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Authors: Janet Tashjian

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BOOK: Larry and the Meaning of Life

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“We shall not cease from exploration,
And the end of all our exploring
Will be to arrive where we started
And know the place for the first time.”

T. S. Eliot
“Four Quartets”

“YOU?”

I dragged Beth down the path to a more secluded part of the park. She was so elated, she bounced with every step. I told her to tell me everything.

“First, just tell me you liked it,” she said. “I'd die if I thought you were angry.”

“Of course I'm angry! You completely altered my definitions of real and not real.”

“That's the good news,” she said. “But what are you mad about?”

Where to begin? I ticked off the giant list of grievances and humiliations I'd suffered in the past few months. Not only had they been avoidable, they were premeditated. Beth listened so intently I thought she might reach into her cloak, pull out her laptop, and start taking notes.

“But what did you think of the performances? The drama club at school was great, and I found a lot of people on craigslist. I tried to get course credit for this as an independent project, but my department head turned me down.”

I asked her to tell me about Gus.

“Big Patriots fan. I met him while I was getting new tires put on my father's car.”

“What?”

“He's a part-time vet tech in Foxboro. Really nice guy.”

“I've been getting spiritual advice from someone who weighs dogs at an animal clinic?”

“I thought he did a great job. Just goes to show youâpeople you meet every day are perfectly capable of helping you on your path.”

I felt a swath of redness move across my face. Was I so desperate for advice that I glommed onto anyone for guidance? “And the hospital?”

“The operation”âshe held up her fingers in quotes, a habit I've always hatedâ“took place in an OR, just not at Mass General.”

“I'm afraid to ask.”

“The operating room at Gus's vet's office.”

“Are you kidding?”

“Why not? The people in scrubs were professionals, just for animals. When Gus asked them if we could use the space, they said yes right away.”

“I thought I heard barking! Where did I recuperateâand don't tell me a kennel.”

Beth jumped up and down with laughter. She was really having fun with this.

“The Holiday Inn in Dedham. We got a room for three days, brought in a hospital bed, IV, and monitors we rented from a medical supply store.”

“And the nurses?”

“Luckily, you didn't need any medical care. Those people were all looking for extra cash on craigslist. Closest anyone came to medical experience was the guy who worked at the piercing booth at the mall.”

I asked about the scar.

“My sister's friend Kyle did a great job, right? You need special remover to take it off. I wanted you to get a real tattoo of a scar so you'd have something to remember this whole thing by, but Janine talked me out of it.”

“Thank God! But how'd you find Janine? I looked everywhere for her.”

“I called her parents in Seattle. Janine didn't want to see you, but she had no problem seeing me. I left a message with her mother, and Janine called me back the same day. When I told her what we were doing, she signed on immediately. She still really cares about you.”

Beth looked so happy and eager to please, I finally quit giving her a hard time. What I really wanted to know was
why?

She pulled out a folded piece of paper from the pocket of her jeans. “This is only a copy. Peter has the original.”

I recognized the messy handwriting as soon as I saw it. It was a letter from my mother to Peter, dated the week before she died.

“How come he never showed it to me?”

“He probably hoped he'd never have to.”

As worried as I was about the letter's contents, it pleased me to see my mother's illegible writing once again.

Dear Peterâ

Leaving you is one thing, but leaving Josh fills me with utter sadness and dread. He means the world to me, but let's face it, he's high maintenance. Kids like Josh need so much support and stimulation. I'm worried that after I'm gone, he'll look for his adrenaline rushes in destructive ways. I've worked hard at keeping his world full of excitement; his mind is his savior as well as his curse. Promise me if he starts to drift or sink, you'll drop everything you're doing to engage him. He's a good kidâthe bestâbut it takes some work to keep him plugged in. There's no greater gift you can give me, Peter. I'll be watching over both of you always. P.S.âJosh loves Beth next door. Go to her first if you need help.

Beth grabbed the edges of my jacket. “Your mom thought you loved meâwhy'd she think that?” She inched closer until my back was against a giant pine. “Why'd she think that, Josh, huh?”

As I reached across the cool January night to kiss her, I changed my mind and turned away. “Mom knew I'd have a hard time without her? The queen of spontaneity actually planned this far ahead? She thought I was high maintenance?”

“You
are
high maintenance!” The romantic moment had shifted, and so did Beth. “Peter was so worried about those letters you wrote home from the road that he called me up one
morning to brainstorm how to get you back on track. When you got home and neither of us could get you off the couch for months, he gave me the go-ahead to plan something. Let's face it, we all get caught up in gamesâmy roommate hates me, my boyfriend's cheating on me, I'm having a spiritual crisisâI just thought a conscious game instead of an unconscious one might jolt you back to being yourself.”

