Ladyfish (24 page)

The pain of Pete’s death felt like it was crushing her, stopping her from breathing and making her dizzy. The possibility her father was responsible was a thought she couldn’t bear. She didn’t want to accept that the man who had fathered her was capable of killing her best friend. She didn’t want it to be true, but already the reality of the situation, the reality of the man, was becoming clearer to her. He would stop at nothing. He didn’t care who he hurt or who he killed. If they were in his way, they were a target.

She began to see exactly what Oz had meant when she said that she was in danger. Finn realized that her lack of involvement in her father’s illicit dealings was not a safety net, because she knew far too much to be outside of his control. She knew too much about the development of the bacteria, and if it was intended as a weapon, her knowledge could lead to a cure for it, making it far less valuable on the black market. Slowly, as though she were watching a film, everything became clear.

At thirty, she received full access to her trust and was independently wealthy of her father, so he couldn’t control her financially anymore. Marrying her off to someone he felt he controlled was another level of control, another jailer that she would have to break away from before she could think for herself. He didn’t know Pete had never wanted that kind of control over her. She realized that anyone around her who wasn’t in his control faced the same risk that Pete had.
And we didn’t even know it. Not again. I won’t be the reason anyone else gets hurt. I can’t do that to Oz.

“Honey, I’m home.” Oz walked into the house, her fists full of trash bags, backpacks over her back, Finn’s camera and laptop cases over her shoulders. Finn walked out of the kitchen area and kissed her, taking some of the bags from her. “I missed you.” They kissed again and Oz pulled her closer to her. The whole time she had been gone she had been worried about Finn’s frame of mind. She had looked so small and fragile when Oz had left the base, and it broke her heart to know there wasn’t anything she could do to fix it.

“I missed you too. I’ve made dinner. It just needs to go in the oven. Are you hungry?”

“Yeah, but I think we should get some of this sorted first.” Oz pointed to the bags. Maybe if they got some of their own stuff in the house, it wouldn’t seem so awful. Maybe it wouldn’t feel like Finn had put some distance between them. “Then we can sit down and relax.”

“Okay.”

Together they put the house in order, slowly making it more homey. Herbs and sauce, along with open windows, helped dissipate the musty smell. They worked in silence, and with every minute, Oz felt more panic churning in her stomach. They’d left a beach house and moved to an ugly base house. Finn was quiet, clearly lost in her own thoughts and pain, and Oz couldn’t figure out how to make anything better.

“Dinner’s almost ready. Charlie found another chair earlier, so I thought we could sit at the table.”

Oz sat down as Finn put the baking sheet into the sink and came back with a bowl of salad and a bottle of wine. Finn’s voice trembled slightly, and tension stretched between them like a rubber band stretched too tight.

“This is wonderful.” She caught Finn’s hand and kissed it. “Just like you.”

Finn smiled sadly. “Oz, we need to talk.”

Oz’s stomach lurched. “Those have got to be the most feared words in any relationship. Baby, I know this place isn’t great, but it’s temporary.”

“It’s not that, darling—”

“Oh.” Oz’s voice was flat as she racked her brain for another problem. “Does being on the base make you think about my past? About what I’ve done?” She felt the bile rising in her throat, anger and guilt playing an equal part.

“Oz, it’s nothing like that. It’s about me.”

“It’s not me, it’s you? That is such crap, Finn.” Oz frowned, desperation and panic combining into an angry parcel.

“Oz, will you let me speak? Please?”

Oz pressed her lips together and sat quietly, folding and unfolding a napkin, shredding it into pieces.

“I don’t know how to thank you for everything you’ve done. You and your family. I don’t know how I can ever thank you enough. But I don’t want to put you all in danger any more. I think it might be best if I went back to England and faced my dad. That’s the only way you can be safe.”

She doesn’t want me. She wants to go. I don’t know how I’ve done it, but I’ve fucked it up already. She thinks she’d be better off without me.

“You can’t go. Finn, he’s going to hurt you. I’m sure of it. Please don’t—”

“I don’t think he will. If he thinks he doesn’t have anything to fear from me, he’ll leave me alone.”

