Lady Trent (29 page)

“Strange men,” she repeated. “You have just
described yourself.”

“I have been called strange, which may in a
sense apply. But ignorant, no. A failure, no. Wrong, no.”

“You have too much confidence in
yourself.”

“As you have come to have in yourself, as
well, although I knew it was there all along.”

“You know nothing about me,” she hatefully
returned, beams of anger sparking in her eyes. She peered at him a
moment before calmly implying, “I do believe your toils, these
missions to and fro, have finally taken a toll upon your mind.
Perhaps you should cease from them, become married and have a
family so that you will have something else to occupy your
thoughts.”

“In just a matter of time that very thing
will be accomplished.”

“What woman would want you as a husband? You
would only drive her mad in the end.”

“The one to whom I am engaged…that one,” he
sarcastically answered her.

Whatever she would have said next became
swiftly forgotten. She stared at his profile, very serious but
tired, drained.

“Then it’s true? You are engaged?”

“The marriage will take place early
Fall.”

She did not notice the breath that had caught
in her lungs until it became unbearable to hold any longer. She
looked down while her heart did something strange, and she did not
want him to see her expression.

“Engaged,” she finally managed, and then
asked, “To whom?”

“Elizabeth of Westcott, the daughter of Earl
Wescott. You met them. They were present at the wedding.”

Yes, she did remember. Earl Wescott was a
member of the Higher Nobles, and he and his wife and daughter had
stood in during the exchanging of her and Jacob’s vows.

“Since when?” She suddenly asked. “Why have I
not heard of it?”

“The proposal was set out before me many
months ago, but I only recently accepted. I have told nobody as of
yet. Only you.”

Her eyes searched the ground. This idea of
him marrying made her feel peculiar.

“Then,” he began, “Jacob will find another
man to perform the duties he has entrusted me with. I imagine that
will please you.”

Her eyes skipped about the ground. “The news
will disappoint him.”

“If he had any clue the reason behind this
sudden decision it would not. He would then surely approve. You,
yourself, should be relieved.”

“I am not,” she blurted, and then turned so
that he could not see her face. She leaned against the ledge and
stared down below. It seemed the ground was swirling round and
round and round. She closed her eyes and braced herself. Too much
wine. She’d had too much. And this. She’d already imagined him
married, having children, and rarely presenting himself…perhaps he
would bring his wife along when he did visit, and his children
after she bore them.

She felt incredibly frustrated by her
emotional state, could not comprehend why this troubled her so
much.

“Do you love her?” She came to ask.

“No.”

Now she could not help but look at him. “You
will wed a woman you do not love?”

“Such arrangements are not uncommon. You know
this.”

“Usually for the sake of land or of an heir
or both.”

“Land, I have. I imagine children will come
soon enough.”

“Something I cannot give my own husband,” she
said more to herself than anything.

“Because you are not able, or have yet to
sleep with him?”

Her chest rose and fell and all sorts of
sensations crashed over her all at once. “Again you overstep your
boundaries. What is your obsession with my virtue? While it stays
intact I am promised the ability to return to my calling.”

“Jacob will not have drawn his final breath
before the deed is done.”

“You think yourself so wise.”

“I can see through you.”

“Can you?”

“You constantly fight your natural
sentiments, desires that naturally exist, yes, even in a woman like
yourself…especially after she has fallen in love with a man….and
even if she has not.”

“You seem intent upon having me withdraw from
my husband.”

“I am content to think of you as you are.
Untouched. Perhaps it intrigues my imagination. Perhaps I am
intrigued by the woman I spied upon in the gardens in Harp, a woman
who is before my very eyes changing…for the better or for the worst
I cannot say. I imagine it is yet to be known what this lifestyle
will truly do to you.”

“You have no right to judge me.”

“You are not without imagination? Surely you
have imagined being made love to.”

“I despise you and your filthy mouth. If
Jacob could hear the way you speak to me.”

