Law and Disorder (21 page)

‘How are you?’ I asked politely.

‘Not good, BabyB, to be honest. The wife’s decided she wants to try and stop access to my kids altogether now.’

‘But she can’t do that.’

‘She knows and I know that she can’t do that. But she can certainly pick a fight over it for the next six months and make life even more difficult than it already is.’

‘I’m sorry to hear that.’

I actually meant it, though for the children’s sake, not his. It’s the only time I haven’t seen him positively glowering with arrogance and he actually looked like he was grateful for the sympathy in a strange sort of way. Which makes me worry about him more than ever as he is not merely in some difficulties but at risk of losing it completely. Certainly not someone you’d choose to tie your fate to.

Thursday 26 April 2007

Day 144 (week 30): SetUp

After court today, I called chambers and asked to speak to FanciesHimself. I told him I wanted to meet him out of chambers and suggested a nearby café, explaining only that, ‘It’s about BusyBody’. Given that he’s been raging in the last few weeks about how he was tossed aside by her, I thought he might be interested to hear what I had discovered about the chambers storeroom.

When he arrived at the café, he looked a little nervous. He’s got a likely look with his slim-fitting suit, shortish hair topped with a quiff and sideburns, and I saw that he was just putting a cigarette out in the street before he entered the café.

‘Look,’ I said, ‘I really don’t want to interfere but I’ve been told something by Worrier that I thought you should know. However, I want you to promise me that my involvement will go no further.’

‘You and me, BabyBarista. We’re straightforward people. That sounds fair enough as far as I’m concerned. What is it you want to tell me?’

‘Well, apparently there’s something going on between ThirdSix and Busybody.’

His mouth dropped. ‘There’s just no end to it, is there?’ he said.

‘It’s worse than that, I’m afraid.’

‘How?’

‘They’re doing it in chambers itself. Kind of rubbing your nose in it, I’d say.’

‘What do you mean ‘‘in chambers’’, exactly?’

‘The old storeroom at the top of chambers.’

‘Oh.’ His look turned from upset to angry.‘The storeroom? I was the one who introduced her to that room. Of all the places. She certainly has a cheek.’

‘Well, I just thought you should know, that’s all.’

‘But what do you think I can do about it?’

Well, it’s funny he should ask. I’d been waiting for that question.

‘Oh, I don’t know, really. Up to you. Probably not much.’

‘But it’s so offensive to be at it so blatantly.’

I smiled at him and said in a completely jokey tone, ‘Well I guess you could broadcast it to chambers tea.’

‘What do you mean?’

‘No, I’m joking.’

‘How would you do that?’

‘It was a joke. No, you wouldn’t want to do that. Though I admit it would be funny. The phone in there is always on loudspeaker.’

‘You don’t suppose I could get ThirdSix’s phone to dial that number do you?’

‘No. Terrible idea. It’d cause all sorts of trouble.’

‘Well, thanks for the information, BabyB. I owe you one.’

Oh, my pleasure indeed.

Friday 27 April 2007

Day 145 (week 30): Golf day

Today was golf day. Nothing else to call it. Glorious sunshine and absolutely no wind and the golfers were twitching. First I overheard my opponent on the train on the way to court on the telephone to one of his friends.

‘I know, mate, perfect conditions. Tell me about it. Look, I’ve got a case at the moment but definitely count me in. I’m gonna have a chat with my opponent and see if I can’t get rid of it at the door of court . . . Yeah, Yeah, I know. Another ‘‘golf settlement’’. Good thing no one’s done a graph comparing my settlement days to golfing conditions.’

Now you’d think that this would give me the upper hand in court and in normal circumstances it would. Were it not for the fact that the judge called us into his chambers as soon as we arrived.

