L.A. Success (18 page)

24

Back at Dennis', I looked up Helen's email address by searching her school's website. I brought up my email account, hit the “new mail” button and typed out the whole story, telling her at the end how much I missed her. Then I put the cursor in the subject box. I thought for a long time about what would get her to want to read the email. Finally, I typed “Misunderstanding. I'm really hurting.” I knew that Helen couldn't stand the idea of someone suffering, and if she thought there was the slightest chance that she was the cause, she'd look into it.

For the rest of the weekend I thought about how I was going to write up Gertie's activities so that they'd make it to Spieldburt's eyes without arousing the suspicions of his goons. A lot of it I was planning to put down verbatim, thanks to recordings I'd make with Dennis' spy equipment. But I needed to spice everything up so that Grant would think it was worth showing to his boss. I thought long and hard about the type of stories Spieldburt normally turns into movies until the perfect idea came to me.

25

That week I started work as Gertie's right-hand man. It would have been stressful enough already, but since I was constantly worried about putting my spy-pen recorder where it would pick up her conversations when I wasn't with her, and then retrieving it without her seeing me, I almost lost my mind from the stress. When she let me off early on Friday, I went to rejoin my writing buddies. With my copy of Syd's screenwriting book hidden in my jacket pocket, I got to work on my disguised report for Spieldburt. Here's what I came up with:

SUPPLEMENTARY TERRIAN DWELLER

Act 1

By Lonnie Herisson

EXT. SWANKY BEVERLY HILLS HOUSE ON COMSTOCK AVENUE - NOON

A 1978 Yellow Eldorado Biarritz pulls into the driveway. The car doors swing open and out step GERTIE ELLIOT, a 60-something real-estate agent dressed conservatively in a gray skirt and white blouse, and LONNIE HERISSON, a short, round man with very thick dark hair and a nicely groomed unit. Any reasonable woman would want to do him.

They step to the front of the car. GERTIE adjusts LONNIE's tie.

GERTIE ELLIOT

Now remember: You're my husband and we met at church. You're an accountant.

LONNIE HERISSON

Why an accountant?

GERTIE ELLIOT

Because no one ever asks accountants questions about their jobs. It's the perfect cover. Now look, I've put a lot of effort into this couple, so just follow my lead. I'll be selling this house in no time.

LONNIE HERISSON (VOICE OVER)

And once I have the evidence that you're cheating on your lover, I'll stop pretending to be your real-estate assistant and return to being Dennis Bates, Private Investigator. Ha ha ha!

They walk up to the door of the swanky house and ring the bell. BRANDI POWELL, a 25-year-old blond whose presence causes most men to enter into a pre-orgasmic state, answers the door. She is wearing tiny shorts and a black midriff top. Upon close inspection, one could see, if one were curious to know such things and one knelt down very quickly in front of her pretending to have dropped something, that there was no lint of any color in her belly button.

BRANDI POWELL

(Smiling, with a tone as artificial as her sweet, gravity-defying chest)

Gertie! So nice to see you again! Glad you could make it for lunch. And finally, we get to meet the love of your life!

That was LONNIE's cue to direct his gaze north to her eyes. Now having the complete picture of her, LONNIE realized she was not a classic beauty, but rather a collection of pieced-together sexual stereotypes copied from whichever starlets happened to be making the latest waves in Hollywood. He still wanted to do her very badly.

LONNIE HERISSON

Thanks for inviting us over. I can't believe you want to sell this place. It's amazing.

GERTIE shoots daggers from her eyes toward LONNIE.

BRANDI POWELL

Oh no! I've spent months having people decorate this house. We're not going anywhere. Why don't you come in? Jefferson is waiting for us in the living room.

They follow BRANDI into the house. JEFFERSON POWELL, a sixty-something, white-haired grandpa who gravity has not spared, sits with his legs crossed, a drink in hand, and a smile on his face that only a man banging BRANDI could have. He rises to his feet to greet his guests.

JEFFERSON POWELL

Gertie! Looking as lovely as ever.

