Last Night at the Blue Angel (22 page)

CHAPTER 26

W
HEN ELAINE AND
Caroline woke up the next morning, they ignored me half the day as punishment for touching their things. But then I heard Elaine say to Caroline,
It DOES look better in here
.

Finally Caroline said to me,
If cleaning is so fun for you
,
why don't you march downstairs and put the club back together?

Yes
,
ma'am
, I said.

What did I tell you about calling me ma'am?
she said.

Miss Caroline
, I said.

I'm a young woman
, she told Elaine. Then they turned their backs and walked away from me, Elaine telling Caroline she had the most famous legs this side of the Mississippi and Caroline returning the kindness by saying Elaine's skin could make a peach feel ugly. All this to make up for the word
ma'am
.

I
cleaned the club every day, and every night I fell asleep on the couch or in the stairwell, listening to Elaine sing. She danced with her voice in a way I couldn't imitate. She hopped it up and down her throat and into her head and way down in her chest like she was skipping a stone. I worked and worked on that while I was alone, scrubbing floors and washing glasses. My hands got rough as Mama's. With my sweat and my muscles, I believed I was clearing the slate, killing off the weakness in me, the childish needs. I dug my nails into the bar's crevices where booze had spilled and crusted; I would leave nothing untouched.

D
avid played poker constantly. He and Caroline either loved each other or hated each other, I could barely keep up. I watched, listened, and learned, and tried to stay out of the way. In my daily letters to Sister Idalia, I asked her about her life, wrote down all the memories I had of learning music and listening to records and of the other kids at school. I wrote of the creek, her truck, the sky. I didn't want her to forget all that. And I told her I was working all the time and learning to sing, both of which were somewhat true.

One afternoon I finished my work and the apartment was empty, so I ran myself a bath. I picked up the phone to call home but then put it back down. What was there to say? While I was in the tub, David and Caroline returned. I heard them talking quietly in the main room but soon their voices got louder and louder until Caroline was shouting,
You promised!

And I'll make good
, said David.
Just not now
.

It's never going to be now with you. Never
, said Caroline.
I could go someplace else
.

Yes
,
you could
.

Other people think I've got something really special
, she said.
They do
.

I agree
, he said.

Then feature me tonight. You know I'm good
.

You are good
.
And Elaine is better. It's her they're coming to see
.

Fuck you
,
boss
, said Caroline, storming across the floor and down the stairs. I waited for David to leave the main room but he didn't. The bathwater got cold. I sat there shivering.

David tapped on the door.
Kid? You in there?

Yes?
I set a washcloth on my breasts like he could see through the door.

You about done?

I scrambled to get out of the tub.
Yes
,
hold on
. I dried my body fast and pulled on my dress, which was still wet in the armpits where I had washed it. It stuck to me, and when I reached up to pull my hair back, I noticed there was still soap in it. I opened the door and moved past David quickly, apologizing, and waited outside for him to finish.

He peed with the door open and I turned my back. After washing his hands, he said,
Come back in here
.

I went.

Let me help you
, he said, pointing to my hair. He slid off his jacket and hung it on the door. Then he draped a towel over the edge of the sink and told me to bend over it. After pulling up his sleeves, he slowly poured warm water over my head with a cup, running his hands through my hair as he rinsed. All of a sudden there seemed to be a thousand invisible threads connecting the side of my body to the front of his where he was almost touching me. I wanted to lean into him like I used to lean into the wind. He squeezed the water out with a towel and said,
Sit down here
.

I sat on the toilet seat and he took his comb from the shaving kit he kept on the shelf.

That's not going to be easy
, I told him, pointing at my head.

I can see that
. But still he took a small handful of my hair in his fist and began to comb it out, starting at the bottom. His face was close to mine but he was focused on my hair, so he didn't see me staring. I wanted to feel his bristly cheek with my lips.

Am I hurting you?
he asked, looking me in the eyes. His eyes crashed on me and I suddenly didn't feel like a ghost anymore, a cat trying to be quiet. I felt some part of me catch up to myself, like it had been dragging behind me for days, miles. Then all the parts were together again. I felt this especially under my dress and hoped he couldn't see what was happening to me—and I hoped he could.

No
, I said finally,
you're not hurting me
.

Let me know
, he said, working his way around my head, the tangles, knots made up of other knots. It took a long time. We were both quiet and tired by the end, from the work of my knots or from the invisible threads or both. I thanked him and left, wishing I had someplace to hide, to be alone. I looked at the clock; six
P.M
. The apartment would be empty soon. Just hold on, I told myself.

Elaine arrived and talked to David in the kitchen.

You're set up to play with Sandy and his crew at the Continental tomorrow night
, she said.

You kidding me?
said David.

Wish I was
, she said.
You gonna be in over your head down there. Sandy will be by tonight to collect your buy-in
. She walked with purpose into the main room and stopped in front of me.
Where is Caroline?

Not here
, I said.

I can see that
.

I'm making you a sandwich
,
Elaine
, yelled David.
You're not drinking on an empty stomach
.

Davie
,
look at this dress. Do I look like I have room for a sandwich?
She posed and I felt like she'd given us permission to look hard at her and I looked hard. She was so perfectly designed. If the magazines allowed Negro women, she'd be in them.

She hid the sandwich in a drawer, giving me a look that said,
Don't you even
.

Davie
,
where's Caroline?
she yelled.

Stepped out
.

Ah
,
shit
, said Elaine.
You fighting?

Where's your sandwich?
said David.

