Read Laugh-Out-Loud Jokes for Kids Online

Authors: Rob Elliott

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Laugh-Out-Loud Jokes for Kids (2 page)

BOOK: Laugh-Out-Loud Jokes for Kids
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Q: What kind of beans don’t grow in a garden?

A:
Jelly beans.

Q: Why can’t a nose be twelve inches long?

A:
If it was, then it would be a foot.

Q: When does your dinner never get hot?

A:
When it’s chili.

Q: Why did the boys shoot their BB guns in the air?

A:
They wanted to shoot the breeze.

Q: Why were the Cheerios scared of the man?

A:
He was a cereal killer.

Q: Why did the baseball player go to jail?

A:
He stole second base.

Q: Why couldn’t the twelve-year-old go to the pirate movie?

A:
It was rated arrrgh.

Q: How did Benjamin Franklin feel about discovering electricity?

A:
He was shocked.

Q: What do you call cheese that doesn’t belong to you?

A:
Nacho cheese.

Q: How much did the butcher charge for his venison?

A:
A buck.

Q: What does a rain cloud wear under its clothes?

A:
Thunderwear.

Q: How did Thomas Edison invent the lightbulb?

A:
He got a bright idea.

Q: Why did the lettuce win the race?

A:
He was a head.

Q: Where did the most talkative people in the Bible live?

A:
Babylon (babble on).

Q: Why was the broom late for school?

A:
It over-swept.

Q: What did the alien say to the flower bed?

A:
“Take me to your weeder.”

Q: What kind of button won’t you find at a sewing store?

A:
A belly button.

Q: Why did the lady throw her butter out the window?

A:
She wanted to see a butterfly.

Q: Why did the ninja go to the doctor?

A:
He had kung-flu.

Q: What did the grape do when the lemon asked for a kiss?

A:
It puckered up.

Q: Why couldn’t the monster go to sleep?

A:
It was afraid there were kids under the bed.

Q: How long does it take to count four times infinity?

A:
Four-ever.

Q: Who fills your tank at the gas station?

A:
Philip (fill up).

Q: What is an alien’s favorite kind of candy?

A:
A Mars bar.

Q: How do you get a skeleton to laugh out loud?

A:
Tickle its funny bone.

Q: What do you take before every meal?

A:
You take a seat.

Q: What did the mother corn say to her children?

A:
“Don’t forget to wash behind your ears.”

Q: Did you hear about the actor who fell through the floor?

A:
It was just a stage he was going through.

Q: What did the tomato say to the mushroom?

A:
“You look like a fungi.”

Q: Why are babies so good at basketball?

A:
Because they like to dribble.

Teacher: Name two days of the week that start with a “t.”

Student:
Today and tomorrow.

Teacher: Billy, you missed school yesterday.

Billy:
Well, to tell you the truth, I didn’t miss it that much at all.

Fred: Today the teacher was yelling at me for something I didn’t do.

Mike:
What was that?

Fred:
My homework.

Q: Why did the cookie complain about feeling sick?

A:
He was feeling crummy.

Q: Why is spaghetti the smartest food there is?

A:
It always uses its noodle.

Q: What do you call a student who never turns in his math homework on time?

A:
A calcu-later.

Q: How did the karate teacher greet his students?

A:
“Hi-Yah!”

Q: Why did the bed wear a disguise?

A:
It was undercover.

Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t come back?

A:
A stick.

Q: When do pine trees like to do embroidery?

A:
When they do needlepoint.

Q: What is a baby’s motto?

A:
If at first you don’t succeed, cry, cry again.

Q: Where do you keep your jokes?

A:
In a giggle box.

Q: Why did the lady wear a helmet every time she ate?

A:
She was on a crash diet.

Q: Why did the hot dog turn down the chance to star in a movie?

A:
None of the roles (rolls) were good enough.

Josh: Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon?

Anna:
What about it?

Josh:
It has great food but no atmosphere.

Q: What do you call a fairy that doesn’t take a bath?

A:
Stinkerbell.

Q: What did one candle say to the other?

A:
“Do you want to go out tonight?”

Q: What is a plumber’s favorite vegetable?

A:
A leek.

Q: How did the French fry propose to the hamburger?

A:
He gave her an onion ring.

Q: What has four legs and one head but only one foot?

A:
A bed.

Q: What do potatoes wear to bed?

A:
Yammies.

Q: What fruit teases people a lot?

A:
A bana na na na na na!

Q: Why was the metal wire so upset?

A:
It was getting all bent out of shape over nothing.

Q: What do you call the story of the three little pigs?

A:
A pigtail.

Q: What did the peanut butter say to the bread?

A:
“Quit loafing around.”

Q: What did the bread say back to the peanut butter?

A:
“I think you’re nuts.”

Q: What kind of lights did Noah use on the ark?

A:
Flood lights.

Q: How did the orange get into the crowded restaurant?

A:
He squeezed his way in.

Q: Why can’t the bank keep a secret?

A:
It has too many tellers.

Q: Why was the sewing machine so funny?

A:
It kept everyone in stitches.

Q: Why did the hamburger always lose the race?

A:
It could never ketchup.

Q: How do you punish a naughty eyeball?

A:
Give it fifty lashes.

Q: Why was the rope so stressed out?

A:
It was getting itself all tied in knots.

Q: What did the math book say to the psychiatrist?

A:
“Would you like to hear my problems?”

Q: What do you call a fossil that never does any work?

A:
A lazy bones.

Q: What did the pen say to the pencil?