GERTIE ELLIOT

You old charmer, you!

GERTIE and JEFFERSON hug for what seems to be an instant too long.

GERTIE ELLIOT (cont'd)

(Pointing with her thumb toward LONNIE)

I brought the bigger half with me.

The gentlemen shake hands firmly and exchange pleasantries. JEFFERSON maintains constant eye contact during the conversation, preventing LONNIE from sneaking peeks at BRANDI, but after almost a minute of this visual game of chicken, LONNIE cracks and whips his eyeballs toward the cleavage and back. JEFFERSON smiles coyly to acknowledge his victory.

INT. THE POWELL'S DINING ROOM - LATER

Lunch is almost over. The kitchen staff take away the emptied plates and serve the coffee. LONNIE is unhappy with the small size of the cups and downs one after another, causing the server to return frequently for refills. BRANDI is telling the story of how she and JEFFERSON first met.

BRANDI POWELL

I was about to give up on my modeling career and go to massage school when my agent called. El Pollo Loco needed a girl to advertise for its Santa Monica location. They wanted me to walk around on the beach in a bikini wearing a costume chicken head, wings and feet.

JEFFERSON POWELL

It was love at first sight. I was there at the beach—

BRANDI POWELL

(Interrupting)

With that horrible woman!

JEFFERSON POWELL

(Giving a conciliatory nod)

My fifth wife.

BRANDI POWELL

(Indignantly)

Who later accused my Jefferson of being a cradle-robbing pervert! It was so ridiculous. I mean, with my chicken head on he couldn't even see how old I was. For all he knew, I could have been older than that 30-year-old hag by his side!

LONNIE has missed most of that exchange, as he is battling away the frightening yet seductive prospect of doing a humanoid, bikinied chicken. He realizes his brow is covered with sweat and wipes it dry.

BRANDI POWELL (cont'd)

He managed to slip a business card into the back of my bikini bottom while his wife was taking a picture of us together. And then he whispered something so cute!

(Nudging JEFFERSON)

Go on, tell them!

JEFFERSON POWELL

(Feigning embarrassment)

No...I couldn't. Well, okay. I said "cluck you later."

GERTIE ELLIOT

Aw! That's so sweet. What a beautiful story.

LONNIE feels the effects of the eight cups of coffee he has just drunk.

LONNIE HERISSON

(Standing up)

Could you point me to the restroom?

INT. THE POWELL'S GUEST BATHROOM - MOMENTS LATER

LONNIE splashes water on his face in the sink and then pats himself off with a hand towel. He steps over to the toilet and begins to drain the lizard. He lifts his head toward the ceiling and lets out a sigh of relief. Then, as he gives a quick check to make sure the aim is still good, he sees a rapid, darting shadow in the toilet bowl. Afraid, he stops his stream and jumps back from the bowl. He begins to lean forward to look inside when there is a soft knock at the door. He puts away his smooth unit and opens the door.

BRANDI steps in quickly and shuts the door behind her. She looks worried.

BRANDI POWELL

(Whispering)

I have to talk to you, but you have to promise not to say anything. Sometimes I think I'm just imagining things, and I don't want to hurt anyone if it's not true.

LONNIE HERISSON

Okay, I won't say anything.

BRANDI POWELL

I think our spouses are having an affair. It's just eating me up inside. These have been the happiest five months of my life, and I can't stand the idea of all that commitment being for nothing. Have you noticed anything strange?

LONNIE HERISSON

No, I haven't, but I've been working a lot lately.

BRANDI POWELL

We've got to start working together to keep tabs on them. If you notice anything, call me. I'll do the same.

LONNIE HERISSON

Of course.

(Trying to look as weepy as possible)

How did this happen?

LONNIE opens his arms wide. BRANDI enters them and hugs him. LONNIE rests his head on her love pillows and his hand on her fantastically firm posterior. After this touching moment, BRANDI, with a sympathetic look, exits. LONNIE walks with difficulty over to the sink and begins delicately unzipping his pants. Another knock is heard. A smile comes over LONNIE's face. He rushes over to the door and opens it. His expression changes to one of disappointment when he sees that it is GERTIE. She pushes her way in.