Tell me how I'm supposed to work the room and be your canary at the same time. Do you see two of me here?

Easy now
, he said.

Elaine crossed her arms.
Don't you “easy” me
.

We'll have Miss Naomi cover for her
, he said.

Elaine dropped her arms and looked at me. I knew what she saw, a country girl in the wet dress she'd been wearing for a week, pale red hair combed straight and just starting to frizz up at the ends. Never even shaved her legs. Freckles. Bare feet. I knew what she saw.

She crossed her arms again.
Let me know when you think up a Plan B
.

No Plan B
, David said, his patience done.
Help her. Fix her up and do whatever you do. Put her in one of Caroline's dresses
.

Do you think this
, she said, gesturing at herself, the final product that was Elaine,
is just some lipstick and a dress?

No
,
no
,
I do not. Improvise
,
Elaine
, he said, walking away.
This is jazz
,
remember? Pull out the fake book
.

He left.

Elaine looked at me like I was covered in pig shit, sighed through her nose, and lifted up a bit of my hair to look at it.
This part I can handle at least. As for the rest of you—

She turned on the little fan on the table, walked to me, and spun around.

Unzip me
, she said.

I moved the zipper down the length of her back slowly and carefully.

She stepped out of her dress, laid it out flat on the bed, and stood looking at me in her peach slip, hands on hips.

Sit down, then
, she said.

On the vanity was a container of some thick substance, like lard, which she scooped with her fingers and worked into my hair. Then she wrapped sections around big green rollers and secured them with pins she opened with her teeth.

What's a fake book?
I asked.

All the players have the fake book. It's got all the most popular songs
,
chords
,
changes, and whatnot written down so even if you don't have the full sheet music for a tune
,
you can fake it
.

I kept my chin tilted upward as she put makeup on me—pancake, shadow, liner, mascara, lipstick, rouge, powder. As she worked she slowly forgot she was mad. When the makeup was done, she studied me, then picked up a silver gadget, turned it on, and blew heat on my face and hair. She spent a little time on each roller, sometimes so long my head felt like it was burning. When she was done, she said,
Hmm. Get up now
.

I stood while she looked me over, turned me this way and that. She put her hands around my waist, rested them on top of my hips, put her fingers on my shoulders, all the while doing some sort of calculation in her head.
M-kay
, she said as she pulled a green dress from the closet and brought it to me. I thought of Laura and the pile of dresses and the kiss, but it felt far away by then, like a song I heard once.

This is the one
, she said. She got out a slip and told me to put it on but gasped when she saw my bra.

I haven't seen something like that for twenty years
, she said.
This could be tricky
. She fished out several bras from Caroline's dresser and fiddled with them.
Take that thing off and try this
.

I turned my back to her and tried to get my breasts into the complicated cups of the bra. It squished them. Elaine turned me around.

You've got to reach in and sort of get them centered in there
, she said.
Bend over like this
.

I was so embarrassed handling myself in front of Elaine but I had to get my breasts sorted out if I was ever going to get clothes back on.

Not bad
, she said when I finished, and handed me the dress. I put it over my head and felt around for the zipper, found it along the left side of my ribs and pulled it up. It was tight but I was relieved that it fit. I tried to pull my ribs together to make a little room.

Let me look at you
, said Elaine.

I stepped back.

Hmm
, she said, nodding with approval.

She sat me down and unrolled my hair, turning pieces this way and that and pinning them. Then she found a fake pink flower and pinned it above my right ear and brought me a pair of shoes that were snug but I didn't care.

Stand up
, she said.

I stood, wobbled, caught myself. I put my hand on my hip because I didn't know what to do with my arms.

Elaine made a clicking sound with her mouth.
I have skills
, she said.
Terrible skills
.

She brought me to the full-length mirror that leaned against the wall.
Allow me to introduce you to Miss Naomi
, she said.

I was shocked by the sight of myself, I looked like another person. Like a painted photograph of myself. I moved a little and tried to get used to it. It was what I wanted after all. I practiced walking around the room.
Thank you
,
Miss Elaine
.

You still walk like a hired hand but nothing to do about that now
, she said.

CHAPTER 27

A
S I FOLLOWED
her through the apartment and down the stairs, I was aware that nearly every inch of my body felt altered—covered, slicked, pinned, tucked, bound, painted, fastened, powdered, squished, pushed—but again, it was a pleasant sort of pain. It reminded me how much of me needed to be controlled and if you worked really hard, you could.

Hobbling down the stairs, I thought: There's no way I can get through the whole night in this getup. I felt like my body would explode out of the dress and shoes at any moment.

We walked into the club, which was empty except for a lone man sitting at a table and David, who was behind the bar. He took his gun out of his pants and tucked it under the bar before noticing us.

Elaine said to me,
You've got to stand like there's a rope attached to the top of your head and it's pulling
.
That's how you walk
.

I straightened my body as much as I could, and the taller I got, the easier the dress was on me. David came out from behind the bar. I made a face that I hoped said,
What do you want?

I'll be goddamned
, he said.

I stared at him. In heels, I could nearly look him in the eyes.

Put your tongue back and sit down
, said Elaine.
We don't need you bothering us
.

He joined the man at the table and Elaine followed him, saying,
And let's try to remember ourselves
,
shall we?

Elaine showed me the whole system, described how Caroline worked the room, how to be efficient, how to deal with this sort and that sort. It didn't sound so different from managing my siblings—everyone wanting something different, fighting for your attention. Tom, the barkeep with the round face, said not to worry.