“So I guess those psych classes are paying off.”

“Don't forget the drama classes. Got my money's worth on those too.”

“You used to be such a terrible liar!” I said. “Kudos to your drama teacher.”

“Don't you want to know about betagold?”

“That was my next question.”

“I knew if she was in our little game it would raise the stakes, so I had the detective check her out. When she told me about betagold's charity work, Peter and I went back and forth before contacting her. As much as we hated to admit it, it seemed like she'd really changed. It was actually kind of fun working with her.”

“I can't believe how much work you and Peter put into this.”

“He paid for everything, and it cost a ton, believe me,” Beth continued. “He was so worried about letting your mom down, it was really sweet.”

I looked up to see Peter a few yards behind us. He was wearing a Dr. Seuss hat
¹¹⁷and smoking a cigar.

“You did all this for me?” I asked.

He nodded. “And for your mother. I didn't mean what I said about grabbing the ring off her finger and running. The years with her were the best times of my life.”

“Don't you think therapy would've been cheaper?”

“Sure, but I felt I had to be a little more creative with you.”

As insane and convoluted as Beth and Peter's plan was, I had to admire the effort and attention to detail. I didn't know what else to say besides thank you.

“I'm an events planner, after all,” Peter said. “The question is, did it work? Do you feel alive again?”

“Sure, if you don't count the nightmares I had to go through to get there.”

“A life-or-death situation will usually do that,” Peter said.

“Reality can be painful,” Beth added. “Of course so can fantasy, as evidenced by all the groaning you did about your kidney.”

I was never, ever going to hear the end of that one. But there was a question I had to ask. “Was that part of the game, making me think Gus was my biological father?”

“No!” Peter said. “The woman playing the private investigator screwed up. Instead of reading from the fake Gus bio, she was looking at
your
file. We were furious with her.”

“I nearly died when you came to Brown and told me,” Beth said. “And God forbid you let go of the new story line. We all had to improvise.”

“So my biological father is dead?”

Peter nodded. “After you started digging around, I hired a real P.I. to look into it. He died before you were born, just like your mother said.”

I'd be lying if I said I didn't feel a pang of grief. Peter must've sensed it because he put his hand on my shoulder. “Sorry that mistake got your hopes up.”

“It's okay,” I said. “I'm used to paying the price of an overactive imagination.”

“Speaking of paying, we owe the bank a bundle, but I've been working on that too. We shot footage to document your journeyâGus's brother-in-law, Joe, said you spotted him a few times with his videocamera. I'm flying to L.A. next week to pitch this to five different studios as a new reality showâcontestants, prizes, audience participation as to the player's fate. Give my event-planning business a boost. What do you think?”

“You're kidding me, right?”

“I've edited all the footage into a great pilot. The thing looks amazing. You're going to be a star.”

I looked over to Beth. “Please tell me this is part of the game.”

She laughed. “Sorry.”

“Hey,” Peter said, “how about if I put you on as associate producer?”

I leaned against a maple and waited for them to tell me they were busting my chops. They weren't. The guy with the videocamera appeared from behind the bushes.

“Got all that, Joe?” Peter asked.

“Got it.” Joe zoomed in for a close-up.

“So, Josh,” Peter asked, “what did you learn?”

I stood there tongue-tied, watching Peter and Beth wait for me to say something profound. Instead, I just thought about
how generous and crazy they were, and how much I loved them both. I thought about how life
was
a game, how I'd spent hours upon hours searching for the key to the universe, when all along, the door was already unlocked. I absorbed this newfound knowledge with a stupid grin on my face until the cameraman yelled “cut!”

“Do you remember when I gave you this?” Beth held up the wizard hat she'd worn at the “cast party” a few nights ago.

I told her of course I did; she'd given it to me at the first Larryfest in honor of the nickname she'd bestowed on me years before. I was finally inside the Victopian, which had served as command central for their operation. Peter was loading equipment into his car while Beth folded the various costumes and uniforms, some to return to the Brown theater department, others to donate to Goodwill.

“Out of all the things that are bothering me, the worst is that I never heard my mother's voice at Bloomingdale's that day. Those people were plantsâmy mother hasn't spoken to me yet.”

“I guess that means you need to make a trip to Chestnut Hill before you leave for school. See for yourself if you can still hear her or not.”

As if I hadn't planned on doing that already.

