Lady Rose's Education (12 page)

September, 1891

Lady Rose had been in a feverish stupor for three days. The doctor looked more and more concerned each time he came out of her room.

Lady Rose had disorderly dreams, an image of horrors after another, while she got tangled in with her clammy bed linen. She was standing by a window and suddenly leaned too far over the window-ledge, falling into a pit of snakes. She was on a ferry that was adrift on the limitless sea. She became a twirl of black cloth and white face and disappeared under the surface.

In the morning of the fourth day of her ailment she was somewhat more alert and sat up. Mrs. Motley wiped her sweaty skin clean and dry and gently forced her to drink some tea. After she had taken the tea away, Lady Rose closed her eyes again and rested.

When she came to, she could hear someone mumbling next to her bed. When she opened her eyes slightly and saw Mr. Perry, she felt quite confused. She said, ”Mr. Perry, why are you here? Am I dying?”

”No, no, certainly not,” Mr. Perry said quickly. ”I was only – that is, Mrs. Motley was kind enough to let me in to see how you were. But you must rest, so I will take my leave.”

He got up to go, but Lady Rose said, ”No, please, stay a while. I would very much like some company.” He sat back into the chair.

”Mr. Perry,” Lady Rose said. Under the pretext of her feverish stupor she felt free to say anything that popped into her head. ”I want to ask you something. Why do you always feel you can speak to me in such direct manner? You must know it is not the way most people talk to me.”

Mr. Perry seemed slightly surprised by the question.

”You have heard my sermons,” he said. ”I am always saying to my congregation that men are created equals, and even women too. Don't you think my words would ring hollow, if I let beauty or titles intimidate me excessively?”

It was Lady Rose's turn to look flustered.

”I see,” she said quickly, to hide the fact that ”beauty” hadn't gone unnoticed.

Lady Rose laid her head on her pillow and closed her eyes for a moment.

”I have dismissed my maid, you know,” she said. ”She turned out to be treacherous. But now I am all alone.”

”I think I know the perfect companion for you,” Mr. Perry said. ”Someone who is loyal and intelligent and whom you may have overlooked.”

”Mr. Perry,” Lady Rose said wearily, ”are you going to sell me a dog?”

Mirth made Mr. Perry's eyes all but disappear.

”I am talking about your sister Letitia. I advise you to take her into your confidences. She would be worthy of them.” While he talked, Mr. Perry touched Lady Rose's arm warmly. Then he became conscious of his hand and withdrew it, rather too quickly.

There was a strenuous silence between them.

”My sister?” Lady Rose said finally. ”Me and Letitia have never really understood each other well. I find her haughty and snobbish and she finds me frivolous.”

”Maybe that has been the case in the past,” Mr. Perry said, ”but you may find that things have changed. As an objective observer I would like say I have seen some changes in both of you. The last events may have made her more accommodating, and you are by no means frivolous.”

Lady Rose contemplated his words.

”I'm not sure whether I should tell you this or not, but she came to see me,” Mr. Perry said. ”She asked me to pray for you.”

”Letitia asked you to pray? I find
that
hard to believe.”

”You have been very ill, Lady Rose. You yourself have been quite oblivious to it, but other people – many people – have been very concerned about you.” Mr. Perry said this without meeting her eye. He might have said something more, but right then there was a knock on the door.

”I am sorry to disturb you,” Mr. Cartwright said, ”but I have some bad news. It is about His Lordship. He has taken a turn for worse, and he has asked to see you, Lady Rose. Would you be up to making the trip to his room, if myself and Mr. Perry assist you?”

”My daughter, I can feel my life running out. When I look back, I have many regrets. I have given you very little of myself, I can see that now.”

He took a few difficult deep breaths. Lady Rose leaned over to hear him better. Mr. Perry was standing in the side of the room, trying to look unobtrusive.

”Do not judge your brother too harshly.”

”Charles?” Lady Rose said, surprised. ”What about Charles?”

”He is not a whole human being at the moment. I can see it, because I once suffered the way he is suffering now. I, too, had to cut out my heart and go on without it.”

He took a painful breath. ”I hope to God Charles recovers from it better than I did.”

”Rose, you see, there are moments in life that you know that you pay and pay and pay for. Sometimes you know it even as you live them. I can't earnestly say that I regret those moments that I had. Without them I might never have lived at all.”

”Which moments do you mean, father?” Lady Rose asked.

