Laid Bare: Essays and Observations (6 page)

“Sorry. How was dinner?”

“Terrific. Your brother’s a fun date.”

“We’ll see you in the morning, Mark,” said Scott. He nodded to his brother and once again took my hand and led me to the wide, carpeted stairs.

In the bathroom I swallowed the Viagra before showering. With my head bowed under the hot spray I reminded myself of the sideboard this night would allow me to buy. I wrapped a towel around my waist and opened the door. Scott was waiting just on the other side, still fully dressed, and, averting his gaze, slid by me into the bathroom as I passed him and headed down the hall.

The sheets were cool and fresh and I looked around the room as I waited for Scott to come back from the bathroom. The chintz wallpaper matched the fabric that covered the round table in the corner of the room. Several gilt picture frames sat on the table, and I noticed the pictures they held were the stock images of happy families and couples used to display the frames in the store. Nothing in the room gave any clue to either the sex or age of its occupant. I imagined Scott walking in to a furniture store and saying I’ll take the whole room, thanks.

I heard the bathroom door close and footsteps padding softly toward the bedroom. “Are you ready,” asked Scott from the other side of the door. “I’m in bed,” I answered. A pale, delicate hand reached in the door and turned off the light from the switch on the wall.

The room was now totally dark.

I felt the covers being drawn back and the whisper of a body sliding into bed. Scott reached over and began stroking my stomach, his hand traveling up to my chest. Then I felt breath on my face as Scott brought his mouth to mine and placed a dull kiss on my lips. He slipped his tongue in my mouth and left it there, waiting for me to take control.

Just then I felt the first flush of the Viagra. I’ll get through this, I thought.

Scott climbed onto my dick and began to fuck himself. I tried to focus on the physical sensation. Neither of us made a sound; the entire experience was silent.

By the time he returned from the bathroom with a wet towel to wipe the cum from my stomach I had started to fall asleep. He thanked me and turned on his side, facing away from me. Sliding closer I positioned myself behind him and draped my arm over his soft, toneless body. I reached my hand up to tug his ear but overshot my mark and felt a coarse, straw-like substance that I realized was his hair. I quickly lowered my hand and tried not to shudder as sleep finally overtook me.

Sometime later I was awakened by the sound of the bedroom door opening. The darkness of the room told me it was still the middle of the night. A crescent of light crept in from the hall through the open door as Scott’s silhouette returned from the bathroom. “Sorry I woke you,” he said as he slid into bed.

I mumbled something in response and closed my eyes again. In a moment I felt a hand on my thigh. Oh, no. The only thing worse than morning sex is middle-of-the-night sex. I sighed to myself and realized that for a thousand dollars the guy was entitled to more than just one quick fuck.

There was still enough Viagra in my system to give me a quick erection when Scott began to stroke my penis. I put my hands behind my head and attempted to conjure up something sexy enough to make my hardon last through the blow-job. Scott lay on his side, masturbating as he sucked my dick, and soon I indicated with my breathing that I was close to orgasm. He pulled his mouth away and I shot on my stomach as he reached a climax.

After cleaning up I handed the towel to Scott and turned on my side away from him. He pulled the covers up and settled in for sleep.

And then he sneezed.

My eyes snapped open in the darkness. Was Scott coming down with Mark’s cold, or had they switched places in the night?

“Scott?”

“Yes?”

“You okay?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Okay. G’night.”

I lay there wondering if I had just had sex with the other twin. Not exactly how I had hoped to fulfill that fantasy of mine, but interesting, nonetheless. Of course, there was the issue of whether they were getting something for nothing. I’m not a multiplex, after all; you can’t buy one ticket and then sneak into the movie next door. I tried—and failed—to imagine how I might raise the subject, and then let the notion slip out of my head into the black night.

A gentle pressure on my shoulder awakened me as Scott (Mark?) stood over me to say that breakfast was waiting down in the kitchen. He was already showered and fully dressed. I rubbed my eyes and mumbled that I’d be down in a few minutes as I watched him close the bedroom door and leave the room.

The twins were whispering to each other as I entered the kitchen. They were not dressed identically this morning. One of them put his cup down on the granite countertop and walked to the coffee pot.

“Coffee, Gus?”

I nodded yes and watched as his delicate hands lifted the pot from its holder and tipped it to pour the steaming liquid into a fresh cup, which he then handed to me.

“Half and half and sugar on the table…”

I sat at the table and selected a muffin from the woven straw basket full of baked goods. The towel lining the basket was of the same blue-striped cotton as the tablecloth. The twins then joined me at the table, one sitting on either side of me. Mark (Scott?) poured orange juice into three glasses before distributing them.