“All you must do is open your own mouth and
tell him. He will believe you…and dismiss me from his sight, which
would be well with me, I suppose, seeing as to how I am so close to
doing so on my own anyway.”

“Why?” She prodded. “Why so swiftly?”

“Because I want you, Rachel, simple as that.
I have for some time now. I cannot help but express it to you. I
cannot keep myself from it.”

“And you claim to care for Jacob as if he
were your own father.”

“No, I care for him as he is a dear friend, a
man worthy of respect and honor, and who has proven himself to be
equally as loyal as I have been these many years. Now I find myself
in the wrong. Terribly in the wrong. But I am a mere man. I did not
intend to betray him.”

“How have you betrayed him?”

“I simply have. Perhaps not in deed. But in
my mind again and again and again.” He looked down. “I have decided
to have a wife and children. This will be beneficial in many ways.
I know you have sensed my sentiments. I cannot keep them hidden
from him forever. I am talented only to a degree. Just the same, I
cannot continue to lust after a woman I can never have. I have not
had to do so under any circumstance, and here I find more than one
circumstance. Not only are you pure, but belong to a man I would
never betray.”

“Neither would I.”

“I have distracted myself but to no avail for
any extended period of time. So, then, I shall set my desires
elsewhere, upon an estate of my own…and a family.”

She shook her head. “It is not fair of you to
marry this woman when you do not love her. It is not fair to her
when…when she could very well be happy with a man who does love
her. To be united with a man who has no love for her…is that at all
fair?”

“Why should you care?”

“Maybe I truly don’t,” she said and turned
around, tears brimming her eyes. “The thought of you marrying…it
disturbs me.”

“It seems everything about me disturbs
you.”

“Because you are so-so-so damned annoying.”
She glanced down and up again. “What has become of me?” She asked,
more to herself than anything. “I have turned into a horrible
woman.” Her chest rose and fell as her mind began to skip over the
past few weeks. “I—I drink. I curse and hate. I take pride in
this—this credit. I become angry and jealous. I lust and I fear. I
am afraid.”

“Afraid?”

“Of who I may become…just as you say, it is
happening before my very own eyes, and not only mine. For the first
time in my life I am afraid of how I feel. All the worse I cannot
share it. Not with anyone, not even with God. I am too ashamed to
face him, even.”

He touched her arm as if to console her, and
then her hand. As if by some magnetic force, he began to draw her
to him and she allowed him. He embraced her, holding her to his
chest, caressing her hair, and saying very close to her ear. “You
have nothing to be ashamed of. And you may share your feelings,
even without speaking them. There are no secrets, Rachel. I know
you well. Already in this short time. You are proud because you are
admired. How could you not be proud? You curse because of your
lusts, and you drink because you fight them, and because of your
anger, and because of your jealousy. It is a cycle that many a
noble woman has fallen into, but that few regret, only to do
whatever they aspire so long as they continue to be praised and
envied and wealthy.”

She allowed him to hold her there, her cheek
against his strong chest. She closed her eyes, telling herself to
pull away but unable to. With her fists she took hold of his shirt,
but did not withdraw.

“I think,” he quietly began, resting his
cheek atop her head, “that I may need to abandon myself from here
altogether.”

“You have already abandoned us. Jacob will be
so disappointed.” She pulled away from him, although still holding
to his shirt. “You needn’t tell him just yet. Please.”

He simply stared down into her blurry eyes
for a moment, and his eyes gave him away, even before he spoke she
knew what he would say.

“I plan to tell him when I return, and also
to leave in the near future to establish myself, prepare a place
for my soon-to-be wife.”

“Very well then.” She pushed him away. “Go!
By all means, leave him just like that.”

“I have little choice than to take my life in
this direction, one I had planned to take anyway at one time or
another. Now is as good a time as ever. I fear my feelings for you
will become even stronger, something that I will surely not be able
to withstand. I also have other fears.” He fell silent, thinking to
himself before coming close to her, and she did not back away when
he lowered his head and dropped a kiss on her cheek. He pulled
away, looking deeply into her eyes, saying again, “I have other
fears.”