‘Gentlemen. I’ve been looking at the papers in this case and I am extremely unhappy that this has come anywhere near a courtroom. It should have settled years ago, a car case like this, one side saying one thing,the other side saying another.Looks like a straightforward fifty-fifty case to me. But whatever your own views, let me tell you now that unless this case settles, I shall seriously be considering wasted costs orders against the lawyers after this case has finished for encouraging litigation where none was needed.’

Now if ever there was a code red to kick lawyers into doing what the judge wanted it would be the threat of wasted costs against them personally. Threaten the clients and the amount of damages and it was water off a duck’s back. By tomorrow they’d be on to the next one. Like some croupier in a big casino, all they were doing was administering other people’s bets. Judges know this better than anyone and so when they really want something they threaten to hit the lawyers where it hurts, which is one place and one place only. Their own pockets.

‘And don’t start getting into arguing about which side I might blame for this litigation. In my view you’re both as bad as each other. In fact, I’m even minded to send these papers off to be reviewed by the disciplinary committees of the Law Society and the Bar Council,’ he added just for good measure.

Actually, there’s another hole in a lawyer’s thick hide and that’s the fear of being hauled in front of his professional body. This judge had hit a double whammy with his first two blows. He wanted to get rid of this case, and fast. After we left the court, I went to my client and explained that the judge was encouraging us to settle at fifty-fifty. Actually, this would be an excellent result for us as I’d been expecting to lose the case outright on the evidence.

‘But I’ve been fighting this for over four years now and they’ve never made any offers in the past. Why would they do so now?’

I could hardly tell him that it was because my opponent was desperate to get to the golf course and the judge was in a bad mood. It doesn’t exactly inspire faith in the system of justice.

‘Well, being at court often focuses people’s minds on the potential weaknesses in their own cases, I guess. Let’s see what they come back with.’ We both then looked over at my opponent on the other side of the room, who was having a heated discussion with his own client, who looked very unhappy. At one point the client stormed off in a rage only for my opponent to follow him and continue the conversation. Eventually, I saw the client nodding reluctantly and then my opponent came over and asked if he could have a word with me. ‘Been a bit of a difficult one as you can imagine but I’ve eventually brought him around. Told him that he could be going home with nothing and a horrendous costs order against him personally if he wasn’t careful.’

Which just wasn’t true, but, hey, not my business.

‘So, I eventually convinced him of the merits of the judge’s suggestion. I think we can settle on fifty-fifty.’

Now this was an absolute gift for my client and I really should have grabbed the offer immediately. However, I felt that his desire to play golf might squeeze just a little bit more.

‘Look, I know you’ve got the stronger case but my client’s here after four years of worry and he’s ready to have his day in court. I’ve talked to him about settlement but the most that he’ll come down to is sixty-forty in his favour.’

‘BabyBarista, are you mad?’ He appeared quite angry at my response, no doubt due to the fact that he could see his golf game receding into the distance.

‘Sorry. Sixty-forty or we have a day in front of the judge.’

He looked at me for a while, weighing up whether I was bluffing or not. I suddenly realised that after weeks of refining my staring skills with Claire, this was my moment for putting them to work. After I’d said my bit, I looked him straight in the eye and held my gaze . . . and held it still. Not a blink to be seen, although my eyes were starting to water. Eventually he cracked and blinked first. ‘I’ll take instructions,’ he said and went back to his client.

Ten minutes later and a sixty-forty settlement was ours and my opponent whisked us back in front of the judge.

‘Excellent, gentlemen. What an eminently sensible course of action, if I may say so.’ He then took a look at his watch. ‘And conveniently enough, should be just enough time to make the first tee after lunch.’

It was only at that point that I suddenly took in the various memorabilia which were spread around his room. Not for him the pictures of old judges. Instead, it was old cartoons of golfers and the odd photo and trophy. Suddenly it all became clear.

CHAPTER 8

May: FakeClaim

Spies cannot be usefully employed without a certain intuitive sagacity.