I lifted the glass, the parallel rings etched into the surface creating an alternating smooth/rough sensation in my hand. I looked from one identical face to the other and raised my glass in front of me. After a moment’s pause I toasted them;
“Vive la difference,”
I uttered, and swallowed the tangy liquid in one gulp. Mark and Scott looked at me and then at each other and then they drank their orange juice.

The men stood in the entryway as I pulled away from their enormous house. The double door was fully open to allow them to stand side by side and they waved to me before turning back inside. I watched in the rear-view mirror as the two halves of the door swung closed and met to become one complete unit.

My mind mulled over the previous evening’s events as I approached the Holland Tunnel in the light Saturday morning traffic. Sailing through the tollbooth as the sensor read my pre-paid tag I looked up and caught a glimpse of the twin towers of the World Trade Center just as my car entered the tile-lined tunnel that would take me to Manhattan and home.

RECOUNTING THE ABBOTTS

With Apologies to Ruth Draper...

Hello?... Well, good morning... Oh, my, it
was
a fantastic night.
I
was a participant in the 2005 George Abbott Awards for Excellence in the Theater presented to Rob Marshall, Kathleen Marshall and Harvey Fierstein! I'm still recovering. Not even out of bed yet, to be honest. You know how these benefits are; fun but exhausting... Details, details, it
is
all about details with you, isn't it? Very well, I'll be happy to tell you about the evening. Well you know, we opened the show with that charming “Wilkommen” from “Cabaret” that Robbie choreographed. A slightly shorter version, of course... What? Yes I dragged out the old alto sax for the occasion. Thank god there was a reed in the case. I haven't played it since last fall... No, my dear, we had
one
rehearsal a few days before. Yes, just the one... It's called "professionalism", darling. You wouldn't know about that... Joking... I'm
joking
! You know I have the ultimate respect for your cruise ship work... So demanding, all that rolling as you come out of the Panama Canal and all... Yes, I
do
remember hearing all about your rendition of “Memory” while wearing taps. Legendary, really. Anyway, darling, the evening closed with a bunch of us gypsies singing “So Long, Farewell” because, well, I'm sure you know, Robbie and Kathleen Marshall's first job in the theater was playing two of those charming Von Trapp children in Pittsburgh... Yes,
Pittsburgh...
Kathleen? Well, my dear, she never looked lovelier. I've always thought she resembled a younger, more lithe Tammy Grimes. So much like Tammy, don't you think?... Yes, I suppose you would have to add “but sane” to that list. You
are
wicked. We do love
la
Grimes
, though, don't we? Simply
worship
her... Now, where was I? Oh, of course, the finale... we had one very quick rehearsal just before the event to stage the number... Come again? Oh, about three dozen of us, I suppose... Yes, it
was
like the Von Trapps had gone Mormon or something! Row upon row of pivot-step-march-march-march... Who was in it? Well, you know those gypsies; lots of faces one recognizes, but one is never sure from where. There did seem to be one large group who all knew each other or were in one show together or something. I don't really know because they kept to themselves... Oh, I
tried
, darling. You know me: a regular Pearl Mesta when it comes to a meet-and-greet... No, they just weren't having me... Oh, now stop! There were
not
more Tony Awards than brain cells among them. No, I won't have you speak ill of dancers... Well, because it's just too easy, that's why... Well, yes, we
were
invited to the event as guests, not just as the entertainment. It was interesting going to a job in my suit and carrying my casual clothes to wear in the number, rather than the other way around... Oh, it's
too true
; one simply wants to take a tray of canapes and make the rounds. Yes, it's in one's blood I suppose. Ah well... Black tie, of course... Mostly just your basic tux. A questionable waistcoat here and there, perhaps... Me? Well, no, I don't own a tux anymore, I'm afraid... That Calvin Klein suit. You know the one... Yes, it's fantastic... No, no tie. A shimmery black t-shirt... Three dollars from the Salvation Army!... What's that?... Yes, I
am
very Sharon Stone that way... Of course I made the rounds!
I'm
capable of mingling and talking with new people... A lovely fellow named Shaun.... An old friend, Bill, whom I hadn't seen in ages... Yes, of course you know him, I forgot! Oh, I don't know, puppets or something. Oh, and that
divine
William Ivey Long. You know, he dressed me in “Cabaret”... “Undressed” me in “Cabaret”? Well put, my dear, considering those costumes... Yes, of course he
is
