Laura Abbot (13 page)

Lily wilted under the sympathy and love of her sister and friend. “I don’t know if I can do that.”

“You must,” Rose said in a big sisterly tone that left no room for argument.

Lily sighed. Much as she hated to admit it, Rose was correct. The nature of her relationship with Caleb needed to be settled once and for all. “All right,” she said in capitulation. A knowing glance passed between Fannie and Rose, as if to say, “Mission accomplished.”

* * *

Seth sat on the top step of the barrack porch watching Caleb pace. The brothers had not spoken on their way back from the river. Seth had draped an arm around Caleb as they walked, but seemed to be waiting for him to initiate the conversation that would explain the upsetting events of the past few minutes. What words were there to justify the botch he had made of everything? Or to find the sense in Lily’s St. Louis plan? Whether through oversight or assumptions, neither he nor Lily had been as open with the other as they should have been. He didn’t know much about love, but Rebecca had surely taught him that honesty was at the heart of any lasting relationship. Why, he hadn’t even told Lily about the ranch and how he pictured their life together. No, he’d asked her to take him on faith. Dumb!

“You’re wearing out the floor,” Seth muttered at last. “I’m a pretty good listener, you know.”

Heaving a deep sigh, Caleb collapsed onto the step beside his brother, head down, hands clasped between his knees. “How are Pa and Sophie?”

“Not so fast. They’re fine, and there will be time enough to tell you about them. But I recognize a dodge when I see one. What is going on with you and Miss Lily Kellogg?”

Caleb shrugged helplessly.

“That bad, huh?” Seth stretched out his legs, then continued. “Spit it out, Captain.”

“I thought I was on the verge of something wonderful. A man doesn’t like to have the rug pulled out from under him twice.”

“Forget Rebecca. She’s not worth talking about. Has this Lily betrayed you, too?”

“Not like that.”

“You’re pretty sweet on her, then?”

“I asked her to marry me.”

“Oh.” Seth raked a hand through his curly hair. “Yep, that qualifies as ‘pretty sweet.’ What was her answer?”

“That’s just it. She hasn’t said no, yet, but she might as well have. She has plans to leave the fort for a long visit with an aunt in St. Louis. A rich aunt. More fool me, I proposed without knowing about that. Seems her dream has always been to go to the big city and hobnob with the swells.”

“Can you change her mind?”

“I’ll try, but I’m not optimistic about my chances. Besides, what if I succeed and later on she resents me for interfering with that dream?”

Seth seemed to be considering Caleb’s words. “That is a risk, all right. But if she’s worth fighting for—”

“She is.” A hole as big as the prairie opened in Caleb’s heart. He dared not consider a life without Lily. “I will fight, but...”

“If the good Lord wants you two together, He’ll figure a way.”

“That’s putting powerful pressure on Him.”

Seth grinned. “He can handle it. His shoulders are broad. Cast yourself on Him.”

“If only it were that easy.”

“It is.” Seth put an arm around him and drew him close. “Besides, you’re going to St. Louis, too.”

Caleb reared back. “What’re you talking about?”

“When you leave the army, there’s no sense you coming to the ranch right then, not when we need you in St. Louis to order supplies and make contacts with bankers and livestock dealers. What do you say?”

“I’ll do what’s needed for the ranch, though personally I fail to see how being in St. Louis will matter if Lily turns me down.”

“Patience, brother. We none of us knows what the future holds. That’s in God’s hands.”

Caleb wished he shared his brother’s unwavering faith, but right now his future was in Lily’s hands, and that didn’t feel good at all.

* * *

Lily watched out the window two days after the debacle at the river as Caleb rode out with a small contingent of troops. She could tell he was still favoring the side of his wound. She had tried her best to stay mad at him, but now she worried whether it was too soon for him to be on active duty. Then her mere concern made her angry all over again—at herself for caring. In her hand she held a note delivered a few minutes ago by a young private. She had read it twice, shaking her head at the sheer folly that characterized her relationship with Caleb. Despite herself, she unfolded the page and scanned it once more.

My dear Lily,

I could not leave today without attempting to set things right between us. I should have told you I would soon be leaving the army, but truth to tell, after meeting you, I had not anticipated that severance with enthusiasm, since I knew it would remove me from your presence. In a very short time, you have endeared yourself to me in the ways of which I have already spoken. It was never my intent to be dishonest with you.

You were justified to accuse me of not sharing my dreams before asking you to be my wife. The urgency of my love for you overcame reason. Let me share those dreams with you now.

