I undo his pants, leaving him in his black boxer briefs.
 

Now that I’m not worried about tonight leading to sex, I relax. I reach up and let my hair escape from the elastic and pins that were holding it up. Garret unzips the back of my dress, then comes around to the front and kisses me as he slides the sleeves off. I step out of the dress and we stumble to the bed, our lips not parting.

He breaks from the kiss and takes a moment to look at me as I lie there in my black lace bra and panties. I’m a little nervous because I haven’t been this exposed with him yet.
 

“You’re so damn beautiful, Jade.”

This time I don’t scold him for saying it. I think I’m starting to believe him now. Maybe I
am
beautiful, at least in his eyes, which is all that really matters to me.
 

His hand skims my stomach, then moves along the hem of my bikinis, making the entire area beneath it hot and aching for more. And I’m ready to do more with him. A lot more. But not everything. Tonight doesn’t seem like the night. We took a big step with those three words. I need time to digest that before moving on to the next big step in our relationship.
 

We spend the rest of the night doing everything but sex, then fall asleep wrapped in each other’s arms.
 

Sunday morning, I wake up to find Garret standing by the window checking his cell phone.

“Any messages?” I ask him.

“You’re up.” He gets back in bed with me.
 

“Did your dad call?” I don’t want to talk about his dad, but I need to know if he’ll be knocking down the door any minute now to yell at us.

“No messages. And stop worrying about him. If he shows up here, I’ll get rid of him.” He turns on his side, facing me. He’s wearing this huge grin, just like last night. “I love you, Jade.”

I smile back. “I know. You told me last night.”

He kisses me. “I’m going to tell you all the time now, so get used to it.”

Hearing those words is still foreign to me. It’ll take a long time to get used to it.
 

“I like your shirt. It’s really soft.” Garret gave me one of his t-shirts to sleep in. His t-shirts are way more expensive than mine, which explains why mine feel scratchy not buttery soft like his.

“You can have it if you want.”
 

“That’s okay. It looks better on you. I’ll just sleep in it when I come over.”
 

“Are you planning to stay over more now?“

“No. Once a week is plenty. Maybe twice. Even though I love you, I still need my space.” It doesn’t even sound right when I say those three words. It’s like it’s not me.

“I can’t believe you love me, Jade. All you do is make fun of me.”

I kiss his cheek. “I guess that’s how I express my love.”

“Then you’ve loved me since the first day you met me.”

I make a face. “No way. I found you totally annoying when we first met.”

He backs away like he’s insulted. “Hey, I helped you unload all your stuff. And then I invited you out. And took you to the grocery store. That’s not annoying.”

“I don’t like people following me around and bugging me all the time. Which is exactly what you were doing.”

“I was just trying to get to know you. I’d never met anyone like you and I had to see what you were all about.”

“So when did you know?” I blurt it out then quickly regret it.
 

“When did I know what?”

“That you, um . . . that you loved me.” I turn away. “On second thought, you don’t have to tell me. It’s none of my business.”

He nudges me. “Well, given that you’re the person I’m in love with, it kind of
is
your business.” He pauses. “When I told you about my mom. That’s when I knew I loved you.”

I turn back to face him. “Why? I didn’t do anything.”

“I never talked about that with anyone. Well, except for my counselor. I didn’t even talk to my dad about it. But I was able to talk to you about it. And you listened. You really listened. You didn’t just pretend to listen. And then you gave me that hug, even though you didn’t like hugging, at least not then.”

I think back to that night when he told me how his mom died. As I listened to him I felt the huge loss that still lived inside his heart. I felt it like it was my own. Somehow he must have sensed that.

“When did you know, Jade?”
 

“I
didn’t
know. Well, not until you explained it to me last night. I had all these feelings for you but I wasn’t sure what they meant. So I guess, looking back, it was when I told you about
my
mom. How she gets in my head sometimes. I swore I’d never tell anyone that, but then I told you. And I wasn’t even nervous about it. I wanted to tell you. And that’s not at all like me, Garret. I don’t tell people stuff.”