doing "that movie". Had just come from his final fitting with Nathan Lane, in fact... Oh, come on, you
know
Nathan and Matthew are doing the film... How's that?... No, I think I'll live without being one of a hundred singing Nazis.... Oh, it's
so
true; there's that whole set of chorus boys who can shuttle back and forth between “The Producers” and “Sound of Music.” So lucky for them really. Blondes, you know... Dinner was fantastic, although I only had a bite or two as we performed afterwards... Now, you stop! Only two glasses before the show... White... Well, yes, we did just have the one dressing room. It was an event facility, after all, not a theater. Most congenial, really. At one point I was brushing my teeth in the john and that lovely Donna Murphy stuck her head in to ask if I had seen her shoes because she had left her underwear in them... No, I didn't ask if they were her second pair. None of my business, really, was it?... Yes, I
was
! I swear!... Briefs... White... Anyway, I'm sitting there sucking on my reed and who should come through the door but Chita!... Yes, she looks amazing... I don't know, a hundred at least, I should think... Looks fantastic, though... Oh, and that girl with the teeth from “Princess Diaries”... I know, but you should hear her sing! A revelation!... Yes, our opening number was sensational. Oh, and just
who
do you think was our Emcee for “Wilkommen”?... No, not even warm... I had suggested that charming RuPaul, but she hasn't worked with either of the Marshalls... Oh, I'll just tell you.
Scott Ellis!...
Yes, you
do so
know Scott. He started out as a chorus boy and now he just directs every other show on Broadway... What's that?... “Hope for me yet”? So droll of you, darling. How was that audition, by the way?... No? Pity. Anyway,
Scott
: Well he just directed “12 Angry Men” and “She Loves Me” and “1776” and just about anything else you can think of!... He's a doll. Adorably nervous about performing again but flawless... Yes, it went off without a hitch. Robbie was at the center table with Renee and John C... yes, both from the “Chicago” movie... No, she didn't have that awful black hair like she did at the Oscars... Oh, you're
so
right! Between the hair and the up and down weight she'll be bald and saggy if she's not careful. But
so
precious! I adore her! Really... Well no, you couldn't say I
know
her... Well no, I didn't exactly
meet
her. The crowds and all. I know how that can be so I gave her her space, as they say... Yes, I'm sure she appreciated it... Well, actually, Chita performed “Nowadays”... Unbelievable, I know! One by one she was joined by friends and co-workers of Robbie and Kathleen... Well, Lenora Nemetz for one!... Yes, Lenora!... Looks better than ever. You know the Lenora legend, don't you?... Yes, it
is
true, because she told me herself... No, it wasn't Chita, it was Gwen. Lenora stood by for both of them in the original “Chicago” in '75. During previews Gwen had an injury, but Lenora had never rehearsed... No, not one rehearsal! So Bobby--such a loss!--personally came out on stage before the show and asked the audience to root for her... She was spectacular, of course! Anyway, after that they gave Harvey his award... Droned on and on, as a matter of fact. Not nearly as funny as he is onstage... What?... What's that?... No! Tell me you're joking! Harvey
Weinstein
, not Fierstein?!... The motion picture fellow?... Now that you mention it, they
did
make a couple of Disney jokes I didn't quite get. Well, my dear, that does explain his expression when I told him how much he was missed in “Hairspray”... Now, stop! You're just being mean, now. "I could be a dancer," indeed!... The finale? Charming.
Charming!
The whole lot of us made it to the stage and did the number as if we'd rehearsed for days... Yes, darling, “professional”... Can we
please
not go through that again?... Thank you, dear... Afterwards? Mayhem, just as you'd expect. A little mingling, a little networking. Oh! And I met that queer fellow.... Yes, I know most of them were, but I mean from TV... No, just cable... You know, that show you love... yes, that's it! “Carson”, that's his name. So charming, so down to earth. He swears he never goes out, but I've seen him myself about once a week for the past six months... Yes, the entire evening was thrilling and I'm thrilled I was asked... Yes,
totally
exhausted. Oh, hold on darling, can you? I have a call coming in. I'll be right back............. Dearest, I
must
run. I completely forgot I'm having lunch with that dreamboat from “42nd Street.” No, the
tenor
!... Oh, don't congratulate me
yet
! What?... Oh, yes,
au revoir
to you, too. Oh, how I envy you your French!... Yes, I swear I'll give you
all
the details. Even though you
know
how I hate to talk on the phone... Yes, my dear. Kisses to Derwood! Ciao!