I have saved much of my army pay to join with my father and Seth in buying land for a cattle operation in southeast Kansas in an area called the Flint Hills. Sophie, Pa and Seth have been there for some months and have succeeded in getting the necessary fencing and buildings in place. Despite their labors to that end, my dream is still incomplete. I long for a family of my own. At the heart of that family is a woman to love and to cherish as my wife. That woman, dearest one, is you. However, all I can do now is ask for your forgiveness for my oversights and shortcomings and hope that you will give this letter prayerful consideration.

In humility and love,

Caleb

Stuffing the note in her pocket, she put on her bonnet and circled the parade ground, deep in thought. She couldn’t deny her feelings for Caleb. He was everything she should want in a husband. He was a noble and ambitious young man, who shared her values, and a treasured companion. The fact that she melted when he held her hand or kissed her was a delicious bonus and a reason, out of all proportion to common sense, to visualize a happy life with him.

If only...

But the Flint Hills? Another wilderness just like the one she was fleeing? Full of the same heat, drought, prairie fires, wild winds and blizzards? Not to mention vermin and snakes? All of that coupled with her memory of the settler’s wife who died in childbirth caused her stomach to clench.

More than ever she wished for some master puppeteer to pull the strings of her destiny. Anything but having to make decisions for herself.

So intent was she that she barely noticed a platoon of mounted soldiers nearly on top of her. Jumping aside, she watched them pass. The beasts towered above her, and she had a sudden sense of her own insignificance. Self-pity was unbecoming. She had to be prepared with a decision when Caleb returned.

Then as if Mathilda Kellogg was suddenly whispering in her ear, Lily remembered the familiar words with which her mother ended every prayer.
Thy will, not mine, be done.
She would open her heart to God and await His direction.

Chapter Thirteen

W
incing with every jolt of the trot, Caleb bit back a moan as the cavalry made its way over stony ground. He’d been medically cleared for duty, but this sortie had tested him. They had accompanied a wagon train safely through territory where scouts had earlier sighted small bands of Indians and were now on their way back to the fort. Each hoofbeat sent pain radiating across his chest and down his arm.

It hadn’t helped that the night before his nightmares had recurred in full fury. Already agitated about Lily, the dream had left him exhausted and frustrated. What had seemed so simple and beautiful several days ago—declaring his love to Lily—had turned to disappointment, but more than that, to hurt and the sense he’d made a fool of himself by trusting a woman again. While he hoped his note to Lily would cause her to see their relationship and future in a clearer light, he wouldn’t permit himself to hope.

Bucephalus clattered over a dry streambed, sending shocks through his system, but that was nothing compared to the emotional pain of potentially losing Lily.

Seth’s arrival had been a tonic and had given Caleb a glimpse of his promising future. The basics for a working ranch were in place, and now it was a matter of establishing the herd and deciding on markets for the livestock. Caleb wished he could have responded to Seth’s glowing plans for the ranch with equal enthusiasm. Although he would enjoy the change of pace from the army, he feared the most important element of his future might be missing. Lily.

Never having been married, Seth had given what encouragement he could to Caleb’s suit, but had spent most of his visit going over the list of supplies and equipment he wanted Caleb to purchase in St. Louis. Rightfully so. The ranch was, after all, their primary focus.

Suddenly Bucephalus shied to avoid a huge anthill, and Caleb nearly lost his seat. Unsettled. That was him. In another day or two, his fate would be sealed, one way or the other. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so helpless.

* * *

Late in the afternoon Lily stood in the door of the hospital watching the cavalrymen return to the fort, their faces shadowed with trail dust. At the front rode Caleb, his hat pulled low over his eyes, his features drawn as if in pain. Sighing, Lily put words to her concern—had this ride come too soon after his recovery from the shoulder wound? When he dismounted to salute the colonel, she noticed his fleeting grimace. Surely he would seek medical attention if needed.

She had other worries. Advice had rained down from all sides, including Seth. She had been surprised when he sought her out shortly after Caleb left. His had been a persuasive argument.

“Miss Lily,” he had said turning his hat in his hands, “might I have a word?”

She had offered him a seat in one of the front porch rockers, then taken another for herself. Even though he was larger than Caleb, he had the same curly hair and warm hazel eyes. “How may I be of help?”

He cleared his throat nervously. “I reckon I shouldn’t be interfering in your business, but Caleb is my business. We’ve been best friends since we were pups, especially after our mother died. He was always the smart one, his head forever stuck in books. I admire him mightily. If I could’ve, I’d have protected him from these past years in the army.” He hesitated. “He’s seen terrible things.”

“I know. His are experiences no man should have to endure, but, alas, so many had no choice.”

“Then you’ll understand, ma’am, why his happiness is important to me and his pa and sister.”