Sun Tzu,
The Art of War

Tuesday 1 May 2007

Day 147 (week 31): Fatal flaws

TopFirst tried to play it cool with Ginny last week by only emailing every other day. This week he’s become a little more needy and I’ve had to put him in his place in the replies I’ve been writing in her name. I’ve told him she’ll be back in London in a few weeks and that in the meantime she has her head down studying for her exams. This is all driving TopFirst mad as he wants to see her again as soon as possible. In itself this is good as it’s distracting him from pupillage. It’s just that I don’t want to push it too far as it may end up backfiring. For example, he threatened to come and visit Ginny in Durham the other day. Obviously I scotched that thought pretty fast, but nevertheless . . .

In the meantime, ThirdSix seems to be going from strength to strength. I even overheard UpTights singing his praises the other day. My own pupilmistress. Bit too close to home there. I still have no idea how I’m going to do anything about it either. He has no obvious character flaws that I can exploit. Worrier’s insecurity was clear even to TheBoss. As for BusyBody, it was easy to get people to believe that she’d been an over-exuberant, well, busybody. Even TopFirst has two chinks in his armour: vanity and women. But as for ThirdSix, he’s almost too perfect a pupil to be real. The only thing I can think of so far is that he knows it. Over-confidence.

How I use even this limited insight for the moment escapes me.

Wednesday 2 May 2007

Day 148 (week 31): Bovvered

I was against TheCreep today who decided that he’d have a go at bullying me into submission before we even got into court. He didn’t just badger me or go on a little bit. He positively harangued me about the strength of my case throughout the whole journey to Ipswich, which proved to be a long one. ‘Your case is obviously hopeless. Can’t even understand why your instructing solicitor has brought it.’

Eventually I decided to go for a Busker-type response. Except it didn’t quite come out right. ‘Er . . .’ I paused, trying to think of what TheBusker might say. It didn’t come and all that eventually escaped from my lips was a very unbecoming, ‘. . . bovvered,’ . . . which was more Catherine Tate than TheBusker. But it had the unintended merit of getting up TheCreep’s nose.

‘If that’s all you can say you’re obviously no better than your instructing solicitor. Haven’t you even read our witness statement?’

Well, when a strategy appears to be working, why change course?

‘Bovvered.’ I was starting to enjoy myself.

‘Can you even explain why you didn’t accept our offer? Seems ridiculous that we’re here. I have far more important matters to be getting on with.’

Oh, I was waiting for that. The self-important excuse for being seen in the small claims court. Yeah, right. I took a deep breath. I was beginning to get into my stride. ‘Er . . .’ I paused for dramatic effect, ‘. . . bovvered.’

‘Are you sure you’re best representing your client’s interests?’

Eventually I put it to him straight:

‘Liability. Quantum. Generals. Specials. Interest . . .’ I paused for more dramatic effect. ‘Bovvered.’

He flushed with anger. ‘If that’s what you think.’ He stuttered as he tried to decide what to say. ‘If that’s how seriously you take your cases . . .’

We travelled the rest of the way in silence after I interrupted with a final, ‘Bovvered.’ The nice thing was that his anger only served to irritate the judge. Which I have to admit got me going once more and when the judge wasn’t looking I held up a piece of paper to

TheCreep upon which was written a single word . . .

You guessed it once again.

In case you’re wondering, he lost.

Back in chambers and there were even more high jinks. FanciesHimself had put together a plan. Earlier, whilst ThirdSix was out of his room, he’d snuck in, taken his mobile which was lying on his desk and dialled the direct number for the room where chambers tea is held. He then replaced the phone, making sure it was unlocked, onto the desk. The hope was that he would pocket it before going off for his little tête-
à
-tête, as you might say, with BusyBody. ThirdSix disappeared from his room just before 4.30 p.m., the same time that everyone else was going to chambers tea. FanciesHimself tipped me off with a quick phone call and I dashed along to tea to see exactly what would happen. However, nothing prepared me for what then followed.