Beth cleared up several loose ends I'd been wondering about: They'd made their own Mass General and Princeton letterhead, a contractor friend of Beth's father had parked a backhoe and port-o-john at my favorite woods to make it appear as
if construction was under way. The land mines were actually brake drums they'd gotten at an auto salvage yard.

“Why did I have to pay tuition and no one else did?”

“I figured the fake tuition would be a good way to start messing with your head.”

When Beth answered the front door, I almost didn't recognize Gus. He wore pressed khakis, a button-down shirt and tie, and had reading glasses on a cord around his neck.

“Sorry to stop by unannounced. Just wanted to pick up my check.”

Beth told Gus she'd get it from Peter and invited him in. I'd planned on making a fake vet appointment to get a chance to see him one last time. I welcomed the opportunity to talk.

“Doug Crimini, isn't it?” I extended my hand. “Nice to meet you.” I asked about his job at the vet office.

“Been there seventeen years. Had a ton of vacation time saved up. Thought this whole thing sounded like fun.” He had the same sparkle in his eyes he had while playing a spiritual leader. He pointed to the photo of Peter and me he'd noticed in my fake hospital room. “Seems to me your real father's been here all along.”

I knew what he meant; Peter was no longer just the guy my mother marriedâhe was my father.

“So you made up all the spiritual stuff?”

“At first I was just using notes from Beth, but you were so serious, I had to step up my game.”

“The paint-by-numbers kits?”

He shrugged. “I got a whole case of them at Job Lot. I thought they might be amusing, and they were cheap.”

I'd spent hours performing spiritual practice based on what Gus got on sale that looked
fun
? I had to let out a laugh.

“I have a guru too,” Gus said. “I started applying several of his teachings to my role.”

I asked him to tell me more.

“My guru is so evolved
¹¹⁸he never complains, is always cheerful and kind, takes criticism without resentment, overlooks other people's mistakes, never lies, never is stressed, has no prejudice, never corrects people, understands when others don't have time for him, and is always grateful for everything he has.”

I told him his guru sounded amazing. “Maybe I should study with him too.”
¹¹⁹

“Then get yourself a dog. They're a hundred times more evolved than we are.”

Beth returned with a check and gave Gus a long hug. She told him if he ever wanted to sit in on any of her drama classes at Brown to give her a call.

He headed to the door then turned to me one last time. “What you think
does
manifest itself in the outside world. That wasn't just part of the gameâit's true. Someone once wrote âAll paths lead nowhere, so it is important to choose a path that has heart.'”
¹²⁰He shook my hand. “And that's the last piece of advice I'm ever going to give anyone.”

As I watched him walk to his truck, I realized I'd learned
more from someone
playing
the role of teacher than I'd ever learned from a real one.

“I owe you the rest of the chess pieces!” he called as he screeched his truck down the drive.

“You probably want to rest,” Beth told me. “After all, you recently had surgery.”
¹²¹

I left her with stacks of clothes and pedaled over to Bloomie's.

I'd spent hours parsing out the various threads of Beth and Peter's plan. There were many loose ends, things I might not be able to wrap my head around for months. But something specific bothered me now. A scrap of conversation that stuck in my mind like the burr that attached itself to George de Mestral's pants.
¹²²I was also curious about my wireless connection with Mom. Maybe if I heard her again, she could give me some advice on my current problem.

“Nice party the other night,” Marlene said. “But a little chilly. Those fur-lined tights my niece gave me really came in handy.”
¹²³

Marlene told me Beth had contacted her months ago and had provided a few stock girls with exact dialogue to say when I finally arrived. Marlene had paged the girls to the department
as soon as she saw me. Beth's intricate planning outshone even the most complex
Mission: Impossible
scenario. I left Marlene and cruised the different counters until I found a spot with good celestial reception.

“Mom, I read your letter. You were rightâI did get derailed. But you married the right guy. He came through for me big time. Just the way you would haveâdramatic, quirky, and fun. I'm okay now.”

A salesperson with bright red talons gave me a shut-up-and-move-along look. I ignored her.

“Here's the thing, Mom. If I'm right, the game isn't over yet. I still think people are in danger.” I stood in the middle of the department and waited for her response. I didn't have long to wait. A man carrying a dozen gift bags approached the counter closest to me. He was talking on his Bluetooth.

“You're right,” he said. “Follow your instincts, but don't drag your feet.”

I raised my fist in the air. Mom was back! I had one more stop to make before heading to the woods.

BOOK: Larry and the Meaning of Life

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