“I’ve known men like him before. Everything I’ve learned about him tells me he doesn’t care that he’s your father. All he cares about is himself! If you go to him, you’re making it easy for him. Do you want to end up like Pete?”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I don’t want anyone to get hurt.”

“Then don’t go.”

“I have to.”

“No, you don’t. Stay. Here, with me. I’ll protect you—”

“If he’s the man you say he is, you can’t protect me from him.”

“Yes, I can. I will.”

“I have to go, Oz. Don’t you see?”

“See what? That you’re choosing to leave me?”

“That I’m trying to protect you!”

“Me? I don’t need protection. He’s not after me.”

“Pete didn’t think he did either.”

Oz leaned forward, desperately wanting to touch her but afraid something would break inside her if Finn rejected her. “What happened to Pete was not your fault.”

“No? Because from where I’m standing, the only reason he was involved in any of this mess is because he was my friend.”

“It was your father’s fault, not yours.”

“He was my best friend. He was the only one who was always there for me. Now he’s dead, and it’s all my fault.”

“Finn—”

“No. I won’t risk it again. I won’t let anything happen to anyone else.”

“Finn, you can’t stop him.”

“I can stop him hurting you. If I’m not with you, he has no reason to hurt you.”

“I’ll take the chance.”

“I won’t. Don’t you see? I can’t. I’ve lost everyone. Everyone I ever cared about is gone. He’s taken my mother and Pete. I won’t let that happen to you too.”

“So you’re just going to give up? Walk out on me, on us?”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“Isn’t it? It sure looks like it to me.”

“You don’t understand.”

“Then make me understand, Finn. Explain it so that I can understand why you’re okay about walking out of here and straight back to the life you were desperate to escape.” Her hands were shaking as she clenched and unclenched them at her sides. “When you came here you were certain you were never going back. That your father wasn’t going to be a part of your life anymore. You dreamed of living your own life, making your own choices.”

“This is my choice.”

“Is it? Because I don’t think this is a choice you’re making. I think it’s a reaction.” She took a chance and took Finn’s hands in her own. “I think you’re in shock and that you’ll see what a bad idea this is when—”

Finn ripped her hands away. “Don’t, Oz. Don’t patronize me.”

“I’m not trying to patronize you. I want you to stay. I need you to stay here so I can protect you. I need to look after you, Finn. I can’t do that if you’re not here.”

“I told you, I’m going back to London. I’m going to see my father and I’m going to stop anyone else getting hurt.”

“I can’t let you do that.”

“What?” Finn whirled around, her eyes blazing in her anger. “What did you say? You can’t let me? And what exactly are you going to do? Lock me in? Are you going to put bars on the window so I can’t climb out?” She pushed against Oz’s chest, pushing her away. “I won’t let you hold me here.”

“That’s not what I meant. I just want you to think about this calmly and rationally before you do something we’ll both regret.”

“I think it’s too late for that, don’t you?”

“Finn—”

“Just stop. I’m going back to London. End of story.”

Oz felt like an abyss had opened beneath her feet and was swallowing her whole. Finn had walked into her life with her oversized clothes, cute accent, and beautiful eyes, and Oz had let herself believe in the possibilities. She had let herself believe she was worthy of being with someone like Finn. She had let Finn’s innocence soothe her demons, and her joy at all the simple wonders she had seen had brought Oz so much pleasure. She had wanted so desperately for it all to be real, for it to last, that she had forgotten that she didn’t belong here. It was time to let go of the fantasy, the dream, and let Finn go her own way.

“Is that really what you want?” Oz tried to keep her face blank and her voice calm, holding back the tears that threatened to spill down her cheeks.

“Yes, that’s what I want. I want to go to London. I want to go and talk to my dad. It’s my decision, and no one else’s.” Oz got to her feet and went to the front door. She slowly pulled it open and spoke without turning.

