Authors: Roger Rosenblatt

Lapham Rising (16 page)

BOOK: Lapham Rising

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I sense myself sliding into feelings of warmth toward him, much as I imagine I might harbor affection for some large, dumb animal, a yak or an ox, if it trampled me in a field and then, driven by some instinctive chromosome of kindness, returned to sniff me and nuzzle my shoulder. And so I am aware that involuntarily I am nuzzling back, and whereas the act itself may be alien to me, the spirit it evokes is nevertheless familiar, though it is one I have not experienced in a long time, in ten months at least, that’s for sure. Humane: I am feeling humane.

Steadily, relentlessly, he splashes in my direction. His pillarlike legs, covered in white linen, part the waters. His feet, covered by low-cut tennis shoes, cast a spray as he hits the shore. My hand begins to lift on its own, as if performing in a séance. I am rising (dare I say it?) toward a friendly wave. My throat clears. I am rising (can this be happening?) toward a “Hi!” Timid and faint though it may be, there is no denying its approach. I am nearly there, at both the wave and the “Hi!”

But he walks past me. Lapham walks past me. He does not see me. I am here, plain as the moon can make me, about to welcome him to my island and my bosom. But he strides straight past what’s left of the Da Vinci, what’s left of the dock, and me, until he has proceeded ten yards or so inland,
as far as he can go toward the fire. There he halts. Save for this one open patch, the island still burns like a long, thin log, every inch of it in flame and embers.

I turn and watch him, his back to me now, as he stuffs his hands into his pockets and relaxes his shoulders. He looks to the left. He looks to the right. He breathes in. He breathes out. At last he speaks. And his voice is not flaccid, as I have guessed it will be. It sounds like a gargle laced with a wheeze. And it booms.

“What a venue!” he says. “What a venue!”

I tear off my clothes and toss them in a heap. I perch, I crouch, I spring into a stupendous belly flop, and then I swim into the night, away from him, away from here. Suddenly, behind me, I hear another splash. Hector has leapt from the Hinckley Picnic Boat. He catches up and paddles beside me. His head glows silver in moonlight. We do not say a word.

About the Author

ROGER ROSENBLATT
is a Peabody, Emmy, and George Polk Award–winning journalist, essayist, and television commentator. He is the author of eleven books, including the national bestseller
Rules for Aging
and
Children of War
, which won the Robert F. Kennedy Book Prize and was a finalist for the National Book Critics Circle Award.
Lapham Rising
is his first novel.

Visit www.AuthorTracker.com for exclusive information on your favorite HarperCollins author.

P
RAISE
FOR
Lapham Rising

“[Lapham Rising]
is a hysterically funny class comedy—the sort of deeply humorous stuff that makes you wonder what would happen if Don DeLillo did stand-up or whether Rosenblatt is secretly British.”

—
People

“Roger Rosenblatt is one of the (intentionally) funniest citizens of our time and
Lapham Rising
is a painfully funny comedy of manners set in upscale Long Island that evokes Jonathan Swift: ‘Satire is a sort of glass, wherein beholders do generally discover everybody’s face but their own.’”

—Joyce Carol Oates

“Fans of Roger Rosenblatt’s splendid essays will be delighted to know that he finally got off his butt and wrote a novel. Not surprisingly,
Lapham Rising
is a satirical gem. Every page pulses with a fine, venomous wit. If Roger gets expelled from the Hamptons, he could come to South Florida and feel perfectly at home.”

—Carl Hiaasen

“This is a zany tale. It is a comic novel perfectly conjugated, moving the reader with delight through a three-act plot.”

—William F. Buckley, Jr.

“Lapham Rising
never hits a false note. It’s an engaging tribute to Rosenblatt’s proficiency with words and his obvious concern about the human condition. If this year yields another book even half as funny, we’re in for a hell of a time.”

—
Time Out
(New York)

“My wife had first shot at
Lapham Rising
and, day and night, she read passages out loud to me, none of which I was able to understand because she was laughing so hard. And then came my turn to read the book, and this time around Roger Rosenblatt’s crazy writer/shaggy-dog story made brilliant sense with its illuminating story, delicious wordplay, and take-your-breath-away nonsense. And this time around, I’m the one laughing out loud. This is a funny, serious book about our not-so-funny, serious times.”

—Jules Feiffer

“Roger Rosenblatt is that magical writer who reduces you to helpless laughter, but restores you with prose so deliciously descriptive you want to head to the Hamptons. If he wrote about Hell he’d make it so attractive you’d want to head there, too.”

—Frank McCourt

“This satisfyingly old-school stab at the Hamptons’ debasement will have
New Yorker
readers laughing out loud, even as it sends them up, too.”

—
Publishers Weekly
(starred review)

“If Shakespeare’s
King Lear
is the
numero uno
tragedy about real estate, then surely Roger Rosenblatt’s
Lapham Rising
is destined any moment to become the
numero uno
comedy about home building. It’s smart, sharp, and very, very funny, and books bought today will almost certainly increase in value.”

—Michael Arlen

“[An] uproarious debut…. Rosenblatt wields his satiric saber with skill and compassion.”

—
Entertainment Weekly

“The whole book is a witty rant…such a rich collection of satiric scenes and cracks.”

—
Washington Post Book World

“Rosenblatt is exceedingly clever and he knows the world whereof he writes. So readers will be best advised to…sit back and enjoy the show.”

—
Christian Science Monitor

“Great stuff.”

—
Kirkus Reviews

“This is Mr. Rosenblatt’s first novel. I hope it’s not his last.”

—
New York Sun

Copyright

LAPHAM RISING
. Copyright © 2006 by Roger Rosenblatt. All rights reserved under International and Pan-American Copyright Conventions. By payment of the required fees, you have been granted the non-exclusive, non-transferable right to access and read the text of this e-book on-screen. No part of this text may be reproduced, transmitted, down-loaded, decompiled, reverse engineered, or stored in or introduced into any information storage and retrieval system, in any form or by any means, whether electronic or mechanical, now known or hereinafter invented, without the express written permission of HarperCollins e-books.

Adobe Digital Edition September 2009 ISBN 978-0-06-198690-1

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