GERTIE ELLIOT

Out of the way. I gotta drain the clam.

LONNIE remembers something important.

LONNIE HERISSON

(Pointing emphatically to the toilet)

But I think I saw a—

GERTIE ELLIOT

(Interrupting)

Tell me later.

GERTIE pushes a protesting LONNIE out of the bathroom and then shuts and locks the door. She lets out a sigh. Then she stands in front of the sink fixing her hair in the mirror.

The camera pans over to the toilet. One miniature, slimy green hand rises up from the bowl and grabs the seat, and then another hand does the same. They are so small that we can barely see them. The camera zooms in very close. Then the SUPPLEMENTARY TERRIAN DWELLER lifts itself up to look out. Its antennaed head looks not unlike that scary, middle part of a butterfly. It is not much smaller than a dime. Upon seeing Gertie, it unrolls its crazy snout with joy and then lowers itself below the seat and withdraws its hands to wait.

GERTIE walks over to the toilet, hikes up her skirt and sits down. After a moment, she jumps a little, as if having received a small electrical shock.

INT./EXT. THE '78 ELDORADO BIARRITZ - LATER

GERTIE and LONNIE pull out of the driveway, waving goodbye to BRANDI and JEFFERSON, who are standing at the door.

LONNIE HERISSON

That went pretty well.

GERTIE ELLIOT

What did Brandi say to you in the bathroom?

LONNIE HERISSON

She thinks you and Jefferson are getting with the doing. How ridiculous is that?

GERTIE remains silent and smiles as she drives. She drags deeply on her lipstick-stained cigarette.

LONNIE HERISSON (cont'd)

But there's something I don't understand. How is any of this related to real estate? We never even mentioned selling the house, and Brandi said she would never sell the place. I just don't see the point.

GERTIE turns her head to look at LONNIE. Her eyes are suddenly reptilian, the pupils stretched out like those of a goat.

GERTIE ELLIOT

Oh, you
will
see it. You
will
...

EXT. CREEPY, DARK STREET - NIGHT

It is raining hard. LONNIE, wearing a trench coat and a hat, hears a mysterious foreign voice call out to him.

MYSTERIOUS FOREIGN VOICE (off screen)

Follow the sound of my voice! Let it guide you to your destination...

LONNIE HERISSON

(Looks around confusedly)

Who the hell are you? Where are you? What do you mean, my destination? I was on my way to get some burgers.

MYSTERIOUS FOREIGN VOICE (off screen)

Follow your heart. Let it guide you...

LONNIE HERISSON

I don't have time for this crap.

LONNIE continues on his way.

MYSTERIOUS FOREIGN VOICE (off screen)

(Sounding much less mysterious)

Go to the corner of 18th and Santa Monica

(The mysterious tone comes back)

Next to the Honda dealership...

LONNIE walks quickly over to a spooky-looking building. He walks around the side, goes down some concrete stairs, and knocks on a door.

MYSTERIOUS FOREIGN VOICE (off screen)

Come in, Mr. Herisson.

LONNIE opens the door and steps in out of the rain.

LONNIE HERISSON

Why have you lead me here? And hey, how do you know my name?

The candle-lit room is filled with elaborate contraptions of dubious utility. Along one wall are a series of terrariums, in which many frogs and toads jump happily around. A definitely weird kind of foreigner, dressed in a gold, red and green silk robe, is bent over a work bench studying an object. His long beard and mustache almost reach the ground.

DEFINITELY WEIRD KIND OF FOREIGNER

(Without looking up)

Long have our destinies been intertwined. I perceive things, get flashes or hear sounds. I know, for example, that you used to carry in you the Supplementary Terrian Dweller. You are here now because it has reappeared in your life. But what I don't know is why I was inspired to install these terrariums.

LONNIE HERISSON

I listen to a frog-barking CD every night to get to sleep!

DEFINITELY WEIRD KIND OF FOREIGNER