He gestured towards the glass of water on the side-desk. Lady Rose brought it to him, rested it against his lip and let him sip. Then he continued, without answering her question, ”I do have my regrets, however.”

He took some difficult breaths.

”I can't tell you the whole story, but I will say something. Years ago something happened that left me bitter and listless. I had to choose: either to go on forever limping or to cut out that part of myself entirely, the part with sentiment, and heal what was left. So I did the latter. I did my best to harden myself. I cut out the part with sentiment, and that way I could go on with my life, not as a whole man but at least as an empty shell. I could perform my duties. But you and your sister and your brother paid the price. You had to live with a father lacking a heart.”

”What about my mother?” Lady Rose asked. Her heart was beating fast. She could see that her father was skirting around some particularity about himself that she probably didn't want to hear.

”Your mother is a different story. If there is a wound, she is the one standing by with the salt. I won't ask for her forgiveness, but I will ask for yours.”

The Earl laid his head on the pillow and closed his eyes. Lady Rose thought he might be done with talking. She sat on the edge of the seat by his bed and waited patiently.

Finally she stood up, gave her father a gentle kiss on the forehead and was about to slip out of the room. The earl said, still with his eyes closed, ”I would like to give you my best counsel, if I can.”

Lady Rose sat back down on the edge of her seat.

”Don't repeat my mistakes. Your heart is a strong organ. Trust it.”

”Yes, father, I will,” Lady Rose said, though she hardly knew what she was agreeing to.

”Forgive me, my daughter. Forgive me.”

”For what?”

There was no answer. The Earl had closed his eyes, and this time he really was asleep.

***

Lady Rose and Mr. Perry had made it out of the room and reached the end of the hallway. Only then did Lady Rose notice that the strain of being up and about had taken a toll on her. When she tried to take another step forward, she almost keeled over. Mr. Perry, who was fortunately standing right beside her, got her in a firm grip just in time.

Mrs. Motley looked astonished at the sight of Lady Rose with red-rimmed eyes, dressed in a Chinese-patterned dressing gown and with Mr. Perry holding her tightly in his arms.

”Can I help you?” Mrs. Motley asked.

”Mrs. Motley,” Lady Rose said, with some relief in her voice, ”where is Norah?”

Her voice was shrill and her cheeks were burning scarlet. ”Please, bring her to me at once.”

Mrs. Motley was forced to remind her that Norah had resigned and left the house that morning.

The information made Lady Rose so weak that her knees faltered. There were bright circles of red on her cheeks, and her eyes were glistening unnaturally.

”She is not at all well, Mr. Perry,” Mrs. Motley said. ”I will go and fetch the doctor.”

”I have better carry her into her room,” Mr. Perry said. True to his word he put one arm under her knees and one arm behind her back and scooped her up. She leaned her head against his shoulder and closed her eyes.

Mr. Perry found the sensation of her hot breath on his neck difficult to bear calmly. He carried Lady Rose to her room and gently laid her on her bed, covering her carefully with the blankets.

Lady Rose opened her eyes and looked straight at him.

”You are good to me,” she said, her words getting somewhat blurred, ”so very good.”

Nellie was in the throes of remorse. She had wanted Norah to get the sack, that was true enough, but she had wanted no harm for Lady Rose. Everyone said that Lady Rose was very ill. She might even die. If she did, how could Nellie ever forgive herself?

”Can I do something for Lady Rose?” she asked Mrs. Motley, who was not used to getting such humility from her.

”No, love, it is in God's hands now,” Mrs. Motley said and patted her hand.

But it was not. Nellie knew something she could do that would make Lady Rose feel better. She put on a coat and slipped out of the servants' door before anyone had time to spot her leaving.

***

”What do you mean, Nellie? Did Lady Rose not ask you to fetch me, like you said?”

They were standing outside of Lady Rose's bedroom.

”No, she didn't ask me to do it, not exactly.”

”Then why are you putting her through this? And me?” Norah was exasperated.

”I know you parted in bad terms, but it will be different now, I promise,” Nellie said. ”Lady Rose has been very ill, and she is terribly weak.”

Bad terms, good terms, what a wide variety of shades could be fitted between those two expressions.

”I don't know, Nellie –” Norah said.

When Norah stepped inside, her countenance changed entirely.

”My Lady!” she said and rushed to the lady's bedside.