“Stay here as long as you need to. I can organize a ride to the airport for you whenever you’re ready.” She closed the door behind her and let the tears fall. If Finn wanted to leave, she wasn’t going to beg her to stay. She was a grown woman, and she could do what she wanted. Maybe she was right. If her father didn’t think she was a threat, he’d leave her alone. Oz had no right to make her live in a military base just because she wanted to protect her. She had no right to expect Finn to stay with her. She would let go and pray to whoever was listening that she had done the right thing.

Oz didn’t know where she was going. She just knew she couldn’t stop. It hurt too much, and she only stopped walking when she came to the obstacle training course. The blood was pumping through her veins, and the need to run was making her muscles twitch. She didn’t think about the darkness descending around her. She didn’t think at all. She just needed to outrun the pain.

You always knew you weren’t good enough for her, Zuckerman. It’s not a surprise. You knew she would need to get away from you. You have nothing to offer a woman like her.

Her feet pounded the hard-packed dirt as she started running, her pace fast and furious. She attacked each obstacle with the fury building inside her. Each wall surmounted, and every bridge crossed. Every single inch of the course scoured.

She dragged herself through the half submerged tunnel and continued running, covered in the foul smelling mud that had lain in the pits for years. Years of doubts and fears, of panic and loneliness kept her company as she ran. She carried on, ignoring the sting of the barbed wire, the scrapes to her hands and knees as she threw herself over the wall and collapsed on the other side of the finish point.

What I said didn’t matter. Nothing I feel for her matters. It’s everything I’ve done before her that she sees. And I can’t erase that.

“What you doing here, squirt?”

Oz opened her eyes to see Charlie looking down at her. She just stared up at him through the haze of self-loathing eating her soul.

“You needed to blow off a bit of steam, huh?”

She closed her eyes again before covering them with her arm, her breathing ragged and sweat running down her neck.

He sat on the grass beside her. “I thought you’d be back at the house with Finn. I know she was planning on cooking you some fancy dinner. You best get over there before it burns.”

“She doesn’t want me there.”

Charlie looked at her before he spoke. “She tell you that?”

Oz shrugged.

“What happened?”

Oz didn’t know where to start. She felt the tears well in her eyes again and tried to push herself off the ground, intent on running the course again. Charlie held her arm and pulled her back down on the grass beside him. Then he waited patiently.

“She said we needed to talk. That she thought going back to England and facing her father was the best way to deal with this whole situation.” She wrapped her arms about her knees and let the tears fall. “I only just found her, Uncle Charlie, and already she doesn’t want me.”

“That isn’t what she said to you.”

“Yeah, it is. She said she thought she should go back to England. Without me. She wants to leave me.”

“No, honey. That’s what you’re hearing. That’s your fear and your own insecurities hearing that she doesn’t want you. If she thinks facing her father is something she should do, I don’t think that’s any reflection on how she feels about you.”

Oz stared at him like he’d grown a second head.

“Think about this for a minute. Use the damn brain you’ve got in your head, and just think of what she’s going through. What do you think is really going on in her head right now?”

“If I knew that, I don’t think I’d be here.”

“She’s scared. She’s just lost her best friend, the only person she’s had to talk to, to care about, to lean on in how many years?”

“About twenty.”

“Right. And it was, probably, her own father that killed him.”

“I think we all know that it’s more than probably.”

“Right. And she’s just found out that in all likelihood her father knows about your relationship with her.”

“I know she’s scared—”

“Scared? Girl, if I was her I wouldn’t even be functioning right now. She’s trying to resolve her problems the only way she can think of. Whether that solution is right or wrong, she’s got some guts to think of going and facing the old bastard to get him off your back.”

“What do you mean?”

“Oz, think. Do you really think she wants to go and see the man she thinks has killed her best friend, her mother, and quite possibly turned the work she was doing to treat cancer patients into a biological weapon? Do you really think she wants to do that?”

“No.”

“Then why is she prepared to do that?”

Finn’s words came rushing back to her and managed to penetrate the pain. Finn was willing to do it to make sure she was okay. She was willing to sacrifice herself to keep others safe. “Oh, God. I don’t deserve her.” The tears were flowing freely down her cheeks.