A:
“You’re sure looking sharp today.”

Q: What is green and can sing?

A:
Elvis Parsley.

Q: Why didn’t the string ever win a race?

A:
It was always tied.

Q: What is the best food to eat when you’re scared?

A:
I scream.

Q: How do you get a tissue to dance?

A:
Put a little boogie in it.

Q: What did the tree say to the flower?

A:
“I’m rooting for you.”

Q: What is the craziest way to travel?

A:
By loco-motive.

Q: What did the paper say to the pencil?

A:
“You’ve got a good point.”

Q: What is the cheapest way to travel?

A:
By sale-boat.

Q: Who are the cleanest people in the choir?

A:
The soap-ranos.

Q: What is the noisiest game you can play?

A:
Racket-ball.

Q: What did the earthquake say to the tornado?

A:
“Don’t look at me, it’s not my fault.”

Q: What did the tree say to the lumberjack?

A:
“Leaf me alone!”

Q: Why was it so hot in the stadium after the baseball game?

A:
All the fans left.

Q: Why did the ice cream cone become a reporter?

A:
He wanted to get the scoop.

Q: What did the ice cream cone ride to the store?

A:
A fudge-cycle.

Q: What kind of poles can swim?

A:
Tadpoles.

Q: Why wouldn’t the teddy bear eat anything?

A:
He was already stuffed.

Q: How does a gingerbread man make his bed?

A:
With a cookie sheet.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with Darth Vader?

A:
An ele-Vader.

Q: What do cowboys like on their salad?

A:
Ranch dressing.

Q: Why was the elf crying?

A:
He stubbed his mistle-toe.

Q: How do you make an orange giggle?

A:
Tickle its navel.

Q: What kind of candy is never on time?

A:
Choco-late.

Q: What kind of music does a boulder like?

A:
Rock-n-roll.

Q: What did the mommy rope say to the baby rope?

A:
“Don’t be knotty.”

Q: What do you call a monster with a high IQ?

A:
Frank-Einstein.

Q: What did the turkey say to the ham?

A:
“Nice to meat you!”

Q: Why was the Incredible Hulk so good at gardening?

A:
He had a green thumb.

Q: What did the pool say to the lake?

A:
“Water you doing here?”

Q: What did the cake say to the knife?

A:
“Do you want a piece of me?”

Q: What was the math teacher’s favorite dessert?

A:
Pi.

Q: What does bread wear to bed?

A:
Jam-mies.

Q: Who earns a living driving their customers away?

A:
Taxi drivers.

Q: What did the lumberjack say to the tree?

A:
“I have an axe to grind with you.”

Customer: Excuse me, waiter, but is there spaghetti on the menu?

Waiter:
No, but I believe we have some in the kitchen.

Q: What was the best time of day in the Middle Ages?

A:
Knight-time.

Q: What is the fastest peanut butter in the world?

A:
Jiffy.

Q: Why was the baseball player a bad sport?

A:
He stole third base and then went home.

Q: Where do lumberjacks keep their pigs?

A:
In their hog cabin.

Q: What is the difference between a football player and a dog?

A:
A football player has a whole uniform, but a dog only pants.

Q: Why was the science teacher angry?

A:
He was a mad scientist.

Q: Why was the tree excited about the future?

A:
It was ready to turn over a new leaf.

Q: What do trees eat for breakfast?

A:
Oakmeal.

Q: What is worse than finding a worm in your apple?

A:
Finding
half
of a worm in your apple!

Q: Why did Cinderella get kicked out of the soccer game?

A:
She ran away from the ball.

Q: What is a race car driver’s favorite meal?

A:
Fast food.

Q: What does a skipper eat for breakfast?

A:
Captain Crunch.

Q: If April showers bring May flowers, what do Mayflowers bring?

A:
Pilgrims.

Q: What runs around the football field but never moves?

A:
A fence.

Q: Why was the jelly so stressed out?

A:
It was spread too thin.

2
AWESOME ANIMAL JOKES

Q: A cowboy arrives at the ranch on a Sunday, stays three days, and leaves on Friday. How is that possible?

A:
The horse’s name is Friday.

Q: What do you call a bear standing in the rain?

A:
A drizzly bear.

Q: What happened when the spider got a new car?

A:
It took it for a spin.

A duck walks into a store and asks the manager if he sells grapes. The manager says no, so the duck leaves. The next day the duck goes back to the store and asks the manager if he sells grapes. The manager says, “NO, we don’t sell grapes,” so the duck leaves the store. The next day the duck goes back to the same store and asks the manager if he sells grapes. The manager is furious now and says, “NO, WE DO NOT SELL GRAPES! IF YOU COME BACK AND ASK IF WE SELL GRAPES AGAIN, I’LL NAIL YOUR BEAK TO THE FLOOR!” The next day the duck goes back to the same store and says to the manager, “Excuse me, do you sell nails at this store?” The manager says, “No, we don’t sell nails.” The duck replies, “That’s good. Do you sell grapes?”

Q: What do you get from a pampered cow?

A:
Spoiled milk.

Q: What is a reptile’s favorite movie?

A:
The Lizard of Oz.

Q: Why did the cow become an astronaut?

A:
So it could walk on the moooo-n.

Q: Where do birds invest their money?

A:
In the stork market.

Q: Where do ants like to eat?

A:
At a restaur-ant.

Q: Where do shrimp go if they need money?

A:
The prawn shop.

Q: Why were the chickens so tired?

A:
They were working around the cluck.

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