“Caleb has told me how close you all are.”

“True, but it hasn’t been the same without him. We’re mighty pleased he’ll soon be joining us in God’s beautiful country.”

“Your ranching enterprise sounds quite ambitious.”

“We have big plans, and Caleb will play an important part in achieving success. He’s a good man, you know.”

Lily lowered her eyes. “Yes, he is.” In that moment her heart swelled with affection for the brother so devoted to Caleb.

“I don’t exactly know how to put this.” He tugged at his cuff as if buying time. “He’s powerful in love with you, Miss Lily.”

Lily blushed, unable to speak.

“I don’t want my brother to get hurt. He would be a fine husband for any woman, but he doesn’t want just any woman. I do believe if you turn him down, that’ll be the end of courtship for him.” He hurried on, as if racing to complete his spiel. “You would like our family. Why, you and Sophie? Shoot. You’d be sisters in less time than it takes to skin a rabbit. And Pa and me? Why, we have pined to have another woman about the place. Our ma was special. I think you are, too. With all respect, ma’am, please give Caleb a chance. He truly was trying to tell you all his plans when, like a big galoot, I interrupted.” He stood and clapped the hat on his head. “I expect I’ve said all I came to say, and I’ll be leaving for home tomorrow. I hope I haven’t overstepped my bounds by speaking with you, but I love my brother and wanted to do all I could to reassure you that he is the finest man I know. There. That’s all.”

Lily would like to have put the man out of his misery with the answer he had come to solicit and he had certainly made some telling points, but she was still of two minds about her future. “Seth—may I call you Seth? You have done yourself and your brother proud. I promise to consider what you have said. You are absolutely correct—Caleb is a fine man who doesn’t deserve further hurt. However, there are many factors at play, and I’m doing my utmost to consider what will be best for both of us.”

“Thank you. That’s all I can ask.” He tipped his hat. “I hope to see you again someday.”

Then, without a backward glance, he had lumbered off.

Watching now as the soldiers dispersed, Lily saw Major Hurlburt and Caleb walk toward headquarters, deep in conversation. Every now and then Caleb made a grab for his arm; it was then she knew that he was, indeed, in pain. Many men might have asked to be excused from duty for medical reasons. Not Caleb. It wasn’t in his nature to shy away from a fight.

Her father had already gone home for dinner when Lily finally finished remaking the beds of two soldiers who had been dismissed to their barracks. Her back ached and the stifling heat rendered her clothing uncomfortable. Before leaving, she splashed cool water on her face and wrists. She knew she was delaying, finding distraction in her duties. Tonight she faced the difficult task of deciding once and for all where her heart lay.

She had prayed for guidance, even going so far as to ask God for a sign to help with her decision. However, she had not counted on His surprising efficiency. When she entered their home, her father stood near the kitchen table beside Rose. As Lily approached them, she was discomfited by their wary expressions.

Then she saw it. Lying on the table. A flat package. Addressed to her. Color flooded her cheeks. A package from Aunt Lavinia. She couldn’t move.

Rose came to her side. “Aren’t you going to open it?”

Her father eased himself into a chair and sat, hands folded in his lap, head bowed.

“Yes,” Lily said, untying the string enclosing the parcel. She was all thumbs and the knots were proving difficult. Finally she succeeded in unwrapping the contents and spreading them across the surface of the table. An itinerary. Money for travel clothes and stagecoach fare to Independence. Tickets for passage on a riverboat down the Missouri. And a letter from Aunt Lavinia.

She crumpled into the chair beside her father. “I’m really going, aren’t I?”

His Adam’s apple worked and all he could do was nod. Looking up, Lily watched Rose turn toward the stove, but not before a tear ran down her face.

Lily knew she should be ecstatic. Lying before her were the means to achieve an ambition she had cherished since childhood, the fulfillment of years of daydreams and fantasies. Yet the hurrahs that should be bursting from her mouth were nothing more than sawdust. She had never been so confused in her entire life. Any decision would be the wrong one.
Thy will, not mine, be done.
How was she to know the difference?

* * *

After Rose went to bed and her father left for his nightly hospital rounds, Lily sat at the kitchen table, bent over two letters, one of which would seal her fate. The first from Aunt Lavinia, the other, Caleb’s. She moved the lantern closer and read, for the fourth or fifth time, words that had etched themselves on her heart.

I long for a family of my own. At the heart of that family is a woman to love and to cherish as my wife. That woman, dearest one, is you.

She caressed the note with her fingertips before laying it aside and returning to her aunt’s message, one replete with enticements she had long envisioned.