Lady Rose looked white and weak, and her beautiful hair was a mess of damp wool. Norah's nursing instincts took over. She still remembered well the little things she used to do when she was looking after her mother.

She wiped Lady Rose's brow with a wet cloth and gave her water to drink.

”Thank you, Norah,” Lady Rose whispered. ”I'm glad you are here.”

”I would have come sooner, if I knew you were so ill,” Norah said sincerely.

”I am no longer cross with you,” Lady Rose said. ”I know you didn't do anything wrong.”

She squeezed Norah's hand.

”That is good, My Lady,” Norah said. ”You should get some sleep. I will be sitting here, when you wake up.”

***

Norah left the room to go and find Mrs. Motley. She wanted to tell her that she would stay for a few days.

When she walked down the corridor, a door was opened. Norah recognised the Earl immediately, even though she had not seen him before. He was staring at her.

As an instinct Norah touched her hair, which was in a tight bun, to check that it was tidily in place. She was wearing her own dress and not the black uniform.

”Mary?” the Earl said, with his voice faltering with emotion.

”No, Your Lordship,” Norah said. There was a tiny shift in her expression as a very strange truth began to dawn on her.

”Mary was my mother's name,” she finally said.

At first there were no signs of Norah's words getting registered in the Earl's mind, but slowly a flicker of understanding lit his eyes. He took a step back to escape from it and had to grab the doorframe for support.

”Can I help you?” Norah said and dashed forward, taking a good hold of his arm. She helped the Earl walk the few steps towards his bed, and he sunk back in it. Shivering from cold he pulled at the covers, and his eyes darted from Norah to the roof and back.

”Could you go and get Mr. Cartwright?” he asked her. ”He needs to fetch someone for me.”

Mr. Cartwright stood with his head bowed respectfully, when he delivered the news of the Earl's death to the servants. His Lordship's fever had risen dramatically during the night, and he had drawn his last breaths early in the morning.

As if that was not enough, the new morning had dawned with a second piece of news. None of the family members would have admitted to telling the servants about that one, but the information had trickled down among them as surely as crumbs fall off a table.

There was no dismissing it as gossip. In his last evening the Earl had asked his lawyer, Mr. Wyndham, to be brought to him. He had wanted to change his will.

***

”When Mary left the Abbey, she was carrying a child,” Mrs. Motley said to Norah. She was not going to discuss the family's fresh chagrin with anyone else, but Norah was entitled to know everything that she could tell her.

”I think I told you before that there was a young underbutler named Elliot, who was smitten with Mary. Everyone could see it. When Mary was dismissed from service, he resigned too and went with her. Later we heard from your aunt Sarah that they had gotten married in the north. So, you'll understand why it seemed like an open and shut case.”

Norah sat in Mrs. Motley's room again, staring at the copper teapot and taking punches. Elliot had been the man her mother had said to be Norah's father. He had died, when Norah was two years old, so Mary's stories had always been all that she remembered of him.

Now she had lost not one but two fathers.

Mrs. Motley looked gloomy.

”Maybe I had my suspicions at some point. I thought I saw some strange dealings between Mary and His Lordship, so I was relieved when she left. It had only been a bit of flirting, I thought, and now it was over.”

***

”Mr. Perry!” Lady Rose said and misery strained her face tight. ”You have heard the truth, haven't you? I want you to know the truth about my family's shame.”

”Your mother has told me the news. She feels the shock very bitterly. I tried to calm her as best I could, but the doctor provided a more powerful remedy for now.”

He held her hand.

”I want to tell you something about myself, in the hopes that it might be helpful to you,” Mr. Perry said. ”There is a blemish in my family's past, too. My father did something wrong. I will not go into detail right now. I will merely say that what he did was not anything criminal but something that people thought wrong or inappropriate regardless.”

”How could you face the people?” Lady Rose asked quietly.

”It made me want to live my own life straight as an arrow, without a blemish. It may even be the reason that I am a vicar,” he said. ”You are not your father, Lady Rose, and his deeds are not your deeds.”

”But his reputation is my reputation,” Lady Rose said.

”No, you see, that is where you are wrong. You have to build your own reputation. You are used to being Lady Rose of the Abbey, but you can be many more things besides that. You only have to find them.”

Lady Rose couldn't feel the comfort of his words yet, but she felt it very strongly in his warm hand and the compassion on his face.

”Will you stay with me a while?” she asked.

”I will stay as long as you want,” he said.