He ran his knuckles down her cheek and her
neck and shoulder.

Rachel felt as if she was smothering. She
took a step back, placing a palm over the cheek she had allowed him
to kiss. No, she had not drawn away, and had he chosen to do so, he
could have very kissed her on the lips.

“Please go,” she told him, a single tear
streaming from one eye. “Please.”

And he did.

******

There were many farewells that morning as she
prepared for her ride home. Many gifts were bestowed upon her,
trinkets of all kinds…earbobs and strings of pearls and rings
passed from one generation to another. Small children even provided
concoctions of their own…..drawings and reefs—one of which she
placed upon her head and wore, waving out at the people as she
departed the manor.

All had gone well…except there was one single
solitaire question which nobody could answer. Just where on earth
was Roselyn? Nobody could provide an answer for her other than they
did not know. Not the servants of the manor house. Not Tilly or
Zaria. But Zaria, although believable, seemed to have kept
something back. It appeared she knew something, although the
whereabouts she swore she hadn’t a clue, and Rachel believed her.
The maiden seemed to have vanished into nowhere.

There was no time to dwell upon it. She
merely left a final request with every member of the manor house.
If the maiden was to appear, if she was discovered, that she should
be immediately transferred to the palace.

The ride back was very awkward, although she
and Marcus did not ride together as the last time. Marcus had
purchased a horse in Orland, and rode ahead with the guards. Rachel
had that night pled for forgiveness. It wasn’t a small matter,
allowing him to hold her like that…to kiss her even if it was only
on the cheek. She could have very well allowed him to kiss her on
the lips.

But the way he had so tenderly held her,
caressing her hair and soothing her. She could still feel the touch
of his hand gliding down her jaw, her neck, the crook of her
shoulder, touching her in a way meant only for lovers. In her mind,
the greatest debauchery of all was these feelings she had for him,
truly that she could not deny—no, not to herself or even him,
perhaps. Something she was learning. Such feelings, when shared
between two people, could certainly be recognized and possibly
strengthened because of the sharing of them. They were certainly
acknowledged. While she’d been pushing them deeper and deeper
inside, even from the very first recollection of him, that very
first encounter, she had buried these attractions deep within her
as if to hide them not from the world, but from herself…and now
from the world. From Marcus? No, he had seen them all along. From
Jacob? Indeed, for he hadn’t a clue. Or did he? Perhaps he’d sensed
it all along, some fascination between them. Then she doubted. But
wondered just how she would hide her heart from him. Or even how
she would rid herself of the disturbing attraction. She imagined
only one way. To draw closer to Jacob. Yes, surely that would
suffice.

But with or without this idea, with or
without Marcus in the picture, she had already wished to draw
closer to him. She loved him. She loved him dearly. And even
thinking about him along the way put butterflies and flames of fire
in the pits of her stomach.

As for Marcus, she cursed him in her mind for
approaching her at all to begin with, for putting her in such a
position that night. If only she hadn’t stepped outside with him.
If only he would have kept the news of his engagement to himself.
If only she would have fled and gone off to her private chambers to
collect herself and avoid such a thing ever happening.

She felt guilty and unforgiven. Would she be
able to face Jacob? How? Wouldn’t her eyes give her away? Wouldn’t
he see straight thru her, just as Marcus apparently had, and as she
had him all along?

She closed her eyes against the idea and
replayed an event time and time again that hadn’t even taken place.
And she fell asleep, not awakening until they were near home.

******

One guard had ridden up ahead of them to make
the announcement. She was well on her way, and Jacob was waiting.
As they came near the city, she spotted him. He was so tall and
handsome sitting astride his horse. Her heart palpitated at sight
of him. Suddenly all the past was gone. There was only now, and she
was ever grateful to see him. She could hardly wait for the
carriage to get to him.