My darling niece,

We are back from Newport—a charming summer retreat among the most genteel families. How I wish you could have enjoyed our pastimes—sailing, lawn tennis and first-rate evening amusements. I am confident that day will come for you after you make a fine marriage. Already I have identified some up-and-coming young men for you to meet. What fun we shall have picking among them!

I have booked river passage for you on the
Mary McDonald,
due to arrive here in mid-September. The trip will be arduous, but with what a loving welcome we will greet you! It will be a joy to show you the sights and have you as my companion for the theater. Mr. Dupree has agreed to squire you to lectures by noted area intellectuals since that is not my cup of tea.

All of this, of course, will be preceded by dressmakers’, milliners’ and cobblers’ appointments and a tutorial concerning the local social customs. By coming here, you will not only bring me much pleasure, but you will also honor your mother’s fondest wish. From her letters, I know how Mathilda yearned for you to experience the opportunities and culture available here.

Awaiting your arrival with love,

Aunt Lavinia

Lily extinguished the lantern. She could no longer confront the words tugging at her as if she were a rag doll being contested by two children. But these were not children. They were two loving human beings, both committed to her happiness. Childless Aunt Lavinia, offering her a Cinderella transformation, a fairyland of diversions and fulfillment of both her own and her mother’s aspirations. And Caleb...offering her the uncertainties and hardships of the prairie, the promise of a home and family and...his heart. No closer to a decision than she had been all evening, she buried her head in her arms, willing a lightning bolt to etch the answer across the night sky.

“Lily?”

She must have dozed, because when she looked up, her father was standing over her, his hand resting gently on her shoulder. “Papa...what time is it?”

“Just after eleven.” He sat down at the table, reaching out to cover her hand with his own. “Can’t sleep? What’s fretting you?”

“I’m so confused.”

He patted her hand. “Big decisions, daughter. Do you want to talk about it?”

She had talked with others until she was exhausted by the effort, but this was her father who had never done anything but love her. She nodded.

“Well, then, let’s lay out both cases. What compels you to go to St. Louis?”

She ran through all the reasons she had amassed through the years, including her longing for intellectual stimulation and her antipathy for frontier living. She ended with what was, for her, the most binding emotional argument. “It was what Mama wanted.”

“And young Captain Montgomery?”

“He would take me to the very prairie I mean to escape.”

“One’s environment can be important,” her father said noncommittally. “What else?”

“He yearns for a wife and family. He is a hard worker and a good man.”

“You make him sound like a paper cutout.” In the moonlight, he studied her face. “What are you holding back, Lily?”

She looked away from her father’s probing eyes, her chest constricted by what she couldn’t bring herself to utter.

“Lily? No running away. Not when you have such an important decision to make.” He withdrew his hand and leaned forward on his elbows, repeating his question. “What are you holding back?”

Finally she met his eyes. “He loves me and I don’t want to hurt him.”

“I agree that he is very much in love with you. What about you? Do you love him?”

There it was.
The
question. “I don’t know.”

“I think you do know.” He paused to let his words penetrate. “What is holding you back?”

“Oh, Papa.” She stood and began pacing the room. “I’m afraid. I’m afraid if I don’t go to St. Louis, I will one day regret that I didn’t and, worse yet, resent Caleb for frustrating my dream. I’m afraid of the harsh life I might lead as the wife of a cattle rancher. I’m afraid I will be disloyal to Mama. I’m afraid of making a mistake I can do nothing to rectify, not without involving too many other people.”

“The best decisions never arise from fear, daughter. They result from love.” He rose, rounded the table and held her in his arms. “Here is what I have learned. Love must be grounded in truth and in the desire to put another before oneself, but there are no certainties. Love is a huge risk. You must be sure you take it with the right man.” He held her close and she could hear the steady beat of his heart. “One last thing. Your mama is no longer here, but I can tell you with certainty what she most wanted for you. Your happiness. She would approve whether you go to St. Louis or marry Caleb so long as you are happy.”

Lily was overcome by the depth of her father’s love for her and hers for him. No matter what she chose to do, leaving him and Rose would make any decision bittersweet.

“Now, child, let’s retire for the evening.” With a pat on her shoulder, he was gone, and shortly, she followed him upstairs.

* * *

Will Creekmore sidled up to Caleb after the morning briefing. “You all right, Montgomery? I notice you favoring your arm.”

“Still feeling a bit rocky, but I’ll be fine.”

“I don’t reckon the latest mission helped any.”

Caleb laughed mirthlessly. “We army men do what we must.”

“Not much longer for you. When do you leave?”

“Around the middle of August. It feels strange. This—” he gestured around the fort “—has been my entire adult life.”